Eternity (another poem written by me)

Although I know that life must go on,
part of me went with you the moment you were gone.
Forever you will remain in my heart,
my love for you will never part.

I miss you my sweet baby boy,
your beautiful smile brought me so much joy!
I try to not look at your picture and cry,
for I know that this is not good bye.

God walks with me each step of the way
so I can face another day.
His plans are so much greater then we can see,
God walk me through, your will must be.

Please keep may angel in your care,
until my work is done and I can get there.
I know you have greater things in mind,
But somehow I feel left behind.

For now I know I must wait my turn,
There must be more here that I must learn.
I'll put one foot in front of the other
until the day comes that we can again be with one another.

Please know I will never forget the love that we shared
the day you left I was so unprepared
The memories I am left with fill me through and through
know that nothing and no one could ever replace you.

With God's help I will move forward and be strong
dispite the fact that the road will be long.
When I hold you again and you smile at me,
that is when I will truly know the joy of eternity.

Quality Time

Today I let Richard stay home from school. After the night he had last night I felt he really needed some TLC. The two of us spent the morning together. We went to breakfast at Bob Evans and then to Target to get the rest of the items he needs for camp this weekend. It was nice to spend that time with him. For so long it was just the two of us when his dad went to prison. Our live were turned upside down then and we clung to each other to just make it through. Hugh came into our lives and it was no longer just the two of us. So many times both Richard and I took for granite that we live in the same house and go our own ways. It was nice to get back to a time in the "old days" when he was younger.

During out time together I realized how much he has grown up. He is no longer a little boy, he is a young man. I'm so greatful for the relationship that we have. At Target we sat in the parking lot talking about life and death and the events of the day that George earned his wings. It is amazing how you block out so many of those bad memories but then again, in an instant, you can remember them vividly. Those memories are the hard ones that can just really overwhelm you and take your breath away. I was glad he could talk to me about it all and I could talk to him too. We came home and he spent time with Hugh playing a video game. He came to me tonight and thanked me for the day...saying how much he really needed it.

Early this morning I got a call from my sister Tara. She sounded so upset and I thought that something was wrong with her baby...but was greatful to find out that I was wrong. She called to tell me about a dream she had last night. It was a dream of Her, George, and I. She just kept telling how real it was. I knew exactly what she was talking about because I remember my dream where I KNOW he was there with me. I've had other dreams but the one I am talking about was very different. I know he came to me in my dream to let me know he was ok... and he did that with my sister last night. She told me that I needed to go to his garden...she kept thinking of the song "Come to my Garden" from the musical The Secret Garden. Little did she know that I sang that song to him all the time! I would sing the song that was sung at his service and then find myself singing him the very song she had running through her head.I know it bothered her for the rest of her day. The whole day she was on my mind and I knew she was having a hard day.

Richard and I went to his garden before we left for our morning. We had also went to our church and put a pinwheel with monkey stickers on the place we had laid him to rest in their memorial garden. We do want to look into having his name put on their plaque there...didn't realize they had one. We only put some of his ashes there but it is sort of like our cemetery for him. I wasn't sure which garden I was suppose to go to but I felt the need to go to both. Richard and I just sat there on the bench outside and enjoyed the peace and quiet. We talked about our regrets that we live with...yes, heven he had them, which surprised me. He was so upset that he didn't give his little brother a kiss the night before. As always he was dragging his feet to go to bed and Hugh finally just sent him to bed and Richard never did kiss him and now he regrets that.

I explained how we all have them but that Georgie has let us all know in his own way that he is ok and that it is ok to move on with life. I have a huge laundry list of regrets as I am sure so many others do. We all have so many things we are greatful for and things that we wish we had done differently. Those what if's always sneak in there somehow. It is so hard to live with those even though you know you can't change them. When you don't have a chance to really say goodbye it is very hard. I find it is even harder when there are no answers. You just have such a hard time finding closure. Yet when I had my dream it was like he was telling me it was ok...I was given my one chance to do just what I didn't get to do...say goodbye. My heart aches knowing the only time I will ever see him while I am here on Earth is through my dreams. The one thing I have learned is to make each moment count as if it were your last...make sure your time here on Earth is of Quality rather then Quantity...George was truly proof of that very thing.

Good Cry

Tonight Richard and I sat here and cried together. We went through all the pictures that we have of George on my pc. I sat with his web page up and listened to our song list while we went through all the photos. My God...we miss him so much. Our hearts ache so bad. The pictures made us laugh and cry. Our hearts feel like part of it is missing and empty. I'm so glad he is going to camp this weekend.

It was really nice to sit with him and have that time together. Richard is so much like me in so many ways. He is a tough guy on the outside but breaking apart on the inside. Letting other's know you are sad is hard because you don't want to hurt their feelings. You are always the strong one...that is both of us in a nut shell. The staff at the hospital was so taken back by the way he carried himself that day. I was so proud of him in so many ways. Every single time I look at him I know that Hugh and I did something right with him. He has been through so many trials in his life.

We sat here and had a very long and in depth conversation about several things. He is such a great young man. It was very emotional for so many reasons. He was up late talking to me. I think I am going to let him stay home tomorrow...I think he just needs an R&R day with mom. We will probably go get the things he needs for camp and then do lunch. The reality of George's death is really beginning to sink in for all of us. The pain and aching on our hearts is just so much. We are realistic about it all and know that God had a greater plan but that does not make it hurt any less. We also talked about him creating his own blog page or a digital journal type of thing(due to his TS he has a hard time writing but finds it easier to type) to write down his own feelings.

It is so hard for a parent to loose a child and have other children to be there for. You are barely able to keep it together and not only do you hurt for the child you lost, you hurt for those here who are hurting as badly as you are and trying to cope. You want to take their pain away but know you cannot do so since no one can do it for you. The sibblings left behind have such a hard place in life. I did get a hold of the local hospice group that has a camp around here in August. They apparently have a kids grief group that meets and they are sending me info on it for Richard. After this weekend we will evaluate where he stands and see what he wants to do.

I don't know what is better, to be Richard or the younger guys. The younger guys don't get it and I feel sad for them becaue they will not really remember their little brother and how great he was. We will tell them but the memories will not be there for them like they are for us. Richard hurts now but will always have those meomories for the rest of his life...we were talking about George's infectious smile and how it just warmed you heart and brought a feeling like nothing else. Both situations are very difficult to handle as their parents. You try to help them all cope but are fumbling yourself with shuch a difficult life experience. This pain is something that no one will ever forget and only those who have gone through this experience will truly understand.

We did finally get the Sesame Street greif package in. It is very nice but is more geared towards the loss of a parent. They do reference other losses but only briefly. I have not watched the video they sent but I did read both books. It is a great program...I only wish there was something directed to the loss of a sibbling...there is very little if anything out there for children who loose a brother or sister.

I have decided that I want to begin making cards/items for people who loose children. During Mother's Day, I could not find a single card for someone who lost a child that recognized the loss and how hard it was. There is nothing for miscarriages either and that is the loss of a child too. These losses are so great ad we hate to acknowledge that bad things happen to children but I can tell you how important it is to have something saying the appropriate thing to a grieving family member. There are no birthday cards to recognize the child...just because they earned wings does not meant hat these dates don't have meaning to those left behind.

I think this is going to be a very healing week in so many ways but also extremely emotional. We will see how it all goes...whatever God has planned. I leave it in his hands...that is what faith is all about.

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day! I love you my sweet angel in heaven! The only Mother's Day we ever celebrated together was when you were in my belly...I will always cherish it. You are forever in my thoughts...I miss you more than words can say. A piece of my heart will always be missing...you and I will forever be connected by our special bond.

Children Will Listen

Another Week Gone By

God do I miss him. It has been so hard the past few days to honestly not cry randomly. So many times I sit here and just miss him. I could be doing something but I keep finding my mind wandering to my angel and how much I miss him. How can my sweet baby boy be gone? My heart just aches so bad. I just want him back and I know I can't have that now.

Yesterday I went and sang in a concert for my old chior director. It went well and we all had a good time. For a few fleeting moments, I was consumed all the way to the core of my being and just sang that song from my heart. It was called "Children Will Listen" The wording that struck me the most was "How do you tell your child in the night, nothing's all black but then nothing's all white, How do you tell them it will all be alright when you know that it might not be true...What do you do? That is how I feel every day of my life right now. I can't even help myself through this, how in the world do I do it for my kids and help them? Music has always been theraputic for me and I truly enjoyed myself for the first time since he died.

My sister and I had decided not to go out after even though we both kind of wanted to, but we were both tired. We got back to my house and sat in my van just talking. I sat there thinking of the days when our lives were simpler. Our biggest worry was mom not finding out we didn't do something or that we did do something. What I would give to have those days back! Here we were now, two grown women, with huge holes in our hearts relying on one another to make it through some of the most difficult trials of our lives. Things that we never thought we would ever be doing all those years ago as we sat in our room when days were simpler. I'm so greatful for her and our relationship. I realy don't think I could have gotten through this without her. She does understand my pain and the things she does not know first hand, she at least understands my response and the way I am handling things or doing them without any expaination. She will always be herself, a worry wort to the core, but above all she has a heart of gold and I thank God for her every day. I know our two boys are up in heaven together playing and keeping one another company until the day their mommies come to be with them again.

Today I had one of those all over the place days. I was helping my aunt and her mom with thier Medicaid issues. Tonight we had dinner at my mom's to go over the details with their daughter/sister since she was unable to be there today. The boys were there with me. They were outside playing on the deck. Before we knew it they had soil, from a pot from last year, all over my parents deck. It was a big mess. I went out there to get them to stop. When I asked them what they were doing and why they were making a mess, they looked at me puzzled. Josh looked up at me and said "Mommy, we aren't making a mess, we are making Georgie's garden here too!" Well I just wanted to cry and didn't know what to say to him. There was no way I could even say anything and let the two of them work hard on their "garden". They have helped so much with the one here at the house and I am going to post a few pics that I downloaded off my camera today...they are just adorable...they miss their little brother so much.

The other huge even for the day was a call from a lawyer that I had inqured about weeks ago. There were several questions I had about George's death/autopsy/recent vaccinations. A huge part of me really feels that my boys have an adverse reaction to their vaccinations due to their underlying metabolic disorder. I know that getting the disease itself could kill them but is that possibly the thing kicking their disease into high gear? Could that have been what killed my son? Could that have been what caused Josh's seizues and permanent developmental delays? I don't know but this lawyers office specializes in vaccine court cases. They will not take on any case that they do not feels has merit and could not win in court. It does not have anything to do with the docs or staff of any facility(I will never sue a place/person that does something accidentally or because of lack of knowledge. To me that is "blood money" and people are human and make mistakes and can't be expected to know everything) but actually the federal government's court for vaccines.

Since I had not heard from them since my inquiry, I just assumed that they felt our case was not worth looking into. I had honestly forgotten all about it. This afternoon they called me and told me that they want to get further information but based on what I had said, they felt it was worth looking further into. They are sending me paperwork in the mail this week. If they feel that the case has a chance then they will pursue it if we want to. It will be no cost to us because the federal government put money aside when they began to mandate vaccine use for damage to people and they pay the lawyer fees if you win your case or don't. It truly makes me wonder what truly is going on behind it all. No matter what, I feel it is worth looking into. This is all they do and they specialize in these cases but only take on certain ones.

I just can't get past this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach. There are still to many coincidences with it all. All of my boys had serious issues after thier vaccines. Michael could not walk for 3 days and had horrible fevers after this same particular set of vaccines...Josh had seizures within the same time that George died out from their vaccines. After reading up on the reactions of these particular ones, many of them are issues my children have had. It makes me wonder if I had not given them to them would they have these issues? Children with underlying metaboic predisposition to cellular dysfunction have higher chance to sustain damage from their vaccines. God I wish there was a better way to test children when they are first born. A parents instinct doesn't count and they are years from being able to do that unfortunately. I just think of all the families that will go through these same issues especially if it can be prevented or at least detected early enough to have them watched closer without docs thinking the parents are nuts.

Nothing will ever bring my baby back or mend the hole in my heart. I have learned that my gut instincts are usually right and I really feel this is something I have to look into further. I've learned to not ignore these things because they only keep haunting me until I get to the bottom of them. I knew something was wrong with George and I was right, but let other's oppinions sway my gut feeling, and now he is dead. Never again will I ignore the feelings I have about things, dispite the fact I will always second guess myself. Making decisons for others that are life altering is such a huge responsibility. When they go wrong, you are left with regret and a heavy heart for the duration of your life dispite the rational part of you telling yourself somthing else.

I do not know if I will update the rest of the weekend, it is going to be very hard for me. My angel would have been 8 months old on Mother's Day and just the fact that it is Mother's Day without him here is just going to be a huge challenge for me. If it was my choice I would sleep through the day but that is just unrealistic and truly not in my personality. With us having the other kids it is important to still keep moving forward. I hope you enjoy the pics of the kids working hard for their little brother.

Totally Unprepared

Today was just a day of unexpected moments of sadness for both Hugh and I. We would each find ourselves randomly crying for whatever reason. The sad reality that our son is gone is just so hard to actually comprehend. It hurts so bad that it sinks in more and more every day. I now find myself crying at times more then I did when we first lost him.

Hugh was undoing the dishwasher and came across this mug that I had made with a bunch of his pictures on it. I was getting ready to go out and came in the kitchen to find him holding that cup. It was all to apparent that he was having a bad moment. He just started crying when I put my arms around him. My heart goes out to him, I know how lonely I feel and I have a lot of support. His support is few and far between so a lot of the time he is having to cope on his own. I know many times I do this myself but I know that there are people there watching out for me every step of the way and I can't say that for him. He has been keeping himself busy with the garden and finds it theraputic so I am very greatful for that.

I have had many moments throughout the last week and day where I just break down crying for no reason. Today I had a good reason but had to do everything that I had to do in order to keep it together. I was at a rehearsal with a bunch of old friends and some others that I didn't know. Well one of the people that I didn't know walked in with a brand new baby boy. It was just such a hard thing for me. I don't have as much of a problem with little girls but little boys are just hard for me to see and be around. I was so totally unprepared. If I had known ahead of time I don't thik it would have been so bad but not knowing was like someone hit you in the stomache or sat on your chest.

The odd part is that those who did know kind of didn't know what to do. Everyone kept looking at me and I felt like an outcast in a wierd way. I just felt so uncomfortable. It was probably the worst situation I have been in since George died. That was one of those moements I wished I was at home and not there. My sister had droven so I was stuck there. Had my van been there I would have just left. It was such an uncomfortable possition to be in. There were people all around me but I never felt more alone ever in my life. I hope to God I am never put in a position like that ever again.

I got home and Hugh knew something was wrong. My mom called to see if I was ok and I just couldn't keep it together any more and started crying. THis is the worst feeling in the world. I want my son back and there is nothing I can do to change that. It isn't that I don't want other people to be happy, I do, I just don't know how to live the way I use to be after this sort of thing. It will just never be the same for me and part of me envies those who don't know this sort of pain. The only people that I tend to find commonality with lately are those who have lost a child too. My family and friends are wonderful and I am thankful for them but sometimes I just feel like I am miles away from them all at this point in my life. It is probably me feeling that way but for now, that is just how it is. I know everyone means well but sometimes it just makes a situation worse and then I feel like I have to not only deal with the bad situation but also the reaction of others.

My heart just feels like it is breaking all over again. The thought that this is how my life will always be is just so sad to me. I not only grieve for the loss of my son but also for the loss of my own dreams of a life I wanted for myself. It was never anything big, I am a simple person. Yet everytime it seems like we finally have it all together something comes along to prove us wrong and this has been the worst thing that could ever happen. Nothing else that ever happens will ever be worse then this and I can honestly say I know that. You can never do anything or take anything from me that meant more to me then my son. Nothing will ever hurt worse then this. Please keep us both in your prayers.