Parental Grief And A SIDS Death

The impact of a Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) death presents unique grieving factors and raises painful psychological issues for the parents and family as well as those who love, care for, and counsel them. SIDS parents must deal with a baby's death that is unexpected and unexplained, a death that cannot be predicted or prevented, an infant death so sudden that it leaves no time for preparation or goodbyes, and no period of anticipatory grief. In many cases, parents of SIDS babies are very young and are confronted with grief for the first time.

SIDS often occurs at home, forcing parents and siblings or other children to witness a terrible tragedy and possibly scenes of intense confusion. In some cases, the parents themselves are the ones who find the child dead and they must always live with that memory. In other cases, the parents may feel overwhelming guilt or anger if the death occurred while the child was in daycare. They may feel that the baby might not have died if they had been caring for it. "All too frequently, a SIDS loss is not socially validated in the same way other deaths are. Others often fail to recognize that, despite the brevity of the child's life, the family's attachment to that child is strong and deep and has been present in various ways since the knowledge of conception" (Rando 1986,167).

SIDS parents must take a journey that "involves a trek through grief-a strange and hostile territory that no one would ever pass through if given the choice" (Horchler and Morris 1994, 17). SIDS parents often retain strong feelings of guilt and sometimes a sense of responsibility for what happened even though they've been told there was nothing they could have done to prevent the death. Sometimes, parents are the victims of undeserved suspicion from law enforcement personnel, even family members, neighbors, or friends. In the most difficult situations, the baby's death may cause parents to be subjected to grueling investigations and hostile questions; they may even face accusations of child abuse.


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Probably the most stressful and anxiety-provoking act in human existence is the separation of a woman from her newborn infant. The response to this, which humans share with most of the animal kingdom, is an overwhelming combination of panic, rage, and distress. - RUSKIN, IN HORCHLER AND MORRIS 1994,16


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SIDS parents, relatives, daycare providers, health care professionals, and other adults feel helpless in trying to explain the unexplainable to other young children who may have been present at the time of the baby's death. It is especially difficult for children to understand why a baby died when it didn't appear to be sick. Also, in some cases parents are required to explain SIDS to adults who are misinformed or know nothing about the syndrome.

Any infant or early childhood death forces adults to think about their own vulnerability, but a SIDS death also brings with it total mystery, an absence of answers, and a frightening loss of control. The chaos surrounding a SIDS death leaves most parents feeling that nothing in life is predictable; a SIDS death throws everything off balance.

As is the case in most traumatic experiences, SIDS parents are likely to continually replay the events surrounding the death over and over in their minds and in their conversations. Whether the parents put a seemingly healthy baby down for a nap or for the night or took the child to the daycare provider, they assumed their child was well and in a protected environment. They felt secure; their family and their world were in order. Then suddenly, everything has been turned upside down. Even though there may be attempts to reassure the parents that the baby didn't appear to suffer, frequently they are not convinced. They repeatedly ask, "How can a perfectly healthy baby die?" Often these parents are told that SIDS doesn't carry a high hereditary risk; yet fears about having subsequent children haunt them.


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[The grief SIDS parents feel is like a]...continuous, crashing waterfall of pain...SIDS is a forced separation that will last forever. In the beginning, survivors are so shocked that their bodies and minds cannot even begin to comprehend all that has been lost...Shock and disbelief overtake most survivors so they can only vaguely feel their own empty arms and the rage that will eventually come full force. ...SIDS parents attempt to transcend the awfulness of [the baby's] death by choosing to celebrate the dead infant's life while not denying the physical finality of the death...[After a SIDS death, parents attempt] to travel the long road of grief to a place of rest and hope...SIDS parents must [try to] actively seek peace and joy in life-even in the face of a grief that will never end... - HORCHLER AND MORRIS 1994, 2, 16, 17, 248


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SIDS parents also are very often plagued by "if only's" that they are never able to resolve. They mentally replay such thoughts as: "If only I hadn't put the child down for a nap when I did." "If only I had checked on the baby sooner." "If only I had not returned to work so soon." "If only I had taken the baby to the doctor with that slight cold."

SIDS parents also need to know the value and importance of obtaining reliable information. They need to have access to professional support; and they need to be aware of the great benefits other parents have gained from attending support groups and sharing their experience or by expressing their thoughts and feelings in writing.

Moreover, bereaved SIDS parents often find that health care professionals are as perplexed as they are and cannot provide them with any explanation for the death. Although most health professionals know about SIDS, not all can provide parents with the information they so anxiously seek. They are unable to provide answers to questions such as: "Did my baby suffer?" "What are the possible causes of SIDS?" "What can I do to prevent another child from dying of SIDS?" "Are there symptoms I should have known about that could have prevented the death?"

In the case of some SIDS deaths, the autopsy findings may still leave unanswered questions, or the child's death may be attributed to causes that are problematic for the parents. Some families are subjected to agonizing doubts and delays from the legal system about the exact cause of death. The absence of standardized procedures for determining the cause of unexpected infant deaths brings added pain and frustration to parents already in the midst of a harrowing nightmare. Thus, SIDS parents are often denied the sense of closure that comes from knowing the exact cause of their baby's death.

A single SIDS death can have a ripple effect on as many as 100 people who came in contact with the baby or the family. "The expanded circle of concern" (Corr et al. 1991, 43) can include parents, extended family, neighbors, coworkers, child care providers, health care and emergency personnel, clergy, funeral directors, and other care providers.

SIDS parents and family members need to be around people who will offer them support in a nonjudgmental way; they need to know that some things in their lives are permanent and there are certain people on whom they can truly depend. Other family members, friends, or professionals can provide this sense of dependability and assurance by allowing parents both permission and ways to express their grief and talk about their confusion. SIDS parents need to talk and they need someone to listen-really listen-even if they tell their story, express their doubts and fears, and ask the same questions repeatedly. What SIDS and other bereaved parents are really saying is, "Let me tell you about my pain; let me talk about my child with you; please do call my child by name; please do not let my child be forgotten."

Friends and family members should try to do all they can to show their concern and help the parents in keeping alive memories of their baby. For most SIDS parents, it is also reassuring for others to try to mention special things they noticed about the baby and to remember the child's birthday or the anniversary of the death. By extending these personal and sensitive gestures, loving and concerned relatives, friends, and caregivers can become a source of reassurance and comfort for the grieving parents.

Some SIDS babies are so young when they die that family members and friends never had a chance to welcome them. They may have missed sharing the parents' excitement over the birth and affirming the child's existence. Many individuals do not understand the depth of parental attachment to a very young child. Bereaved SIDS parents should not be made to feel that others don't want to hear them, that others won't permit them to openly grieve. The parents of SIDS babies want their child's short life to matter not only to them, but to their families and friends, to the others in their "circle of concern," to the world.


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The dynamics of a SIDS loss [mean]...there is no chance to say goodbye to the infant or to absorb the reality of the loss gradually over time; the unexpected loss so overwhelms people that it reduces their functioning and compromises their recovery...The physical and emotional shock of the infant's death undermines the [parents'] capacity for regaining a feeling of security; the SIDS loss evokes particularly problematic grief reactions, such as the abrupt severing of the mother and father infant bond. - RANDO 1986, 166

Great Explaination for how a Parent Feels after the Loss of a Child

"A Pair of Shoes"
author unknown


I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think
about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

So to all of my new friends who, like me, have suddenly found themselves in this new pair of shoes...thank you for walking with me.

Natalie Grant - In Better Hands Now

I absolutely love this song! So much meaning to me! The toy in the video was one that George had before he passed...it was one of his Christmas gifts! Whenever I see it I think of him.

Happy 4th of July

You never did get to celebrate a 4th of July with us. I thought about you all day long and missed you a lot. It was a very draining day for me from beginning to end. I hope you are in heaven looking down on us all knowing we wish you were here. I love you my little monkey!

I Wonder

So many days I sit there and wonder what life would have been like if you were still here. What would you look like? What would you be doing? Would you be crawling and cruzing? What would your personality be? What would your favorite toy be? Would you still be a good sleeper? Would you love playing with your big brothers? Would you like the grass or the sand? Would you like swimming? Would you still be a mommy's boy? Would you still suck your thumb? So many times I just sit here and my heart just feels so heavy knowing that I just will never know the answers to any of those questions. I miss you so much and every day I wake up with you gone is another day that my heart is heavy just from knowing you are not with me and how much I miss holding you.

Casting Crowns Praise You In The Storm

Every single day Hugh and I walk this path with our faith in God. It does not falter dispite the fact we have no idea why he would choose this for us. The song I posted about is about that very fact. We will always feel pain over the loss of our little boy and the dreams we had for our family that were shattered the day George went to heaven. This pain is unfathomable by anyone who has not lost a child and I can truly say that from experience. That does not mean that others cannot empathize, it just means that until you have walked this path you really have no idea, I know I didn't.

I do find comfort in that fact that if no one else understands, God does. He experienced this first hand and truly knows the pain that will forever remain in our hearts. He also knows the joy of being reunited with his son, something I have yet to have the pleasuer of doing but can only immagine what that day will be like(great song written by Mercy Me called "I can only immagine" For every single moment I feel alone here on Earth please know that in my heart I know I am not truly alone and find peace in the fact that God is there with me walking every single step because he truly knows my pain.

If you talk to any bereaved parent you will find we feel very much the same when it comes to the feelings of pain, aching, loneliness, and part of us missing. Physically and mentally we know that none of these are exactly how we feel but they are the very words we use to describe what the loss of our child means to us in order to express it to those who have never walked the path and parents who walk this road with us know the exact meaning of the words for they feel them in the same capacity. We could be in a huge crowd of people and feel very alone. There could be nothing physically happening to us but we feel pain and a heaviness in our hearts. Nothing was ever actually amputated but it feels as if part of us is missing. Words are just inadequate to use to try and explain it all but that is all we have to try and exlain it to others.

Yesterday it had been 5 months since we said goodbye to our son. I cannot tell you how hard ever single month is that goes by. Hugh and I spent most of the day working on George's garden. It is really starting to look good. There is just so much work that has to be done still but we are so determined to get it done. I am not a yard work person but I have been out there in the heat beside my husband working hard on a place that we can go to and be ourselves or just sit when we miss him. My nephew did come to help with the weeding while Hugh and I worked on a section of rocks. While we were in the middle of it a man walked up with a small flower arrangement that someone had sent for us(I suspect it was probably my mom who sent it) that said it was from our little monkey. For me it was very symbolic since it is much like life in the reguard that many times we have to do things we all hate and don't want to do but somewhere in there God will put moments of unexpected joy.

I tend to find that Hugh and I have learned to appreciate the small things. My aunt made us dinner last night and I cannot tell you how much I appreciated it. After someone dies, people drop by with tons of food and shoulders to cry on. Later, once the funeral is over, it is over for everyone but the person who lost someone. During the moments that you really need people the most, you tend to find that there that the support you had in the beginning that you so desperately need now is not there. It may sound odd but the days/weeks initially following and day you lost someone are actually some of the easier days.

It is when the reality sinks in that you need it all the most and yet it isn't there like it was in the beginning. When you find someone that recognizes that and on their own initiative does something like make a meal and drop it off, you are just so very greatful! There is no way that a person who lost somoene is going to just call you and tell you they need you dispite the fact you told them to. Sometimes the person doesn't even know they need the help or just someone to be around. I thought about this a lot lately.

A woman down the street lost her mother not that long ago. I went out and bought a card for her around the time of her mother's death. It is still here in my house. One day I sat there ready to fill it out and send it, like I usually do but something made me stop. The very thought of our own feelings made me wait. When I get a feeling that I need to give it to her, I will. I learned that sometimes it is just waiting until later that can surely make a difference. Having learned what I know now, I can say that this is probably how I will handle the passing of someone else. It isn't that you don't appreciate all the love and support that you had in the beginning I think that it just helps to know that someone is thinking of you and realizes that you are still hurting well after the fact. I don't knwo if it is all the support in the beginning that you have that makes it easier or if it is just the whole shock thing, I just know that my perception on the whole process has completely changed.

I have thought alot about the word Grace lately. Often times, we use the world without really understanding the true meaning or the awe of it's meaning. This is the Webster's dictionary definition... Take a moment and think of what it means to you before you read it.


Main Entry: 1grace
Pronunciation: \ˈgrās\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French, from Latin gratia favor, charm, thanks, from gratus pleasing, grateful; akin to Sanskrit gṛṇāti he praises
Date: 12th century
1 a : unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification b : a virtue coming from God c : a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace
2 a : approval, favor b archaic : mercy, pardon c : a special favor : privilege d : disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency e : a temporary exemption : reprieve
3 a : a charming or attractive trait or characteristic b : a pleasing appearance or effect : charm c : ease and suppleness of movement or bearing
4 —used as a title of address or reference for a duke, a duchess, or an archbishop
5 : a short prayer at a meal asking a blessing or giving thanks
6 plural capitalized : three sister goddesses in Greek mythology who are the givers of charm and beauty
7 : a musical trill, turn, or appoggiatura
8 a : sense of propriety or right b : the quality or state of being considerate or thoughtful

synonyms see mercy

Main Entry: mer·cy
Pronunciation: \ˈmər-sē\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural mercies
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French merci, from Medieval Latin merced-, merces, from Latin, price paid, wages, from merc-, merx merchandise
Date: 13th century
1 a : compassion or forbearance shown especially to an offender or to one subject to one's power; also : lenient or compassionate treatment b : imprisonment rather than death imposed as penalty for first-degree murder
2 a : a blessing that is an act of divine favor or compassion b : a fortunate circumstance
3 : compassionate treatment of those in distress

— mercy adjective

— at the mercy of : wholly in the power of : with no way to protect oneself against

synonyms mercy, charity, clemency, grace, leniency mean a disposition to show kindness or compassion. mercy implies compassion that forbears punishing even when justice demands it . charity stresses benevolence and goodwill shown in broad understanding and tolerance of others . clemency implies a mild or merciful disposition in one having the power or duty of punishing . grace implies a benign attitude and a willingness to grant favors or make concessions . leniency implies lack of severity in punishing .


So many times I say that it is only by God's grace that we are making it through each day. Afer reading the definition and a lot of soul searching I have found that it applies to our lives in so many ways and the power of that is just amazing to me. I was surprised to see Mercy a synonym though...I never thought of the two being interchangable but after much thought they really are intertwined. I will elaborate in another post later on the meaning to me but I wanted to leave you with food for thought. This song I posted is so connected to the words in such a great way. We plan to name the baby Gabriel or Gabrielle depending on gender. That has nothing to directly do with this post but Hugh and I also decided that if we happen to be having a little girl that grace will be her middle name. This word has just taken on such a special meaning to us and I hope that you take the time to contemplate what it means to you.

Part of Me is Missing

I just miss you so much right now. I think about how 5 months ago you were still alive. We were celebrating daddy's birthday. How is it that the next day we would forever be living in a nightmare? I remember when you were crying and daddy gave me a hard time for going in and getting you that night. In the back of my mind I told myself I didn't care because if I didn't go get you and something happened to you I would be so mad at myself for not picking you up one last time that night. God I never thought it would be the last time I would hold you alive and get to play with you, see your smile, and hear your laugh. We played and you curled up under my chin to just have your mommy time. God I miss that so much! I knew I had to put you to bed eventually but had I know it would be my last night with you I would have held you all night long. Instead, I had no idea and I still remember the last moment that I shut those doors. You pushed yourself up and looked up at me with that sad face, laid your head down and started to suck your thumb! I played your music and put the sign of the cross on your head and said "angels watch over you" and kissed you one last time. Right now those memories just make tears streem down my face. My heart hurts so bad because part of it is missing and will be forever. You were my kindred spirit and I miss that connection. The day you went to heaven part of me went with you. Please know I love you so much and wish I could have been there the moment you went to heaven. I'm so sorry I couldn't bring you back and save your life, I really tried my hardest. God just wanted you with him as much as I want you with me. I don't understand it but I have to accept it since I cannot change it. My heart is so heavy and I miss you in ways I cannot explain but I am putting my life and yours in my faith in God and his plan for us. I can't believe tomorrow morning you will have been gone for 5 months...it seems like yesterday that part of my soul left. I love you for all eternity my little monkey!