Happy New Year

Here is a Happy New Year from our family to yours. This has been a year full of so many ups and downs. I am praying that a lot of this comes into focus this year for us. 2011 has been rough emotionally. I was praying for a Christmas miracle...that God would somehow find a way to save our home or just get us out of this area all together. None of that really came through. The finalized Sheriff sale takes part on Jan 12th and we still have quite a bit to do to get our things out of the house. The thought of it takes all I have in me to not cry. Hugh and I knew this as home and so did our children. In such a short amount of time all of that will be gone, less than two weeks to be exact. The very thought makes me hold my breath to think that when we look at that house from my parents deck it will no longer be ours.

Every single part of me aches thinking that we are going to be leaving our home and have no say in the matter. You would think with all we have been through that God could have left us that but guess not. So often I will sit here thankful for my parents but also wishing we still had our own place. Many days I feel like I have to walk on egg shells to keep things copacetic. The kids are just now getting used to wearing clothing around their own home. For me, I just haven't found that nitch. When I was at our house I could pick up the phone without having to say who I was calling or leave something laying around without fear I will catch hell for it later on. When I am sad and want time to myself, I can't do that now without feeling like it will eventually be used against me saying I need counseling or just in general, I can't be the person I am now vs the person I was before. This is not complaining, by any means, we are so thankful for all my parents have done for us. These are just the things that I miss the most from living on our own. There is such a give and take that comes into play whenever something like this happens and it is hard for both sides. Right now there are two other families in our church going through a similar situation and we are all going through a lot of the same things.

I try to keep my mind focused on the fact that this is part of God's plan for us. The blessings outweigh the drawbacks. My children will know my parents in a way that most kids today don't. we are able to be there for one another on many levels. Hugh and I can help to contribute to the bills. Living here allows Hugh to be under less stress in terms of not having to worry about us or having to come up with money to pay all the bills/mortgage. The pros outweigh the cons or we would not be putting ourselves and my parents through all of this. The biggest drawback for me is having to leave the only place George knew as home. If God had wanted us to stay there then he would have made there be a way for us to keep the house but I guess there was more to come from us loosing it than keeping. No Christmas Miracles were in store for us just like there were no miracles in store for us that day George died.

One of My Favorite Cartoons...Not In the USA

This one reminds me of the love shown for us as we have walked this path.

This makes me think of the special and precious gift that life really is.

This makes me think of my little monkey...I LOVE this one.


This reminds me of friends and family who have been there for us through all we have had to endure.

This little character always reminds me of Germany and my best friend in Germany who I wish lived here. They don't carry these little guys in the United States even though I wish they did. I don't know what made me think to look up this cartoon tonight but I was missing my best friend and being able to talk to her regularly and really wish she was here not in Germany...she really does understand me. We have had our ups and downs but in the end we are always there for one another in whatever capacity we can be. I miss her dearly!

Poems

I only have a picture now,
A frozen piece of time,
To remind me of how it was,
when you were here, and mine.
I see your smiling eyes,
Each morning when I wake,
I talk to you, and place a kiss,
upon your lovely face.
How much I miss you being here,
I really can not say,
The ache is deep inside my heart,
And never goes away.
I hear it mentioned often,
That time will heal the pain,
But if I'm being honest,
I hope it will remain.
I need to feel you constantly,
To get me through the day,
I loved you so very much.
Why did you go away?
The angels came and took you,
That really wasn't fair,
If only they had asked me,
If I would take your place,
I would have done so willingly,
leaving this world to grace.
You should have had so many years,
To watch your life unfold,
And in the mist of this,
Watch me, your Mum grow old.
I hope you watch from above,
At the daily tasks I do,
And let there be no doubt at all,
I really do love you and miss you.

Not sure who wrote this, I came across it some where but the words r beautiful xxx

The cord

We are connected my child and I
By an invisible cord not seen by the eye
Its not like the cord that connects us til birth
This cord can't be seen by any on Earth.
This cord does its work right from the start
It binds us together attached to my heart.
I know that its there though no one can see
The invisible cord from my child to me.
The strength of this cord is hard to describe
It can't be destroyed it can't be denied.
Its stronger than any cord man could create.
It withstands the test can hold any weight.
And though you are gone though you are not here with me
The cord is still there though no one can see.
It pulls at my heart
I am bruised I am sore
But this cord is my lifeline as never before.
I am thankful that God connects us this way
A mother and child death can't take away!

Merry Christmas 2011!

May God be with you and your family this holiday season. Tonight begins our festivities with our church play that I am running. Please keep us in your prayers especially Josh and Mike who are sick and Gabby seems to have a touch of whatever it is. They aren't running fevers so that is great but their congestion is pretty bad and we have been doing nebulizer treatments and smart vest treatments. Hugh unfortunately is working today so he will miss much of the beginning things. After church I will return home with the kids since I don't want the boys getting sicker or getting anyone else sick. Tomorrow everyone comes to my mom's place so there is no avoiding it but I am going to try my best to keep them in bed as long as I can after gifts.

This is our second year without George and the hardest thus far. It has been so hard infact that I have not had it in me to even write about it. By the time I get to it, I am so exhausted on all levels I just go to sleep. Under his tree this year are two gifts from his family. This second year has just been terrible and yet I cannot even believe we are coming to the end of the two year mark. It seems as if yesterday he died. The hard part is that from Sept until February I am just filled with so many mixed emotions and higher anxiety and depression in general. Those are the months he was alive so I have memories to compare to.

Anyway, I just wanted to wish you all a Merry Christmas from our family to yours!

Shear Pain

The past two days have been full of heartache and pain for me. So often I find myself choking back tears. Tonight I woke up with George on my mind and just could not go back to sleep. My heart is just aching and writhing in pain. I thought that doing this project would make it easier and in some ways it did and others it didn't. I'm proud of the project and all we did to make this happen however I want my son rather than a bunch of stockings. People say it is a good thing and I know that it was but I want my baby back, not having to remember him this way. Life is so hard to live without him.

For Christmas, I am asking any of you who read this to please leave a message below in the comment section here. Please let us know how George touched your life. I've asked for people to do this sort of thing before and they haven't but I am asking that you take a few moments just to let me know how he has changed your life for the better. I guess in some way I need to know that there is some validation for all this pain that I carry in my heart. Please do this as a gift to me.

Thank You!

I want to thank you all for helping to make this stocking project take off. We were blessed to be able to fill all 100 stockings in George's memory and that of others in heaven. This was the project for us that truly touched our hearts on a different level. We never could have done it without all of those who helped. Below are some pictures of our project. My favorite one is the one of Gabby in our shopping cart full of items for the stockings...her innocence in this all is captured and just precious as we honor her big brother's memory. Thank you all from the bottom of our hearts!

Poem

Clare O'Reilly

When little ones leave us we seem to think,
Their lives were somehow incomplete .
Yet, we may not see the role they play
In helping someone else see the way.

Who knows what blessing their life may bring,
Though seemingly such a tragic thing.
For Maybe some lost soul will see
His desperate need of Calvary.

A mom might begin to treasure her role
As she realizes her investment in a soul.
Maybe a dad will spend more time
Making memories versus spending a dime.

Maybe a sibling will stop to pray
Before choosing unkind words to say.
Maybe hurt feeling will begin to mend
To secure their bond with a friend.

Who knows the impact a life can make;
There is a purpose for Heaven’s sake.
So though we hate to say goodbye;
We know that Jesus now holds you nigh!