Just the Motions

I can't believe how much we have gotten into just doing things to complete them. Richard and I were talking about how this year didn't feel like Christmas at all for us. It was nice and all but nothing made it feel the way it used to. I don't know how to get that back and I want it back. What I really want back is the people we used to be. Nothing beats yearning for innocence when in fact you know you cannot ever have it. It is that proverbial once I tell you I can't untell you kind of thing. Boy I wish I didn't know and I could find a way to get back to that person I was before and somehow mix the two me's.

I know often I have said how hard this all is and how in the world we are surviving all that life has thrown at us. You know we are strong and just keep getting stronger. Even though my heart is broken and will forever carry scars, it will be stronger than ever before. I think that this trip to Florida is going to be able to do that for me. We need a new start, I need a new start. I'm so sick of feeling so sad and doing what others want or think I need to do. I've tried to do it their way by taking medicine and talking to others who have gone through this but I have not done what I need to do for myself. My whole life I have been afraid to disappoint and not be good enough. This was not something placed on anyone but me, I'm a perfectionist by nature. I think it is my way of trying to control what little bits of my life I can so I make a big deal out of the wrong bread(yes totally stupid!)

Loosing our house is so very bitter sweet. I want to save it but realistically we can no longer afford our house with the salary Hugh is making now. I've seen great strides in the kids and my parents since we have moved in, all for the better. We have our moments and it is kind of odd and hard at times to make it feel like our home too. Christmas was really the beginning when we didn't know what to decorate or what was ok so neither my mom or I just let it go. I kind of think that was why it didn't feel like Christmas. I know she says to just do whatever but I was also raised to have respect and so it is a little odd. In the end I know we will all work it out. The bumps and hurdles will be there for us and I know they won't be easy but if this is where God wants us then I will follow.

Somehow I need to look at myself as not a looser and horrible person. This isn't how my life was suppose to be and I need to accept the way that it is not what I wanted or others wanted for me. Letting down myself is easy, but letting down others is just heart wrenching. You see them all happy for you and yet you know the reality of it all and it isn't going to really happen and then you let them down and you might as well take your heart out and stomp on int a million times over. If I am truly honest with myself I put more pressure on myself than others do and I need to realize that I cannot make everyone happy so I just have to love myself....much easier said than none. When I go away I hope to really work on some of these things and accept that my home is gone and that is ok, My son is gone and that is ok, my health is a mess right now and that is ok. I am leaving it all in God's hands and listening to the instincts he gives me because I know if you don't he only pulls at you harder.

Above all things, I thank God for my family. If it was not for them, we would be homeless. They love my children unconditionally like they are their own especially at the times where it is hard for Hugh and I since we are just barely able to breath that day. We have our moments but they are nothing like they were when I was growing up here and we are still figuring it all out and testing all the waters to see what works and what doesn't. In the end I know this is where we are suppose to be no matter how much I prayed for a Christmas Miracle for our family to not loose our house but I'm ok with it. We gave up our house so that Hugh could have time with George while he was alive and I would do it again, no questions asked.

Thank you Mom and Dad! You are the best and I don't know where we would be without you both...you have always been there sharing the pain and chaos even if it was indirectly and through us. I wish I could fix it all so that your hearts didn't have to hurt for us as you sit by and watch without any control. We will figure it all out! THANK YOU!

Thank you Michelle, Tara, and Tony. You each have contributed and supported us in some capacity. Taking the kids for 2 hrs to go get stuff for bows! Being a shoulder to cry on who really does understand. A kind soul who loved my son almost as much as I did and you carry such a heavy heart for my monkey just like I do. You are all there in our lives for a reason and I LOVE YOU and cannot thank you enough. Tara you need to think of a word better for the world than Thank you.

Thank you other angel mom's who come to this page and who have walked with me when I wanted to fall. We all lean on one another and have never met but need each other to make it through life. I am forever Grateful for you all.

My church family, you know who you are, you are the ones who silently read this page and try to do what you can on your own in some way. You have come to understand our family in a way that not many others know and that is really a gift in its ownright. The smallest things mean the most. We love you all for who you are!

To everyone else who has come across this blog and feels pain for us and learns something about safe sleep or a grief camp available to children, learned about this horrible disease, the support is more than you will ever know. you can look on here and even though no one leaves messages I see the numbers of those who follow and there are so many all over the world who have read my page. I hope that you get something and take something from my sharing. I want it to be raw emotions or feelings that are happening so that if you see another person in our shoes that maybe you could be there for them in the capacity that they need you and that you realize this is life long and there is nothing wrong if they cry for what seems to others as no reason....her heart will forever cry for the child they never got to see grow up....they are our forever children!

THANK YOU ALL FOR ALL YOU DO! GOD BLESS! HAPPY NEW YEARS!

Strong Enough by Matthew West

Laura Story - Blessings

Happy New Year

Here is a Happy New Year from our family to yours. This has been a year full of so many ups and downs. I am praying that a lot of this comes into focus this year for us. 2011 has been rough emotionally. I was praying for a Christmas miracle...that God would somehow find a way to save our home or just get us out of this area all together. None of that really came through. The finalized Sheriff sale takes part on Jan 12th and we still have quite a bit to do to get our things out of the house. The thought of it takes all I have in me to not cry. Hugh and I knew this as home and so did our children. In such a short amount of time all of that will be gone, less than two weeks to be exact. The very thought makes me hold my breath to think that when we look at that house from my parents deck it will no longer be ours.

Every single part of me aches thinking that we are going to be leaving our home and have no say in the matter. You would think with all we have been through that God could have left us that but guess not. So often I will sit here thankful for my parents but also wishing we still had our own place. Many days I feel like I have to walk on egg shells to keep things copacetic. The kids are just now getting used to wearing clothing around their own home. For me, I just haven't found that nitch. When I was at our house I could pick up the phone without having to say who I was calling or leave something laying around without fear I will catch hell for it later on. When I am sad and want time to myself, I can't do that now without feeling like it will eventually be used against me saying I need counseling or just in general, I can't be the person I am now vs the person I was before. This is not complaining, by any means, we are so thankful for all my parents have done for us. These are just the things that I miss the most from living on our own. There is such a give and take that comes into play whenever something like this happens and it is hard for both sides. Right now there are two other families in our church going through a similar situation and we are all going through a lot of the same things.

I try to keep my mind focused on the fact that this is part of God's plan for us. The blessings outweigh the drawbacks. My children will know my parents in a way that most kids today don't. we are able to be there for one another on many levels. Hugh and I can help to contribute to the bills. Living here allows Hugh to be under less stress in terms of not having to worry about us or having to come up with money to pay all the bills/mortgage. The pros outweigh the cons or we would not be putting ourselves and my parents through all of this. The biggest drawback for me is having to leave the only place George knew as home. If God had wanted us to stay there then he would have made there be a way for us to keep the house but I guess there was more to come from us loosing it than keeping. No Christmas Miracles were in store for us just like there were no miracles in store for us that day George died.

One of My Favorite Cartoons...Not In the USA

This one reminds me of the love shown for us as we have walked this path.

This makes me think of the special and precious gift that life really is.

This makes me think of my little monkey...I LOVE this one.


This reminds me of friends and family who have been there for us through all we have had to endure.

This little character always reminds me of Germany and my best friend in Germany who I wish lived here. They don't carry these little guys in the United States even though I wish they did. I don't know what made me think to look up this cartoon tonight but I was missing my best friend and being able to talk to her regularly and really wish she was here not in Germany...she really does understand me. We have had our ups and downs but in the end we are always there for one another in whatever capacity we can be. I miss her dearly!

Poems

I only have a picture now,
A frozen piece of time,
To remind me of how it was,
when you were here, and mine.
I see your smiling eyes,
Each morning when I wake,
I talk to you, and place a kiss,
upon your lovely face.
How much I miss you being here,
I really can not say,
The ache is deep inside my heart,
And never goes away.
I hear it mentioned often,
That time will heal the pain,
But if I'm being honest,
I hope it will remain.
I need to feel you constantly,
To get me through the day,
I loved you so very much.
Why did you go away?
The angels came and took you,
That really wasn't fair,
If only they had asked me,
If I would take your place,
I would have done so willingly,
leaving this world to grace.
You should have had so many years,
To watch your life unfold,
And in the mist of this,
Watch me, your Mum grow old.
I hope you watch from above,
At the daily tasks I do,
And let there be no doubt at all,
I really do love you and miss you.

Not sure who wrote this, I came across it some where but the words r beautiful xxx

The cord

We are connected my child and I
By an invisible cord not seen by the eye
Its not like the cord that connects us til birth
This cord can't be seen by any on Earth.
This cord does its work right from the start
It binds us together attached to my heart.
I know that its there though no one can see
The invisible cord from my child to me.
The strength of this cord is hard to describe
It can't be destroyed it can't be denied.
Its stronger than any cord man could create.
It withstands the test can hold any weight.
And though you are gone though you are not here with me
The cord is still there though no one can see.
It pulls at my heart
I am bruised I am sore
But this cord is my lifeline as never before.
I am thankful that God connects us this way
A mother and child death can't take away!

Merry Christmas 2011!

May God be with you and your family this holiday season. Tonight begins our festivities with our church play that I am running. Please keep us in your prayers especially Josh and Mike who are sick and Gabby seems to have a touch of whatever it is. They aren't running fevers so that is great but their congestion is pretty bad and we have been doing nebulizer treatments and smart vest treatments. Hugh unfortunately is working today so he will miss much of the beginning things. After church I will return home with the kids since I don't want the boys getting sicker or getting anyone else sick. Tomorrow everyone comes to my mom's place so there is no avoiding it but I am going to try my best to keep them in bed as long as I can after gifts.

This is our second year without George and the hardest thus far. It has been so hard infact that I have not had it in me to even write about it. By the time I get to it, I am so exhausted on all levels I just go to sleep. Under his tree this year are two gifts from his family. This second year has just been terrible and yet I cannot even believe we are coming to the end of the two year mark. It seems as if yesterday he died. The hard part is that from Sept until February I am just filled with so many mixed emotions and higher anxiety and depression in general. Those are the months he was alive so I have memories to compare to.

Anyway, I just wanted to wish you all a Merry Christmas from our family to yours!