Things I Have Forgotten

It just amazes me at the number of things that you loose when you burry your child. People take for granted the fact that they can smile/laugh and mean it. The sound of birds chirping in the morning and just taking the warmth the sun put on my face and just warms you and your soul. I've found out that I need to allow myself to do those things and have meaning behind them all again. It isn't like I didn't mean to do those things in a different way but I realized how much of a lack of enthusiasm I have doing them because so often I know it is expected of me and to keep the peace and sanity I have always played the middle guy...this time around there are times I have to just walk away because there is no middle ground mediator for me.


Two days before I returned home from FL crap hit the fan with some of my family memberts and they were ready to lynch me. I had posted what I thought was an innocent comment about how good of a time I was having and how I really connected with my friend Sarah(her brother died as an infant and no one knew him but she has watched her mom mourn for him for years) Sarah and I also have this wonderful connection and know that if something happened that the other would be there right away, no questions asked. I have one other friend, Andrea, fro Germany. It is so hard for me since I was not a woman who had a lot of "girlfriends" I find that people fall into different catagories where relationships are concerned and that could even change daily.

After all the crap I had to deal with after this whole thing that just had to add a bad element to my trip, I thought to myself that I can't change what they think of me or what I do but I can just say I hear you but agree to disagree now. My sister Tara is always asking me what I "NEED" but there is no real answer to that and I found that out this death date of George. I went out and got my own flowers (my mom had sent some too and gave me a book and monkey figurine with wings. THANKS MOM) I ordered an Edible Arrangement and had it sent here. Ordered a pretzle tray and sandwich tray. I invited people but only felt in my heart that a few would show but I really was hoping for more but I should have known better. Earlier I had overheard a conversation saying how it was wrong to ask for cards or trinkets for my son on his death date. The very thought of that just hurt. We didn't get many but we did get a few cards, books, handmade photo colage book, and a handmade clay monkey. My sister Tara did get each kid a monkey thing and gave us a monkey mailbox for valentines. In the end I didn't get disappointed as much and did it all for my son even though he can't be here for it.

These thoughts and small gestures are what I need...they are what mean the most. My aunt would send meals weeks after everyone else stopped. I've come to recognize that I am a people pleaser but cannot do that all the time and there are moments what I need to do may sound selfish or wrong but I am trying to do best by myself and my children. Our whole family lost him but the tight core of us who were there and witnessed the horrible morning events hae the hardest time and they will be for a lifetime. Somehow in all this I came to realize so many things I had forgotten because grief is so deep and consumes so much of who you now are as you blindly try to figure it all out.

This morning I laid in bed at 7am before the chaos begins and I was listening to the birds sing as if it was the first time I have ever heard them. The worlds is new and I need to learn to live in it. The world really is the same but I am different and I have to now accept and face the world as the new me. Someone who looses a limb is alive but have to learn to deal with the loss of part of their being...this is the same when you loose your child. You have to relearn to live in a new way due to the loss of such an enormous part of who you are.

I surely could use some more time away to work a little on myself and want to work with Hugh so we are on the same page. There is a place called Faith's Lodge that is a christian get away for parents/families that have suffered the loss of a child. We would really benefit from this but we have to find a way to pay for flight to get there and that sort of stuff. No matter the out come t is all in God's hands right where it is suppose to be.

Earie sounds of morning

Well right about know we had found George's body and things were in full swing. The police were rushed to the house as I stood there helplessly wishing they could do what I could not until that moment. His little body was rushed to the ER where they were no more successful....my heart is just breaking thinking about how fast that morning went. It was so sad and so hard...you can live through the shock of it all and that is why the second year is so hard...all of that is gone. The cold reality of it all is in your face. I was up all night with panic attacks taking medication and prayin they would subside so I could get back to sleep.

Today we have decided since Hugh had to work yesterday, we will off space to anyone who wants to come around 2pm and share the happiness for his birthday and joy we do hold in our hearts for George's heavenly birthday. If you cannot make it please consider doing a random act of kindness and coming back to let me know what you did. I am headed to the craft store today to get me a scrap book. It doesn't have to be a memory you have with him alive but maybe somehow he touched you in some capacity. I have tried to do this before without much success but I hope more people choose to help out so we can fill his book and each year add to it on his birthday/holidays/heavenly birthday.

Please keep us in your prayers and those also who celebrate the same tragedy we do today. May God's loving peace find thyme and comfort them the way they need to be.

Prayers Please

Right now I am having such a difficult time with my anxiety...my heart has not stopped racing since yesterday. I did not get to sleep until 5am and even now I can feel the anxiety through my whole body. This is so much harder than his first year. I'm in need of as may prayers as you can muster for me to get through this hard time!

Insomnia

I cannot tell you how hard it is to function on such little sleep. There are moments I am exhausted but cannot sleep. Anxiety and my mind running away with me just make it so hard to wind down enough to find sleep. Tonight is one of those nights. The closer we get to George's death date the worse my anxiety gets and the simplest thing will start my heart racing. Last night my parents came in the house and I was sound asleep only to wake with such panic in my heart the minute I heard the door shut. Today I had several attacks...one Hugh was upstairs and I could hear his voice but not what he was saying and I started to panic...later that day Joshua knocked something over and I was sent on another attack trying to calm myself down. These attacks are just awful and you cannot prepare yourself nor talk yourself out of these things.

The attacks when George first died were different and although they were more frequent they were not to the core of who I am. These attacks I can feel coming on and I try to talk myself down from them but can't and don't say anything to anyone for fear that they just won't really understand. People will always say that they understand but they are wrong unless they have been down this road. How can I say that? I was in their shoes before and what I thought was completely wrong and things were so different then I could ever realize. Watching my friend walk this path there were moments when I thought she was crazy and I now feel horrible about it. My heart now breaks for those who do walk this path and thank God that those who don't, really don't have to know what it truly is like and that they can only empathize.

I think one of the hardest parts in all of this is watching it all unfold but having no control over any of it. In my mind I am a totally different person than I am on the outside. It is like the outer part has to protect the inner vulnerable parts. I've gotten good at playing the part but it is like watching someone else live my life. One part of me is stuck with my son and yet part of me moves on every single day even if I don't want to. I cannot bring him back and not only do I mourn his death, I mourn the death of the person I once was. It is so hard to sit back and know you have to be patient with yourself as you try to relearn to live life and yet not squander any moment of it. I see others around me hurting but I have nothing left of myself to give sometimes. There are days when all I can do is get out of bed and trudge through another day. I thank God for the day and his guidance to bring me to the place he wants me. It seems so selfish to not be able to get past yourself but it is also a blessing to realize this.

Lately, I have been realizing that God is teaching me how to laugh and smile again...not like before...but different and not a bad different. It is however hard to see how much my family has needed me and yet I have not been able to give to them like I was so used to. This trip to Florida on Monday with my friend is one I know is much needed. It feels so selfish to be going away by myself and I am having quite a bit of anxiety about it. I often don't wonder if this does not also add to my anxiety attacks since I have not left my children without me for more than a day or so. This is actually the first time I will leave Gabrielle and that is really causing me a lot of anxiety. We have met a lot of the milestones that I had hoped to but I once found some false sense of security in those types of things only to find out that was all they were, false.

Tonight I sat here thinking about children and the gift they truly are. You cannot learn this sort of love without having a child and you cannot face death without facing birth. Everything comes on its own balance and without taking the risk of one, you cannot reap the rewards of the others. If God had told me I would have George but only for a short time, I would have done it willingly although I would have been apprehensive and probably kept my distance from him. I often wonder why we didn't know ahead of time and I truly think it was because God wanted us to give him unconditional love with no fear of holding back. George got to know our souls, especially mine in a way like no one else had. I really think this is why it hurt so bad when he died...I had to get a lifetime of love crammed into 4.5 months and if given the choice I know I wouldn't change things as much as I say I would.

Without George dying I know Gabrielle would not be here. With everyone in my family always giving Hugh and I a hard time about additional children, I never would have even thought of it that soon if I had wanted to keep my sanity. Every single time I was pregnant I was happy but dreaded telling anyone since I knew the minute they knew all my happiness was gone out the window as I face judgement and ridicule. It was so hard to tell people about Gabrielle not because I feared their negative reactions but rather didn't want positive ones now just because my son was dead and it was ok by their standards. If it were up to me, I would probably never tell anyone until the baby is born so that I could have reveled in my joy without wondering if people were talking behind my back like they always did taking away the simple joy of being happy for myself and my husband and the wonderful blessing from God that I felt growing deep within.

In the end I have to trust in Gods plan for all of this, even the inability to sleep at times. Some of the times I find myself closest to him is during these waking hours that I will surely regret in the morning. I'll probably be thinking something different in the morning when I am dragging Josh out of bed kicking and screaming and Hugh goes off to work while I miss having him home. Our lives have changed so drastically in the past two years that it is barely unrecognizable other than the love the two of us have. His time that he was laid off ultimately lead to a lot of things but the things I will forever cherish are the moments that we all got to spend together and how he got to spend all that time with George. He would have not known George if he was working like he is now. His job loss was the best gift God could have ever given him. I pray to find sleep soon enough but until that time comes, I will sit here just praying for all of the moms across the world doing the same thing I am right now for I know I am not alone and that is unfortunate.

Noah's Dad Working to Change Down Syndrome Attitudes

Noah's Dad Working to Change Down Syndrome Attitudes

Time Marches On

Time marches on with you or without you in it. The very thought of that is dumbfounding to me sometimes. You find yourself saying you would die if this person or that person died or was harmed when in fact that really isn't the case. Your heart will never be the same, that is true, but time will march on either way. Some people find strength in themselves while others draw from their face. As you have come to learn by following my story, I choose the latter. I really do believe everything happens for a reason in this life and that is the good and bad. Every situation comes with a good-side and a bad-side to them.

I stood in the mirror today staring at myself thinking about how years ago I never would have ever planned to be where I am right now. Richard just turned 13 yesterday and I wanted to make it as special a day as possible. Girls have their sweet 16 but boys don't have much so I have decided that the day they become a teenager, I will consider that a special day for them. We sent him a "flower bouquet" made out of cookies and had it delivered to the school. He called the moment he got them and thanked me for them. I had them make them purple(Rich's favorite color) and put a monkey in as one of the cookies It was really cute, almost so cute you don't want to open it! I love these sorts of little gifts, they are practical and don't die even though you can eat them. It is a little more expensive but I now it is appreciated and will be put to use.

I've been thinking about what we want to do for George's death date. Last year we had Gabrielle baptized that day and I was grateful for that but there is now something else we have to do this time around. We are asking people to do a random act of kindness in his memory and if you feel compelled to do so please send something to us here. I want to put together a collection of "angel monkeys" to decorate his mantle with. Please also consider the boys and Gabby and how there might be something special you could do for or send to them. That day I want to sit together as a family and open the things sent to us and remember the good memories that we had with him. I'd also be hopeful to share what we did that day in memory of George to do something nice for someone else. If you have chosen to help in this capacity please email/call me and let me know what you did in George's memory. Hopefully we will have some tangible stories and can put together some scrap pages and start a scrap book. If you happen to have pictures of George or of something that means something to you please send that along so we can make this part of our project.


I know we can do this and make it a good day rather than a day full of dread. It is going to hinge upon others participating so it may be limited since often times I have to make these things happen or beg for participation. I am praying that this time people will find it in their hearts to do something that speaks to them in some way and share it with us. Feel free to share this with anyone you may feel would like to help out. Something that may not be a big deal to you could be a huge thing to us! Please share your stories or mail card/item for the mantle! Thank you all in advance.