Missing you so much...had a hard day today...on the way to taking Joshua to the doctors, an ambulance drove by with is lights and sirens on. Just hearing them brought me back to the morning you left...it hurts so bad today. I was fine only to find myself with tears running down my face and trying to keep it together at the doctors office. That siren just kept blaring in my mind and the events of that morning just came flooding back yet again.
No one will ever really know what that does to me. Daddy yelled the other day and it was just like that morning when he screamed for me after he found you. My god this is nothing anyone should have to bare in their lives. You weren't suppose to die. I wasn't suppose to live my life like this. Every day I try to do what people want me to do and live life as best I can but living without you is like having to live without air. I'm told to look at the brighter side of things and be happy for the things I do have and I really want to but it doesn't work that way and being told that only makes all of it so much worse. I'll have my moments and should just be allowed them...God will get me through it even if it is during some moments by just helping me to breath and put one step in front of another.
Tonight I went to get Josh a milkshake since he has strep throat and the guy at the window told me how I have beautiful blue eyes. I thanked him but could not think past how this boy had no idea what these eyes have seen and how they have really lost the happiness that used to be there. Never again will they shine with joy like it used to be, true joy without pain. You had those same blue eyes that God blessed me with and all I kept thinking was how beautiful they were and how much I missed seeing them. I see them in pictures but they are not the same...I miss seeing that love and connection that we had with one another that no one else did or knew. It was funny because I remember having you in my belly wondering if you would have mine or daddy's eyes. All those moments are gone.
I think with all the other things and having to drive past the house all the time now since the RV is parked in the driveway, I just die all over again. We used to park in the driveway so it didn't matter what way we came down the road but now it does. I'd be lying if I said when I got in the van or coming home, I don't try to find another way to not have to go past our old house where I felt your presence...it's like you are in arms reach but just ripped way each time I drive past. Today I looked at your garden and just cried...it was so overgrown and resembled nothing like it used to when we took care of it and tended it.
I had to leave so much behind but that is one of the hardest...especially the boulders that no one would go get for me. After we found out Gabby was going to be part of our family, we bought one for each of us to put in your garden. I asked over and over again for daddy and poppy to get them but they told me they couldn't. We got them back there but no one could bring them back...just another sad thing that breaks my heart when I think of it. In the end I was really the only person they mattered to and there was a lot of meaning behind them to me. I know you knew...I'd sit on one next to your plaque and talk to you or just spend quiet time there trying to just make it through another day.
It seems just as I have it together something happens and I am back ten steps just praying that God will get me through because I know I can't do it. Never do I feel more alone than the moments where I miss you the most. I don't know how they say that it gets easier because for me it has just gotten harder. I'm not sure if all the other stuff like loosing our house and generally crappy life circumstances adds to it but I keep waiting for a time when it doesn't have to be so hard and we don't have so many challenges. I know you are with me in my heart but it is nothing like when I had you in my arms...they feel so empty when I miss you. I know that heaven is great and I am so glad you are there but I want you here and I'd be lying if I said anything different. Besides your daddy, you are the love of my life...just in a different way...our connection was so unique and I was the center of your world...you left this world knowing your mothers love...something that was never changed because you never got to grow up. I know you understand even if no one else does. If only I could hug and kiss you right now!!! For now I will just go as tears run down my face and yet again I pray to God to help me through all of this.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Friday, September 21, 2012
Feels Just Like Home Lyrics
This song is for myself and family/friends. I am really working hard on moving forward after the tragic death of my son. Thank you all for standing by me even when I was lost but I am trying to learn to live this new life without my little monkey but I never forgot what home is to me...it isn't a place, it is a place in my heart!
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
I Am Blessed!!!
If I am honest with all of you and myself, this past year has been a year full of me fumbling through the grief process. I've been praying a lot coming up to George's birthday knowing we are coming up to what I call our season of grief. Deep in my soul, I know this past year was not how I wanted to handle it all for so many reasons. This process of grief is not easy and it comes with so many ups and downs and trials and errors along the way as we try to find a way to live this new life we have been given. Life is not what I wanted for myself and my family and I have not found it fair and where George was concerned, I felt cheated.
Until recently, I didn't realize that I was so angry with God and all the trials he has given us. We are good people who would give the shirt off our backs or our very last penny to a person in need. Growing up, I thought that being good was all it took to not have bad stuff happen and even a small part of me wants to believe that now. The thing is that God didn't promise that and so often he is using the trials for his own glory. I was angry that he did not save us from this pain and suffering...I've done what he has asked of me and been "good" and yet I hurt more the day he died.
The pain I talk about is such a deep rooted pain, down to the very core of my being. There were days I had wished I could have just curled up and died. I would lie in bed and just beg God to take the pain away and to help me through this to make it so I am able to find a way to glorify God through all of this because otherwise there is no purpose to all we are going through. It took me so long to want to do that through George's death but all along I have been trying to do that through the fundraisers, donations, random acts of kindness, and other things we have tried to do in George's memory. What I was really asking God was to allow me to do this not only on special days but every single day of my life.
I have come to realize that I can't wait for God to do this or help me do this for that matter but rather I know I need to take each day and live it for not only George but myself and my family included. George needs to live on through me and all that I do...I know he has but now I cannot count on others to help me through this because they can't. So often we have felt alone in this journey because so often when we did fundraisers or had a special thing in his memory not many people would respond or help us with it and so many times it came down to begging. His birthday really made this apparent to me when we asked people to tell us how George changed their lives or to even donate items for our stocking project and there were only a handful of people who did. This past week my niece had her 2nd birthday and I sat there thinking of how many friends and people my sister and her husband have in their lives as we went to my nieces second party and saw the gifts that where piled under the table from the day before. A part of me was jealous of this sort of love and support they had because so often I feel like we don't even have that when we are trying to do something good like our stocking project.
People so often misjudge us, not knowing our whole story, rather than embracing us for who we are all the way down to the worst part of who we are. Last night as Hugh and I discussed this, I said the same thing and as it came out of my mouth, I realized there is no one that will be able to ever do that except God. I spend my life worrying if I am doing things right or wrong by everyone elses standards worrying what they will think but not ever listening to that voice/gut feeling I know is God calling me to allow him to live through me and I live for him. He knows our story and loves us for our worst flaws and things that we do that are "good" will find a way of coming to fruition because he has placed them on my heart and I will do what I am called to no matter how much support there is and I will cherish those who do support us and love us no matter the number. This is hard for me but I have really prayed about it and plan to work on this part of myself. I know I have to just put my faith in God and do what he wants me to do rather than what I think others want or even what I want. My life is so far from what I wanted for myself and yet I would not change any of it because it made me who I am today and no matter what anyone thinks, I know I can stand before God today and be proud of who I am and what I have done.
I've come to find that the harder I try to listen to God the more opportunities I have had to be called to show love and support to someone else. Without George's death, I would not know how to connect with those who have had a significant loss in their lives and I know first hand how hard it is to find support and love because no one understands unless they have walked this path. We all grieve differently, myself included and there is no where for judgement from those who have not walked this path...we have a RIGHT to grieve how we need to...there is no map or directions on how to survive your child dying. This past year was not how I wanted to live but it has also taught me how NOT to live this new life. I needed this year of feeling lost because without it, I would not know what it is like to be found. Never will I be the same person I was before and at one point I yearned for that but now I am learning how to embrace the new me and the new life we lead. It isn't easy but I have to trust that God will provide what we NEED not what we want. God is using all of these trials to glorify him and also to show me he is here ALWAYS, especially when I feel so lost and alone.
I know I get tired of being the one there for so many others and when I need it or ask for it, it just isn't there or people are busy with so many other things. I'm sure that others judgement of us comes to play in some of this but I have come to realize that if God places things on my heart than he will make them happen. He will provide a way and support me no matter how I FEEL inside. Life is really all about perception because if it is real to that person in their mind(even if that is not truly how it is) than that is their truth and what they are working with in their life. So often we discount people's feelings and tell them that they shouldn't feel that way when in fact we are just denying them the ability to address their feelings so they can move forward. I've done so much work since George's birthday and so much personal reflection and really praying.
Since that time and now each day, I have been given some very great opportunities to show God's love to someone else by simple acts of kindness. It is about showing God's love and getting past our own hang ups in life. I don't need someone elses support to be kind and show love to others. The other day I paid for a mans bill at Walmart. He was in front of me and his card wouldn't work. He was not well dressed and you could tell that life had hit him hard and I could feel it in his spirit. This man was embarassed and fumbling to pay the bill. With that I just asked the cashier how much it was and I don't even know why I did because I was going to pay that bill no matter what it was that we had in our bank...I knew God ment for me to do that. This stranger to me just kept telling me no and I just swiped the card and told him to let me do it as my gift to him because I could not buy my son a birthday gift since he was in heaven and I wanted to do that for him. He just kept thanking me and I handed him a card I carry in my wallet that had George's info on it and asked him to pass along the gift when he could in whatever manner he could. I didn't need his thanks nor did I want it...I knew I was meant to do it.
Today I had to speak with a woman from the welfare building in order to do our yearly update. Yes we get public assistance and I am not hiding it...my husband works hard and just doesn't make enough money. He still pays taxes out of his paycheck and we contribute to the world in a way we are called to do. This woman was calling me to do her job and at the end of the conversation I just told her I needed to thank her for her job today. With that she told me how much she needed to hear that today. Every day she has to tell people how she can or cannot help them...they are in there often times in tears at their rope end. She hears stories like ours and yet can barely do things to help these people like us. People have such a horrible perception of those who need help...we aren't just living on the system and drug addicts, we are eveyday people who life has happened to. I'm not going to deny that there are people who take advantage of the system but most of them are people who life has tossed around and who are grasping for something or someone to care or who can help. This woman was not the person who was suppose to call me, that person got transfered today last minute and she was given her desk plus the work she already had! She was having such a bad day and something in my heart compelled me to just thank her.
Why did I post about these moments I was given to show God's love? I don't say this to get sympathey or praise but rather the employ you to make a differenc in someone elses live just because you have listened to the holy spirit calling you or for those non believers, that "gut feeling" You could be changing someones life and not even know it. You never know where your simple act of kindness can go and how it may be passed on and change so many lives. How do I do this and why do I do this...I can do this because of the compassion I have learned through my life trials and why do I do this, because I know what it is like to be that person in need even just for a simple hug or kind word...it doesn't have to cost a dime!!! When I do this, that is when my son is living on through me...I get my strength, love, and understanding from my little monkey in heaven who still and will always live in my heart.
When I give part of my spirit to a person out of kindness, it is then that my son lives on and still changes lives...a 4.5 month old little boy has changed lives and yet he didn't speak, walk, or own a thing. Immagine what you can do...and if you choose to do something just based on reading this, George lives on through you too! It is amazing what love can do and how it can change the world! Reflect and consider all of this and see if you can find that place in your heart to share with others. If you ever feel compelled to share how you may have taken something from any of my postings, I would LOVE to hear from you...it just lets us know how much further our love and our son's love lives on through the world and changes it. May God be with you all today and always and you feel his love and show it through your own actions...this is not always easy but allow him to do his will and even mistakes will somehow be glorified or changed.
Until recently, I didn't realize that I was so angry with God and all the trials he has given us. We are good people who would give the shirt off our backs or our very last penny to a person in need. Growing up, I thought that being good was all it took to not have bad stuff happen and even a small part of me wants to believe that now. The thing is that God didn't promise that and so often he is using the trials for his own glory. I was angry that he did not save us from this pain and suffering...I've done what he has asked of me and been "good" and yet I hurt more the day he died.
The pain I talk about is such a deep rooted pain, down to the very core of my being. There were days I had wished I could have just curled up and died. I would lie in bed and just beg God to take the pain away and to help me through this to make it so I am able to find a way to glorify God through all of this because otherwise there is no purpose to all we are going through. It took me so long to want to do that through George's death but all along I have been trying to do that through the fundraisers, donations, random acts of kindness, and other things we have tried to do in George's memory. What I was really asking God was to allow me to do this not only on special days but every single day of my life.
I have come to realize that I can't wait for God to do this or help me do this for that matter but rather I know I need to take each day and live it for not only George but myself and my family included. George needs to live on through me and all that I do...I know he has but now I cannot count on others to help me through this because they can't. So often we have felt alone in this journey because so often when we did fundraisers or had a special thing in his memory not many people would respond or help us with it and so many times it came down to begging. His birthday really made this apparent to me when we asked people to tell us how George changed their lives or to even donate items for our stocking project and there were only a handful of people who did. This past week my niece had her 2nd birthday and I sat there thinking of how many friends and people my sister and her husband have in their lives as we went to my nieces second party and saw the gifts that where piled under the table from the day before. A part of me was jealous of this sort of love and support they had because so often I feel like we don't even have that when we are trying to do something good like our stocking project.
People so often misjudge us, not knowing our whole story, rather than embracing us for who we are all the way down to the worst part of who we are. Last night as Hugh and I discussed this, I said the same thing and as it came out of my mouth, I realized there is no one that will be able to ever do that except God. I spend my life worrying if I am doing things right or wrong by everyone elses standards worrying what they will think but not ever listening to that voice/gut feeling I know is God calling me to allow him to live through me and I live for him. He knows our story and loves us for our worst flaws and things that we do that are "good" will find a way of coming to fruition because he has placed them on my heart and I will do what I am called to no matter how much support there is and I will cherish those who do support us and love us no matter the number. This is hard for me but I have really prayed about it and plan to work on this part of myself. I know I have to just put my faith in God and do what he wants me to do rather than what I think others want or even what I want. My life is so far from what I wanted for myself and yet I would not change any of it because it made me who I am today and no matter what anyone thinks, I know I can stand before God today and be proud of who I am and what I have done.
I've come to find that the harder I try to listen to God the more opportunities I have had to be called to show love and support to someone else. Without George's death, I would not know how to connect with those who have had a significant loss in their lives and I know first hand how hard it is to find support and love because no one understands unless they have walked this path. We all grieve differently, myself included and there is no where for judgement from those who have not walked this path...we have a RIGHT to grieve how we need to...there is no map or directions on how to survive your child dying. This past year was not how I wanted to live but it has also taught me how NOT to live this new life. I needed this year of feeling lost because without it, I would not know what it is like to be found. Never will I be the same person I was before and at one point I yearned for that but now I am learning how to embrace the new me and the new life we lead. It isn't easy but I have to trust that God will provide what we NEED not what we want. God is using all of these trials to glorify him and also to show me he is here ALWAYS, especially when I feel so lost and alone.
I know I get tired of being the one there for so many others and when I need it or ask for it, it just isn't there or people are busy with so many other things. I'm sure that others judgement of us comes to play in some of this but I have come to realize that if God places things on my heart than he will make them happen. He will provide a way and support me no matter how I FEEL inside. Life is really all about perception because if it is real to that person in their mind(even if that is not truly how it is) than that is their truth and what they are working with in their life. So often we discount people's feelings and tell them that they shouldn't feel that way when in fact we are just denying them the ability to address their feelings so they can move forward. I've done so much work since George's birthday and so much personal reflection and really praying.
Since that time and now each day, I have been given some very great opportunities to show God's love to someone else by simple acts of kindness. It is about showing God's love and getting past our own hang ups in life. I don't need someone elses support to be kind and show love to others. The other day I paid for a mans bill at Walmart. He was in front of me and his card wouldn't work. He was not well dressed and you could tell that life had hit him hard and I could feel it in his spirit. This man was embarassed and fumbling to pay the bill. With that I just asked the cashier how much it was and I don't even know why I did because I was going to pay that bill no matter what it was that we had in our bank...I knew God ment for me to do that. This stranger to me just kept telling me no and I just swiped the card and told him to let me do it as my gift to him because I could not buy my son a birthday gift since he was in heaven and I wanted to do that for him. He just kept thanking me and I handed him a card I carry in my wallet that had George's info on it and asked him to pass along the gift when he could in whatever manner he could. I didn't need his thanks nor did I want it...I knew I was meant to do it.
Today I had to speak with a woman from the welfare building in order to do our yearly update. Yes we get public assistance and I am not hiding it...my husband works hard and just doesn't make enough money. He still pays taxes out of his paycheck and we contribute to the world in a way we are called to do. This woman was calling me to do her job and at the end of the conversation I just told her I needed to thank her for her job today. With that she told me how much she needed to hear that today. Every day she has to tell people how she can or cannot help them...they are in there often times in tears at their rope end. She hears stories like ours and yet can barely do things to help these people like us. People have such a horrible perception of those who need help...we aren't just living on the system and drug addicts, we are eveyday people who life has happened to. I'm not going to deny that there are people who take advantage of the system but most of them are people who life has tossed around and who are grasping for something or someone to care or who can help. This woman was not the person who was suppose to call me, that person got transfered today last minute and she was given her desk plus the work she already had! She was having such a bad day and something in my heart compelled me to just thank her.
Why did I post about these moments I was given to show God's love? I don't say this to get sympathey or praise but rather the employ you to make a differenc in someone elses live just because you have listened to the holy spirit calling you or for those non believers, that "gut feeling" You could be changing someones life and not even know it. You never know where your simple act of kindness can go and how it may be passed on and change so many lives. How do I do this and why do I do this...I can do this because of the compassion I have learned through my life trials and why do I do this, because I know what it is like to be that person in need even just for a simple hug or kind word...it doesn't have to cost a dime!!! When I do this, that is when my son is living on through me...I get my strength, love, and understanding from my little monkey in heaven who still and will always live in my heart.
When I give part of my spirit to a person out of kindness, it is then that my son lives on and still changes lives...a 4.5 month old little boy has changed lives and yet he didn't speak, walk, or own a thing. Immagine what you can do...and if you choose to do something just based on reading this, George lives on through you too! It is amazing what love can do and how it can change the world! Reflect and consider all of this and see if you can find that place in your heart to share with others. If you ever feel compelled to share how you may have taken something from any of my postings, I would LOVE to hear from you...it just lets us know how much further our love and our son's love lives on through the world and changes it. May God be with you all today and always and you feel his love and show it through your own actions...this is not always easy but allow him to do his will and even mistakes will somehow be glorified or changed.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Happy 3rd Birthday Little Monkey
Sunday was George's 3rd Birthday. It was such a hard day for me...probably the worst birthday since he died. I kept going back to the day he was born and could not get those images out of my head. The pain was so real and so deep in my heart that tears just rolled down my face throughout the day. We shouldn't be doing this...going to his grave and having cake without him here.
I had to sit back and think about why it was so hard this time around. Afer some contemplation, I realized it was because less and less people recognize it and celebrate it with us. Our confirmation was that morning but we invited people back to the house to have cake with us and very few people showed up. The only three people that were here, besides my parents and our little family, were my mother in law, sister Tara, and niece Talia. No one else came. We did have a few people send a card but most of them were strangers to our family. My one friend did send us an edible arrangement because she had the shingles. All in all, I have never felt more alone and my heart hurt more than ever but at least I know now why...Hugh and I have tried not to be disappointed in others but I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother us at all.
We have asked people to do a good deed in George's memory and I don't even know if anyone did or did not. I had asked people to leave a message on his page or on our facebook event page but no luck and yet more disappointment. It hurts enough to know you are celebrating the life of a dead baby but to think that people couldn't find a way to come and support us on such a horrible day. From now on I think I am not going to invite others and just opt to do something with our little family because the let down feeling is so hard to cope with. Even with our confirmation, only a few people showed up to the church for that too. It was very important for us all and I am glad we did it and knew we at least had people there from our church family and also also my mom, my uncle, Richard's father/father's wife, and Barbara(a woman we met through one of Joshua's fundraisers) Richard's big brother from grief camp had wanted to come but I didn't get his email asking for our address until Monday. My Aunt Cathy did email me.
My brother said to me "I figured it wouldn't be bad since you have already done it twice before." That very question was what made me really think about why it was harder and when I realized it was the total lack of support that we felt this time around. I also could not get the thoughts of how three years ago he was alive and I got to meet him for the first time. I'm hoping that this season of grief isn't as bad as last year because I thought last year was worse than the year before and the way this season is going, I am praying that it only get better from here not worse.
I've found myself throwing my pain into cleaning and things like that to keep busy instead of being sad. At the end of the day it doesn't really help but it does make it so I can get through the days at least. My next big goal is to begin work on myself inside and out. If Hugh and I want one more baby than I want to be in the best shape all the way around. I know it seems odd to even be talking about that but we both want our last child in the next two years. I've gained quite a bit of weight because of medications I've taken and now it is time to get rid of that part of it. Part of my feelings will hopefully be worked through during that time because I want to work on my mind and body.
Please pray for strength and understanding on our part...we want to not feel let down by other people. It is just so hard to watch as no one shows up for things that are special to us and yet they show up for things others in our family do. Often it feels like a slap in the face. When we went to the rainbows program, the people there couldn't believe this sort of thing but I told them that in general that this is my life. I am there for others and yet when I need it the most I am often let down and sometimes that hurts even more than anything. You would think that since this has been pretty much my whole life, I would be used to this by now but I just am not. As we move forward, I pray for myself and my own feelings of inadequacy that comes with this sort of thing and the strength to look beyond all of this and to work on myself as a whole person. Thank you in advance for your prayers. I'm not sure how much I will be updating the next few weeks since it is so much harder right now to sit down and write.
I had to sit back and think about why it was so hard this time around. Afer some contemplation, I realized it was because less and less people recognize it and celebrate it with us. Our confirmation was that morning but we invited people back to the house to have cake with us and very few people showed up. The only three people that were here, besides my parents and our little family, were my mother in law, sister Tara, and niece Talia. No one else came. We did have a few people send a card but most of them were strangers to our family. My one friend did send us an edible arrangement because she had the shingles. All in all, I have never felt more alone and my heart hurt more than ever but at least I know now why...Hugh and I have tried not to be disappointed in others but I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother us at all.
We have asked people to do a good deed in George's memory and I don't even know if anyone did or did not. I had asked people to leave a message on his page or on our facebook event page but no luck and yet more disappointment. It hurts enough to know you are celebrating the life of a dead baby but to think that people couldn't find a way to come and support us on such a horrible day. From now on I think I am not going to invite others and just opt to do something with our little family because the let down feeling is so hard to cope with. Even with our confirmation, only a few people showed up to the church for that too. It was very important for us all and I am glad we did it and knew we at least had people there from our church family and also also my mom, my uncle, Richard's father/father's wife, and Barbara(a woman we met through one of Joshua's fundraisers) Richard's big brother from grief camp had wanted to come but I didn't get his email asking for our address until Monday. My Aunt Cathy did email me.
My brother said to me "I figured it wouldn't be bad since you have already done it twice before." That very question was what made me really think about why it was harder and when I realized it was the total lack of support that we felt this time around. I also could not get the thoughts of how three years ago he was alive and I got to meet him for the first time. I'm hoping that this season of grief isn't as bad as last year because I thought last year was worse than the year before and the way this season is going, I am praying that it only get better from here not worse.
I've found myself throwing my pain into cleaning and things like that to keep busy instead of being sad. At the end of the day it doesn't really help but it does make it so I can get through the days at least. My next big goal is to begin work on myself inside and out. If Hugh and I want one more baby than I want to be in the best shape all the way around. I know it seems odd to even be talking about that but we both want our last child in the next two years. I've gained quite a bit of weight because of medications I've taken and now it is time to get rid of that part of it. Part of my feelings will hopefully be worked through during that time because I want to work on my mind and body.
Please pray for strength and understanding on our part...we want to not feel let down by other people. It is just so hard to watch as no one shows up for things that are special to us and yet they show up for things others in our family do. Often it feels like a slap in the face. When we went to the rainbows program, the people there couldn't believe this sort of thing but I told them that in general that this is my life. I am there for others and yet when I need it the most I am often let down and sometimes that hurts even more than anything. You would think that since this has been pretty much my whole life, I would be used to this by now but I just am not. As we move forward, I pray for myself and my own feelings of inadequacy that comes with this sort of thing and the strength to look beyond all of this and to work on myself as a whole person. Thank you in advance for your prayers. I'm not sure how much I will be updating the next few weeks since it is so much harder right now to sit down and write.
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Me With My Prince Charming In Front of the Castle
