Hard Day

Today was a very difficult day emotionally for me. Majority of the day I was either crying or close to crying and dispite my best efforts, I just couldn't get past my feelings of loss. My heart just feels so empty and it just hurts so bad at times I just need to be left alone and on my own. That of course is not always possible with having kids, a husband, and family, actually it is impossible.

A lot of my emotions are running high because the sad realization of this all just sinks in very hard. I'm so sad that my life is like this and it hurts to know it will never ever be the same again. I've always had a challenging life. Ever single time I think I have it together something terrible happens. I don't understand it all and just keep asking God why in the world does he keep doing this to me. Just when I think it can't get worse it does. Nothing could be worse then loosing my son but then the general circumstances of life happen and add to the pain.

My sister is having a baby and happens to be due right around George's birthday. I'm so happy for her but am sad at the same time. I feel horrible because it is suppose to be a happy time but everyone worries about me and hurting my feelings. It is going to hurt no matter what happens and that is the sucky part. It should be a happy time for her and her husband but instead it is only somewhat happy due to George dying. I feel bad about it all but I know she understands but htis all just adds to the emotions that come with the loss of a child.

Yesterday she found out she was having a girl. I'm happy for her since I know she really wanted a girl. She felt bad telling me because she knows Hugh and I have always wanted a girl but have not been blessed with one. I was happy for her dispite my sadness for myself and the dream I had for myself and my life. I didn't grieve the fact that she was having a girl but rather the loss of my own dreams and how far I have come from where I thought I would be in my life and just wanted to know why life has always been so hard for me.

We had gone to my mom's house and she showed me her ultrasound pictures. It was so great to see them but also made me think of mine from George and how happy I was. Later on that night my aunt had come to visit and my mom had said something to her about my necklace. I showed it to her but somewhere in all of it, I just realized that this was all I would ever have to show for my son. We have his pictures but they are never going to be new and all I am left with are ashes in a necklace while everyone else will have more then that with their children. My sister will eventually fill a book with pictures. People wont' be akward or sad to look at them like they are when they look at George's pictures. The very thought of it is all so emotional.

I am greatful for the things I have, don't get me wrong. There is just a point that you get to sometimes when you ask why? When is it all enough? Many times I have told Hugh he needs to leave me because I am just bad luck. His life was so much simpler when he didn't know me. For whatever reason, I have a preverbial black cloud following me around. He of course knows I am kidding but all of the challenges in my life, this being the biggest, make it difficult to get through the day sometimes. Today was one of those days.

I know a lot of what I am feeling is normal and I have to go through all of this but it stinks. In general, I think I am just impatient with the grief process. I just want this pain to subside and it won't. Sometimes it is worse and other times it is tollerable. I find writing is theraputic for me and also just being alone with my thoughts at times. It is there in the silence that I can pray and ask for guidance. I can also cry and be mad and not feel as if I have to have it together all the time or for someone else. That pretend smile does not have to be plastered on and I can just be me. I think having cleaned out George's room this week coupled with all the other emotional components, today was just my day to have it all hit at once. In general, I think that is how it is going to be. You seem to have it together for a while and then wham...it hits you.

Michael, believe it or not has been my saving grace. Joshua and Richard are off doing their own thing most of the time and usually at my mom's house. Michael is here because he is a homebody. Right now we are spending a lot of time together. For whatever reason, he knows just when I need a hug or kiss. He has become a big mommy's boy lately, and that is strange for him. Michael has always been a daddy's boy from the moment he took his first breath. I don't know if it was because I was knocked out for his birth and it took us longer to connect or if it is just his general disposition. Lately, he has just wanted me to do things with him, including getting him on the bus and playing with him. Today he went shopping with me and it was nice to be out and let him participate in it all and get away from the house and saddness for awhile.

We went shopping for some sheets for both Josh and Michael. A few days ago, Joshua asked to move his stuff into George's room. We had began to clean it out and Josh wanted to move in there to be close to him. Part of it made me sad but also happy. He said that he missed his Georgie and wanted to sleep in his room. That started us on our quest to redecorate the room. We have opted to begin changing their things over to organic materials. After a lot of research we feel it is going to be the best decision for them since most of the things our society uses are toxic to cells and with the boys already having cell dysfuncion, we have opted to try and reduce as much of it as possible. They are so excited to have new things and Michael had a great time shopping to look for things.

We are looking to do their room with dinosaurs. Michael loves them!!! The main idea came from our trip to Disney. It was our first and last trip with George. While we were there, each of the boys got a stuffed Build a Dino from TRex. When we were cleaning George's room out we saw his dinosaur which was in his bed the day he died and felt that it would be fitting to bring him into part of the room since it is his bedroom too. It is a way to let it be the boys room but still George's room and encorporate a happy time in our lives. I think that is kind of how things will be from now on. We will now have to think of a way to keep going forward but also still keep his memory alive.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Rain

It has now been 11 weeks since my little boy earned his wings...I find it sad that I count the weeks that he has died rather then the weeks of his life. There is not much anyone can do about this, it is just the natural process of losing a child and trying to find a way to cope with it. It is very similar to having a child though... while you are pregnant you count the weeks, you count the months when they are born, and then once they hit a year, you begin to count the years. It is very ironic how close life and death are from one another.

Today I sat her with my sister and talked and cried. She just kept saying that she couldn't immagine this whole thing and how we feel since she knows how bad she feels. So many people have told us over and over again that they just don't know how we do it and can't immagine the pain. As I was taking a shower I realized a way to explain it to people, at least the whole grieving parent thing.

It is as if you are in a car and it starts to rain. The car you are driving is on its last leg when all of a sudden it starts to pour out of now where on a bright sunny day. The windshield wipers don't work well, your tires are lucky to be touching the pavement, and the clouds ahead are as dark as night with what seems like no end in sight, and the rain keeps coming. There are lots of other cars on the road but they are in better shape then yours and are not having as much difficulty getting through the sudden down pour like you are in your vehicle.

For me the other cars that are not as broken down are those who have experienced the road of grief but not as a parent. Everyone can understand and see the guy in the beat up car but there is nothing they can do for him as he makes his way slowly down the road. As the driver(the bereaved parent) you know you have to go slow and keep praying that you make it through the storm alive! You no longer worry about that meeting you were headed to, you just want to get out of the storm. Not everyone has ever driven one of these broken down cars so although they can understand what it is like to have your car in the shop, they don't know the craziness of having to constantly drive a car on its last leg.

To me the car itself(not the state of the car) represents faith. Dispite the circumstances of my car, it is protecting me from the sudden down pour that I did not expect( I had even checked the weather before I left the house! just like all parents try to protect their children.). The car will eventually get me from point A to point B even though it may not be the way I had anticipated it. Some people may break down along the way and may need help where others in these cars make it dispite the odds. Many of us driving a broken car look at the rain and are thankful for the very car we do have for our mind wanders to those who don't have a car at all(those who have not found faith) and are unsheltered in the terrible weather. They are soaked and overwhelmed when this sort of weather takes place. The wet clothes make their walk alone in the pouring rain almost impossible to get through. Sometimes they will be picked up along the way and others will have to keep walking alone in the the rain.

We also know that it cannot rain forever and that eventually the rain will stop and make way for the sun even if it does not clear up completely. Just as rain does, it varies in intensity the entire time. A grieving parent goes through ups and downs. There are moments in the storm where it pours and then there are slight drizzles, and then there are moments where it doesn't rain but the sun is not out.

Many times a down pour will bring you to think of places like Hawii where it is beautiful and sunny and what you would give to be there. That is the very thought of how you feel others have it better and wish that your life could just be different so you don't have to feel the pain(weather the storm). The thing we all forget in those moments is that Hawii gets hurricans and has it's own set of problems(everyone has their own troubles that make their lives difficult)

Eventually you come back to realize that the storm is coming to an end and that the sun does shine.The broken down car you drove got you through the storm. You will never be able to upgrade your car but you can still get a tune up and put on new wipers and tires. A person who has lost their child will never be the same again but will find a way to make it through this to live the "new normal" that they will forever have to live. I think that our perception on life and faith changes but now that we have the experience we are wiser or just have learned to work through our grief to be able to handle the road we are traveling on.(just like a more experienced drive is vs a new driver)

I have no intention of getting out to walk, but rather seek refuge in my car even if it happens to stall for a moment or two or feel as if it may. My faith is strong. There are times I am mad at God and ask why which seem very overwhelming at times. I don't question my faith but have found it difficult at time to wrap my head around it all. I know deep inside that my faith is my refuge and God will see me through.

This analogy is only my way of trying to help people understand something that is so very difficult to understand unless they have walked the road that we now walk. I think that jsut about everyone knows what it is like to drive a car so it is something that would have a greater understanding then the actual loss of a child. We will eventually get through this storm. There is a song called Bring on the Rain that is listed on here and that is how I feel so many times. I pray to God all the time for him to see us through this especially when it is pouring outside.

Tears

So many times I wonder when will the tears ever end? I know the answer is never...but keep praying for an end to this sort of pain. The sad part is I know I will carry this pain for the rest of my life...yes it will change but it will never go away. My heart has never been heavier then what it was today. We began to clean out George's room today. I had bagged up his things and that was hard to do but now they are offically not in our house anymore. We took those and his crib to my mom's house until my sister decides if she wants to use his things or we find them another home. It is the hardest thing to ever have to do.

In a way it is even harder then the day he died. I think sometimes the aftermath is worse then the actual event. The memories haunt you and the pain is all to real. When it is happening, you are in a state of shock so it never really sinks in or hurts like it does weeks later. All of the insanity of the events is over and you are left with your own thoughts and heavy heart trying to figure out how to move forward from such a terrible and unexpected tradgedy. Most of the day today I just prayed to God asking him to help me through this because although I knew I had to do it, I knew I could not do it alone.

It was such a big day altogether. Michael went to school for his first day. We thought he would be fine and no snags since all he could talk about for the past few weeks was going to school. This morning came and he cried saying he didn't want to go. For Hugh and I it was hard enough knowing that there was no one else coming up in the ranks to get on the school bus and our heart just ached knowing that George was gone and Michael was growing up. To hear him cry and say he didn't want to go was just torture.

I'm sure that it is kind of how God must feel when we go through trails in life. It has got to be much like a child must feel their first day of school. Many of us don't remember that day since we were all quite young. You don't know what to expect and everything you are comfortable with and use to is changed forever. God, like a parent, knows that you must move forward and take this step no matter how much you cry and want to not do it. It rips your heart out to hear them cry and see them afraid, yet you know you must get them on that bus so that they can grow and become the people they are meant to be. You can't really prepare children since they don't really get the concept but you know after they have done it they will be ok even if they cry for a while after.

I think I am now at the point where I am crying still. For the very first time it really hit me that my little boy was gone. I came across the pictures from the hospital where we were holding after he had earned his wings. The memories came flooding back and for the first time it was all real. I held his lock of hair and looked at his baptism certificate and foot prints that were all done after he died. His crib was taken down at that point and I realized that I would never lay another child in his crib and the very thought of that just saddened me. I remember holding him that day and for the first time the fact that he died just overwhelmed me and reality just set in. I miss him so much.

Hugh and I are both still haunted by the events of that day. Certain things will trigger panic attacks still. Last night I had a horrible dream where I found Joshua dead and in my dream, I thought Oh, my God, not again, I can't do this again! I woke up with my heart racing and had a horrible time going back to sleep. Even when I did and I woke in the morning my heart was still in my throat. Ironically, even in my dream, I kept thinking of Job and how he lost everything and although I feel like I have lost everything, in reality I have not and I am so greatful for the things I have. That does not change the sheer fact that the panic attacks are still going to be there and that I have to find a way to live with this weight now in my heart and the bad memories in my mind.

Hugh is out tonight at his friends house. He had planned this for a while so there was no way I could even ask him to stay home tonight. Emotinally, I kind of needed him here but I know he needs his time away too. It is time for me to just pray and try to find an inner peace that I have been seeking since George left us. I know he is here in my heart but it does not help the fact that my arms are empty and yearn to hold him still. He was so beautiful, and I look at pictures and cry remembering how happy he made me and how we had a special connection.

There are moments that I get those moments of peace when I get some sign that he is ok. Today, after I had a really good cry looking at those pictures, I continued to go through his room. I came across his diaper bag and started to clean it out. Well, I went through every pocked and cried over the toys hanging off the side which were the last thing I took off. Once again I went through the pockets to make sure I didn't miss anything before I put it in the bag of things to go to the church for the rummage sale. I had thought everything was out and as I looked in I saw a penny heads up in the bottom of the bag. Anyone who knows our family, knows that it was my grandmom's thing. To me it was her way of letting me know that he was ok and was with her. It may sound odd or stupid but I found some sort of comfort in that. It was like the dream I had the other day with George in it. I was holding him again but it was different then any dream before, he was letting me knwo he was ok and that I would hold him again someday.

I know that each day will hold its own challenges but I am so greatful for my faith because I cannot immagine going through this witout it. I feel sorry for those who do not have faith and walk this road because I cannot immagine it completely alone. Even though many times I feel very alone, I know that Christ is walking with me so deep inside I don't feel so alone. People who don't have faith must really have a very difficult time finding peace and a way to move forward after something like this happens to them. I have actually added those people to my prayers at night because I cannot fathom the pain they must feel.

Tears streem from my eyes because I hurt inside but I also cry tears of joy knowing my baby has eternal life. I cannot think of a greater gift and I would not want to take that from him. He never knew the pain of this world like so many of us do. I would never want him to have the pain that I now carry and I would endure this pain a million times over if it meant that none of my children or loved ones/friends had to ever endure this. I especially would not want this for him and I know that the day he died, the only thing he ever knew was love and what a great thing that is, he went from know is heartly family's love to know his heavenly family's love and never knew true sorrow or pain and I would not take that from him to just be selfish and have him back for myself.

Foundation

Today has been a very rough day emotionally. Hugh and I are doing spring cleaning since our church is having their rummage sale this coming weekend. Both of us know we cannot keep George's things forever. Together we have decided what we will keep of his and what we will donate to the church. We cannot sell it or just give it away to some charity we have no connection with for many emotional reasons. This is probably the hardest thing anyone will ever have to do in their lives. Before we chose to keep things, I prayed that God would be with us as we made these decisions because at no point will it be easy or a better time to do it.

My sister is having a baby and we have offered her some of his things including his crib and changing table. We do not expect anyone to take these things but would rather offer them to someone we know to use since they have so much meaning to us. Both of us have agreed that we have to both be able to get rid of or keep something or it doesn't happen either way. My sister is prayerfully contemplating if she can handle using his things and both Hugh and I are greatful for this but also understand if she cannot. We knew that using his things would be difficult for anyone if they knew that a baby who had earned their wings happend to use them first. There is just some sort of stigma with things coming from those who have gone on before us. I remember when a friend of ours gave us their car and told us that their daughter who had died had been brought home in it and it was the only ride that she ever took in it. For whatever reason it had more meaning to Hugh and I knowing this but then again we never knew the child personally but now understnad th meaning behind them not wanting to just get rid of it or give it to just some random person.

We are trying to begin our "new" life and doing all of this is sort of a way to start over. The whole process is very difficult and only those who have been down this road before truly understand the magnitude of this path and the decisions. No one could fathom this sort of path in life becase I know that I never could and prayed that I never would have to. Somewhere along the road God had chosen us for this path and I can say that we are not angry and not mad and understand that he knew we could walk the road without being robbed along the way of our faith.

I've sat here thinking of how my grandmother use to say that God closes a door and opens a window. In some ways I think that it is wrong. I kept thinking of the passage that we chose for the baby's service. It talked about going before us to prepare a home for us in heaven. That made me think of the actual physical structure of a house and I belive that our lives here are more like the foundation of a house. Each trail in life is more like a brick that we are given to build the foundation of our home. Here, there are all sorts of foundations and materials used to create them. Some will crack under pressure and yet others will stand strong all depending on the materials used and stress placed on them.

I believe that God his the contractor in our lives who has the plans for the house and knows what will be needed to hold the house he has in mind. None of us know what he has in store for us when we get to heaven and how grand of a home it will be. I would trust a contractor who builds homes for a living to make the decisions as to the type of foundation needed and we all need to do so with our eternal life. Just as the building process of a foundation is temporary and short, our lives here are the same and are preparing us for eternity or for the rest of our home. Holding that home is not going to be an easy task but God helps us to create our foundation so that once the home is built we can enjoy it to the fullest and not worry about the structure.

I thought about this difference because closing something just seemed so final and I know that my son is still here with me and so are all those who have gone on before me. Even though his life has ended his life still continues to build strength in so many people. God has given each of us a brick from the same lot number, George's lot, and we are each placing it in a different place that we need it in our lives to build our foundation. We are all creating our home to be able to live in God's kingdom. God knew that this struggle and this brick for our foundation would not crack under the pressure and that our faith would not waiver unlike others who may do that if presented with this challenge in their lives. I don't know if this perception makes sense to anyone else but God is building my foundation and George is preparing my home in heaven. Our road in life leads to that home and it is winding but never are we along because Christ is walking with us while God is the contractor completing our foundation.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today I turned 31 years old. I remember when I thought that was old...hah...boy you can tell I have gotten older. There was nothing special or bad per say about the whole day. I did get to sleep in and got waffles for breakfast from the boys. Each of the boys had made me a card. It was a little hard for me since they had used the paper that I used for the photo boards at George's service. They didn't know it but I did and almost started to cry.

After they got bored of being with me they headed upstairs and I got to take a nap for the first time in a long time. I really needed it...I have felt so tired and physically drained as much as emotionally drained. I could probably sleep a week away or stay in bed for a week and not think twice.

I woke up around lunch time and we took the boys out to Chick Fil A for lunch. They have been wanting to go there to go on their slide. I figured it was a way to get them out at least a little to have some fun. They had a blast but we had to call it a day when both Josh and Michael were physically exhausted but kept pushing themselves to play. We will have to do it again in the near future.

I had wanted to go and get plants for the memorial garden but we just never did get to do that. We went home and I played a few games online with Michael and watched TV with Richard. Then I had to get ready to go to the funeral for the friend of mine from grade school.

The funeral was nice. I hugged her mom and told her that I was thinking of her and she told me how I had helped her to find comfort the past few days. I hadn't thought anything about that honestly, it is just who I am. For me it was one mom reaching out to another who had just lost her child, no matter the age, no parent should lose their child!

Once I got home I went to my mom's house. She gave me some pictures she had blown up of our recent balloon release and my little man and I together in Disney. She also gave me a statue that had belonged to my grandmother. It was a Lenox piece of Jesus holding a child. I just cried. My brother gave me a beautiful card and so did his girlfriend. Shy of that there was no huge celebration of any kind or special dinner and we had cupcakes at our own leisure. I know I was just not in the mood to celebrate.

Josh is spending the night at my mom's again. He is getting so big. All of them are getting big and I think without George here, it is very obvioius. Hugh and I both feel so very lost without a little one around. We love the big boys but life just feels so empty without a baby around here. That was quite apparent when Josh decided he was going to make Michael the baby. I found him trying to diaper and feed Michael. Michael pretended to cry and found one of George's old pacifiers. I didn't know if I should cry or just smile. When I asked them what they were doing, Josh just looked at me and told me he missed George and needed a new baby so he made Michael be a baby. My heart sank to my stomach from the emotions I felt hearing those words come from his mouth.

I think that tomorrow we are taking a break from church. I have a rehearsal for something that I am involved in and that will beee part of the afternoon along with a friend is stopping by. I think I have just needed a break from everything as the true magnitutde of our loss is really beginning to sink in. It isn't like it wasn't real before but we are several weeks out and it is just so quite apparent that he will never come back and now we are left to sort out how to move on with life. Every night I go to sleep I pray that God will give me the strenghth to be able to do this.

Right now I know that we are doing what we need to no matter how hard it is or even if it makes no sense to anyone else. I've been listening to a lot of music. Christian music just touches my soul and I find much healing in that. I've also found some solice in having my pendant with his ashes in it on my neck. It is just heavy enough for me to know it is there and is kind of like when he use to sit under my chin. It isn't the same but it makes me think of those moments and I find comfort in that. I miss him so much!

7 Months Old

Today my sweet baby would have been seven months old. Of course it had to fall on a Friday and the day before my birthday. I had a good morning only to secumb to the sadness that has filled my heart because I miss him so much. Birthdays for me have never really been good occassions for many reasons but this one is just going to really be hard for me. I would honestly like to sleep through the entire day if that were at all possible. The anxiety of the phone ringing with Birthday wishes is just torture for me. I know the kids like birthdays so I went out today and bought some cupcakes for the occassion but shy of that I am honestly greatful that I will be going to my friends funeral tomorrow night.

This morning I went and stopped by her best friends house with a gift for her mom, the friend, and he boy friend. My heart aches for them all since I know the terrible pain that her loss has brought to their lives. I had gone to Hallmark to get them each a sympathy card. In my search for the right card, I happened to find these "legacy boxes" It is a keepsake box with lots of compartments for lots of things and they happened to just have 3 of them. I knew I had to get them and I wanted to give them to them before the service in case they wanted to use any of it for the service itself. I know the pain that comes with this loss so I wanted to do what I could to make it a little easier or at least let them know I understand and feel for them.

Yesterday we did go and get our necklaces filled at the funeral home. We took them to the jewler who soldered them closed and then went to Sears to get a necklace for them. I was going to wait to get one but just felt the need to go and get one for myself as a birthday gift to myself. I got a simple necklace but I like the fact that it is adjustable to different lenghts. Hugh's is nice too and fits the design of his cross.

I've had a lot of ups and downs lately. Going from totally fine to really bad in the blink of an eye for no apparent reason. Most of the time I wish that I had more time with him and had held him longer. I'm angry with myself for not forgetting about the house and clothing and spending that time with him. I had spent the last few weeks of his life trying to cram 40 hours of work in between doctors appointments, paying bills, doing laundry, cooking, and all the other daunting tasks that my life entails. That week had been so cramed because Hugh's mom had asked him to take her to Atlantic City and I had to make up the hours and tried juggling things and had not spent as much time with him that I normally had. It breaks my heart to think that was the last week I spent with him. That day I only held him that night because I was busy trying to make Hugh's birthday just rihgt and finish the hours so I could spend time with my little man on the weekend. He never made it to the weekend and I never finished those hours for work.

I'm greatful that I went in and picked him up that night. I took a shower and came out to find him crying. It always tugged at my heart to hear him cry and I was so upset with the time I had lost with him throughout the week I had given in and went to go get him. Hugh gave me dirty look, thinking that he would never go back to sleep. I didn't care, I wanted to hold my baby and I picked him up and played with him. I can still remember that smile on his face and hear his laugh in my head. I remember walking into his room thinking that if I didn't pick him up and play with him and something happened that I would regret it for the rest of my life. Little did I know that that was exactly what it was. Those were my last moments with my little boy and my heart hurts so bad knowing I will never have them back.

I don't know how to find joy in things like holidays and birthdays. God knows I don't know if I ever will find in them what I use to. There will never be pictures with him in them ever again and my future moments will never have him in them and that is just a huge weight on my heart. I still smile and I still laugh but not in the same manner as before. My life has forever changed and I just don't know how to live this life yet. It is so hard to make it through the day sometimes.

My heart aches for my friends mom, knowing the pain she is carrying all to well. I found some solice in going to drop off the gifts and talking to her best friend. Their pain is so great and I know it on such a personal level although the years have lead the two of us down different paths. Her service is tomorrow night and I have every intention of going even though I have not seen her since high school.

Tomorrow is going to be a rough day for me but I guess that is going to be more the norm than not. I keep praying and asking for strength and the ability to do this. I find at times it is more frequent especially when I see babies in the stores or watch friends and family bring new babies into the world. I am happy for them and sad for me all wrapped into one and sometimes just don't know how to handle those mixed feelings. I pray that as times goes on it gets somewhat easier but I guess I have to also prepare myself that it may not. one moment at a time...one moment at a time...that is what I keep telling myself. I can do this...God please give me strength and carry me when I need it for I know I cannot do this alone; you are with me always.

When God Comes Calling

You Will See Them Someday
© Stephan Banks
when you lose someone it can be hard to take
the pain that you feel when your heart has to break
the memories you keep are all in your mind
as you search your soul for more to find
the way their skin felt the smell of their hair
as you keep thinking over and shedding a tear
the years may pass, memories fade to grey
but your getting no younger you'll see them someday
unconditional love is never forgotten
look deep in your heart it is there at the bottom
alone in the dark sometimes in fear
voices from loved ones your hoping to hear
more years pass, they soon fly by
but your always looked upon from those in the sky
surrounded by clouds and pure white doves
they listen and watch sending you love
just remember one thing as you sit and you pray
they will be there to greet you, you will see them someday.

Source: Death of Nan and Granddad, Family Death Poems http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/death/poetry.asp?poem=22661#ixzz0kMQo2C8p

Recently a girl that I went to school with died. It was two days ago and I just got the confirmation that it was her today. The news made me think of her mother who is coming in from Kentucky to plan her service. I know the pain she feels in her heart all to well. There has been so many deaths of close family and friends lately. The very thought of all those we have lost over the past two years just makes my head spin.

The deaths of so many surely make you contemplate your own mortality. I was pretty close with this girl in grade school. I had spent the night at her house a couple of times. At one of the sleep overs she swore I broke her lamp...to this day I don't remember doing it but she would always joke with me about it. When I think fo her I think of the 20's day we had at our school. She was dressed up in a flapper costume dancing her heart out with a huge smile on her face and that is what I think of when I remember her. As time went on we went our seperate ways and by the end of high school we were just aquantances. I don't know what her family plans to do for a service but I plan to attend if it is open to non family members.

This week in general has just been a very bad week. Today Hugh had a very bad day. George's loss has hit him extremely hard. He had to get a tooth pulled again. When they asked him why he hadn't gotten it fixed he told them the baby died and it just was not on the list of priorities. They all felt sorry for him and the very thought of it overwhelmed him. He got out of the shower today and just started crying because he misses him. The pain is just so overwhelming right now and I can't even explain why.

Part of it all is that the reality of it is just now sinking in. Finalized paperwork is in our hands, the first holiday without him, and an empty bedroom are all reminders that we did have this perfect little boy in our lives. It was not just a dream, it is now just a nightmare that we will live for the rest of our lives. I emailed a friend of the girl that recently died and told her that there will be lots of people around in the beginning but it is times like these when there is no one and it is just a feeling of lonliness. The calls stop, the dinners stop, and you get random phone calls here and there but you just find that they are all superficial.

For Hugh this is harder because he just has me and the boys right now. I remember calling people pleading with them to come over when George first died to be there for Hugh. He has been holding it together and just trudging through the days and feeling as if he has to be the tough guy. I think today he realized that he can't do that forever. A few days ago he just broke down crying when I asked him how he is dealing with this all. He cried and we talked about how much we hurt and how horrible this whole thing is. Later that evening, he thanked me saying that no one had asked him what his thoughts were and he had gone through that day and how he was handling it. People ask you how you are but they don't really want the horrific details of the day. The very details that will forever haunt you for the rest of your life and you just know you will never be able to forget.

We have both found it an akward situation when people ask how many children we have. Instinctively we say four but then it is always met with a wierd look and then you have to go into detail. Or you have a picture and someone says how beautiful of a family and ask how old they all are. That is when it gets odd...we have not yet learned to handle these situations yet.

Today we got our jewlery in. Both Hugh and I wanted a piece of jewlery that we could put some of George's ashes in. We have been waiting weeks for them and now have to take them back to the funeral home to have them fill them. There is a jewler who is going to solder them closed for us. We both find peace knowing we can carry with us wherever we go. Hugh got a cross and I got a heart with baby feet on them. The next thing we have to do is get a good chain for each of us to put it on. Right now they are on those satin cords until we can get the money together to get a nice one for each of us. I'm so greatful I got it before my birthday which is this Saturday. I am not looking forward to it at all but it was sort of my gift to myself, a piece of my little boy.

I pray to God every night that he gives me the strength to get through every day. On the hard days I pray a whole lot more frequent then normal. We both know that we cannot get through this on our own and have to put our faith in God to get us through. When the moments come and our hearts are so heavy all we can do is cry, that is when we know he is beside us embracing us so we can pull it together to take another stepin the life we are left here to lead.

We know that we have a job still to do and find confirmation of that every day. Not only do we still have children, but we have a job in terms of awareness. I just got a phone call with a confirmation of date and time for the in service we are going to do in June. It is sad that is has to be this to bring about awareness but I am greatful to use the opportunity to do such. It would be a waste of his life to not do anything about it. Even if he never had the disease at all, their lack of response and knowledge about the disease is crucial for his brothers who do have the diagnosis. It is also important for those who will wind up in there without knowing they have it.

I came across this web page today about a man who lost his son to suicide. He has taken it as his mission in life to support others who are grieving. He believes God called him to this and some of his insight was just so meaningful and inspirational. Some of the words just touched my heart and helped to know that we are not alone and God is with us. If you have time take a moment to look at it, I am sure you will find solice in it dispite the person it is that you have lost in your life. http://www.markcanforaministries.com/

I pray for all of those who have lost children and those who will do so in the future. The pain is terrible and beyond comprehenssion. May God hold you in his arms and carry through the trials he has set in your path to create his ultimate plan. If we did not know suffering would we really know love? If we did not know pain would we really know joy? You find more appreciation for the good parts of life after walking through the difficult parts. God will never put us through anything he is not willing to see us through and I truly believe that.