Will there ever be a day without sadness?
Will there ever be a day that I don't want to cry?
Will there ever be a day when I will be able to look at your picture and smile rather then be sad?
Will there ever be a day that the immages of that terrible day will leave my mind?
Will there ever be a day that seeing a monkey somewhere doesn't make me sad knowing I would have bought it for you?
Will there ever be a day when I don't feel as if part of me is missing?
Will there ever be a day that looking at other babies that are the age you would have been not make my heart feel so heavy?
Will there ever be a day when holidays and big life events don't feel incomplete?
Will there ever be a day where heavy footsteps don't send me into a panic attack?
Will there ever be a day when I won't worry that I will wake up again and be living the nightmare all over again with one of your brothers?
Will there ever be a day when I ever get over the fact that I always knew you would leave before I would?
Will there ever be a day when the memory of your birth does not make me think of your death?
I don't really know the answers to any of those questions but I do now I will be with you again someday and no matter how much pain I live with the rest of my life, it will not compare to the the joy I will have the day we are brought together again.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Greater Plans
I don't know how many of you ever anticipated your lives to be what they currently are. Are they better then you ever thought or worse? Dispite if you thing it is worse or better I am sure that it is not exactly what you had anticipated. That is the same thing that I think every single time I look at my life. Sometimes it was from decisions of my own and others I just had no control over.
I have really thought about this a lot lately due to the same question that we all have at some point in our lives...Why? I've been very upset with how things have gone in my life, especially the things that I have no control over. Yes,I had control over dating my exhusband but I never anticipated him being arrested and going to prison that eventually lead to divorce. I never wanted that for myself or my son. My heart broke and still carries much animocity due to the shattered dreams he left in my life. You can move forward and put yourself aside but that does not fix the wake of distruction that was left behind. All I ever wanted was to get married, be a mom, and live happily ever after. No one ever mentioned the fact that farytales don't exist in real life.
Then I finally got out of a horrible situation that I never wanted for my life and decided I needed to get back on track. That is when I met Hugh. He taught me that I deserved more in my life and that I had to love myself before I could love someone else. I have to want the person in my life, not need them. In many ways we both grew up a lot during the beginning part of our relationship. For so many reasons I am greatful for that very fact. I remember at that time it was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life but knew it all had to be done. Through all of it I learned independence and the fact that I can stand on my own two feet and be a strong person and yet still not walk all over people and how to put my child's needs before my own.
The house we had bought together was just a nightmare. I lost my job shortly after we had bought it which posed it's own set of obstacles. That was the first time I was ever let go from a job and I was devistated. The house required tons of work we didn't anticipate having to do. There was tons of money we did not have but had to find a way to get. Even when we were at a big low, there were still people willing to take advantage of us and screw us over for their benefit. That was also our first experience of needing to ask for help and also finding out who was really there for us in the end. It was a daunting task that lasted months more then we ever had expected.
During that time we got married and found we were pregnant with Joshua. Even after the whole divorce and house issue I felt that we were finally on track yet again. We had overcome all those obstacles that no one else we ever knew had to do what we had to do. Life was going just as it should or at least that is what we thought. Joshua was born and life couldn't have been any better. Things weren't perfect but they were surely managable. A few months after he was born our world was turned upside down when he had is first seizure. That sent us on this journey that we never expected to be going though.
We got criticism from friends and family who just didn't understand the situation we were in. They had never experienced the feelings and thought we were making bad decisions. That taught me to never judge someone because I don't know how and where they have been. That is also when I learned to trust my own instincts and that I can't make everyone else happy because that is not possible. I also began the path to learn that God will give me the guidance and let me know what and when things are right. Yet again we had no money and had to rely on others to help us get Joshua the medical care he needed. That is such a humbling experience. Hugh worked his butt off at two full time jobs and yet still we had pleanty of unhappy people around us but knew this is what we needed to do.
Then Michael came along. He brought his own set of obstacles to our lives. He always made me question myself. It was hard to hug him since from a young age he was not very affectionate. He had pretty nasty tummy issues and was always doing things I just didn't understand. Most of this was explained when we suspected him having the same disorder Joshua had but he was the healthy one...no seizures...did the stuff he was suppose to do. I just didn't understand it all.
I then went and got my certification for coding so that I could help out with the payment of bills. Finally people began to forgive me for not going to college now that I had a certification in something. I could always tell people were disappointed in me and it made me realize how I did not want to treat others. Their expectations for my life were more then I had ever wanted for myself. I just never saw myself the way they did and in many reguards still don't.
One thing I have learned though this all is that it doesn't matter what someone else wanted for me or even what I wanted for myself, it is what God wants for me. Many times I have sat there wondering what in the world he is thinking. I was the kid that hated doctors growing up. I hid under the table and called the doctor a quack. When I went to the orthopedic for my crazy hips, I screamed and cried and never let him near me. Now I am going to be in a room full of medical staff teaching them about the very disease that my children live with every day and the one that took my little boys life. Never would I have chosen that for myself but yet I feel the need to do it.
I look at my little boy's picture not understanding why God took him from me but I know he had a greater purpose. It doesn't make the pain any less and I hurt every single day that I am appart from him. I feel compelled to do right by him and keep his memory alive and thriving rather then letting it die with him. If I just sat back and felt sorry for myself because of all my life trials, I should have just laid down with him and died that day. I am better then that because God gives me the strength to take another breath and fulfill a much greater purpose. His greater plan.
It still amazes me to look at other people that I knew growning up who I always thought were better then I was. They all had much more potential and it was apparent that others thought that too. I envied them for so many things and wished I could be like them. Now, I look at those same people and realize their individual weeknesses and am greatful that God does have unanswered prayers.
I still don't understand why he took my little boy as I prayed over him when he was handed to me. I remember crying out asking him to please fix him and give him back to me as I watched the hospital staff working on him doing chest compressions and placing lines. In the back of my mind God had already told me his job was done but mine wasn't. I don't understand that unanswered prayer but I know it is all part of that greater plan somehow someway.
I feel so overwhelmed and taken back that he would choose me. Many times I understand why so many of his followers turned from the job he wanted them to complete. It is scary and hard and painful. Many times you want to just curl up in a ball and forget your calling...it is much easier to do that. We all have those moments. It is easy to hide behind addictions or actually make excuses to accept the things we know are wrong. In a way we get so far from where we are called(much like Jonah) that we look at our lives and can barely recognize it.
Then the entire thing comes crashing in and you can't do anything but sort through the rubble looking for some assemblance of life and a way to start over(very much like hurricane or earth quake victims) You seem so lost and devestated that all you see is the destruction rather then the prospects that await you once you have sorted through it all and rebuilt. No it will never be what you knew but so much good can always come out of tradgedy. Unfortunately, sometimes that is the only way we listen or sometimes it is the only way others will listen and there has to be sacrifice somewhere for the greater good.
I don't know if that is what my angel was meant to do but I know I have a greater calling dispite how painful it may be for me and how difficult it may be to do. For the longest time I had been trying hard to do it and no one would listen. Maybe it took my son's life to save others, I will never know but maybe that was part of God's greater plan for my little boy!
I have really thought about this a lot lately due to the same question that we all have at some point in our lives...Why? I've been very upset with how things have gone in my life, especially the things that I have no control over. Yes,I had control over dating my exhusband but I never anticipated him being arrested and going to prison that eventually lead to divorce. I never wanted that for myself or my son. My heart broke and still carries much animocity due to the shattered dreams he left in my life. You can move forward and put yourself aside but that does not fix the wake of distruction that was left behind. All I ever wanted was to get married, be a mom, and live happily ever after. No one ever mentioned the fact that farytales don't exist in real life.
Then I finally got out of a horrible situation that I never wanted for my life and decided I needed to get back on track. That is when I met Hugh. He taught me that I deserved more in my life and that I had to love myself before I could love someone else. I have to want the person in my life, not need them. In many ways we both grew up a lot during the beginning part of our relationship. For so many reasons I am greatful for that very fact. I remember at that time it was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life but knew it all had to be done. Through all of it I learned independence and the fact that I can stand on my own two feet and be a strong person and yet still not walk all over people and how to put my child's needs before my own.
The house we had bought together was just a nightmare. I lost my job shortly after we had bought it which posed it's own set of obstacles. That was the first time I was ever let go from a job and I was devistated. The house required tons of work we didn't anticipate having to do. There was tons of money we did not have but had to find a way to get. Even when we were at a big low, there were still people willing to take advantage of us and screw us over for their benefit. That was also our first experience of needing to ask for help and also finding out who was really there for us in the end. It was a daunting task that lasted months more then we ever had expected.
During that time we got married and found we were pregnant with Joshua. Even after the whole divorce and house issue I felt that we were finally on track yet again. We had overcome all those obstacles that no one else we ever knew had to do what we had to do. Life was going just as it should or at least that is what we thought. Joshua was born and life couldn't have been any better. Things weren't perfect but they were surely managable. A few months after he was born our world was turned upside down when he had is first seizure. That sent us on this journey that we never expected to be going though.
We got criticism from friends and family who just didn't understand the situation we were in. They had never experienced the feelings and thought we were making bad decisions. That taught me to never judge someone because I don't know how and where they have been. That is also when I learned to trust my own instincts and that I can't make everyone else happy because that is not possible. I also began the path to learn that God will give me the guidance and let me know what and when things are right. Yet again we had no money and had to rely on others to help us get Joshua the medical care he needed. That is such a humbling experience. Hugh worked his butt off at two full time jobs and yet still we had pleanty of unhappy people around us but knew this is what we needed to do.
Then Michael came along. He brought his own set of obstacles to our lives. He always made me question myself. It was hard to hug him since from a young age he was not very affectionate. He had pretty nasty tummy issues and was always doing things I just didn't understand. Most of this was explained when we suspected him having the same disorder Joshua had but he was the healthy one...no seizures...did the stuff he was suppose to do. I just didn't understand it all.
I then went and got my certification for coding so that I could help out with the payment of bills. Finally people began to forgive me for not going to college now that I had a certification in something. I could always tell people were disappointed in me and it made me realize how I did not want to treat others. Their expectations for my life were more then I had ever wanted for myself. I just never saw myself the way they did and in many reguards still don't.
One thing I have learned though this all is that it doesn't matter what someone else wanted for me or even what I wanted for myself, it is what God wants for me. Many times I have sat there wondering what in the world he is thinking. I was the kid that hated doctors growing up. I hid under the table and called the doctor a quack. When I went to the orthopedic for my crazy hips, I screamed and cried and never let him near me. Now I am going to be in a room full of medical staff teaching them about the very disease that my children live with every day and the one that took my little boys life. Never would I have chosen that for myself but yet I feel the need to do it.
I look at my little boy's picture not understanding why God took him from me but I know he had a greater purpose. It doesn't make the pain any less and I hurt every single day that I am appart from him. I feel compelled to do right by him and keep his memory alive and thriving rather then letting it die with him. If I just sat back and felt sorry for myself because of all my life trials, I should have just laid down with him and died that day. I am better then that because God gives me the strength to take another breath and fulfill a much greater purpose. His greater plan.
It still amazes me to look at other people that I knew growning up who I always thought were better then I was. They all had much more potential and it was apparent that others thought that too. I envied them for so many things and wished I could be like them. Now, I look at those same people and realize their individual weeknesses and am greatful that God does have unanswered prayers.
I still don't understand why he took my little boy as I prayed over him when he was handed to me. I remember crying out asking him to please fix him and give him back to me as I watched the hospital staff working on him doing chest compressions and placing lines. In the back of my mind God had already told me his job was done but mine wasn't. I don't understand that unanswered prayer but I know it is all part of that greater plan somehow someway.
I feel so overwhelmed and taken back that he would choose me. Many times I understand why so many of his followers turned from the job he wanted them to complete. It is scary and hard and painful. Many times you want to just curl up in a ball and forget your calling...it is much easier to do that. We all have those moments. It is easy to hide behind addictions or actually make excuses to accept the things we know are wrong. In a way we get so far from where we are called(much like Jonah) that we look at our lives and can barely recognize it.
Then the entire thing comes crashing in and you can't do anything but sort through the rubble looking for some assemblance of life and a way to start over(very much like hurricane or earth quake victims) You seem so lost and devestated that all you see is the destruction rather then the prospects that await you once you have sorted through it all and rebuilt. No it will never be what you knew but so much good can always come out of tradgedy. Unfortunately, sometimes that is the only way we listen or sometimes it is the only way others will listen and there has to be sacrifice somewhere for the greater good.
I don't know if that is what my angel was meant to do but I know I have a greater calling dispite how painful it may be for me and how difficult it may be to do. For the longest time I had been trying hard to do it and no one would listen. Maybe it took my son's life to save others, I will never know but maybe that was part of God's greater plan for my little boy!
Monday, May 24, 2010
Empty
Missing you so much my little monkey. I just feel so empty and lost without you here. I can't help but wonder what life would be like if you were here. I know that this sadness would not be here and that would be a blessing. No one really gets how great of a losss it is for me to not have you here with me. You were MY gift and a huge part of me, we just had that connection, and I miss it so much. It hurts so bad to finally have something that was just for me and then without warning ripped away. I know you are in an awsome place but I cannot think of a better place then with me dispite what everyone else tells me. They keep telling me time will heal but I just cannot believe that right now. It is like telling an amputee that they will be able to walk again some day. Yes they may be able to get a "artificial" limb but it will never be the same and will never work the way the original did. The person will never be "whole" again even if they can function well. I miss you so much my angel and wish I could see your smile and hold you again but I know it will have to wait for a while. Hugs and kisses from mommy!
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Poems
Do Babies Grow Up in Heaven?
by Unknown
Will I know my baby when we meet again?
Will he have grown up, not be the infant that died in my arms?
Will I recognize him, be able to find him among so many others?
Or will he be a stranger to me, not knowing who I am,
or me knowing him?
Do babies grow up in heaven?
He never got his first tooth, or said his first words.
No first shoes, no Santa, no first birthday cake.
Will my son still be a baby when we meet again?
Do babies grow up in heaven?
Who sings him precious lullabies?
Who holds him close and kisses him everyday?
Who tells him constantly that they love him?
Do babies grow up in heaven?
When we next meet, will he know me?
Will he want to know me?
Will he be my son who died at three months, or a man, fully grown?
Will I have the joy of being a mother to my son for all eternity?
Do babies grow up in heaven?
Will I be able to hold him, love him, sing lullabies to him?
Will I be able to hold his tiny hand, or will it be a man's hand?
Will I ever have the joy that only holding my son can bring?
I need to know! In heaven, is my baby still a baby?
Not Like You
by Sheri Hess
I am a mother, though not like you.
You cradle your sweet baby in your arms,
Mine are empty, but I hold him in my heart.
You brush her soft curly hair,
and tie pretty pink bows just right.
A lock of his hair is tucked neatly in a book
You pick daisies and tie them in a chain
to wear around her neck
I cut lilacs and arrange them in a vase to set at his grave.
You look forward to dreams and plans.
I hold on to memories.
I am a mother,
though not like you.
In Memory of Dakota Rain Hess
The Balm Of God's Love
by M.S.Lowndes
When we lose someone we love
The loss seems too great to bear
God sends us friends to comfort us
To show that He deeply cares
But in the dark hours of the night
When there’s nobody else around
When we feel the saddest and loneliest
It’s there God’s love can be found
It’s like a soothing, healing balm
To soothe our broken hearts
The healing oil poured over us
That flows into every part
We can rest secure in God’s love
And know He’s by our side
He holds us when we feel as though
A part of us has died
We can know that God will listen
When we just want to talk
And when we feel we need to cry
We can share it with the Lord
For He is always waiting there
Ready with arms open wide
As we pour out the hurt within
He pours His love inside
Our Father above loves us so much
And will never leave us alone
He will not forsake us in our need
To face this on our own
He comforts us and strengthens us
And rubs us with His balm
And as the dawn breaks through the night
We’ll awake in His loving arms.
Gone but Not Forgotten
by Kelsey Y. Sheppard
Gone but Not Forgotten
Dedicated To Codi
You were so full of life,
Always smiling and carefree,
Life loved you being a part of it,
And I loved you being a part of me.
You could make anyone laugh,
If they were having a bad day,
No matter how sad I was,
You could take the hurt away.
Nothing could every stop you,
Or even make you fall,
You were ready to take on the world,
Ready to do it all.
But God decided he needed you,
So from this world you left,
But you took a piece of all of us,
Our hearts are what you kept.
Your seat is now empty,
And it's hard not to see your face,
But please always know this,
No one will ever take your place.
You left without a warning,
Not even saying good-bye,
And I can't seem to stop,
Asking the question why?
Nothing will ever be the same,
The halls are empty without your laughter,
But I know you're in Heaven,
Watching over us and looking after.
I didn't see this coming,
It hit me by surprise,
And when you left this world,
A small part of me died.
Your smile could brighten anyone's day,
No matter what they were going through,
And I know everyday for the rest of my life,
I'll be missing you.
My Mom is a Survivor
My mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying
when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night.
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.
But like the sands upon a beach
that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom
who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others,
a smile of disguise.
But through Heaven's open door,
I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My mom tries to cope with my death,
to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her
knows it's her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom
through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that
Angel protect me forevermore.
I know that doesn't help her,
or ease the burdens she bears.
So if you get a chance, call to her
And show her that you care.
For no matter what she feels,
my surviving mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.
~K. D'Ormeaux
Just For Today
Just for today, I will try to live through the next 24 hours...not expecting to get over my child's death, but learning to live with it...one day at a time
Just for today, I'll remember my child's life, not his death, and bask in the comfort of the treasured days and moments we shared.
Just for today, I will forgive all the family and friends who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to. They truly did not know how.
Just for today, I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child. For they are hurting too, and perhaps we can help each other.
Just for today, I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt. For deep in my heart, I know if there was anything in this world I could have done to save my child from death, I would have done it.
Just for today, I will honor my child's memory by doing something with another child, be it my own, or someone else's, because I know that would make my child proud.
Just for today, I will offer my hand in friendship to other bereaved parents, fo I DO know how they feel.
Just for today, I will smile...no matter how much I hurt on the inside...for maybe if I smile a little, my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.
Just for today, I will allow myself to be happy and enjoy myself, for I know I am not deserting my child by moving on.
Just for today, I will accept that I did NOT die when my child did. My life did go on and I am the ONLY one who can make that life worthwhile again.
~by V.Tushingham, taken from the Bereaved Parents of the USA Tampa Bay Newsletter, Sept 2001.
What Now?
What now, Little Angel?
It's been six months.
Your big brother misses you--
You're all he wants.
What now, Little Angel?
We ALL miss you so much.
We miss your smile,
We miss your touch.
What now, Little Angel?
What are we to do?
How can we make sense
Of life without you?
The good news, Little Angel,
Is that God carries us.
He renews us each day
To face what we must.
He gives us the strength
To live each minute,
And shows us that life
Is only real if He's in it.
So for now, Little Angel,
We'll do our best,
And one day we'll join you
In perfect Heavenly rest!
With love from Mommy
June 19, 2006
Missing you now for six long months...and loving you
for all of Eternity!
~Kristy Turner
by Unknown
Will I know my baby when we meet again?
Will he have grown up, not be the infant that died in my arms?
Will I recognize him, be able to find him among so many others?
Or will he be a stranger to me, not knowing who I am,
or me knowing him?
Do babies grow up in heaven?
He never got his first tooth, or said his first words.
No first shoes, no Santa, no first birthday cake.
Will my son still be a baby when we meet again?
Do babies grow up in heaven?
Who sings him precious lullabies?
Who holds him close and kisses him everyday?
Who tells him constantly that they love him?
Do babies grow up in heaven?
When we next meet, will he know me?
Will he want to know me?
Will he be my son who died at three months, or a man, fully grown?
Will I have the joy of being a mother to my son for all eternity?
Do babies grow up in heaven?
Will I be able to hold him, love him, sing lullabies to him?
Will I be able to hold his tiny hand, or will it be a man's hand?
Will I ever have the joy that only holding my son can bring?
I need to know! In heaven, is my baby still a baby?
Not Like You
by Sheri Hess
I am a mother, though not like you.
You cradle your sweet baby in your arms,
Mine are empty, but I hold him in my heart.
You brush her soft curly hair,
and tie pretty pink bows just right.
A lock of his hair is tucked neatly in a book
You pick daisies and tie them in a chain
to wear around her neck
I cut lilacs and arrange them in a vase to set at his grave.
You look forward to dreams and plans.
I hold on to memories.
I am a mother,
though not like you.
In Memory of Dakota Rain Hess
The Balm Of God's Love
by M.S.Lowndes
When we lose someone we love
The loss seems too great to bear
God sends us friends to comfort us
To show that He deeply cares
But in the dark hours of the night
When there’s nobody else around
When we feel the saddest and loneliest
It’s there God’s love can be found
It’s like a soothing, healing balm
To soothe our broken hearts
The healing oil poured over us
That flows into every part
We can rest secure in God’s love
And know He’s by our side
He holds us when we feel as though
A part of us has died
We can know that God will listen
When we just want to talk
And when we feel we need to cry
We can share it with the Lord
For He is always waiting there
Ready with arms open wide
As we pour out the hurt within
He pours His love inside
Our Father above loves us so much
And will never leave us alone
He will not forsake us in our need
To face this on our own
He comforts us and strengthens us
And rubs us with His balm
And as the dawn breaks through the night
We’ll awake in His loving arms.
Gone but Not Forgotten
by Kelsey Y. Sheppard
Gone but Not Forgotten
Dedicated To Codi
You were so full of life,
Always smiling and carefree,
Life loved you being a part of it,
And I loved you being a part of me.
You could make anyone laugh,
If they were having a bad day,
No matter how sad I was,
You could take the hurt away.
Nothing could every stop you,
Or even make you fall,
You were ready to take on the world,
Ready to do it all.
But God decided he needed you,
So from this world you left,
But you took a piece of all of us,
Our hearts are what you kept.
Your seat is now empty,
And it's hard not to see your face,
But please always know this,
No one will ever take your place.
You left without a warning,
Not even saying good-bye,
And I can't seem to stop,
Asking the question why?
Nothing will ever be the same,
The halls are empty without your laughter,
But I know you're in Heaven,
Watching over us and looking after.
I didn't see this coming,
It hit me by surprise,
And when you left this world,
A small part of me died.
Your smile could brighten anyone's day,
No matter what they were going through,
And I know everyday for the rest of my life,
I'll be missing you.
My Mom is a Survivor
My mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying
when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night.
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.
But like the sands upon a beach
that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom
who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others,
a smile of disguise.
But through Heaven's open door,
I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My mom tries to cope with my death,
to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her
knows it's her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom
through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that
Angel protect me forevermore.
I know that doesn't help her,
or ease the burdens she bears.
So if you get a chance, call to her
And show her that you care.
For no matter what she feels,
my surviving mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.
~K. D'Ormeaux
Just For Today
Just for today, I will try to live through the next 24 hours...not expecting to get over my child's death, but learning to live with it...one day at a time
Just for today, I'll remember my child's life, not his death, and bask in the comfort of the treasured days and moments we shared.
Just for today, I will forgive all the family and friends who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to. They truly did not know how.
Just for today, I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child. For they are hurting too, and perhaps we can help each other.
Just for today, I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt. For deep in my heart, I know if there was anything in this world I could have done to save my child from death, I would have done it.
Just for today, I will honor my child's memory by doing something with another child, be it my own, or someone else's, because I know that would make my child proud.
Just for today, I will offer my hand in friendship to other bereaved parents, fo I DO know how they feel.
Just for today, I will smile...no matter how much I hurt on the inside...for maybe if I smile a little, my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.
Just for today, I will allow myself to be happy and enjoy myself, for I know I am not deserting my child by moving on.
Just for today, I will accept that I did NOT die when my child did. My life did go on and I am the ONLY one who can make that life worthwhile again.
~by V.Tushingham, taken from the Bereaved Parents of the USA Tampa Bay Newsletter, Sept 2001.
What Now?
What now, Little Angel?
It's been six months.
Your big brother misses you--
You're all he wants.
What now, Little Angel?
We ALL miss you so much.
We miss your smile,
We miss your touch.
What now, Little Angel?
What are we to do?
How can we make sense
Of life without you?
The good news, Little Angel,
Is that God carries us.
He renews us each day
To face what we must.
He gives us the strength
To live each minute,
And shows us that life
Is only real if He's in it.
So for now, Little Angel,
We'll do our best,
And one day we'll join you
In perfect Heavenly rest!
With love from Mommy
June 19, 2006
Missing you now for six long months...and loving you
for all of Eternity!
~Kristy Turner
Friday, May 21, 2010
Another Week
It amazes me how many weeks have gone by since our angel earned his wings. In so many ways it seems like it was just yesterday and then again it feels as if it has been an eternity. Our lives have just been turned upside down and I still am struggling to figure out how to turn it over again. I know it is going to be in God's time and not mine but sometimes I just don't get it all.
Sometimes I just wish it was not all so hard and I feel like I have had my share of hard and unthinkable tradgedy in my life already. That overwhelming feeling of when will this all end and how much can I really handle can be so difficult to live with at times. It seems as if it is always pouring sometimes.Amidst all the rain that comes pouring, there are always those moments where it lets up or the sunshines through. Those are the moments that make it so you can keep going through the horrible storm you are walking through.
I have always wanted to make loosing George more then a tradgedy though. I've fumbled over and over again trying to think of what I want to do and how to go about doing it. The in service at the hospital is coming up soon and I am quite excited about it. I'm going to begin working on the presentation and gathering materials for the staff. Along with that we, as a family, have decided that we want help raise money to help out Comfort Zone Camp which has touched our lives in such a profound way. We are thinking of running a fundraising campaigne for a few weeks starting during Joshua's birthday and ending the day that our angel would have been a year old if he had been here.
I have already contacted the local news station and they want to know what and when we are doing this. We have decided to start collecting supplies that the camp always uses along with financial donations. I think I am going to call it Komfort for Kidz campaigne. Joshua wants a luau birthday so I think we are going to ask people to bring supplies for camp or donate money and we are going to call it "Luau for Love". I want to get some boxes for supplies and jars for monitary donations together and go to local companies and ask them to put them in their stores to take in collections and will list then on a fundraising web page. The item donations are going to be called "Supplies for Survivors" and the financial donations we will call "Funds for Families" and then on or near George's birthday we want to put together a brunch/auction and call it "Forever Family Fare" I think it will be an awsome way to celebrate his life and make the day he came into our lives such a momentous thing, even though he is not here, on so many levels.
Comfort Zone Camp really touched our family in a profound way and I want it to be available to other families and help them to continue their work. They touch so many lives at the worst point in the individuals life and they try to take down all the financial barriers for people to get the help they need. To just support one cause like SIDS or Mito is just not as great as one that will touch millions of lives. We cannot prevent death so this is going to be an ongoing need since death will never have a cure like so many disease will. 1 in 8 children will have lost a parent or sibbling by the age of 20. That does not include those who loose other relatives so that number is just staggering! Because the toll grief takes on a family, many children go for years if not a lifetime without the proper help and tools to help them through grief. We have watched it happen to our family first hand.
That of course does not mean that I am giving up my efforts for Mito advocacy by any means. I still have children here who fight this disease every day. Hugh and I are planning to walk in honor of our boys in September at Campbell's Field in Camden for the UMDF. Ok, I know I am not a huge fan of their group or how they run the organization at times. I have however come to realize that there are not many organizations out there that I agree with 100% anyway and they have always been willing to send me literature and any other information that I need to continue my quest to educate people. For that very reason alone, I feel the need to walk. Without the organization research would not me as far as it is now...yes it could be further due to some management issues but there is no one else out there supporting this disease. They have created great resources for doctors and anyone wanting to find out more information. We are looking for people who would be interested in walking with us or sponsoring us. Our team is called Mito Monkeys and here is our team page. http://www.energyforlifewalk.org/c.bkLPKbOULlK8E/b.6007487/siteapps/teampage/ShowPage.aspx?teamid=3764908
I know there is just a greater purpose for my life here otherwise I would be with my angel. In my heart I know this is what I am meant to be doing. Things will work out to make these ideas and things happen should they be meant to be. There has got to be a greater purpose to all of this pain and suffering. I can't cure the world but I can help those going through some of the worst experiences of their lives. It is only when we allow our problems to make us feel helpless have we allowed them to get the best of us, rather then rising to the occasion and becoming greater then the tradgedy. I want the sun to shine through the rain so that I can find the rainbow, the very promise that God will always be with us and not allow us to walk through life alone.
Sometimes I just wish it was not all so hard and I feel like I have had my share of hard and unthinkable tradgedy in my life already. That overwhelming feeling of when will this all end and how much can I really handle can be so difficult to live with at times. It seems as if it is always pouring sometimes.Amidst all the rain that comes pouring, there are always those moments where it lets up or the sunshines through. Those are the moments that make it so you can keep going through the horrible storm you are walking through.
I have always wanted to make loosing George more then a tradgedy though. I've fumbled over and over again trying to think of what I want to do and how to go about doing it. The in service at the hospital is coming up soon and I am quite excited about it. I'm going to begin working on the presentation and gathering materials for the staff. Along with that we, as a family, have decided that we want help raise money to help out Comfort Zone Camp which has touched our lives in such a profound way. We are thinking of running a fundraising campaigne for a few weeks starting during Joshua's birthday and ending the day that our angel would have been a year old if he had been here.
I have already contacted the local news station and they want to know what and when we are doing this. We have decided to start collecting supplies that the camp always uses along with financial donations. I think I am going to call it Komfort for Kidz campaigne. Joshua wants a luau birthday so I think we are going to ask people to bring supplies for camp or donate money and we are going to call it "Luau for Love". I want to get some boxes for supplies and jars for monitary donations together and go to local companies and ask them to put them in their stores to take in collections and will list then on a fundraising web page. The item donations are going to be called "Supplies for Survivors" and the financial donations we will call "Funds for Families" and then on or near George's birthday we want to put together a brunch/auction and call it "Forever Family Fare" I think it will be an awsome way to celebrate his life and make the day he came into our lives such a momentous thing, even though he is not here, on so many levels.
Comfort Zone Camp really touched our family in a profound way and I want it to be available to other families and help them to continue their work. They touch so many lives at the worst point in the individuals life and they try to take down all the financial barriers for people to get the help they need. To just support one cause like SIDS or Mito is just not as great as one that will touch millions of lives. We cannot prevent death so this is going to be an ongoing need since death will never have a cure like so many disease will. 1 in 8 children will have lost a parent or sibbling by the age of 20. That does not include those who loose other relatives so that number is just staggering! Because the toll grief takes on a family, many children go for years if not a lifetime without the proper help and tools to help them through grief. We have watched it happen to our family first hand.
That of course does not mean that I am giving up my efforts for Mito advocacy by any means. I still have children here who fight this disease every day. Hugh and I are planning to walk in honor of our boys in September at Campbell's Field in Camden for the UMDF. Ok, I know I am not a huge fan of their group or how they run the organization at times. I have however come to realize that there are not many organizations out there that I agree with 100% anyway and they have always been willing to send me literature and any other information that I need to continue my quest to educate people. For that very reason alone, I feel the need to walk. Without the organization research would not me as far as it is now...yes it could be further due to some management issues but there is no one else out there supporting this disease. They have created great resources for doctors and anyone wanting to find out more information. We are looking for people who would be interested in walking with us or sponsoring us. Our team is called Mito Monkeys and here is our team page. http://www.energyforlifewalk.org/c.bkLPKbOULlK8E/b.6007487/siteapps/teampage/ShowPage.aspx?teamid=3764908
I know there is just a greater purpose for my life here otherwise I would be with my angel. In my heart I know this is what I am meant to be doing. Things will work out to make these ideas and things happen should they be meant to be. There has got to be a greater purpose to all of this pain and suffering. I can't cure the world but I can help those going through some of the worst experiences of their lives. It is only when we allow our problems to make us feel helpless have we allowed them to get the best of us, rather then rising to the occasion and becoming greater then the tradgedy. I want the sun to shine through the rain so that I can find the rainbow, the very promise that God will always be with us and not allow us to walk through life alone.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
I Miss You My Angel
My sweet baby boy, I miss you so much. There isn't a day that doesn't go by that doesn't seem impossible to make it through because the pain I hold in my heart is just so great. You are always in my mind and my heart. I don't know how they can say that it gets better with time because I find it to be the oppsite. Each day that goes by, I yearn to hold you more. I know that you are in the best place ever and it is selfish that I want you back but I do want you back more than anything. My arms are so empty without you in them. I miss your smile and laugh.
It hurts to watch your big brothers miss you. Tonight Michael wanted to send you a half eaten chicken nugget and put it in an envelope with a letter for you. We were out of the helium tank I had bought so he wanted to mail it to heaven. Joshua of course wanted to write his own letter, the big boy he is now, and although you could not read a thing, each scribble had meaning and was written with so much love! Richard is trying hard to find a way to get through his pain and he is having a tough time right now...please watch over him...he loves you so much and misses you too.
I try to get through the day and keep myself busy. Whenever I do that though, I feel like I am hit like a rock at the end of the day. I don't feel guilty for being happy and living but the pain just comes in and washes over me in a huge wave rather in the small trickles here and there throughout the day. It is so hard to live without you. I know God will see me through this but I don't know how to do this and still come out in one piece at the end. There are other mommies missing their angels too and I thank God that they are in my life because I know I am not alone and this is not abnormal. I would honestly think I was going crazy if I didn't know them. There is nothing that can ever prepare you for this sort of loss.
You meant the world to me and I miss everything about you. Life is not and will not ever be the same again. I know you are watching over us but I really wish you were here and I didn't have to know this life that I now live. Everything will just be forever incomplete until we are all together again. Sending you lots of hugs and kisses to you my sweet little monkey! I love you so much!
It hurts to watch your big brothers miss you. Tonight Michael wanted to send you a half eaten chicken nugget and put it in an envelope with a letter for you. We were out of the helium tank I had bought so he wanted to mail it to heaven. Joshua of course wanted to write his own letter, the big boy he is now, and although you could not read a thing, each scribble had meaning and was written with so much love! Richard is trying hard to find a way to get through his pain and he is having a tough time right now...please watch over him...he loves you so much and misses you too.
I try to get through the day and keep myself busy. Whenever I do that though, I feel like I am hit like a rock at the end of the day. I don't feel guilty for being happy and living but the pain just comes in and washes over me in a huge wave rather in the small trickles here and there throughout the day. It is so hard to live without you. I know God will see me through this but I don't know how to do this and still come out in one piece at the end. There are other mommies missing their angels too and I thank God that they are in my life because I know I am not alone and this is not abnormal. I would honestly think I was going crazy if I didn't know them. There is nothing that can ever prepare you for this sort of loss.
You meant the world to me and I miss everything about you. Life is not and will not ever be the same again. I know you are watching over us but I really wish you were here and I didn't have to know this life that I now live. Everything will just be forever incomplete until we are all together again. Sending you lots of hugs and kisses to you my sweet little monkey! I love you so much!
Prayer
Richard went back to school yesterday. He stayed home on Monday to be able to collect himself after such a long and exhausting weekend. Apparently he had a good day. He showed his shirt and photos from camp and told the other student about the blog page is going to be keeping. I am going to sit down with him, hopefully this weekend, and work on it with him so he can have it the way that he wants it set up. His teachers emailed me and let me know what was going on with him throughout the day and to let me know of his assignments. All in all I think it was good for him and for me to just know that he is coping well and keeps plugging away at the saddness in his heart.
I am still trying to find a way to do that myself. There is just so much sadness and I don't know how to get through it sometimes. Right now it is through baby steps. Yesterday I finally cooked a real meal for the first time since George died. That is a huge feat for me since there are so many bad memories with my kitchen for me. THe immages of that day are so vivid in my mind and many times I wish that I could just erase them from my memory to just be able to remember the good times with him. Right now, that just isn't possible and I don't know if it ever will be possible. Loosing someone in a traumatic manner like that makes the loss so much worse then you could ever immagine. I think that is what makes it harder to even move forward.
Every day I listen to music that reminds me of him or is inspirational in one way or another to be able to get through the day. Many of the songs I find peace in are the ones listed here on the page. Music has always played a huge part in my life. I also try to find ways to keep my mind off of the sadness that I feel all the time. Many times I just have to sit back and pray to make it through difficult things. This whole thing is just such a terrible road to be on. I know so many others have walked this path and survived so I know I will too but it doesn't mean that surviving doesn't come with lots of obstacles and pain. Life goes on with our without you being an active participant.
"Letting Go" is an original Christmas poem submitted by an About.com member. It expresses a heart-felt request to Jesus for help letting go and giving up control to God.
Letting Go
Dear Jesus,
Please hear my prayer. I go along each day, trying to run my life my own way. I forget to let go and give you control.
I wonder why things aren't going the way I want them to go. I forget to stop and ask what you want, Lord. Please help me to give you control, Jesus. I want to follow you. I want what you desire for me.
Help me to realize that when you close one door, you open the one you want me to walk through. Help me also to realize that what I desire may not be what is meant for me, or what is best for me. Maybe it will lead me away from what your great plan is for me.
Lord, let me accept each day as a gift. Let me follow the path you choose for me. Help me to be thankful for what you give me and not to worry about my needs. I trust you will take care of all my needs. Remind me that my role is to care for those around me and focus on those who need my help.
Help me not to be judgmental, as we are all equal in God's eyes. Help me to see the good in all of your creations. Let me leave the judging to you, dear Jesus. Instead, I will concentrate on living to please you!
Help me, dear Jesus, be who and what you want me to be. Give me strength, faith and hope, and most of all, give me guidance each and every day. I let go and give you control.
In Jesus name,
Amen.
I am still trying to find a way to do that myself. There is just so much sadness and I don't know how to get through it sometimes. Right now it is through baby steps. Yesterday I finally cooked a real meal for the first time since George died. That is a huge feat for me since there are so many bad memories with my kitchen for me. THe immages of that day are so vivid in my mind and many times I wish that I could just erase them from my memory to just be able to remember the good times with him. Right now, that just isn't possible and I don't know if it ever will be possible. Loosing someone in a traumatic manner like that makes the loss so much worse then you could ever immagine. I think that is what makes it harder to even move forward.
Every day I listen to music that reminds me of him or is inspirational in one way or another to be able to get through the day. Many of the songs I find peace in are the ones listed here on the page. Music has always played a huge part in my life. I also try to find ways to keep my mind off of the sadness that I feel all the time. Many times I just have to sit back and pray to make it through difficult things. This whole thing is just such a terrible road to be on. I know so many others have walked this path and survived so I know I will too but it doesn't mean that surviving doesn't come with lots of obstacles and pain. Life goes on with our without you being an active participant.
"Letting Go" is an original Christmas poem submitted by an About.com member. It expresses a heart-felt request to Jesus for help letting go and giving up control to God.
Letting Go
Dear Jesus,
Please hear my prayer. I go along each day, trying to run my life my own way. I forget to let go and give you control.
I wonder why things aren't going the way I want them to go. I forget to stop and ask what you want, Lord. Please help me to give you control, Jesus. I want to follow you. I want what you desire for me.
Help me to realize that when you close one door, you open the one you want me to walk through. Help me also to realize that what I desire may not be what is meant for me, or what is best for me. Maybe it will lead me away from what your great plan is for me.
Lord, let me accept each day as a gift. Let me follow the path you choose for me. Help me to be thankful for what you give me and not to worry about my needs. I trust you will take care of all my needs. Remind me that my role is to care for those around me and focus on those who need my help.
Help me not to be judgmental, as we are all equal in God's eyes. Help me to see the good in all of your creations. Let me leave the judging to you, dear Jesus. Instead, I will concentrate on living to please you!
Help me, dear Jesus, be who and what you want me to be. Give me strength, faith and hope, and most of all, give me guidance each and every day. I let go and give you control.
In Jesus name,
Amen.
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Me With My Prince Charming In Front of the Castle
