Talia Michelle is here!!! 10lbs 4ozs 22 inches!!!
Yes you read that right!!!
I am sure that George met her before she was sent to bless our family!!!
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Pain of All Kinds
Lately, George's loss has been so hard. Every moment of every day is full of sadness deep in my heart even when my face says differently. Whenever we do something fun, I want him with us and can feel that hole in my heart just throb with pain. Events from the past few weeks have not made it any easier as we had many family things that make me wish he was with us. I have also been plagued by feelings of even deeper heartache as I have come to face ridicule and pain from find out others have been talking about me behind my back about a lot of things. If only they could walk a moment in my shoes the would understand. I've been called a failure and said to be a moocher(that of course is boiling it down to the simplest meaning behind what has been said), all of which just hurts so bad because no one knows the REAL truth. Hugh has also been feeling a lot of this pain and had a bad day on Monday. So often we both feel trapped in hell and moments like these add to the fire.
I've been thinking about George a lot too because we hit the two and a half year mark on Sunday. It was hard because we were at a family get together where I felt so out of place and had to not show my breaking heart. Hugh and I both sat in a corner table trying to just keep it together and stay out of the way for so many reasons. I was so relieved when the day was over and we could just go home and to bed. So many nights I cry myself to sleep because I know I can't do much of that during the day. Often I am told that I owe it to my other children or that I need to be happy I have other children and so many other things that just want to scream...be me and see how well you do!
My sister is also having her baby today. She uses the same docs I do and is headed in for a csection just like I have had with my kids. Whenever I think of her, I think of the day I had George and the joy we had that day as we held him and got to love him in our arms rather than in my womb, not even knowing his/our fate. Hugh and I have both been feeling that pull on our hearts again to have our last child. Since this will be our last, I don't want it to be one where I'm full of hurtful emotions from others who don't want us or feel we should have anymore children. Every single one of my pregnancies has been full of that and I don't want that. The odd part is that I know that no matter how it happens or when, we will be met with tons of this yet again but yet I keep holding out. No one knows how we know it is part of God's plan for us. Gabby's pregnancy was full of so many up and down emotions and we both want to just enjoy this last baby in such a different way. We needed Gabby and I know that is exactly what is happening with this last child of ours that will someday be...it is a calling but also a need. No one can ever replace George nor do any of our children live in his shadow but I believe that not only are they a calling from God but also a way for us to heal and find strength and happiness that we have yet to know.
All of this is so hard. I don't understand God's purpose in it all but I have to trust in his will for our lives. We have been attending a grief/loss group at a local church and it has been very interesting and helpful in a very unique way. I'm sad to know that it is coming to and end in two weeks and wish it could be something we had all the time. The group of people that attend are wonderful and yet small. We all support one another and are there for one another in just a different way than other support groups we have been to. The kids attend at the same time we do and they all love it too. I find it so interesting that strangers can be more supportive than some family. Not all of my family is judgmental and supportive and I am so thankful for those who are not. These people have in someway become part of our extended family and feel the ability to talk openly without holding anything back. They are what we draw from when the hard stuff becomes too hard. Those of you who read this and have been supportive, non judgmental, don't talk negatively behind our backs, and are just there, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts, even if you are not related biologically, for you have no idea what you bring to our lives.
I've been thinking about George a lot too because we hit the two and a half year mark on Sunday. It was hard because we were at a family get together where I felt so out of place and had to not show my breaking heart. Hugh and I both sat in a corner table trying to just keep it together and stay out of the way for so many reasons. I was so relieved when the day was over and we could just go home and to bed. So many nights I cry myself to sleep because I know I can't do much of that during the day. Often I am told that I owe it to my other children or that I need to be happy I have other children and so many other things that just want to scream...be me and see how well you do!
My sister is also having her baby today. She uses the same docs I do and is headed in for a csection just like I have had with my kids. Whenever I think of her, I think of the day I had George and the joy we had that day as we held him and got to love him in our arms rather than in my womb, not even knowing his/our fate. Hugh and I have both been feeling that pull on our hearts again to have our last child. Since this will be our last, I don't want it to be one where I'm full of hurtful emotions from others who don't want us or feel we should have anymore children. Every single one of my pregnancies has been full of that and I don't want that. The odd part is that I know that no matter how it happens or when, we will be met with tons of this yet again but yet I keep holding out. No one knows how we know it is part of God's plan for us. Gabby's pregnancy was full of so many up and down emotions and we both want to just enjoy this last baby in such a different way. We needed Gabby and I know that is exactly what is happening with this last child of ours that will someday be...it is a calling but also a need. No one can ever replace George nor do any of our children live in his shadow but I believe that not only are they a calling from God but also a way for us to heal and find strength and happiness that we have yet to know.
All of this is so hard. I don't understand God's purpose in it all but I have to trust in his will for our lives. We have been attending a grief/loss group at a local church and it has been very interesting and helpful in a very unique way. I'm sad to know that it is coming to and end in two weeks and wish it could be something we had all the time. The group of people that attend are wonderful and yet small. We all support one another and are there for one another in just a different way than other support groups we have been to. The kids attend at the same time we do and they all love it too. I find it so interesting that strangers can be more supportive than some family. Not all of my family is judgmental and supportive and I am so thankful for those who are not. These people have in someway become part of our extended family and feel the ability to talk openly without holding anything back. They are what we draw from when the hard stuff becomes too hard. Those of you who read this and have been supportive, non judgmental, don't talk negatively behind our backs, and are just there, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts, even if you are not related biologically, for you have no idea what you bring to our lives.
Friday, July 27, 2012
Just So Hard
Lately, things have just been so hard for me on all fronts. I think I try to hide my emotions where George is concerned and wham...it comes out in some other way. Life since George is so much harder than life before him. Our live have always been hard and faced criticism from others but it got so much worse after he died. Just like before...we had good and bad moments and we have those now but even the good moments have something bad lurking in the shadows and it is that he is dead and not here. So many people don't understand that and try to tell us to look only at the good things but it just isn't possible.
Today I have just not felt myself after a long day at Sesame Place yesterday. I've been feeling kind of off and now I am really off. I was getting ready to take a shower when I heard someone yelling and my hear just sunk to my stomach. A panic attack started the moment I heard a yell I could not understand. A second or so later Joshua yelled again, he was looking for my dad. With that, I fell apart and just started to cry and continued to through my whole shower. I mustered up whatever strength I had left and got myself together enough to go downstairs in case someone was outside the bathroom and I had to walk past them.
Finally, I got to my room and just stood there so sad that this was now my life. Never would I have ever freaked out and had a panic attack the way I did before George died. I hate living this way. It's easy to say that I am capable of changing that but the only person/people who would believe that would be someone who had never been through something like that. You can't watch your child die before your eyes and not be changed but especially not loose it when you hear someone yell when that was what called you to those horrible moments in your life. How do you ever go back? You can't! NO amount of counseling or group sessions fixes something like that. The funny part is that all my fellow angel mothers completely agree no matter how many years they are out if they were not the ones who found their child.
I want so much of my life back but besides George, the one thing I want back the most is the ability to not have insane panic attacks. This whole thing has made have a new respect for those who live with this sort of thing their entire lives all day every day. I have always had anxiety about people talking about me or talking behind my back but that is a joke in comparison to this. All the anxieties are warranted but what comes with George's death, it just is so much greater than anything and I cannot talk myself out of it. Anxiety from those who talk about me, I can often talk myself out of and even if they are talking about me I can take a step back and say that it is their loss they are not in my life or that they have to answer for it someday. The anxiety that comes from George's death takes over, holds grip, and doesn't let go until I am sure everyone is ok. Directly following it, I break down in tears and sob uncontrollably as I relive that horrible morning in my head or just cry because he is dead and I know where the panic attack came from and the horrible anxiety I now harbor because of his death. Living like this is so hard...watching him die was hard but living without him and all the stuff that comes after is even harder. Having your child die is just so hard.
Today I have just not felt myself after a long day at Sesame Place yesterday. I've been feeling kind of off and now I am really off. I was getting ready to take a shower when I heard someone yelling and my hear just sunk to my stomach. A panic attack started the moment I heard a yell I could not understand. A second or so later Joshua yelled again, he was looking for my dad. With that, I fell apart and just started to cry and continued to through my whole shower. I mustered up whatever strength I had left and got myself together enough to go downstairs in case someone was outside the bathroom and I had to walk past them.
Finally, I got to my room and just stood there so sad that this was now my life. Never would I have ever freaked out and had a panic attack the way I did before George died. I hate living this way. It's easy to say that I am capable of changing that but the only person/people who would believe that would be someone who had never been through something like that. You can't watch your child die before your eyes and not be changed but especially not loose it when you hear someone yell when that was what called you to those horrible moments in your life. How do you ever go back? You can't! NO amount of counseling or group sessions fixes something like that. The funny part is that all my fellow angel mothers completely agree no matter how many years they are out if they were not the ones who found their child.
I want so much of my life back but besides George, the one thing I want back the most is the ability to not have insane panic attacks. This whole thing has made have a new respect for those who live with this sort of thing their entire lives all day every day. I have always had anxiety about people talking about me or talking behind my back but that is a joke in comparison to this. All the anxieties are warranted but what comes with George's death, it just is so much greater than anything and I cannot talk myself out of it. Anxiety from those who talk about me, I can often talk myself out of and even if they are talking about me I can take a step back and say that it is their loss they are not in my life or that they have to answer for it someday. The anxiety that comes from George's death takes over, holds grip, and doesn't let go until I am sure everyone is ok. Directly following it, I break down in tears and sob uncontrollably as I relive that horrible morning in my head or just cry because he is dead and I know where the panic attack came from and the horrible anxiety I now harbor because of his death. Living like this is so hard...watching him die was hard but living without him and all the stuff that comes after is even harder. Having your child die is just so hard.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Babies
This week has been full of babies for me. Yesterday I held my cousins son, the first boy baby I have held since George died. As I held him part of me wanted to die and just not even look at him and yet part of my heart sang as I remembered holding George and I didn't want to give him back. This has stirred up so many emotions in me. For so long I have kind of tucked George away deep in my heart to stop feeling the pain of his loss for a while so that I could keep it together the way everyone wants me to. When I say that I mean that no one really wants to see me sad or watch me in pain so to get away from the horrible feelings that come not only with his death but also the way others react to me I have gotten good at just pretending I have it all together. Instead, I die inside while I put my son deep in my heart because I cannot hold him in my arms like I could that little boy the other day.
We also held a baby shower for my sister who is going to have my niece on the first of August. These things are so damn hard for me and no one really understands that. I need to be part of these things for the sake of my family but it is so hard. I don't want to steal their happiness because of my pain. For me though I have to do this stuff in increments but that was not really how it all happened. I am a planner by nature and hate waiting until the last minute but when this stuff happens I NEED time. For some people waiting to the last minute is because they are trying to avoid it but I am opposite and I want to face them but I need time. It all went well but God I cannot tell you how hard it was for me but I was able to at least not burst into tears like I did at my sisters first shower so I guess that is one step in the right direction.
I also look at others who don't face the life challenges we have had to and I can admit that I am jealous. In my heart I just cry out in pain for the life I yearn to have that was taken away from me so many years ago and just got further away year after year. Looking at my life now it is so far from where I wanted to be and not because of my choices but rather life happening to us. I've also always been the one to seek approval from everyone and yet have always been the one person that people talk about behind my back and criticize or judge unfairly without really knowing me or walking my shoes. When people talk behind your back and you know it is not good most of the time it gives you an insane paranoia and pain just from the thought of it all. It just hurts and adds to my already difficult life.
Being homeless has been like a smack in the face and made me feel like I have gone back to being a little kid. I'm constantly looking for approval and feeling as if I am being talked about even if I am not and not doing the things I feel called to do because I am afraid to have to live with the judgement and anger directed toward me over these things. A lot of it has been related to my kids and how people don't understand my calling to having children at the times I have been called to this. These are deep rooted feelings that I know come from God and I try to put them off as long as possible until I feel like I am going to go out of my mind. All of this baby stuff has been exacerbating the calling for our last child and yet I know this would only bring ridicule and pain when it should just be joy but for me that is not the case. I know these are not ideal circumstances and I wish I didn't have this calling in my heart because I don't want to live that all over again but I also know there is only so long that I can run. God I can't imagine being Mary!
Our family has just changed so much in the last few years and is just becoming more unrecognizable to me. We have always struggled and had challenges but none like this. My kids know a pain they should never have to know and if I could carry that for them, I would. Hugh struggles on his own in ways I cannot help him and faces so much criticism from others. I constantly feel like I am being torn in a million directions and don't have any energy left at the end of the day for myself. When we had our house it was just different. We had our own space to call home and although this is my home, I also feel homeless. Mixed emotions are so hard to deal with. I LOVE that my children get to be so close to my parents but also feel so out of place at times. Maybe that is more it, I feel out of place in this life and as if I have never really fit ever.
My entire life I just didn't really fit in and have always been the underdog. Every part of me has given 100% and I always have to work so hard for the simplest things. After a while it becomes exhausting and for me I become emotional because I don't know what else to do. I will either get nasty or I will just cry and often times it is a combination of the two. Never do I mean to be like this but when I don't know what else to do that is all I feel I can do. There are even times I don't even know why I feel this way and I have been this way my entire life. For now I have to deal with what God has handed me even though I don't get it. I know I can't live in sorrow and sadness but I surely have my moments and right now that is what it is for me. God has a plan for all of this and I get that. So often the only reason I do a lot of things is because I don't want to rob someone else from the good things in their lives because mine is so damn hard...I want the best for them, not what I have and I won't be the reason for their pain if I can help it. If I ever have hurt anyone, it has been done accidentally. All that being said, that doesn't stop my heart from feeling broken all the time as I yearn for my son and the life I wanted but have never had. I miss that baby that I held in my arms that was suppose to grow up but now forever remains a baby in my heart.
We also held a baby shower for my sister who is going to have my niece on the first of August. These things are so damn hard for me and no one really understands that. I need to be part of these things for the sake of my family but it is so hard. I don't want to steal their happiness because of my pain. For me though I have to do this stuff in increments but that was not really how it all happened. I am a planner by nature and hate waiting until the last minute but when this stuff happens I NEED time. For some people waiting to the last minute is because they are trying to avoid it but I am opposite and I want to face them but I need time. It all went well but God I cannot tell you how hard it was for me but I was able to at least not burst into tears like I did at my sisters first shower so I guess that is one step in the right direction.
I also look at others who don't face the life challenges we have had to and I can admit that I am jealous. In my heart I just cry out in pain for the life I yearn to have that was taken away from me so many years ago and just got further away year after year. Looking at my life now it is so far from where I wanted to be and not because of my choices but rather life happening to us. I've also always been the one to seek approval from everyone and yet have always been the one person that people talk about behind my back and criticize or judge unfairly without really knowing me or walking my shoes. When people talk behind your back and you know it is not good most of the time it gives you an insane paranoia and pain just from the thought of it all. It just hurts and adds to my already difficult life.
Being homeless has been like a smack in the face and made me feel like I have gone back to being a little kid. I'm constantly looking for approval and feeling as if I am being talked about even if I am not and not doing the things I feel called to do because I am afraid to have to live with the judgement and anger directed toward me over these things. A lot of it has been related to my kids and how people don't understand my calling to having children at the times I have been called to this. These are deep rooted feelings that I know come from God and I try to put them off as long as possible until I feel like I am going to go out of my mind. All of this baby stuff has been exacerbating the calling for our last child and yet I know this would only bring ridicule and pain when it should just be joy but for me that is not the case. I know these are not ideal circumstances and I wish I didn't have this calling in my heart because I don't want to live that all over again but I also know there is only so long that I can run. God I can't imagine being Mary!
Our family has just changed so much in the last few years and is just becoming more unrecognizable to me. We have always struggled and had challenges but none like this. My kids know a pain they should never have to know and if I could carry that for them, I would. Hugh struggles on his own in ways I cannot help him and faces so much criticism from others. I constantly feel like I am being torn in a million directions and don't have any energy left at the end of the day for myself. When we had our house it was just different. We had our own space to call home and although this is my home, I also feel homeless. Mixed emotions are so hard to deal with. I LOVE that my children get to be so close to my parents but also feel so out of place at times. Maybe that is more it, I feel out of place in this life and as if I have never really fit ever.
My entire life I just didn't really fit in and have always been the underdog. Every part of me has given 100% and I always have to work so hard for the simplest things. After a while it becomes exhausting and for me I become emotional because I don't know what else to do. I will either get nasty or I will just cry and often times it is a combination of the two. Never do I mean to be like this but when I don't know what else to do that is all I feel I can do. There are even times I don't even know why I feel this way and I have been this way my entire life. For now I have to deal with what God has handed me even though I don't get it. I know I can't live in sorrow and sadness but I surely have my moments and right now that is what it is for me. God has a plan for all of this and I get that. So often the only reason I do a lot of things is because I don't want to rob someone else from the good things in their lives because mine is so damn hard...I want the best for them, not what I have and I won't be the reason for their pain if I can help it. If I ever have hurt anyone, it has been done accidentally. All that being said, that doesn't stop my heart from feeling broken all the time as I yearn for my son and the life I wanted but have never had. I miss that baby that I held in my arms that was suppose to grow up but now forever remains a baby in my heart.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
God I Miss You!
I sit here thinking of how long it has been since I watched you die. My heart is so very heavy and I miss you more than words can say! No one knows how bad I hurt sometimes. I've gotten so good at keeping it all inside and putting on my happy face. It hurts so bad to pretend like I am happy when inside I am crying. Life is nothing like I wanted it to be and I have no control over that. It hurts when I hear people judge me when they have not walked my shoes and have no real idea how hard it is. Nothing is fair when your child dies and you did nothing to warrant this kind of pain. I can't even look at your picture without wanting to cry and right now I miss more than ever our house. No one understands how much it hurts to loose it. It was like loosing you all over again because this was the only place you knew as home and the only place I really have memories with you. They feel it is better for us to move forward but it isn't the case and moving and having to have a happy face on now almost 24/7 makes this even harder to handle. The pain can be so bad that I want to explode inside but can't...instead I have to wait until night when I cry myself to sleep. There isn't anything in the world that I wouldn't give to have you in my arms again. I miss you more than you will ever know. Sending you kisses to heaven because I can't give them to you myself:o(
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Rays of Sun
It has been a while since I updated what has been going on in our lives. The summer always is harder to write since the kids are home from school and need my attention. Every day I have been thinking and praying for the Green family who lost their son recently. I know I asked for prayers for them prior but my heart is just so heavy for them since I know the pain of loosing a child. The mom of the family, I knew from Cub Scouts and she was always supportive of our family so I am very drawn to them and want to help any way that I can.
If I could take away their pain, I would because I would not wish this hell on Earth to anyone. That being said, I know I can't so I am doing all I can do and just offering our services and prayers for them. We have signed up to take them a meal once a week on Monday's. I have also sent the mom emails and just keep letting her know I am here for her. I don't want to be a nudge but I also know that she won't ask since I didn't and you are just focused on surviving. Your live goes into survival mode and you feel like the rest of the world is spinning and going on while yours is staying still. I think of the road ahead for them and know how difficult it really is so I want to do anything I can to ease it because I just kept praying for someone to help me and give me guidance or just to hug me and listen to me talk about my son and the horrible events of the day. You often find that other people don't know how to do this and you forget they don't know what this is like and you would never wish it on them so you just have to rely on someone who really is able to be there and push you forward even when you are digging your heals in and trying to go back to your old life. I just want my old life back with my child in it so you want to turn around rather than to forward.
The resources and things I had to hunt for I have given them also because I don't want them to go through what we went through. I felt so alone when George died because people didn't know how to help or what to do so they did nothing. Everyone would tell me No one set up meals for us on a consistent basis, not even our church or extended family. There were individuals who did make a meal or bring something over but after his funeral the support started to disappear and that was when I needed it the most. I don't hold anyone at fault because I didn't know what I needed so that meant they didn't because no one had ever been through this before other than two people I know and they have disappeared from our lives all together. At the time this was all happening, I was quite angry and hurt by those that I felt I could count on and they didn't step up. Looking back now, I know how bitter I was about all of it and I couldn't look past my own pain to see theirs but I couldn't at the time. I was also shocked by the few who stepped out and helped that I didn't think would ever be there.
I was unable at the time to also see that God was there helping me by bringing little rays of sunshine because I was so lost in the storm of my grief. There was a lot of misplaced anger and things of that nature and people I hurt unintentionally and I have had to ask God to forgive me along with those who I am now aware that I hurt. I'm sure there are other people I have hurt unknowingly and I have asked God for their forgiveness to find their hearts and ask him that they can see how lost I was. This is the kind of thing that you can't prepare for or learn ahead of time. Yesterday I actually had one of our issues cleared up. I have been praying for this for so long! The clouds are starting to part a little and allow the sun to shine through all of the pain.
We had an altercation with a neighbor the day after George died. It has been one of the worst relationships I have ever had in my life. I've been praying for this to stop and have tried on several occasions to make peace with the neighbor only to have it end up in a fight of some nature. The kids have wanted to play with the little boy in the home but we have held them back for several reasons but mainly because of our issues with them. Two days ago the little boy came here and I didn't have a problem with it, I don't have and never have had an issue with the child but insisted that if the kids wanted to play that it had to be here. These kids had so much fun and I have to say it brought me back to being a kid myself and I had to start to rethink things. Yesterday, they wanted to go swimming in his pool at his house. Our pool was having issues and the air conditioner in Joshua's play house was not working so if the boys wanted to go outside and play it had to be in a pool or they had to have access to a pool.
I sucked up my pride and told the kids it was ok if Richard was willing to go and take the boys. They convinced him and I was in the middle of something so I told him to ask the neighbor first. Much to my dismay the kids came back and Michael was in tears and Richard was upset. He told me that it was a problem and that the neighbor gave him a hard time. Something in me said that I needed to go even though I didn't want to. This needed to be fixed for these kids sake. With that I got out of my PJ's and headed over there and with every single step I prayed to God to give me the right words. The neighbor met me on the sidewalk and definitely had attitude but I stayed calm and kept praying. I'm not the type of person to deal with confrontation and have always been the one to walk away so this is out of my character. She started talking at me, not yelling but with plenty of attitude and I just let her go and say what she needed to.
There were times I wanted to just say something and cop an attitude with her too but I didn't. I stayed calm and told her that I want to put things in the past for the kids sake and to move forward. With that I told her that I am a different person and that I apologize for anything that may have transpired between our families. I also explained that I don't even remember some of the stuff that was said or done and that we both have our own perception of what happened and that somewhere in the middle is where it truly is and no one was right or wrong and that we needed to just move forward for the kids. Her demeanor changed and her heart was softened and we were able to patch things up. I am still thanking God for his presence and work in this situation. AMEN God is Good!!!
We had recently gone to FL for a big family vacation. Things didn't go as well as they usually do and we wound up coming home two days early since the kids missed Hugh. Hugh was unable to go with us because they are doing inventory. It was so hard without him, especially since we flew and it was me with 4 kids on my own with all their stuff. During the trip all sorts of crazy things happened and it was really the worst trip we ever had but the kids had fun and enjoyed the company of the adults and were oblivious to what was going on. During our trip to Downtown Disney I saw the water fountain working and it has not worked since we went with George...every part of me wanted to cry! I know it sounds stupid but it is one of the last family pictures we have with him in it and it was such a happy time for us all. I thank God for that trip every single day and that we got to share that experience with him. He LOVED the water fountain and the Christmas lights that they had decorating all of Disney.
Those are memories I will forever cherish...and yet they also make me sad since I though we would be able to bring him back later. We had also eaten in the T-Rex restaurant for the first time with him and it was so awesome. This trip we did too and we took Gabby. She absolutely loved it and fell in love with the fish!!! Deep in my heart I could feel slight sadness for George but happiness because I could share that with her. We had to have her make her own dinosaur from their version of Build a Bear since all the kids have one but her. She named it Chi Chi after my cousin's Chihuahua that she fell in love with at my uncle in SC house. Although it was a rough trip there were also rays of sunshine that shone through and every single time I go there part of my heart heals a little more because I feel so close to my son there. It truly is for us The Happiest Place on Earth!
This is such a long and draining process but God's promise to walk with us every way has been what we have relied on to make it through this horrible tragedy. As much as I hurt, I am also grateful for the blessings. For our family there are big rays of sunshine coming through as I follow the guidance I have in my heart from God even if no one else understands. I am sure that Mary's family was not so happy their daughter was pregnant and they probably took a lot of criticism at that time. I'm here to do God's will and not my own or that of anyone else and somewhere in all this I forgot that. I have sought approval from those around me when in fact it is God's love and will that I should be doing. People will always talk about me or say nasty things but I know I am doing what God wants and that all of this is to help mold me into what he wants me to be. I think that being there for this family is one of my purposes so please pray for them and me so that I may help them walk this path...if George had not died I would not be able to do this...he is still touching lives now that he is gone and instead of living here he is living on in my heart and he shines through my eyes as I do the things God has planned for me. Thank you Lord for the sunshine in the storm!
If I could take away their pain, I would because I would not wish this hell on Earth to anyone. That being said, I know I can't so I am doing all I can do and just offering our services and prayers for them. We have signed up to take them a meal once a week on Monday's. I have also sent the mom emails and just keep letting her know I am here for her. I don't want to be a nudge but I also know that she won't ask since I didn't and you are just focused on surviving. Your live goes into survival mode and you feel like the rest of the world is spinning and going on while yours is staying still. I think of the road ahead for them and know how difficult it really is so I want to do anything I can to ease it because I just kept praying for someone to help me and give me guidance or just to hug me and listen to me talk about my son and the horrible events of the day. You often find that other people don't know how to do this and you forget they don't know what this is like and you would never wish it on them so you just have to rely on someone who really is able to be there and push you forward even when you are digging your heals in and trying to go back to your old life. I just want my old life back with my child in it so you want to turn around rather than to forward.
The resources and things I had to hunt for I have given them also because I don't want them to go through what we went through. I felt so alone when George died because people didn't know how to help or what to do so they did nothing. Everyone would tell me No one set up meals for us on a consistent basis, not even our church or extended family. There were individuals who did make a meal or bring something over but after his funeral the support started to disappear and that was when I needed it the most. I don't hold anyone at fault because I didn't know what I needed so that meant they didn't because no one had ever been through this before other than two people I know and they have disappeared from our lives all together. At the time this was all happening, I was quite angry and hurt by those that I felt I could count on and they didn't step up. Looking back now, I know how bitter I was about all of it and I couldn't look past my own pain to see theirs but I couldn't at the time. I was also shocked by the few who stepped out and helped that I didn't think would ever be there.
I was unable at the time to also see that God was there helping me by bringing little rays of sunshine because I was so lost in the storm of my grief. There was a lot of misplaced anger and things of that nature and people I hurt unintentionally and I have had to ask God to forgive me along with those who I am now aware that I hurt. I'm sure there are other people I have hurt unknowingly and I have asked God for their forgiveness to find their hearts and ask him that they can see how lost I was. This is the kind of thing that you can't prepare for or learn ahead of time. Yesterday I actually had one of our issues cleared up. I have been praying for this for so long! The clouds are starting to part a little and allow the sun to shine through all of the pain.
We had an altercation with a neighbor the day after George died. It has been one of the worst relationships I have ever had in my life. I've been praying for this to stop and have tried on several occasions to make peace with the neighbor only to have it end up in a fight of some nature. The kids have wanted to play with the little boy in the home but we have held them back for several reasons but mainly because of our issues with them. Two days ago the little boy came here and I didn't have a problem with it, I don't have and never have had an issue with the child but insisted that if the kids wanted to play that it had to be here. These kids had so much fun and I have to say it brought me back to being a kid myself and I had to start to rethink things. Yesterday, they wanted to go swimming in his pool at his house. Our pool was having issues and the air conditioner in Joshua's play house was not working so if the boys wanted to go outside and play it had to be in a pool or they had to have access to a pool.
I sucked up my pride and told the kids it was ok if Richard was willing to go and take the boys. They convinced him and I was in the middle of something so I told him to ask the neighbor first. Much to my dismay the kids came back and Michael was in tears and Richard was upset. He told me that it was a problem and that the neighbor gave him a hard time. Something in me said that I needed to go even though I didn't want to. This needed to be fixed for these kids sake. With that I got out of my PJ's and headed over there and with every single step I prayed to God to give me the right words. The neighbor met me on the sidewalk and definitely had attitude but I stayed calm and kept praying. I'm not the type of person to deal with confrontation and have always been the one to walk away so this is out of my character. She started talking at me, not yelling but with plenty of attitude and I just let her go and say what she needed to.
There were times I wanted to just say something and cop an attitude with her too but I didn't. I stayed calm and told her that I want to put things in the past for the kids sake and to move forward. With that I told her that I am a different person and that I apologize for anything that may have transpired between our families. I also explained that I don't even remember some of the stuff that was said or done and that we both have our own perception of what happened and that somewhere in the middle is where it truly is and no one was right or wrong and that we needed to just move forward for the kids. Her demeanor changed and her heart was softened and we were able to patch things up. I am still thanking God for his presence and work in this situation. AMEN God is Good!!!
We had recently gone to FL for a big family vacation. Things didn't go as well as they usually do and we wound up coming home two days early since the kids missed Hugh. Hugh was unable to go with us because they are doing inventory. It was so hard without him, especially since we flew and it was me with 4 kids on my own with all their stuff. During the trip all sorts of crazy things happened and it was really the worst trip we ever had but the kids had fun and enjoyed the company of the adults and were oblivious to what was going on. During our trip to Downtown Disney I saw the water fountain working and it has not worked since we went with George...every part of me wanted to cry! I know it sounds stupid but it is one of the last family pictures we have with him in it and it was such a happy time for us all. I thank God for that trip every single day and that we got to share that experience with him. He LOVED the water fountain and the Christmas lights that they had decorating all of Disney.
Those are memories I will forever cherish...and yet they also make me sad since I though we would be able to bring him back later. We had also eaten in the T-Rex restaurant for the first time with him and it was so awesome. This trip we did too and we took Gabby. She absolutely loved it and fell in love with the fish!!! Deep in my heart I could feel slight sadness for George but happiness because I could share that with her. We had to have her make her own dinosaur from their version of Build a Bear since all the kids have one but her. She named it Chi Chi after my cousin's Chihuahua that she fell in love with at my uncle in SC house. Although it was a rough trip there were also rays of sunshine that shone through and every single time I go there part of my heart heals a little more because I feel so close to my son there. It truly is for us The Happiest Place on Earth!
This is such a long and draining process but God's promise to walk with us every way has been what we have relied on to make it through this horrible tragedy. As much as I hurt, I am also grateful for the blessings. For our family there are big rays of sunshine coming through as I follow the guidance I have in my heart from God even if no one else understands. I am sure that Mary's family was not so happy their daughter was pregnant and they probably took a lot of criticism at that time. I'm here to do God's will and not my own or that of anyone else and somewhere in all this I forgot that. I have sought approval from those around me when in fact it is God's love and will that I should be doing. People will always talk about me or say nasty things but I know I am doing what God wants and that all of this is to help mold me into what he wants me to be. I think that being there for this family is one of my purposes so please pray for them and me so that I may help them walk this path...if George had not died I would not be able to do this...he is still touching lives now that he is gone and instead of living here he is living on in my heart and he shines through my eyes as I do the things God has planned for me. Thank you Lord for the sunshine in the storm!
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Me With My Prince Charming In Front of the Castle
