George's birthday is getting closer with each passing day. The only thing that I can think of is how three years ago he was safe and sound, alive, and in my womb. Now he is dead and my life is full of pain and such a huge hole in my heart where he took part when he left us here. This was not suppose to be our life...he was suppose to be here running around and he isn't. All that excitement of his arrival three years ago is now a time each year where I just have a sad feeling fill my heart because I remember what joy I had then but now it is all just pain. We have lost so much these past few years and no one will ever truly understand the extent of it all.
We did find out that this year our family will have something special happening on his birthday. Richard, Hugh, and I will be making our confirmation at our church. It came as such a surprise to find that it was scheduled on George's birthday. These moments when things like this happen, I know he is sending us signs that he is with us but it still hurts so bad when I think of how we should be having a birthday party but that won't be happening. I am glad however that this is the date we will make such a huge step in our faith and that we get to do this as a family. It will be very special and meaningful for us on so many levels, even now as I write this tears run down my face.
There are so many times that I wish I could visit him or just hear his laugh one more time. It hurts to think I can't even remember what his voice sounded like and how I never got to hear him say mommy or even just say his first word...we lost out on so many firsts and got dealt a whole year of firsts full of grief after he died. So often I have to just stuff my feelings away to be able to live but they always come back on such a greater scale. The closer we get to his birthday, the harder it is on me. Now I find myself crying in the shower or when I go to bed at night and even during the day there are times I just can't keep it together. I try to draw from my faith but sometimes I just don't know what God is thinking and feel it so unfair that we have had to endure all of this. Just three days before his birthday our house goes up for auction...how is that fair??? Why in the world do we have to endure this all right now. I'm trying to stay strong but every single part of me wants to just fall to pieces.
As we get closer to the 9th please pray for all of us...it isn't easy for any of us. I miss my little boy so much and my heart just hurts so bad right now. I know I need all the prayers I can to make it through this horrible time in my life...I know this will just be the way it will always be for me but I know God will get me through the moments when I want to just die and be with him so that I can still be here and do what I am being called to do. God's will is not always easy but it is also the road that will eventually lead me to my son again some day.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Third Day - Agnus Dei
This was played at George's service by my brother in law and it has always had a profound impact on me whenever I hear it. It brings me to the very moment when I felt God's presence during communion at our son's life celebration. I know He was with me during the most difficult time in my life...the day I burried my son and had to completely let him go to God. We are however coming up on what I call our season of grief that starts with his birthday and ends in February around when we had to completely release him into God's loving arms. Please pray for us as we go through this because this past year it was just horrible and I need to get back to that place where I find comfort in knowing he is with God rather than utter pain and saddness that he is gone from my arms.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
September 09...George's Birthday
As some of you know, George's birthday is coming up. George was born 09/09/09 and every year we try to do something special on his birthday to celebrate the blessing he was to our lives and the joy he brought to our family that day he joined it. I've been tossing around ideas as to what to do and I think I'm going to ask people to preform a random act of kindness in his name like we did last year. I've set up a Facebook event where you can leave comments on what you chose to do in his memory. We had very few people leave us comments last year and it was hard because we were hoping to read them on his birthday and know that he was being thought of and still changing the world so I am asking again that you take just a few seconds to leave a comment on the facebook page or here on his page.
We are also asking that if you feel it in your heart to send a card to the house so we can open them on his birthday, that would be greatly appreciated. If they arrive early we will just make a pile and open them as if we would open a gift. Also, should you find any monkey themed items, we always love to get them and the kids are always so excited to get packages/gifts in the mail, even if they are for their brother. These items can be sent to : The Garman Family 7 Ellis Avenue, Lumberton, NJ 08048 George's sibblings are young and still feel he deserves a gift/cards and I have to say it helps us all as we celebrate here on Earth without George here with us on such a special day.
Last but not least we are also going to begin to collect toiletries so we can continue the now yearly tradition of making Christmas stockings for the homeless at a local soup kitchen. This past Christmas was the first time we did this but it was so successful and helped us to get through the holidays without George being here. We are also going to allow people to sponsor a stocking again this year in honor/memory of someone who has touched their own life. If you would like a little blurb added about the person who you are sponsoring the stocking in honor/memory of we will gladly place it inside the stocking so they can be recognized/remembered by those who's life they touched with this simple gift. Sponsoring a stocking will be $5 again this year and donations can be made through the paypal account listed at the right.
We thank you all well in advance!!!
We are also asking that if you feel it in your heart to send a card to the house so we can open them on his birthday, that would be greatly appreciated. If they arrive early we will just make a pile and open them as if we would open a gift. Also, should you find any monkey themed items, we always love to get them and the kids are always so excited to get packages/gifts in the mail, even if they are for their brother. These items can be sent to : The Garman Family 7 Ellis Avenue, Lumberton, NJ 08048 George's sibblings are young and still feel he deserves a gift/cards and I have to say it helps us all as we celebrate here on Earth without George here with us on such a special day.
Last but not least we are also going to begin to collect toiletries so we can continue the now yearly tradition of making Christmas stockings for the homeless at a local soup kitchen. This past Christmas was the first time we did this but it was so successful and helped us to get through the holidays without George being here. We are also going to allow people to sponsor a stocking again this year in honor/memory of someone who has touched their own life. If you would like a little blurb added about the person who you are sponsoring the stocking in honor/memory of we will gladly place it inside the stocking so they can be recognized/remembered by those who's life they touched with this simple gift. Sponsoring a stocking will be $5 again this year and donations can be made through the paypal account listed at the right.
We thank you all well in advance!!!
Friday, August 10, 2012
Missing You
I miss you so much Little Monkey!
Not many people know that I had a spot on my wall at our old house for your handprint but we never got to put it there...after you died I put a dragonfly on the stem of the flower I had painted and left open for you! When I read this I thought of that and how sad it is to me you didn't get to add yours and now all your big brothers are gone too:o(
Bad Days
I can't really say why I have been having such horrible days but I have been having them. Often times you can't see on the outside how much I am dying on the inside. I've gotten so good at faking it that by a simple glance you would think there is nothing wrong with me. Little do most people I know or see in a day know, inside I am just dying. Almost three years later, it is just as hard as when I let him go, I've only got better at putting away the pain for longer periods of time. The kicker is when it comes back and I can no longer control it, I am a mess for such a long time even if it is just inside of me or that I cry in the shower or in bed as I attempt to go to sleep.
This is when I miss having my own house the most. There I was able to just be open with my feelings without having to having to answer as to why I am just not myself...God sometimes I don't even know other than I feel often that my life sucks and I am tired of being in this living hell. God, if I said that now, I would face some sort of lecture as to how I have to look on the possitive side or how I need to be strong for my other children. My son is dead and although children die every day and there are worse situations, mine is pretty shitty and I get to have my moments when I feel that way. To me it is the worst. This of course doesn't come only from those I live with but also others around me on a less common basis or those who don't even know me at all. If I could wipe some of these damn sayings out of people's vocabulary, I would!!!
One of the other main reasons I miss my house was because that was the one place I felt my son's presence. I could go to his room and just sit for a while and feel like I was with him and now that is all gone...I feel him no where at all and that just kills me inside. No one will ever know how hard it is to look out the back door and know the one place he was, I am never allowed back to. Its been about a year since we have moved in with my parents and "leaving it all behind" has not helped one bit and rather has been worse for me than living there was. It may sound stupid to some but not to me...that was the place I brought all of my children home to and the home my husband and I built together litterally and figuratively. It was the one place where we could let our walls down and be the people we are without fear of judgement. All of that is gone...my son is now gone again. I HATE to even drive by the house because it causes so much pain in my heart. When I am caught looking at it from the back door here I am told to "stop eating my heart out"...ugh...another phrase I would like to oblitorate!
We are heading into another season of difficult times and I am just dreading them because I don't feel as if we can grieve for the things we have lost in a way we need to. Last year I tried to get through it by taking anxiety meds and that shure as hell didn't do anything but get people calling me a drug addict. Little did they know, all I wanted was to escape the pain and anxiety that they have no real idea about. I was willing to try anything!!! When I got to February, I got asked when I was going to get over this "first it was his birthday, and then it was the holidays, and then it was his death date and now you still aren't over it" . Really??? Unless you can bring my son back from the dead this whole season is going to be difficult, all the way up until and mabe even past the day I burried him, and I am not going to get over it anytime soon. No mother, or father for that matter, should have to watch the horror unfold before their eyes as their child dies unexpectedly with such trauma. If I could erase the memories of that awful day, God knows I would because I keep reliving it over and over again by no choice of my own but rather the lingering anxiety that comes with a traumatic situation. All I can say is be me and then we will talk.
This past week has had me going back and thinking of George and how much I miss him and hurt. It is the anniverssary of us loosing the only place I knew as his home and is followed up by his birthday, the holidays, his death date, the horrible days in between, and his burrial date...all the days that suck! It always seems as if you just finally get a grips on the one date and the next one is there making you start all over again. This will only be my third attempt at facing these days and trying to figure out how to get through them as much in tact as possible. Yeah, I know I have to deal with it every day so it seems like I've had more time but think about your own family and if you were missing someone how you would feel worse on certain days that were special to you. The other part is that so often people forget that Hugh was his father and deserves some slack from time to time. Even if his feelings/actions may seem completely wrong, they may be right for him or they are his truth. He deserves just as much respect and support as the kids and I do and yet he is the one they easily redicule or tease without any thought as to why he would do/say something or his feelings.
I really do ask that you pray for me, for us, and for the children. On my end, I am hurting so badly inside and even if the kids or Hugh aren't feeling the same thing, that doesn't mean they don't feel it through me. I've already talked to Richard and he is having his own issues himself right now when it comes to his brothers death. The two of us have both felt the lack of ability to truly show our feelings to others even if we are really only feeling inside that others don't understand. This may very well not be the actual truth but it is our truth, the way we see it and as any therapist would tell you, you have to deal with the person's truth as if it is because for that person that is exactly what it is. For now I just ask you pray for us all but especially me as I find it harder and harder to keep my emotions in check...three years ago he was in my womb safe and sound, happy and playful, and now instead of running around with his siblings, he is gone with very little knowledge of this world he was suppose to share. For now, I just pray that these bad days go away soon!
This is when I miss having my own house the most. There I was able to just be open with my feelings without having to having to answer as to why I am just not myself...God sometimes I don't even know other than I feel often that my life sucks and I am tired of being in this living hell. God, if I said that now, I would face some sort of lecture as to how I have to look on the possitive side or how I need to be strong for my other children. My son is dead and although children die every day and there are worse situations, mine is pretty shitty and I get to have my moments when I feel that way. To me it is the worst. This of course doesn't come only from those I live with but also others around me on a less common basis or those who don't even know me at all. If I could wipe some of these damn sayings out of people's vocabulary, I would!!!
One of the other main reasons I miss my house was because that was the one place I felt my son's presence. I could go to his room and just sit for a while and feel like I was with him and now that is all gone...I feel him no where at all and that just kills me inside. No one will ever know how hard it is to look out the back door and know the one place he was, I am never allowed back to. Its been about a year since we have moved in with my parents and "leaving it all behind" has not helped one bit and rather has been worse for me than living there was. It may sound stupid to some but not to me...that was the place I brought all of my children home to and the home my husband and I built together litterally and figuratively. It was the one place where we could let our walls down and be the people we are without fear of judgement. All of that is gone...my son is now gone again. I HATE to even drive by the house because it causes so much pain in my heart. When I am caught looking at it from the back door here I am told to "stop eating my heart out"...ugh...another phrase I would like to oblitorate!
We are heading into another season of difficult times and I am just dreading them because I don't feel as if we can grieve for the things we have lost in a way we need to. Last year I tried to get through it by taking anxiety meds and that shure as hell didn't do anything but get people calling me a drug addict. Little did they know, all I wanted was to escape the pain and anxiety that they have no real idea about. I was willing to try anything!!! When I got to February, I got asked when I was going to get over this "first it was his birthday, and then it was the holidays, and then it was his death date and now you still aren't over it" . Really??? Unless you can bring my son back from the dead this whole season is going to be difficult, all the way up until and mabe even past the day I burried him, and I am not going to get over it anytime soon. No mother, or father for that matter, should have to watch the horror unfold before their eyes as their child dies unexpectedly with such trauma. If I could erase the memories of that awful day, God knows I would because I keep reliving it over and over again by no choice of my own but rather the lingering anxiety that comes with a traumatic situation. All I can say is be me and then we will talk.
This past week has had me going back and thinking of George and how much I miss him and hurt. It is the anniverssary of us loosing the only place I knew as his home and is followed up by his birthday, the holidays, his death date, the horrible days in between, and his burrial date...all the days that suck! It always seems as if you just finally get a grips on the one date and the next one is there making you start all over again. This will only be my third attempt at facing these days and trying to figure out how to get through them as much in tact as possible. Yeah, I know I have to deal with it every day so it seems like I've had more time but think about your own family and if you were missing someone how you would feel worse on certain days that were special to you. The other part is that so often people forget that Hugh was his father and deserves some slack from time to time. Even if his feelings/actions may seem completely wrong, they may be right for him or they are his truth. He deserves just as much respect and support as the kids and I do and yet he is the one they easily redicule or tease without any thought as to why he would do/say something or his feelings.
I really do ask that you pray for me, for us, and for the children. On my end, I am hurting so badly inside and even if the kids or Hugh aren't feeling the same thing, that doesn't mean they don't feel it through me. I've already talked to Richard and he is having his own issues himself right now when it comes to his brothers death. The two of us have both felt the lack of ability to truly show our feelings to others even if we are really only feeling inside that others don't understand. This may very well not be the actual truth but it is our truth, the way we see it and as any therapist would tell you, you have to deal with the person's truth as if it is because for that person that is exactly what it is. For now I just ask you pray for us all but especially me as I find it harder and harder to keep my emotions in check...three years ago he was in my womb safe and sound, happy and playful, and now instead of running around with his siblings, he is gone with very little knowledge of this world he was suppose to share. For now, I just pray that these bad days go away soon!
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
George is a Cousin Again!!!
Talia Michelle is here!!! 10lbs 4ozs 22 inches!!!
Yes you read that right!!!
I am sure that George met her before she was sent to bless our family!!!
Pain of All Kinds
Lately, George's loss has been so hard. Every moment of every day is full of sadness deep in my heart even when my face says differently. Whenever we do something fun, I want him with us and can feel that hole in my heart just throb with pain. Events from the past few weeks have not made it any easier as we had many family things that make me wish he was with us. I have also been plagued by feelings of even deeper heartache as I have come to face ridicule and pain from find out others have been talking about me behind my back about a lot of things. If only they could walk a moment in my shoes the would understand. I've been called a failure and said to be a moocher(that of course is boiling it down to the simplest meaning behind what has been said), all of which just hurts so bad because no one knows the REAL truth. Hugh has also been feeling a lot of this pain and had a bad day on Monday. So often we both feel trapped in hell and moments like these add to the fire.
I've been thinking about George a lot too because we hit the two and a half year mark on Sunday. It was hard because we were at a family get together where I felt so out of place and had to not show my breaking heart. Hugh and I both sat in a corner table trying to just keep it together and stay out of the way for so many reasons. I was so relieved when the day was over and we could just go home and to bed. So many nights I cry myself to sleep because I know I can't do much of that during the day. Often I am told that I owe it to my other children or that I need to be happy I have other children and so many other things that just want to scream...be me and see how well you do!
My sister is also having her baby today. She uses the same docs I do and is headed in for a csection just like I have had with my kids. Whenever I think of her, I think of the day I had George and the joy we had that day as we held him and got to love him in our arms rather than in my womb, not even knowing his/our fate. Hugh and I have both been feeling that pull on our hearts again to have our last child. Since this will be our last, I don't want it to be one where I'm full of hurtful emotions from others who don't want us or feel we should have anymore children. Every single one of my pregnancies has been full of that and I don't want that. The odd part is that I know that no matter how it happens or when, we will be met with tons of this yet again but yet I keep holding out. No one knows how we know it is part of God's plan for us. Gabby's pregnancy was full of so many up and down emotions and we both want to just enjoy this last baby in such a different way. We needed Gabby and I know that is exactly what is happening with this last child of ours that will someday be...it is a calling but also a need. No one can ever replace George nor do any of our children live in his shadow but I believe that not only are they a calling from God but also a way for us to heal and find strength and happiness that we have yet to know.
All of this is so hard. I don't understand God's purpose in it all but I have to trust in his will for our lives. We have been attending a grief/loss group at a local church and it has been very interesting and helpful in a very unique way. I'm sad to know that it is coming to and end in two weeks and wish it could be something we had all the time. The group of people that attend are wonderful and yet small. We all support one another and are there for one another in just a different way than other support groups we have been to. The kids attend at the same time we do and they all love it too. I find it so interesting that strangers can be more supportive than some family. Not all of my family is judgmental and supportive and I am so thankful for those who are not. These people have in someway become part of our extended family and feel the ability to talk openly without holding anything back. They are what we draw from when the hard stuff becomes too hard. Those of you who read this and have been supportive, non judgmental, don't talk negatively behind our backs, and are just there, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts, even if you are not related biologically, for you have no idea what you bring to our lives.
I've been thinking about George a lot too because we hit the two and a half year mark on Sunday. It was hard because we were at a family get together where I felt so out of place and had to not show my breaking heart. Hugh and I both sat in a corner table trying to just keep it together and stay out of the way for so many reasons. I was so relieved when the day was over and we could just go home and to bed. So many nights I cry myself to sleep because I know I can't do much of that during the day. Often I am told that I owe it to my other children or that I need to be happy I have other children and so many other things that just want to scream...be me and see how well you do!
My sister is also having her baby today. She uses the same docs I do and is headed in for a csection just like I have had with my kids. Whenever I think of her, I think of the day I had George and the joy we had that day as we held him and got to love him in our arms rather than in my womb, not even knowing his/our fate. Hugh and I have both been feeling that pull on our hearts again to have our last child. Since this will be our last, I don't want it to be one where I'm full of hurtful emotions from others who don't want us or feel we should have anymore children. Every single one of my pregnancies has been full of that and I don't want that. The odd part is that I know that no matter how it happens or when, we will be met with tons of this yet again but yet I keep holding out. No one knows how we know it is part of God's plan for us. Gabby's pregnancy was full of so many up and down emotions and we both want to just enjoy this last baby in such a different way. We needed Gabby and I know that is exactly what is happening with this last child of ours that will someday be...it is a calling but also a need. No one can ever replace George nor do any of our children live in his shadow but I believe that not only are they a calling from God but also a way for us to heal and find strength and happiness that we have yet to know.
All of this is so hard. I don't understand God's purpose in it all but I have to trust in his will for our lives. We have been attending a grief/loss group at a local church and it has been very interesting and helpful in a very unique way. I'm sad to know that it is coming to and end in two weeks and wish it could be something we had all the time. The group of people that attend are wonderful and yet small. We all support one another and are there for one another in just a different way than other support groups we have been to. The kids attend at the same time we do and they all love it too. I find it so interesting that strangers can be more supportive than some family. Not all of my family is judgmental and supportive and I am so thankful for those who are not. These people have in someway become part of our extended family and feel the ability to talk openly without holding anything back. They are what we draw from when the hard stuff becomes too hard. Those of you who read this and have been supportive, non judgmental, don't talk negatively behind our backs, and are just there, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts, even if you are not related biologically, for you have no idea what you bring to our lives.
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Me With My Prince Charming In Front of the Castle
