Will there ever be a day without sadness?
Will there ever be a day that I don't want to cry?
Will there ever be a day when I will be able to look at your picture and smile rather then be sad?
Will there ever be a day that the immages of that terrible day will leave my mind?
Will there ever be a day that seeing a monkey somewhere doesn't make me sad knowing I would have bought it for you?
Will there ever be a day when I don't feel as if part of me is missing?
Will there ever be a day that looking at other babies that are the age you would have been not make my heart feel so heavy?
Will there ever be a day when holidays and big life events don't feel incomplete?
Will there ever be a day where heavy footsteps don't send me into a panic attack?
Will there ever be a day when I won't worry that I will wake up again and be living the nightmare all over again with one of your brothers?
Will there ever be a day when I ever get over the fact that I always knew you would leave before I would?
Will there ever be a day when the memory of your birth does not make me think of your death?
I don't really know the answers to any of those questions but I do now I will be with you again someday and no matter how much pain I live with the rest of my life, it will not compare to the the joy I will have the day we are brought together again.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Greater Plans
I don't know how many of you ever anticipated your lives to be what they currently are. Are they better then you ever thought or worse? Dispite if you thing it is worse or better I am sure that it is not exactly what you had anticipated. That is the same thing that I think every single time I look at my life. Sometimes it was from decisions of my own and others I just had no control over.
I have really thought about this a lot lately due to the same question that we all have at some point in our lives...Why? I've been very upset with how things have gone in my life, especially the things that I have no control over. Yes,I had control over dating my exhusband but I never anticipated him being arrested and going to prison that eventually lead to divorce. I never wanted that for myself or my son. My heart broke and still carries much animocity due to the shattered dreams he left in my life. You can move forward and put yourself aside but that does not fix the wake of distruction that was left behind. All I ever wanted was to get married, be a mom, and live happily ever after. No one ever mentioned the fact that farytales don't exist in real life.
Then I finally got out of a horrible situation that I never wanted for my life and decided I needed to get back on track. That is when I met Hugh. He taught me that I deserved more in my life and that I had to love myself before I could love someone else. I have to want the person in my life, not need them. In many ways we both grew up a lot during the beginning part of our relationship. For so many reasons I am greatful for that very fact. I remember at that time it was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life but knew it all had to be done. Through all of it I learned independence and the fact that I can stand on my own two feet and be a strong person and yet still not walk all over people and how to put my child's needs before my own.
The house we had bought together was just a nightmare. I lost my job shortly after we had bought it which posed it's own set of obstacles. That was the first time I was ever let go from a job and I was devistated. The house required tons of work we didn't anticipate having to do. There was tons of money we did not have but had to find a way to get. Even when we were at a big low, there were still people willing to take advantage of us and screw us over for their benefit. That was also our first experience of needing to ask for help and also finding out who was really there for us in the end. It was a daunting task that lasted months more then we ever had expected.
During that time we got married and found we were pregnant with Joshua. Even after the whole divorce and house issue I felt that we were finally on track yet again. We had overcome all those obstacles that no one else we ever knew had to do what we had to do. Life was going just as it should or at least that is what we thought. Joshua was born and life couldn't have been any better. Things weren't perfect but they were surely managable. A few months after he was born our world was turned upside down when he had is first seizure. That sent us on this journey that we never expected to be going though.
We got criticism from friends and family who just didn't understand the situation we were in. They had never experienced the feelings and thought we were making bad decisions. That taught me to never judge someone because I don't know how and where they have been. That is also when I learned to trust my own instincts and that I can't make everyone else happy because that is not possible. I also began the path to learn that God will give me the guidance and let me know what and when things are right. Yet again we had no money and had to rely on others to help us get Joshua the medical care he needed. That is such a humbling experience. Hugh worked his butt off at two full time jobs and yet still we had pleanty of unhappy people around us but knew this is what we needed to do.
Then Michael came along. He brought his own set of obstacles to our lives. He always made me question myself. It was hard to hug him since from a young age he was not very affectionate. He had pretty nasty tummy issues and was always doing things I just didn't understand. Most of this was explained when we suspected him having the same disorder Joshua had but he was the healthy one...no seizures...did the stuff he was suppose to do. I just didn't understand it all.
I then went and got my certification for coding so that I could help out with the payment of bills. Finally people began to forgive me for not going to college now that I had a certification in something. I could always tell people were disappointed in me and it made me realize how I did not want to treat others. Their expectations for my life were more then I had ever wanted for myself. I just never saw myself the way they did and in many reguards still don't.
One thing I have learned though this all is that it doesn't matter what someone else wanted for me or even what I wanted for myself, it is what God wants for me. Many times I have sat there wondering what in the world he is thinking. I was the kid that hated doctors growing up. I hid under the table and called the doctor a quack. When I went to the orthopedic for my crazy hips, I screamed and cried and never let him near me. Now I am going to be in a room full of medical staff teaching them about the very disease that my children live with every day and the one that took my little boys life. Never would I have chosen that for myself but yet I feel the need to do it.
I look at my little boy's picture not understanding why God took him from me but I know he had a greater purpose. It doesn't make the pain any less and I hurt every single day that I am appart from him. I feel compelled to do right by him and keep his memory alive and thriving rather then letting it die with him. If I just sat back and felt sorry for myself because of all my life trials, I should have just laid down with him and died that day. I am better then that because God gives me the strength to take another breath and fulfill a much greater purpose. His greater plan.
It still amazes me to look at other people that I knew growning up who I always thought were better then I was. They all had much more potential and it was apparent that others thought that too. I envied them for so many things and wished I could be like them. Now, I look at those same people and realize their individual weeknesses and am greatful that God does have unanswered prayers.
I still don't understand why he took my little boy as I prayed over him when he was handed to me. I remember crying out asking him to please fix him and give him back to me as I watched the hospital staff working on him doing chest compressions and placing lines. In the back of my mind God had already told me his job was done but mine wasn't. I don't understand that unanswered prayer but I know it is all part of that greater plan somehow someway.
I feel so overwhelmed and taken back that he would choose me. Many times I understand why so many of his followers turned from the job he wanted them to complete. It is scary and hard and painful. Many times you want to just curl up in a ball and forget your calling...it is much easier to do that. We all have those moments. It is easy to hide behind addictions or actually make excuses to accept the things we know are wrong. In a way we get so far from where we are called(much like Jonah) that we look at our lives and can barely recognize it.
Then the entire thing comes crashing in and you can't do anything but sort through the rubble looking for some assemblance of life and a way to start over(very much like hurricane or earth quake victims) You seem so lost and devestated that all you see is the destruction rather then the prospects that await you once you have sorted through it all and rebuilt. No it will never be what you knew but so much good can always come out of tradgedy. Unfortunately, sometimes that is the only way we listen or sometimes it is the only way others will listen and there has to be sacrifice somewhere for the greater good.
I don't know if that is what my angel was meant to do but I know I have a greater calling dispite how painful it may be for me and how difficult it may be to do. For the longest time I had been trying hard to do it and no one would listen. Maybe it took my son's life to save others, I will never know but maybe that was part of God's greater plan for my little boy!
I have really thought about this a lot lately due to the same question that we all have at some point in our lives...Why? I've been very upset with how things have gone in my life, especially the things that I have no control over. Yes,I had control over dating my exhusband but I never anticipated him being arrested and going to prison that eventually lead to divorce. I never wanted that for myself or my son. My heart broke and still carries much animocity due to the shattered dreams he left in my life. You can move forward and put yourself aside but that does not fix the wake of distruction that was left behind. All I ever wanted was to get married, be a mom, and live happily ever after. No one ever mentioned the fact that farytales don't exist in real life.
Then I finally got out of a horrible situation that I never wanted for my life and decided I needed to get back on track. That is when I met Hugh. He taught me that I deserved more in my life and that I had to love myself before I could love someone else. I have to want the person in my life, not need them. In many ways we both grew up a lot during the beginning part of our relationship. For so many reasons I am greatful for that very fact. I remember at that time it was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life but knew it all had to be done. Through all of it I learned independence and the fact that I can stand on my own two feet and be a strong person and yet still not walk all over people and how to put my child's needs before my own.
The house we had bought together was just a nightmare. I lost my job shortly after we had bought it which posed it's own set of obstacles. That was the first time I was ever let go from a job and I was devistated. The house required tons of work we didn't anticipate having to do. There was tons of money we did not have but had to find a way to get. Even when we were at a big low, there were still people willing to take advantage of us and screw us over for their benefit. That was also our first experience of needing to ask for help and also finding out who was really there for us in the end. It was a daunting task that lasted months more then we ever had expected.
During that time we got married and found we were pregnant with Joshua. Even after the whole divorce and house issue I felt that we were finally on track yet again. We had overcome all those obstacles that no one else we ever knew had to do what we had to do. Life was going just as it should or at least that is what we thought. Joshua was born and life couldn't have been any better. Things weren't perfect but they were surely managable. A few months after he was born our world was turned upside down when he had is first seizure. That sent us on this journey that we never expected to be going though.
We got criticism from friends and family who just didn't understand the situation we were in. They had never experienced the feelings and thought we were making bad decisions. That taught me to never judge someone because I don't know how and where they have been. That is also when I learned to trust my own instincts and that I can't make everyone else happy because that is not possible. I also began the path to learn that God will give me the guidance and let me know what and when things are right. Yet again we had no money and had to rely on others to help us get Joshua the medical care he needed. That is such a humbling experience. Hugh worked his butt off at two full time jobs and yet still we had pleanty of unhappy people around us but knew this is what we needed to do.
Then Michael came along. He brought his own set of obstacles to our lives. He always made me question myself. It was hard to hug him since from a young age he was not very affectionate. He had pretty nasty tummy issues and was always doing things I just didn't understand. Most of this was explained when we suspected him having the same disorder Joshua had but he was the healthy one...no seizures...did the stuff he was suppose to do. I just didn't understand it all.
I then went and got my certification for coding so that I could help out with the payment of bills. Finally people began to forgive me for not going to college now that I had a certification in something. I could always tell people were disappointed in me and it made me realize how I did not want to treat others. Their expectations for my life were more then I had ever wanted for myself. I just never saw myself the way they did and in many reguards still don't.
One thing I have learned though this all is that it doesn't matter what someone else wanted for me or even what I wanted for myself, it is what God wants for me. Many times I have sat there wondering what in the world he is thinking. I was the kid that hated doctors growing up. I hid under the table and called the doctor a quack. When I went to the orthopedic for my crazy hips, I screamed and cried and never let him near me. Now I am going to be in a room full of medical staff teaching them about the very disease that my children live with every day and the one that took my little boys life. Never would I have chosen that for myself but yet I feel the need to do it.
I look at my little boy's picture not understanding why God took him from me but I know he had a greater purpose. It doesn't make the pain any less and I hurt every single day that I am appart from him. I feel compelled to do right by him and keep his memory alive and thriving rather then letting it die with him. If I just sat back and felt sorry for myself because of all my life trials, I should have just laid down with him and died that day. I am better then that because God gives me the strength to take another breath and fulfill a much greater purpose. His greater plan.
It still amazes me to look at other people that I knew growning up who I always thought were better then I was. They all had much more potential and it was apparent that others thought that too. I envied them for so many things and wished I could be like them. Now, I look at those same people and realize their individual weeknesses and am greatful that God does have unanswered prayers.
I still don't understand why he took my little boy as I prayed over him when he was handed to me. I remember crying out asking him to please fix him and give him back to me as I watched the hospital staff working on him doing chest compressions and placing lines. In the back of my mind God had already told me his job was done but mine wasn't. I don't understand that unanswered prayer but I know it is all part of that greater plan somehow someway.
I feel so overwhelmed and taken back that he would choose me. Many times I understand why so many of his followers turned from the job he wanted them to complete. It is scary and hard and painful. Many times you want to just curl up in a ball and forget your calling...it is much easier to do that. We all have those moments. It is easy to hide behind addictions or actually make excuses to accept the things we know are wrong. In a way we get so far from where we are called(much like Jonah) that we look at our lives and can barely recognize it.
Then the entire thing comes crashing in and you can't do anything but sort through the rubble looking for some assemblance of life and a way to start over(very much like hurricane or earth quake victims) You seem so lost and devestated that all you see is the destruction rather then the prospects that await you once you have sorted through it all and rebuilt. No it will never be what you knew but so much good can always come out of tradgedy. Unfortunately, sometimes that is the only way we listen or sometimes it is the only way others will listen and there has to be sacrifice somewhere for the greater good.
I don't know if that is what my angel was meant to do but I know I have a greater calling dispite how painful it may be for me and how difficult it may be to do. For the longest time I had been trying hard to do it and no one would listen. Maybe it took my son's life to save others, I will never know but maybe that was part of God's greater plan for my little boy!
Monday, May 24, 2010
Empty
Missing you so much my little monkey. I just feel so empty and lost without you here. I can't help but wonder what life would be like if you were here. I know that this sadness would not be here and that would be a blessing. No one really gets how great of a losss it is for me to not have you here with me. You were MY gift and a huge part of me, we just had that connection, and I miss it so much. It hurts so bad to finally have something that was just for me and then without warning ripped away. I know you are in an awsome place but I cannot think of a better place then with me dispite what everyone else tells me. They keep telling me time will heal but I just cannot believe that right now. It is like telling an amputee that they will be able to walk again some day. Yes they may be able to get a "artificial" limb but it will never be the same and will never work the way the original did. The person will never be "whole" again even if they can function well. I miss you so much my angel and wish I could see your smile and hold you again but I know it will have to wait for a while. Hugs and kisses from mommy!
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Me With My Prince Charming In Front of the Castle
