George Charles Garman 09/09/09 to 01/29/10

January 29, 2010 our world was turned upside down when our 4 month old little boy earned his wings after a battle with Mitochondrial Disease and awoke in the Lords loving arms.

"Life can not be measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away."

George's Guardian's of Grace Projects

Stocking project is now in full force collecting donations. We have a list of the items we can use. You can also choose to sponsor a stocking in memory or honor of someone else. We will include a paragraph or two in the cards we place in the stockings to let the recipient know about the person that means so much to you. Our paypal account is posted on this page and ready to take donations. Email us for a list of items needed or with any questions or information you would like included on a sponsored stocking/donation.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

"Normal" for an Angel Mom

Children are not supposed to die. Parents expect to see their children grow and mature. Ultimately, parents expect to die and leave their children behind. This is the natural course of life events, the life cycle continuing as it should. The loss of a child is the loss of innocence, the death of the most vulnerable. When a parent dies, you lose your past; when a child dies, you lose your future.

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow.

A husband who loses a wife is called a widower.

A child who loses his parents is called an orphan.

But there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is!

When you accept what has happened, you aren't acknowledging that it is okay but rather, that you know you must find a way to keep growing and living - even if you don't feel like it. Don't let grief be your constant companion. Realize that your grief is born out of unconditional love for your child and rejoice in that love which will never end. Embracing life again is not a sign that you have stopped missing your child, but an example of a love that is eternal.

This space is with me all the time it seems. Sometimes the empty space is so real I can almost touch it. I can almost see it. It gets so big sometimes that I can't see anything else.

What is Normal after your child dies?

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

Normal is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays, Christmas, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Passover.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything anymore.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is knowing your last name will not carry forward in future generations.

Normal is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.

Normal is staring at every boy who looks like they are my Son's age. And then thinking of the age he would be now. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in your life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in your heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of your "normal."

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child’s memory and their birthdays and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

Normal is going thru yet another special holiday, such as Christmas, and wishing it would hurry up and be over so you can get to a day that doesn’t take you to your knees with pain so horrible that you wish you were dead.

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my son loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.

Normal is still getting mail addressed to your deceased son, or to receive phone calls for him.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my son's name.

Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child.

Nothing compares. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare.

Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is trying not to cry all day, because you know your mental health depends on it.

Normal is realizing you do cry every day, in some of the strangest places. At work when you think of your child. In your car when you drive past children having fun. In a store when you see someone from the side or back that could be your child. In the toy department of a store when you remember the fun times you had with your child. At home when you set one less place setting at the dinner table. Crying in strange places – not at all for those that have lost a child.

Normal is walking past your son’s clothes that still lay on the bathroom floor after his last shower at home.

Normal is wondering if you have the strength this day to go thru your child’s things.

Normal is seeing your child’s friends grow up, get an education, make something of themselves, get married and have children, wondering what if.

Normal is seeing young ladies or young men that might have become your son-in-law or daughter-in-law, the parents of future grandchildren, and then realizing it will never be.

Normal is still listening to your child’s voice on the home answering machine, and sometimes, just to hear his voice again you call your home number.

Normal is beating yourself up day in and day out wondering if you had only done this or that, would your child have been in the place they were on that dreadful day.

Normal is looking at your child’s picture and wondering what if.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone except for someone else stricken with grief over the loss of their child.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, trying to see through the tears and to focus with what I need to do.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did the laundry or if there is any food.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have three children or two, because you will never see your child again, and yet when you say you have two children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed the dead child.

Normal is knowing you will never get over this loss, not in a day nor a million years.

Normal is having therapists agree with you that you will never "really" get over the pain and that there is nothing they can do to help you because they know only bringing your child back from the dead could possibly make it "better."

Normal is learning to lie to everyone you meet and telling them you are fine. You lie because it makes others uncomfortable if you cry. You've learned it's easier to lie to them then to tell them the truth that you still feel empty and it's probably never going to get any better -- ever.

And last of all...

Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal'

God My Heart Hurts

Tonight my heart is heavy and hurts as tears just run down my cheeks...God I need you right now. I miss my little boy and don't understand why he had to leave us. Every single part of me misses him and wants him back in my arms. I know life is not easy but why was I chosen to carry this hurt in life? I have been through so much and this just isn't fair. Why is he gone? Why did he have to die? Please ease my pain Lord, for every step I take is not an easy one and I want to be the best mom I can be for my other children. They deserve their mom and not the shell of a person that I have become as I put on that happy face while feeling so empty inside. I am really trying hard and need your help but the pain in my heart is just so great sometimes and I don't know where else to turn. You could have saved him, why didn't you? I pleaded with you to save his life as I watched him die before my eyes, did you hear me? Did I knot pray hard enough? I know I said that I wanted a little girl and not a little boy but I didn't mean it this way and I will forever feel bad because I remember that day I prayed to you for it. Never could I have ever imagined this pain or even begin to think my life would be like this. We are going through so much right now and I don't understand why. I know you see the bigger picture that I don't but why do we have to learn life lessons this way, IT ISN'T FAIR! WHY? WHY MY LITTLE BOY? There will probably never be a day that I will have any answers to that but I just pray for your presence in my heart and life especially as we come to the holiday season, something that used to bring such joy and now just brings pain. I need to live again, not just survive. I don't know how to do that but I know that with you beside me I will figure it all out but I am frustrated with the time it is taking me to get there. I want to be able to wrap my head around all of this and become a better person because of this. My son will not die in vain...I will become a better person for him, because of him, I can do this even though I don't want to have to do this. Please just give me the strength but for now please just hold me because "God my heart hurts"

What Makes a Mother

Awareness Day

Today is Infant loss awareness day. 1 in 4 will say goodbye to their child way to soon. This whole month is awareness month but often times it is overshadowed by breast cancer awareness. Although there is purpose behind that cause too, I feel more passionate about this and hate the fact that it is given very little recognition. As a mother of a child gone to soon, I have lit candles all day today remembering all the families missing a member and a child in heaven's playground. I wish that more people would recognize the importance of this day/month since it touches so many lives.

My mind of course goes to my monkey in heaven. I've missed him a lot lately, especially with the holidays around the corner and remembering his short little life while he was here. We were blessed to have him with us for Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas but it is also so hard to not feel his presence this time of year. I have yet found a good way to celebrate and incorporate him in some capacity without feeling a great sadness during these times that should be happy. I'm really trying to keep it all into perspective and still be the mom for my children that are here and living. This really is a difficult task to do sometimes but I know George would want that. I thank him for helping us to recognize that the small moments are really the big ones and the ones that matter the most.

It is so very hard to live your life constantly yearning for something you cannot have. I cannot have my son back and now need to learn to stop wanting that and rather live for what I do have. Giving up on a dream that you had for yourself and your life is so very hard but to keep grasping for something that cannot happen makes it hard for you to move forward and embrace the things that are yet to come. This does not mean I have to forget my son and what he meant to me but rather find a way to be grateful for the time I had with him rather than grieve the loss of my dreams for him and our family. Nothing is harder than giving up a dream but nothing is greater than embracing a gift either.

I don't want to live life without him but I don't have a choice in the matter and I have to learn to live without him here. It breaks my heart and he took piece of me with him but I also have found some inner strength and love that I did not know I had. All of my children are a blessing and God has chosen me to teach them about life and how to live. They have also each taught me something that God wanted me to learn. Right now he is teaching me a lot through Gabrielle and she has been such a blessing. In some ways she has taught me how to live again.

George's death devastated me and rocked me to my core. I wanted to die with him and could not find a way to live without him in my life. My pregnancy with Gabrielle gave me a reason to live and she continues to show me how much God loves me and how he is with me all the time. There is a different appreciation for life an a new way of looking at it all that came with her. As much as I am raising her, she is teaching me. I will still celebrate these moments and his life but now it will just have to be in a different way. Today I will remember all of those who are walking this path with us.

Thursday, October 13, 2011


"when a mother elephant loses her baby, they stand in a circle around her and allow her all the time she needs to grieve and mourn. They don't hurry her along, or push her to abandon the body. They stand in a circle and gently touch her with their trunks, a silent show of unwavering support.
Elephant mothers will stand with their babies for weeks, not eating or drinking, just holding them close and letting the reality that they are gone slowly settle in. And they are allowed that time by their family members." ~ unknown

Video Tributes/Celebration of Life Footage

Here is a link to a video tribute that was made by Richard's dad in memory of George. Get out your tissues!!/video/video.php?v=1360981185308&ref=mf

We Finally have footage from the service up and running:!/video/video.php?v=1368692138077&ref=mf!/video/video.php?v=1368733099101!/video/video.php?v=1368770540037

It is in 4 sections running about 17 mins each. If you were unable to attend, you can now see what you missed. We were so blessed to have everyone there with us in person and in spirit!

Me With My Prince Charming In Front of the Castle

Me With My Prince Charming In Front of the Castle