Below is a letter that I happened to read today on Facebook. It is from another mother to her friend about her experiences and feelings with faith. I really connected with this because I have so many of the same feelings that this mom went through.
Meyzel Santiago: Confessions of a Mother's Heart
My letter to a dear friend, Sarah Slack, in its entirety ...
Hi Sarah,First of all, I apologize for just writing you. This email is long overdue. But I'm sure you have more than enough on your plate to not twiddle around with your thumb waiting to get this email from me... haha!
I wanna say CONGRATULATIONS for everything that TEARS has thus far accomplished (i.e. exposure through SIFF, TEARS commercial, expansion of TEARS to 2 new states, the success of the NJ & Spokane Walk&Rock and everything else that's good coming your way) through your passion and unconditional love!Have I ever told you that from the day I met you, you've always had a peculiar effect on me wherein I tend to get emotional around you. Believe me when I say I am good at hiding my tears and pain... somehow the day Raquel left, I managed to still take the time to put a facade on when I'm around people in order to steer away awkwardness from others and spare my family from more heart wrenching pain. There's only been a handful who have seen me well up but very few have heard or seen me helplessly break down into tiny little shattered pieces. I usually do this in private, when I'm all by myself so no one can see. However, even without physically being with you now, I still get choked up from knowing that I'm sharing this with you. I've had a tendency to involuntarily put my guard down whenever I'm around you. Not sure what it is, maybe its because you have always exuded God's unconditional love within you. And every single time I feel His love, I just can't help but open up and cry.
You asked me for that long letter about Easter and I promised (and WARNED) you you'll be getting one. Be careful what you wish for because here comes your novel ....
Let me start by saying that Raquel's 1st year completely snuck up on me roughly about a month(ish or less) before the big day. I knew it was coming but I didn't think about it much, or maybe I was still in semi-denial and simply didn't WANT to think about it. Around early/mid-March, my bestfriend emailed asking where I was gonna be for Raquel's first Angel year. She wanted herself and 2 other girlfriends to be with me on the big day. That email caught me off-guard and hit me like a ton of bricks. It made me realize that it really did happen and its almost been a year now. I couldn't breathe and felt suffocated by the pain. I had meltdowns ... major ones and minis... I had meltdown after meltdown for weeks since the day I read the email. It made it even more difficult to be around Sephea and my Mama (grandmother). I didn't want them to see me cry knowing it would bring both of them pain to see me in tears and consequently, magnify my grief. I waited until they were asleep at night or when I was alone in the car to cry.
I finally left for the States, I believe on March 21st. I flew into CA to be with my family before going to Seattle. Even then, the pain grew stronger and this time I was at liberty to shed the tears since I had more time by myself. Hence, the pain worsened and the meltdowns intensified. It came to a point where it was so excruciating that I begged God to take me. I didn't want to take my own life (and never will) but I begged him to take my life. It was my deepest darkest hour and I could no longer take the agonizing thorn recklessly shoved in my heart. I sobbed all night and begged Him to take me with Him. I cried for hours and and hours. Throughout my grief, I continued to talk to Him. I must say that in spite of the heartache, still I did not feel the urge to get mad at Him. I kept on talking to Him and somehow my prayer for death became a plea for strength. Through that intense pain and pitch-black darkness, I somehow ended up proclaiming a vow that I will bear my cross and embrace my thorn with open arms everyday if I have to, if He promises me that I can be with Raquel someday in the paradise she had shown me last April '09.
[That's a whole other story, and this will end up being a trilogy if I told you the details of that "experience". Just to give you the gist, a few weeks after Raquel passed, the three of us (Sephea, Aaron and I) went to CA to get away and visit family and friends. It was still very hard on me for obvious reasons (though I tried not to show it on the outside). I had a lot of questions in my head, so many doubts, fears and worries. The biggest one was where she was now. Way back when, before I even had children, the rational side of me had, at times, questioned God's existence ... I wondered deep down if He really does exist but felt guilty about feeling that way. After Raquel left this earthly world, I started to have those doubts again about my Faith and belief system. However, I saw right through them, refused to listen to these tiny evil voices, refuted these doubts and flushed them down the toilet like the CRAP that they truly are!
Growing up, I was raised Roman Catholic. When Raquel passed, I was so scared where her spirit would go because she hasn't been baptized yet. The priest who blessed her earthly body the day she left, assured me that Raquel was going to Heaven... but I wasn't convinced, in the back of my mind I still wondered. Maybe he was just saying that to make me feel better when in reality maybe she was stuck in limbo like what we've been taught about unbaptized babies. See, Raquel didn't make it to her baptism. It was scheduled in June and was suppose to be a joint baptism with her older cousin Mia. I will try to cut this story short,. The night before we were heading back to Seattle ... Raquel was allowed to show me a glimpse of what Heaven feels like. It was the most peaceful, comforting, exhilarating experience I've ever had in my life. Something that no words can describe. In actuality the adjectives I used don't even give justice to what I experienced but they're the closest ones I could conjure to allow you to understand the beauty of that short yet vivid experience I had that night. I guess the simplest way to describe it is that I felt a small piece of heaven that night. From that time on, ALL of my doubts and fears of where she was bade my body, heart and mind goodbye. I spoke to a Benedictine monk and she told me that my tears which touched Raquel's face that day had baptized her.]
So back to my story... that night, I felt that I finally hit rock bottom, yet the bottom still gave in and I continued to keep falling down the pit. Recalling that 'heaven' I felt with Raquel, I no longer found this life to be enticing and fulfilling. I thought why would I want to stay behind in this world of sorrow and misery when I know what its like where my Raquel is. I want to be a part of that now. After that night, my aching heart remained heavy and the pain unbearable. I kept on crying to the Lord and offering my tears to Him. The day I had to go back to Seattle finally came, I didn't realize how much I actually dreaded that day until I was at the airport. It was one of the hardest days I had to face. I didn't expect the trip going back to be so emotionally draining and extremely difficult. As mentioned earlier, I am good at controlling the tears however, I was a train wreck that day. All that mastery of wearing my poker face went diving down the drain. I cried the whole time at the airport and had to wear my sunglasses inside because people started to stare at me. I tried to distract myself and come up with anything and everything that would keep me from crying, like counting sheep or remembering a joke or looking at some random person at the airport, but they were all pointless. There were rivers of tears on the plane ride back home. Hard as I tried, I couldn't get rid of the resilient pain that clung on to my heart like it was fighting for dear life. Not a second went by that I hadn't stopped crying. I cried the entire way back.
I got to Seattle about 5 days before her first year. Even then, the meltdowns snuck into the airplane with me and lingered with my sorrow. Her Angel Date is on April 3rd, this year it fell on Black Saturday. As you might expect, it was a very special yet excruciatingly sad day. Two girlfriends, along with my bestfriend from Kirkland, came up from Portland to be with me. The four of us crashed at my bestfriend's place. After celebrating her Angel date with some friends and Aaron's family, the girls and I chatted for a little bit. I went straight to my room shortly thereafter. I just wanted some alone time, again. It seemed like I wanted to isolate myself more and more during that time, even so when I was in California with my own family. True, I liked being around family and friends but I preferred to be by myself more so I can allow myself to cry ... cry until I couldn't cry anymore, which usually meant crying myself to sleep. I didn't want to be around anyone. I just wanted to be alone with Raquel and God. The facade was too exhausting to wear. I didn't want to cry in front of anyone either, I mean really, what could they do. There was nothing they could have done to make it better but to just watch me cry. Smiling and laughing was too much of an effort when I felt like a big part of me was dying inside. So I chose to be alone, I cried and prayed ... cried and prayed... offered my tears... and cried and prayed.
Finally, Easter Sunday came the next day. My bestfriend is part of the Lighthouse Christian Family Church in Bellevue and she asked us to join her for their Easter Service. Touching is an understatement for what the service had delivered to us. It was a very moving experience. We felt the strong presence of God in that gymnasium. From beginning until the end, everything about it pierced right into the core of my being.
The first part of the service was a video about Easter. There was an interviewer who asked random people on the streets if they knew what Easter was about. Majority of the people on that video had no clue why Easter was celebrated. There were younger individuals, corporate people, man and woman, young and old .... people from all walks of life. They first showed those who didn't know why we celebrate Easter. I remember this one lady in the video who looked so corporate and successful... when she was asked about Easter she said easter is about bunnies and egg hunt (which was also most of the other people's answers). The interviewer then told her its actually celebrating the Resurrection of Jesus Christ. She responded with annoyance and said "I don't believe in any of that," and walked away. The latter part of the video were the few believers who actually knew of Jesus. There were two individuals who struck me the most. Two men who were scruffy looking. In fact, one looked borderline homeless and the other definitely looked like he lived on the streets. When asked if they believed if Jesus rose from the dead and if they believe in Him at all, the homeless looking guy said with no hesitation, "Of course I do! Without him, I have nothing left in this world ... NOTHING! He's all I got! I will never stop believing. Until the day that I die, I will never stop believing!" When the other guy was asked, he responded in the same manner, "Of course! Who would die for me, my sins? Who would ever die for me like that? No one will ever do that for me again.... NO ONE ... will ever do that for me again..." He said it with such conviction that his words penetrated right into the depths of my soul.
Then there was the baptismal part of the service. There were four people getting baptized that day. Three of them were kids ranging from 10-17 years old. The last person was a man maybe in his late forties. Judging by his physical appearance, though he was wearing something casual, he looked prominent and wealthy (excuse me for being so blunt, but it was humbling to see that man talk about his Savior the way he did). Each of them were asked to say a story on why they decided to be baptized that day. When it was that man's turn, it was not just his story that struck me the most, but the love he had for God. He began by saying before he found God, he believed that He existed but he just never bothered to pay much attention to HIm. Everything was going so right in his life. He had healthy children, a wonderful wife, a great job. He had control over everything that was important in his life, and it was all going just as he wanted. His job was going so well that they sent him to Japan with his family to oversee the company there. He was doing well, so well that he got to a point where he was equipped enough to spin off and start his very own investment firm. His business was going great... everything in his life was just perfect. Then after a few hasty decisions, stupid moves and unnecessary mistakes later ... everything started to fall apart. In a blink of an eye everything was gone, just like that. It had gotten so bad that for a long while he couldn't find a job nor could he support his family. He had nothing left and no one to turn to but God. The day he found God was the day miracles in his life started to happen. Miracles not in a sense that he got his wealth and other worldly possessions back. But a greater miracle wherein no matter how hard life was, somehow God always made it better. The way he talked about God and his love for Him was so humbling and inspiring that you can't help but cry. There he was this grown 40 something year old man holding his tears back in front of a gymnasium full of people. Speaking so softly and gently with such humility and adoration for his Loving Omnipotent Father who saved his life! It was a very moving and humbling experience. He said, "I know what its like to have a lot and walk without God, and I know what its like to have nothing but walk with God. Why would I ever choose to live without Him again?" At the end of his story he said "Today, I choose to be baptized as an expression of my love to Him and to show Him my commitment!" When he was finally baptized outside, before the pastor dunked him into the water, he looked up to the heavens teary eyed, mouth quivering from his emotions and smiled. It was written all over his face, "Lord I love you and this is for you." It was such a powerful moment to witness.
After the service was over, I was so high in the Lord that I couldn't ask for anything more.
I felt like that service was what I needed to renew my strength! It was more than enough for me. I was happy and ready to go home with a strengthened heart. Little did I know that that wasn't even the highlight of my day - actually MY LIFE !!! The pastor had announced that if anyone wanted to be prayed for to go to the side of the stage to the prayer ministry. I told my two girlfriends, Liselle and Michelle, that I wanted the pastor to pray for me since it was Raquel's 1st year the day before. They both wanted to be prayed for as well. Upon getting up, my best friend Caroline (probably thinking we were getting ready to leave) came up to us and asked if I wanted the prayer ministry to pray for me (she had asked the pastor to pray for us). We told her that was our intention and walked over alongside of the stage. She introduced us to the pastor and the other 2 members of the prayer ministry. Mind you, I have never met these people before. This was the first time I've seen them. We talked for a brief moment - where are you from, how do you know Caroline ... you know, just the usual small talk. When he was ready to pray, he asked me for my prayer request. I gave him a number of things to pray for and he must've thought it was too long of a list because he smiled, chuckled a little bit and said "Well... it looks like you have a long list with you. But it sounds like the most important thing is to pray for your baby and for streghth, correct?" So I just nodded and smiled thinking its okay, as long as he gets to pray for my Raquel then I was more than happy. The service in in itself was enough to brighten up my day...or month even!
The prayer ministry typically just put their hand over the person as he/she is standing, and that's how they pray for them. Pastor Keith proceeded to tell the other two prayer ministries about my prayer request. When he turned to face me, instead of starting the prayer, he stopped and kept on talking to me. The conversation evolved from our short "small talk" into a little more personal and deeper conversation. I started getting choked up and had to hold back the tears as he was getting a more intimate into the conversation. I also noticed that as he was talking to me now, there was a drop of tear on each corner of his eyes. I remember wondering "Is this guy getting emotional or does he just have watery eyes?" I know it was kinda silly but I just didn't think he was crying because they were small drops, not to mention the fact that he doesn't know me from Adam and I wasn't emotional or anything like that AT ALL... there was just no reason for this man to cry. Then with utmost compassion, he said "I know you've had concerns in the past about where Raquel is," with overwhelming reassurance he said "She's in heaven. She's right next to Him now." At that point I had to gather every ounce of strength in my being not to cry. I also remember thinking, "Caroline must have told him I had concerns in the past that's why he felt the need to assure me". Although I already knew she was in heaven because of that past experience, it was still comforting to hear it from Pastor Keith ... something about the way he said it was very reassuring.
He kept going, at this point I noticed that the tears weren't just drops at the corner anymore but they were starting to trickle down his face. I thought "Wow, he really is crying." He proceeded to say more personal things that not even an average friend of mine would know, only someone very close to me would know. As his tears kept coming, he said, "Meyzel, I know that right from the start you have trusted in Him and believed in Him. You have not doubted Him." ... then he paused and tilted his head up like he was listening to something ... then as he looked straight into my eyes he said with obedience, "this isn't me talking right now. I mean, these aren't my words," while he was saying this his eyes and facial expression felt to me like he was saying -- you know this, right? He went on and said, "I'm just telling you what I'm hearing him say right now." As soon as he said this, I lost my composure and gave in to the tears. I started balling from that powerful feeling of His love. Pastor Keith went on and said "Its now time to take that trust that you've always had in Him, take it and let His will and your trust lead your life everyday from this day onward. Surrender yourself to Him. Surrender your trust, pain and everything else to Him. Give it all up," then he said, "Meyzel, you are very special."
Instead of standing up like everybody else he asked me, "I'm going to try something different and ask you sit down. This is a gesture of surrender, by doing so you are taking all of your strength, including the strength from your legs and surrendering it all to Him." So I sat down and all six of them, Pastor Keith, the 2 other ministries and my three friends were in a circle around me. I felt the strength of God's presence. The moment they raised their hands over me in prayer my mouth started moving uncontrollably. My two other girlfriends, Liselle and Michelle, were right in front of me. I know they haven't been exposed to this kind of thing so I felt very self conscious afraid they would think I was weird. I tried to clench my teeth so my mouth would stop moving rapidly. Then Pastor Keith's words lingered in my head, "Surrender yourself and give everything up to Him..." so I decided to let go. The moment I physically let go of all my muscles in surrender, my mouth started to move uncontrollably again.
When I opened my eyes, Pastor Keith was already in front of me right next to my friends. He then said "I don't know what your conversation has been with Him the past year. But He says its ok, its ok to talk to Him out loud in His presence right here right now in front of your friends and in front of us as witnesses. Its ok." Then I started talking to God, I felt His presence like He was there with the rest of us, it was so strong that it brings such joy in my heart writing about it now. I poured my heart out to Him. I thanked Him, I asked for forgiveness for the things I was ashamed of and the guilt I carried in my heart. I asked Him for the desires of my heart. I opened myself up to Him in front of my friends and strangers whom I've never met until that day.
When I opened my eyes, Pastor Keith was down on one knee with a bible in his hands. He said, "I want to read a passage to you, its Psalm 16 and its the last verse. I want to make sure I'm telling this to you right," then he closed his eyes for a few moments... once he opened them he said, "This is from Raquel. She is here with us. Although she was only three months and wasn't in this earth for that long, she wants you to know that this is what you have given her....
"Psalm 16:1111
You have made [e] known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Right hand, as Pastor Keith explained, means the right hand of the Father being Jesus Christ!
You wanna hear another surprising twist to this? After the service, the four of us went to brunch and started talking about our experience. We recounted that morning. We all went through it step by step, when I asked my friend what she told Pastor Keith thinking she mentioned my initial fear of Raquel being trapped in limbo. Much to her surprise she looked at me with a blank expression on her face and said she never said anything to him about it. I asked about all the other intimate details he knew of like my trust in God and how I handled my grief. She said the same thing. She said she didn't say anything except "... to pray for my friend because she lost her baby a year ago but finds comfort knowing she's in heaven. And that's it!" There was no way pastor Keith would have known about all these intimate details unless a very close friend, not just any friend, but someone who is extremely close to me told him about it. I guess one of my close friends did. Actually the closest friend I have ... God.
Lastly, Caro also said that since she has been a part of that church ... i think 5yrs, if I'm not mistaken, she has never seen someone asked to sit down nor talk during the prayer. In fact my two other girlfriends who also asked to be prayed for were both standing up when they had theirs. Looking back, I now see the significance of those 2 acts. Sitting down was an act of surrender ... reminding me to surrender everything to Him, reagardless of what it is I'm facing in life. Secondly, talking to Him in front of my friends and strangers taught me humility and taught me to keep talking to Him and proclaiming His love even in front of friends and strangers without any worries about what others might think. Ultimately, its all about Him and I and nobody else.
That was my Easter experience, the day which will always be the turning point of the rest of my life. Life still hasn't been a bed of roses but now I know that when I surrender something to Him, whatever it it ... impossible as it is ... if it is in His will, somehow He always finds a way.
I love you, Sarah. You're such an inspiration to me!!! Keep in touch
