So many Friday's have passed since we said goodbye to our sweet angel. I miss him so much. For whatever reason, I have been thinking of the times I used to hold him and he would suck his thumb and curl up under my chin as he just calmly laid on my chest. God do I miss that! I miss his smile and just the very joy that he would bring to my heart. He had my heart the day I saw him on that black and white screen in the doctors office when he just looked like a little blob with that little flicker of his heart. It is so hard to believe that was not really that long ago that his heart was still beating.
Four months later, it has not gotten any easier. So many people have said that it will get better but it seems to just be getting worse at times. The odd part is that I still have my faith and know that he is in heaven but that does not make it hurt any less. I've done a lot of bible study on my own lately and read some books written by people who have lost their children. It is hard to explain how there is just this overwhelming sadness whenver I think of him, because I just miss him so much. It still amazes me how in the moment of one second your life can be turned upside down. There are moments where I am completely fine and others where the world comes crashing down.
I had posted a letter that another mom had written. It truly hit home to me because I have had many of the same feelings. I won't cry in front of people unless it is certain people who I feel comfortable with. Many times it is just at night when I am alone in the quiet because that was our time. Most days I just put my happy face on and continue on my way, trying to make the best out of this new life that I now have to live. I feel terrible sometimes because I can get short with people...I just find that small talk is not feasable for me right now. It is like I have to pretend that small things matter when in fact they really don't. Life just has such a different meaning to me now and to be honest I am still trying to figure out what that is and how to live it.I am by nature an optomistic person who tries to always make a bad situation as good as possible but the human part of me just can't keep it up all the time.
One of the passages from the bible that has stayed with me has been that "Jesus died so he could have control over death" I've always taken for granite the fact that it is this way but at some point it wasn't. Then it made me wonder why in the world would God let his son die to save others. Somehow I answered my own question because I know how much knowing that George changed someones life means. For God it had to have been a very bitter sweet moment to watch his son die and yet know he was saving so many others in the process but he had to endure the pain of the loss of his own son. I have had people try and compare loosing a child to that of loosing a parent but I have to say that they are wrong. It is nothing alike, yes there is pain of a loss but your parent is suppose to go before you, your child isn't. God didn't give up his mom and dad, he gave up his son, paying the greatest price for the souls of others. Ironically, all of the worries of life just don't bother me anymore and I know that nothing could hurt worse then this so I know I can endure anything.
Another thing that I have had trouble with lately is the fact that George was not baptized. It may seem stupid to some people but having been raised Catholic, their teachings still stick with you even after you leave. They say that an unbaptized child stays in limbo forever and that keeps going over and over in my head dispite my logic and feeling in my heart that knows better. I'm so mad at myself for not baptizing him in November when I wanted to. I listened to family members who didn't want me to do it. Forever I will regret that fact. I had to sit there holding my dead baby while some strange minister baptized his body. Those immages will just never leave me. I never wanted his baptizm outfit to be the thing he was laid to rest in, that was suppose to be a joyous occasion, not the saddest one of my life, the last time I got to touch and hold his body and say good bye to my sweet gift from God.
Thankfully, I know I am not crazy for feeling this way because so many other parents who lost their children in the sudden tramautic manner, have felt the same if they were brought up with those same teachings. Reading that from another mother just relieved a ton of weight off my shoulder. I know that George was still there when he was baptized even though his little body had stopped working and his heart had stopped beating. By the time we saw him in the funeral home, his spirit was gone. I've never been more profoundly touched seeing someone after they have gone because it was never more apparent that there is such thing as a soul. If I had ever had a doubt, it was washed away that very moment that I saw him for the last time.
I keep trying to remember the good times and not the bad ones. It is so hard sometimes since the bad ones were the last ones I have of him. They bring nothing but sadness and anxiety. I have to say I was doing well for a while not having any panic attacks. That was until this morning. Richard left the gate open when he took the dog out and Michael escaped and started running downstairs. Hugh started to chase him so he wouldn't wake me up. Those heavy footsteps just sent my heart racing. It felt like my heart was going to come out of my chest. I had already had a bad night of sleep, and then after this, there was no way I was going back to sleep. The rest of my day was full of thoughts of my little monkey and how much I miss him. Friday's are so difficult for me, and ironically there are a lot of children who happen to go to heaven on Fridays. I know of so many moms that have the same dread for the day of the week that I do.
There is a nurse at my doctors office that had lost her daughter not that long ago. I was there today and she knew that we had lost George. She came up to me and asked me how I was doing and told me she understood because she had lost her daughter. Around her neck she wore a necklace with handprints and her daughters name and dates on it. It is ironic how we angel mommies have these connections and tend to view life and our loss very much the same way. Her daughter had passed on a Friday too so she knew exactly how I was feeling today. It still has not been a year for her either so she feels the difficulties that come with all the firsts. Her daughter's birthday is coming up in August, she would have been 3. The two of us just happened to be able to talk without words and found comfort in one another.
My doctor is great and I'm so greatful that I had found her group. There are two wonderful ladies in the group who I just adore. We sat there talking about my upcoming in service at the hospital and she told me that she thinks I am probably one of the most well adjusted people she knows(I did of course tell her I have my moments). I told her that I refuse to let this get the best of me and will do what I can to make the best of a bad situation. I am excited to be able to teach the staff at our hospital about Mito for so many reasons. We just recently got some labs back from Hugh that I now have to run by our genetics doc. I have my powerpoint presentation done but I want to add in the boys labs and these new ones from Hugh. There is alot to be said for amino acid issues. I also want to express the importance of family history because until George died, we had no idea that Hugh had 4 babies die from SIDS on his mom's side. There is more then just coincidence there and my doc agreed with me today as we talked about it. I'm glad to be able to honor George's memory in this manner. There is just so much invoved with your Mitochondria and doctors don't have but maybe one paragraph on it in their schooling.
Dispite all the bad memories, I have so many good ones and I am clinging to them. I remember having a conversation with my sister Christmas Day saying I knew one of my children would die and that it would be George. She told me not to say that but I told her I just always knew I would loose a child and once George was born I knew it was him. I had a false sense of security when he rolled over(it was always my milestone that I could breath a sigh of relief for, since it took Joshua forever to do it) and thought that I might be wrong...but I wasn't. I'm so greatful for his beautiful smile that melted my heart every single time I saw it. His laugh was just so cute and he just had something special that I was never able to explain. I would always laugh when he would try to bite my chin! He was so calm, even when Josh and Michael would get in his face and be all over him trying to kiss him or pretend to be mommy. He was just so special and I knew that God knew that too. I still can't say I understand it all but I do have faith, and that is what gets me through those rough days/moments. I cannot immagine someone not having faith and trying to live through this, I pray for people like that all the time.
There is this great song called Walk by Faith, and I listen to that all the time. There are so many moments that the very words explain how I make it from moment to moment. If you have never heard it, look it up and listen to it, it is just beautiful.
Walk By Faith lyrics by Jeremy Camp
Would I believe you when you would say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day
Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me
Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do
yeah, yeah , yeah, yeah, yeah, ya
Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace
Well hallelujah, hallelu (I will walk by faith)
Well hallelujah, hallelu (I will walk by faith)
I will walk, I will walk, I will walk by faith I will, I will, I will walk by faith