I Will Carry You (Audrey’s Song)

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

[Chorus]
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says ...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

Audrey Caroline

Loving You

Little boy, the weather is breaking and with each new flower that blooms, my thoughts turn to you. The sun was shining in the front window this morning and the warmth that I felt just like you were able to wrap your arms around my neck...I know by now you would have been able to do that and I wish I had been able to have that moment with you but it was just not meant to be. What I wouldn't give to actually have been able to see you do the simple things in life that so many people take for granite.

You have truly changed my parenting. Today your brothers were outside since the weather had broken. The two of them made a huge mud puddle! I walked outside to Joshua jumping in it. Rather than getting mad and yelling at them, I let them continue. Inside the house you could hear them giggling and loving every single moment of it. Josh came in the house with brown socks that had started out white. Prior to you dying I would have been upset but instead I just loved hearing them playing and laughing...never again will I take anything like that for granite. I thank God for everyone of these moments now in a way I never did before.

Your sister fell asleep in her bouncer today. She looks so much like you and especially there in that bouncer, your favorite toy! It is a different bouncer cause daddy and I just couldn't see her using yours but even with it not being the same she still looked so much like you. It reminded me of how much fun you had in it. I am so glad I didn't wait to put you in it like I thought I should. You spent hours in there and it brought so much joy and giggles...things I will never forget.

I am so glad that somehow I am finding a way to at least smile now when I think of you. For so long just thinking of you made me sad. I still cry every time I think of you but now sometimes it is happy tears. Often I just thank God for letting me be your mommy and for having you for as long as I did and to get to know your personality. We had a special connection and you taught me so many things that I never would have learned had you not come into my life. I love you so much and always will! Sending you hugs and kisses to heaven from mommy!

Feeling Like Job

ok, I officially feel like Job. All that has happened in my life I would always take solace that I at least had my health and that I was ok. Today I went to the docs and that all changed for me. I had decided after I had Gabby that I was going to start taking care of myself so that I could take care of my family better. That being said, I knew it included my health and I had not been to the doctors office in a while for a basic check up.

At the visit I told him about back pain I have always had and trouble I started to have with my hips during my pregnancy with Gabrielle. He ordered an xray of my lower spine and hips. The hips came back fine put the spine said I needed further evaluation. I had a Cat scan on Friday which came back with a whole host of problems and now I am going to have to have a lot of other things ran. We are starting simple with another cat scan of my pelvis and abdomen hoping to knock out some of the questions about my kidneys and also take a look at my small intestines and stomach for IBS/Chron's Disease vs Lupus. No matter the case, at least I know I was not crazy and needless to say I was surely thrown for a loop with it all.

Personally I am just so emotionally exhausted after the continual ups and downs we have had to face. It seems as if there is never a break in all the chaos. What I wouldn't give for a few days of just me time where I don't have to do anything for anyone and could just lay in bed and forget the rest of the world exists for a while. There are times when I sit here and ask God what in the world he is thinking, wasn't George dying enough or putting our house into foreclosure enough...no now my health too? Come on man! Every part of me could just give in and say I am going to let this get the best of me but I can't allow that and know in the end I will yet again rise since I know God is walking with me.

Right now as of the moment and for the next few days I am sure I am just going to feel very overwhelmed with it all. In the end however, it won't get the best of me and I will overcome this too. I know God has a greater plan for me and as long as I keep doing his will and trying to do what I am called to no matter how bad things get than that is ok. My faith does not waiver even though I don't always understand my calling or why things happen to me. I have walked with this pain now for quite sometime...getting the news is only putting a name to what I have been dealing with. I just pray for God's guidance and help through whatever it is that my future holds. I won't let anything get the best of me no matter how bad it seems and I am going to continue to be the person I am.

In so many instances good and bad, I know God was at work. People would judge me without really knowing the path I walked. I will never forget how so many people have turned away from us especially in our time of need just because they didn't understand choices or decisions we made. They didn't realize that often times there was more than what they knew was involved and that even though things seem cut and dry they aren't for our family. I am glad that God is my judge and not people because often times they just don't get it. I am also thankful that I know how hard it is to be judged by other who don't understand because it has made me a less judgemental person towards others. I may not agree but I accept that we all have free will and I may not be seeing it all.

I just ask that you please keep me in your prayers as I walk this path.

Birthday

Today was my second birthday without my little monkey. I just felt so very off today. It really didn't seem any different than any other day. Hugh got me a precious moment and flowers so that was really nice. Other than that we just bought things and made dinner over at my mom's for my family. It was nice to be with them all, although I kind of felt like I was going through the motions of the day. I really miss my son especially on days like these. I used to look forward to these things but now I am just happy when they are over.

Yesterday I went to a birthday party for a friend's son who turned 1. It was very hard for me to be at the party but the kids had a blast. She was so wonderful and honored George by having a monkey balloon and other balloons to write on with his picture there. It took everything I had to not just start crying, knowing my son never got to see his first birthday. She even had monkey cupcake wrappers and lollipops for the kids. I feel so very blessed to have her in my life and to have her think of my and my little boy in that way. As hard as it was, it was also such a beautiful tribute that touched my heart in a way I cannot explain.

I found it very ironic how we have really learned who our friends are through all of this. We learned really quick who is really here for us and who isn't. There were quite a few surprises that came our way with all of that. Two people I didn't expect to ever become close with have now become two people who have found a way to think of me and touch my heart by honoring my son or just being here for my family. My ex husband's ex girlfriend has become one of my best friends who I feel very close to and that I can talk to...she even came out yesterday to help me with the kids without having to ask her. This other mom who's son's party it was is going to be doing a fundraiser in George's honor and has always shown me some sort of compassion in some way on all those very big events and moments and really gone out of her way for us.

All of that said, I thanked God today for the gift of life and for choosing me to do his work in whatever capacity it is. I thanked him for the gift of my family and friends. I thanked him for my son and asked him to please kiss and hug him for me and tell him how much I miss him since I cannot do it myself.