Holding Gabrielle made me truly realize how much I really miss George. Until now it had been so very sureal and as if it was all just some bad dream. Instead it is just a inescapable nightmare. I stood at my fireplace mantle where his urn is the other day and just lost it. I sat there looking at his name and realizing that all I have left of him was in that cold piece of marble with his name written on it. The beautiful little boy I once held that smiled and cooed now only exists in memories. My little girl is the reminder of that precious gift of life and how much we are missing in our lives but also have been blessed with again.
Hugh has had his moments too and I am so grateful that we have one another and thank God every moment for that because I don't know where each of us would be right now without the other one. My heart breaks for him as I watch him often suffer alone in silence without much of an outlet other than me. I am fortunate enough to have my family who has been here for us knowing how hard this truly is and who have been here since the baby came home with either meals or watching the kids or just letting me talk about how hard this really is. Often times he goes to work and comes home only to have to be hit with this reality alone.
Last night I found him in the living room crying as he held her and fed her a bottle. We both thought that we could handle using his old bottles but apparently were wrong. Today I went out and got a pack to start off with for her until I can get a few more but I am nursing so we have some time to do so. It just brought so many emotions to Hugh that we just didn't anticipate. My heart just broke for him as I knew all to well the pain that now surged through his body and his heart ached yet was grateful for the gift he held in his arms. Knowing how very alone he has felt and knowing I just can't fix any of it has been very hard for me. I know his pain and yet don't for my situation is just different. All I know is that I am glad I can be there for him and that he is there for me and maybe in many instances this is what has strengthened our marriage. If it is than I am grateful for that because we are overcoming the odds stacked aginst us every single day and are stronger now than ever before and refuse to allow anything to get the best of us.
Gabrielle is doing well. She has lost some weight but has her first appointment tomorrow at the pediatricians office. I am going to start her monitoring tomorrow hopefully. We had to wait to get leads that were for sensitive skin since her skin took a beating from the ones initially provided and also used in the NICU. It is so odd to have a baby that does not cry 24/7 around the clock, is gassy, and doesn't tolerate much. She has been such a blessing and is going for 4 hours between feedings. It is odd, like I am waiting for the insanity to start any moment. Her tone is much better than any of the boys and she is 4 weeks earlier than they were. Yesterday a woman from our church stopped by with a gift for her and held her only to say how tiny she is. It really is amazing how tiny she seems to us. I often feel like a goalie on a soccer team with the boys around trying to protect her, she is so dainty.
Thankfully Hugh has off tomorrow from work. I think we both need that for so many reasons. I cannot believe that Christmas is in a little more than a week. It truly does not feel like the holidays at all. I feel so drained between having a baby and all the emotions coming with the missing part of the family this year. Another friend posted this saying on Facebook and truly expresses the way that I feel many of the times.
