Saturday, December 4, 2010
Words
I have come to this page countless times trying to find menial words to express the mixed difficult emotions I have been feeling the past few days. There are no words able to explain it at all. I remember reading a while back in a book about SIDS and how there comes a time when you feel so overwhelmed almost to the point you actually question your own sanity. Reading that I thought they were crazy and I would never go through that but boy was I wrong.
Often times I find myself in tears numerous times through the day without any particular trigger. I've sat here not knowing exactly what it is that I am feeling but just rather being overwhelmed by the numerous and difficult emotions that have come my way. After much thought I have sat here wondering why things are so difficult and I have to say there are several contributing factors. First of all the hormones of being pregnant have always made me more emotional, Hugh is working crazy hours and the boys are at my mothers since I cannot care for them with my leg the way it is right now and that has left me with much time to myself in silence to think, all of the financial issues that seem to keep getting worse, and then there are the holidays.
I sat here wondering why these particular holidays are more difficult. For me I feel it is because he was here with us last year at this time. Easter was hard and left me with feelings of sadness for the dreams I had for him that he never got to do whereas he was actually here this time last year. I think of how he was in love with the lights of the tree and I would hold him and sing to him and the very thought of those moments no longer bring joy but sadness beyond belief. I also mourn the dreams that I had for future holidays and all the things I had planned for him that he will never do. I miss holding him, kissing him, and just loving him with the reciprocation of feelings.
We have put up the tree and the blow ups for the boys but I really have no desire to do more than that. I want to but just can't bring myself to do it still. It is kind of like a kid having to go shopping with his mother in the store but not wanting to go. They don't have a choice but are dragged along sometimes kicking and screaming and other times just suffering their fate. There are those moments where it doesn't seem so bad and they eventually make it through and often times that is how I feel. Words are just not capable of expressing most of what I feel because I don't understand it myself. I just know I miss my little boy and want him back but can't have him back and am left to try and find a way to live without him in it. Please keep me and our family in your prayers each day as we try to find a way to do that without really knowing what will or will not work.
Often times I find myself in tears numerous times through the day without any particular trigger. I've sat here not knowing exactly what it is that I am feeling but just rather being overwhelmed by the numerous and difficult emotions that have come my way. After much thought I have sat here wondering why things are so difficult and I have to say there are several contributing factors. First of all the hormones of being pregnant have always made me more emotional, Hugh is working crazy hours and the boys are at my mothers since I cannot care for them with my leg the way it is right now and that has left me with much time to myself in silence to think, all of the financial issues that seem to keep getting worse, and then there are the holidays.
I sat here wondering why these particular holidays are more difficult. For me I feel it is because he was here with us last year at this time. Easter was hard and left me with feelings of sadness for the dreams I had for him that he never got to do whereas he was actually here this time last year. I think of how he was in love with the lights of the tree and I would hold him and sing to him and the very thought of those moments no longer bring joy but sadness beyond belief. I also mourn the dreams that I had for future holidays and all the things I had planned for him that he will never do. I miss holding him, kissing him, and just loving him with the reciprocation of feelings.
We have put up the tree and the blow ups for the boys but I really have no desire to do more than that. I want to but just can't bring myself to do it still. It is kind of like a kid having to go shopping with his mother in the store but not wanting to go. They don't have a choice but are dragged along sometimes kicking and screaming and other times just suffering their fate. There are those moments where it doesn't seem so bad and they eventually make it through and often times that is how I feel. Words are just not capable of expressing most of what I feel because I don't understand it myself. I just know I miss my little boy and want him back but can't have him back and am left to try and find a way to live without him in it. Please keep me and our family in your prayers each day as we try to find a way to do that without really knowing what will or will not work.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Christmas Tree
Today we took out our Christmas tree. I think I was just completely unprepared for the emotions I would feel having to do this. Hugh and the boys put the tree up. Richard cleaned off the top of the mantle where George's urn is kept so we could figure out what we were going to do for Christmas. Usually I put my precious moments Christmas village up there but will no longer do that. This year they will just stay packed away. I don't know what to do with them and don't have the room for them anywhere else. The mantle has become his special place where we try to still find ways to celebrate earthly things we no longer can do with him in person.
Once the tree was up we started to look for the ornaments. For the life of me I could not even and still don't even remember packing the things away last year...that entire time following Christmas was a whirlwind since we had gone to Disney and George was dead only a few weeks later. We did find the box with the ornaments in them and I started to hand them out to the boys. Each boy has specific ones that are theirs that they have acquired over the years and has special meaning to each one. Mixed in there were a few of George's...the beginning of his collection. I remember thinking how he would get to put his on this year with his brothers but I was so wrong. The boys continued to decorate as I sorted through and pulled out the ones that were George's for his tree. I think there were about 4 that I put on his tree.
For now we have an artificial tree but I want to get a real one with the roots attached. We will plant it in the yard after the holidays as a remembrance. I just want to have something that is living for him this holiday season. We have had a few people drop off ornament gifts for us to put under his tree. Some of them were not wrapped and I sat down today and wrapped them. The boys are getting excited by them being there and I am grateful for that for them. I hope that we get some more but if not, that is ok too, they are just very excited that he has gifts but I told them they have to wait until Christmas to open then and then they get to decorate...that made their day! I will have to still get some other decorations for the fire place now that there is just a different purpose for it than last year. We might have to wait until after the holidays to get things on sale but right now it just is missing something or a few somethings...I just haven't figured it out yet.
I was really ok for a while and then wham it just hit me! Right now I have not figured out if it is a combination of things but I stood in the kitchen crying and not knowing what to do with myself. My mom had sent part of dinner over and I had to finish it up. The kids were in the other room whining that they were hungry as I waddled around the kitchen in pain trying to finish making dinner(a huge obstacle for me with my leg being a mess). It seemed like the room just started to spin...my leg just hurt so bad and so did my heart and my head just felt so foggy. I didn't know what else to do but just cry so overwhelmed by it all. It was like this was all a bad dream but it wasn't and I knew I couldn't escape any of it and that it was only going to get harder.
I took my plate downstairs to my room and put my leg back up and collected myself. Randomly I would still find tears running down my face and it was just out of my control. Hugh came down to check on me and hugged me. He knows I am physically exhausted and at my whits end with dealing with my leg and the pain that I am in at the end of the night along trying to stay off of it but at times having no other choice but to get up and do the mom things I have to do along with all the emotional parts. He asked me what was wrong and I just cried and said I didn't know...I am in pain on many levels, and am just so overwhelmed that all I know to do is cry at times. It isn't all the time but when these moments come they come without warning and it is like a huge wave washing on the shore with no warning.
Hugh is back to work again tomorrow with Friday off again and a list of things he has to do especially since I can't do a lot of them. I am glad that he has been doing day shifts though because he is home to get the kids to bed. It is such a task to do that and requires more than I can do right now. They go to my mom's after school and Hugh picks them up when he is done work. I try to stay off my legs but usually have to make dinner or come up with something for them that is quick. Fast food is getting old and is way to expensive to keep doing even though it is so much easier but making meals proves to be difficult for me right now. Just making the sides tonight and spaghetti last night proved to be a lot physically. I think these guys will just become familiar with oodles and noodles soup and mac and cheese. They don't mind since they like it but I don't know how long it is going to be like this and they need something more nutritious. We were smart enough to freeze food from Thanksgiving dinner that I can use and I do have some home made soup I froze so at least there are a few options but I just have that built in mommy guilt that I am letting them down even though I know better.
Here is to tomorrow being a better day! I have come to realize that this entire season is going to be difficult even the things I don't anticipate to me such. There are probably be a lot of things we just don't do or opt to do differently. Just like my village,they will find there just is no place for them anymore and we will have to find new ways to do things and create new memories and traditions. I am just not sure how to do that yet and think it may take a few tries before we even figure it out if we do at all. Accepting that is the hard part but at least knowing that is putting us on the right path. I will just put my faith in God and pray for his guidance with it all.
Once the tree was up we started to look for the ornaments. For the life of me I could not even and still don't even remember packing the things away last year...that entire time following Christmas was a whirlwind since we had gone to Disney and George was dead only a few weeks later. We did find the box with the ornaments in them and I started to hand them out to the boys. Each boy has specific ones that are theirs that they have acquired over the years and has special meaning to each one. Mixed in there were a few of George's...the beginning of his collection. I remember thinking how he would get to put his on this year with his brothers but I was so wrong. The boys continued to decorate as I sorted through and pulled out the ones that were George's for his tree. I think there were about 4 that I put on his tree.
For now we have an artificial tree but I want to get a real one with the roots attached. We will plant it in the yard after the holidays as a remembrance. I just want to have something that is living for him this holiday season. We have had a few people drop off ornament gifts for us to put under his tree. Some of them were not wrapped and I sat down today and wrapped them. The boys are getting excited by them being there and I am grateful for that for them. I hope that we get some more but if not, that is ok too, they are just very excited that he has gifts but I told them they have to wait until Christmas to open then and then they get to decorate...that made their day! I will have to still get some other decorations for the fire place now that there is just a different purpose for it than last year. We might have to wait until after the holidays to get things on sale but right now it just is missing something or a few somethings...I just haven't figured it out yet.
I was really ok for a while and then wham it just hit me! Right now I have not figured out if it is a combination of things but I stood in the kitchen crying and not knowing what to do with myself. My mom had sent part of dinner over and I had to finish it up. The kids were in the other room whining that they were hungry as I waddled around the kitchen in pain trying to finish making dinner(a huge obstacle for me with my leg being a mess). It seemed like the room just started to spin...my leg just hurt so bad and so did my heart and my head just felt so foggy. I didn't know what else to do but just cry so overwhelmed by it all. It was like this was all a bad dream but it wasn't and I knew I couldn't escape any of it and that it was only going to get harder.
I took my plate downstairs to my room and put my leg back up and collected myself. Randomly I would still find tears running down my face and it was just out of my control. Hugh came down to check on me and hugged me. He knows I am physically exhausted and at my whits end with dealing with my leg and the pain that I am in at the end of the night along trying to stay off of it but at times having no other choice but to get up and do the mom things I have to do along with all the emotional parts. He asked me what was wrong and I just cried and said I didn't know...I am in pain on many levels, and am just so overwhelmed that all I know to do is cry at times. It isn't all the time but when these moments come they come without warning and it is like a huge wave washing on the shore with no warning.
Hugh is back to work again tomorrow with Friday off again and a list of things he has to do especially since I can't do a lot of them. I am glad that he has been doing day shifts though because he is home to get the kids to bed. It is such a task to do that and requires more than I can do right now. They go to my mom's after school and Hugh picks them up when he is done work. I try to stay off my legs but usually have to make dinner or come up with something for them that is quick. Fast food is getting old and is way to expensive to keep doing even though it is so much easier but making meals proves to be difficult for me right now. Just making the sides tonight and spaghetti last night proved to be a lot physically. I think these guys will just become familiar with oodles and noodles soup and mac and cheese. They don't mind since they like it but I don't know how long it is going to be like this and they need something more nutritious. We were smart enough to freeze food from Thanksgiving dinner that I can use and I do have some home made soup I froze so at least there are a few options but I just have that built in mommy guilt that I am letting them down even though I know better.
Here is to tomorrow being a better day! I have come to realize that this entire season is going to be difficult even the things I don't anticipate to me such. There are probably be a lot of things we just don't do or opt to do differently. Just like my village,they will find there just is no place for them anymore and we will have to find new ways to do things and create new memories and traditions. I am just not sure how to do that yet and think it may take a few tries before we even figure it out if we do at all. Accepting that is the hard part but at least knowing that is putting us on the right path. I will just put my faith in God and pray for his guidance with it all.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Survived
Well, we survived the holiday. It was much different than any of our other holidays. It was kind of low key and solemn. The kids spent most of the day at my mom's and Hugh and I were here at the house. The first half of the day I was cooking the turkeys until around 4 when we went over to eat. We did not stay long since Hugh had to be out the door by 3am to work Black Friday. The kids stayed there and enjoyed themselves like usual while Hugh and I returned home. It felt very disjointed and odd but we made it through and that is all that matters.
The next day Hugh worked for quite some time. I went to my parents with the kids for a while since I have been having trouble with my right leg and the veins in it. It finally got to the point I could not walk and when Hugh went home I called the docs office. They had me go straight to the ER. We were there for about 6 hours and found that I have several superficial blood clots but thankfully no DVT at this point in time and are trying to keep it that way. The doc we saw was very nice and he told me it looked like it hurt like hell and gave me some meds and told me to stay off it. If it gets worse or I am short of breath I am to get back to the hospital to have it checked again since these can turn into the bad kind at any moment.
My family has been great and my mom has been watching the kids while Hugh is working. I have been having a hard time staying off of it but know my limits and know I just can't do anything. It is so frustrating when I have so much to do around here yet know I can't do any of it and am particular about things. Hugh has been so wiped out by the time he gets home we have been ordering a pizza or something else to eat and calling it a night since I cannot be on my feet to cook. I go to the OB's tomorrow morning and will see what they have to say. They checked the baby and she is fine rolling around like nothing else is happening. I've never had a problem with this before so it is truly interesting to say the least. My leg now hurts worse than it did but only from where they did the ultrasound since they have to push very hard and almost down to the bone to make sure there isn't something else going on.
The boys have not minded at all since they have been able to spend time at my parents and would probably live there if they could. For me it is a little hard to just have the silence. I'm getting better with it than I used to be. The silence just reminds me that George is gone and I miss him so much more. The pain meds have however made me tired a lot and I sleep quite a bit and have done a lot of thinking about how to still celebrate life and not let it all get the best of me. It is so hard to do that but I know that I don't have much of a choice.
Tomorrow is my mom's birthday and also the two year anniversary since my grandfather, who George was named after, died. I listen to my mom and how she does not want to celebrate her birthday because it is the day of her dad's death and part of me feels sorry for her. He would not want that for her and he looked forward to the day he returned to heaven. I don't want to carry that sort of animosity towards a certain date or day and has really made me contemplate how I want to react to these sorts of things. Grief is very personal though and I respect that however I have found that I need something more. God has placed a different desire in my heart and has called me to face the day in a different manner. I know if my grandparents could talk to me they would want us to find good in it because they loved the Lord so much and looked forward to the day they joined his kingdom.
My mom was not really happy with us choosing January 29th for Gabrielle's baptism and was against us baptizing George last year on tomorrows date because of the pain it carries for her. She personally has a hard time with the 29th of the months since we have had many losses on those days. However, I think I look at things slightly different,which is completely fine, and want those days to carry some sort of happiness rather than just total sadness. We are looking at Gabrielle's baptism in a different light and want to bring joy to that day rather than sadness. It will be a hard enough day but I think knowing she will become a child of God that day her brother had his heavenly birthday will be a testament to God's love and promise for each and every one of us. I have to find a way to not let it get the best of me and after George's birthday being so lonely, I just knew I didn't want to do that for his heavenly birthday and sit here and just feel sad and sorry for myself and my loss.
I think of my grandfather and how two years ago I was sitting at the ER with him. He was joking with the EMT's and doctors like nothing was happening. The two of us however knew that he was not staying. The end part of his life I got to know him for who he was as a person and I thank God for that time with him. We gained a special bond that I cannot explain. When I left that night, I looked in his eyes and knew that was the last time I would see him and I kissed him on his cheek and told him I would see him again and he just smiled. He knew I knew God was calling his name. I was the first person to the hospital after he had died that morning and there was this peace in the room that I cannot explain that left as others began to show up to say goodbye. I remember asking the nurse for a comb and telling him how my grandmom was going to yell at him when she saw him because he didn't shave. I did not find sadness when I was with him although tears fell from my eyes, I was happy, his chains were gone. His death for me was very different than my grandmother's and even George's.
Joshua had a special place in his heart and gave him the chance to be the father/grandfather that he had always wanted to be but never was. He brought him more joy in a month than I think my grandfather knew in a lifetime. You could see that the time he was given was God's gift to him and allowed him the time he needed in order to finish his job here. The other day Joshua started to recite the Pledge of Allegiance and I knew my grandfather was smiling in heaven and crying. Had he been here to listen to it I know you would have seen tears streaming down his face behind his coke bottle glasses that graced his tired and worn face. It is so great to think that he is in heaven now enjoying the company of my son who was named after him. I can see him just bragging and walking around like a proud peacock because that is who he was. He would never outright come and say something but you could feel it in his presence.
Please keep us all in your prayers, especially my mom as she faces her grief head on tomorrow which is a very difficult day for her on many levels.
The next day Hugh worked for quite some time. I went to my parents with the kids for a while since I have been having trouble with my right leg and the veins in it. It finally got to the point I could not walk and when Hugh went home I called the docs office. They had me go straight to the ER. We were there for about 6 hours and found that I have several superficial blood clots but thankfully no DVT at this point in time and are trying to keep it that way. The doc we saw was very nice and he told me it looked like it hurt like hell and gave me some meds and told me to stay off it. If it gets worse or I am short of breath I am to get back to the hospital to have it checked again since these can turn into the bad kind at any moment.
My family has been great and my mom has been watching the kids while Hugh is working. I have been having a hard time staying off of it but know my limits and know I just can't do anything. It is so frustrating when I have so much to do around here yet know I can't do any of it and am particular about things. Hugh has been so wiped out by the time he gets home we have been ordering a pizza or something else to eat and calling it a night since I cannot be on my feet to cook. I go to the OB's tomorrow morning and will see what they have to say. They checked the baby and she is fine rolling around like nothing else is happening. I've never had a problem with this before so it is truly interesting to say the least. My leg now hurts worse than it did but only from where they did the ultrasound since they have to push very hard and almost down to the bone to make sure there isn't something else going on.
The boys have not minded at all since they have been able to spend time at my parents and would probably live there if they could. For me it is a little hard to just have the silence. I'm getting better with it than I used to be. The silence just reminds me that George is gone and I miss him so much more. The pain meds have however made me tired a lot and I sleep quite a bit and have done a lot of thinking about how to still celebrate life and not let it all get the best of me. It is so hard to do that but I know that I don't have much of a choice.
Tomorrow is my mom's birthday and also the two year anniversary since my grandfather, who George was named after, died. I listen to my mom and how she does not want to celebrate her birthday because it is the day of her dad's death and part of me feels sorry for her. He would not want that for her and he looked forward to the day he returned to heaven. I don't want to carry that sort of animosity towards a certain date or day and has really made me contemplate how I want to react to these sorts of things. Grief is very personal though and I respect that however I have found that I need something more. God has placed a different desire in my heart and has called me to face the day in a different manner. I know if my grandparents could talk to me they would want us to find good in it because they loved the Lord so much and looked forward to the day they joined his kingdom.
My mom was not really happy with us choosing January 29th for Gabrielle's baptism and was against us baptizing George last year on tomorrows date because of the pain it carries for her. She personally has a hard time with the 29th of the months since we have had many losses on those days. However, I think I look at things slightly different,which is completely fine, and want those days to carry some sort of happiness rather than just total sadness. We are looking at Gabrielle's baptism in a different light and want to bring joy to that day rather than sadness. It will be a hard enough day but I think knowing she will become a child of God that day her brother had his heavenly birthday will be a testament to God's love and promise for each and every one of us. I have to find a way to not let it get the best of me and after George's birthday being so lonely, I just knew I didn't want to do that for his heavenly birthday and sit here and just feel sad and sorry for myself and my loss.
I think of my grandfather and how two years ago I was sitting at the ER with him. He was joking with the EMT's and doctors like nothing was happening. The two of us however knew that he was not staying. The end part of his life I got to know him for who he was as a person and I thank God for that time with him. We gained a special bond that I cannot explain. When I left that night, I looked in his eyes and knew that was the last time I would see him and I kissed him on his cheek and told him I would see him again and he just smiled. He knew I knew God was calling his name. I was the first person to the hospital after he had died that morning and there was this peace in the room that I cannot explain that left as others began to show up to say goodbye. I remember asking the nurse for a comb and telling him how my grandmom was going to yell at him when she saw him because he didn't shave. I did not find sadness when I was with him although tears fell from my eyes, I was happy, his chains were gone. His death for me was very different than my grandmother's and even George's.
Joshua had a special place in his heart and gave him the chance to be the father/grandfather that he had always wanted to be but never was. He brought him more joy in a month than I think my grandfather knew in a lifetime. You could see that the time he was given was God's gift to him and allowed him the time he needed in order to finish his job here. The other day Joshua started to recite the Pledge of Allegiance and I knew my grandfather was smiling in heaven and crying. Had he been here to listen to it I know you would have seen tears streaming down his face behind his coke bottle glasses that graced his tired and worn face. It is so great to think that he is in heaven now enjoying the company of my son who was named after him. I can see him just bragging and walking around like a proud peacock because that is who he was. He would never outright come and say something but you could feel it in his presence.
Please keep us all in your prayers, especially my mom as she faces her grief head on tomorrow which is a very difficult day for her on many levels.
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Me With My Prince Charming In Front of the Castle
