Getting Closer

George's birthday is getting closer with each passing day.  The only thing that I can think of is how three years ago he was safe and sound, alive, and in my womb.  Now he is dead and my life is full of pain and such a huge hole in my heart where he took part when he left us here.  This was not suppose to be our life...he was suppose to be here running around and he isn't.  All that excitement of his arrival three years ago is now a time each year where I just have a sad feeling fill my heart because I remember what joy I had then but now it is all just pain.  We have lost so much these past few years and no one will ever truly understand the extent of it all.

We did find out that this year our family will have something special happening on his birthday.  Richard, Hugh, and I will be making our confirmation at our church.  It came as such a surprise to find that it was scheduled on George's birthday.  These moments when things like this happen, I know he is sending us signs that he is with us but it still hurts so bad when I think of how we should be having a birthday party but that won't be happening.  I am glad however that this is the date we will make such a huge step in our faith and that we get to do this as a family.  It will be very special and meaningful for us on so many levels, even now as I write this tears run down my face.

There are so many times that I wish I could visit him or just hear his laugh one more time.  It hurts to think I can't even remember what his voice sounded like and how I never got to hear him say mommy or even just say his first word...we lost out on so many firsts and got dealt a whole year of firsts full of grief after he died. So often I have to just stuff my feelings away to be able to live but they always come back on such a greater scale.  The closer we get to his birthday, the harder it is on me.  Now I find myself crying in the shower or when I go to bed at night and even during the day there are times I just can't keep it together.  I try to draw from my faith but sometimes I just don't know what God is thinking and feel it so unfair that we have had to endure all of this.  Just three days before his birthday our house goes up for auction...how is that fair???  Why in the world do we have to endure this all right now.  I'm trying to stay strong but every single part of me wants to just fall to pieces.

As we get closer to the 9th please pray for all of us...it isn't easy for any of us.  I miss my little boy so much and my heart just hurts so bad right now.  I know I need all the prayers I can to make it through this horrible time in my life...I know this will just be the way it will always be for me but I know God will get me through the moments when I want to just die and be with him so that I can still be here and do what I am being called to do.  God's will is not always easy but it is also the road that will eventually lead me to my son again some day.