Children Will Listen

Another Week Gone By

God do I miss him. It has been so hard the past few days to honestly not cry randomly. So many times I sit here and just miss him. I could be doing something but I keep finding my mind wandering to my angel and how much I miss him. How can my sweet baby boy be gone? My heart just aches so bad. I just want him back and I know I can't have that now.

Yesterday I went and sang in a concert for my old chior director. It went well and we all had a good time. For a few fleeting moments, I was consumed all the way to the core of my being and just sang that song from my heart. It was called "Children Will Listen" The wording that struck me the most was "How do you tell your child in the night, nothing's all black but then nothing's all white, How do you tell them it will all be alright when you know that it might not be true...What do you do? That is how I feel every day of my life right now. I can't even help myself through this, how in the world do I do it for my kids and help them? Music has always been theraputic for me and I truly enjoyed myself for the first time since he died.

My sister and I had decided not to go out after even though we both kind of wanted to, but we were both tired. We got back to my house and sat in my van just talking. I sat there thinking of the days when our lives were simpler. Our biggest worry was mom not finding out we didn't do something or that we did do something. What I would give to have those days back! Here we were now, two grown women, with huge holes in our hearts relying on one another to make it through some of the most difficult trials of our lives. Things that we never thought we would ever be doing all those years ago as we sat in our room when days were simpler. I'm so greatful for her and our relationship. I realy don't think I could have gotten through this without her. She does understand my pain and the things she does not know first hand, she at least understands my response and the way I am handling things or doing them without any expaination. She will always be herself, a worry wort to the core, but above all she has a heart of gold and I thank God for her every day. I know our two boys are up in heaven together playing and keeping one another company until the day their mommies come to be with them again.

Today I had one of those all over the place days. I was helping my aunt and her mom with thier Medicaid issues. Tonight we had dinner at my mom's to go over the details with their daughter/sister since she was unable to be there today. The boys were there with me. They were outside playing on the deck. Before we knew it they had soil, from a pot from last year, all over my parents deck. It was a big mess. I went out there to get them to stop. When I asked them what they were doing and why they were making a mess, they looked at me puzzled. Josh looked up at me and said "Mommy, we aren't making a mess, we are making Georgie's garden here too!" Well I just wanted to cry and didn't know what to say to him. There was no way I could even say anything and let the two of them work hard on their "garden". They have helped so much with the one here at the house and I am going to post a few pics that I downloaded off my camera today...they are just adorable...they miss their little brother so much.

The other huge even for the day was a call from a lawyer that I had inqured about weeks ago. There were several questions I had about George's death/autopsy/recent vaccinations. A huge part of me really feels that my boys have an adverse reaction to their vaccinations due to their underlying metabolic disorder. I know that getting the disease itself could kill them but is that possibly the thing kicking their disease into high gear? Could that have been what killed my son? Could that have been what caused Josh's seizues and permanent developmental delays? I don't know but this lawyers office specializes in vaccine court cases. They will not take on any case that they do not feels has merit and could not win in court. It does not have anything to do with the docs or staff of any facility(I will never sue a place/person that does something accidentally or because of lack of knowledge. To me that is "blood money" and people are human and make mistakes and can't be expected to know everything) but actually the federal government's court for vaccines.

Since I had not heard from them since my inquiry, I just assumed that they felt our case was not worth looking into. I had honestly forgotten all about it. This afternoon they called me and told me that they want to get further information but based on what I had said, they felt it was worth looking further into. They are sending me paperwork in the mail this week. If they feel that the case has a chance then they will pursue it if we want to. It will be no cost to us because the federal government put money aside when they began to mandate vaccine use for damage to people and they pay the lawyer fees if you win your case or don't. It truly makes me wonder what truly is going on behind it all. No matter what, I feel it is worth looking into. This is all they do and they specialize in these cases but only take on certain ones.

I just can't get past this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach. There are still to many coincidences with it all. All of my boys had serious issues after thier vaccines. Michael could not walk for 3 days and had horrible fevers after this same particular set of vaccines...Josh had seizures within the same time that George died out from their vaccines. After reading up on the reactions of these particular ones, many of them are issues my children have had. It makes me wonder if I had not given them to them would they have these issues? Children with underlying metaboic predisposition to cellular dysfunction have higher chance to sustain damage from their vaccines. God I wish there was a better way to test children when they are first born. A parents instinct doesn't count and they are years from being able to do that unfortunately. I just think of all the families that will go through these same issues especially if it can be prevented or at least detected early enough to have them watched closer without docs thinking the parents are nuts.

Nothing will ever bring my baby back or mend the hole in my heart. I have learned that my gut instincts are usually right and I really feel this is something I have to look into further. I've learned to not ignore these things because they only keep haunting me until I get to the bottom of them. I knew something was wrong with George and I was right, but let other's oppinions sway my gut feeling, and now he is dead. Never again will I ignore the feelings I have about things, dispite the fact I will always second guess myself. Making decisons for others that are life altering is such a huge responsibility. When they go wrong, you are left with regret and a heavy heart for the duration of your life dispite the rational part of you telling yourself somthing else.

I do not know if I will update the rest of the weekend, it is going to be very hard for me. My angel would have been 8 months old on Mother's Day and just the fact that it is Mother's Day without him here is just going to be a huge challenge for me. If it was my choice I would sleep through the day but that is just unrealistic and truly not in my personality. With us having the other kids it is important to still keep moving forward. I hope you enjoy the pics of the kids working hard for their little brother.

Totally Unprepared

Today was just a day of unexpected moments of sadness for both Hugh and I. We would each find ourselves randomly crying for whatever reason. The sad reality that our son is gone is just so hard to actually comprehend. It hurts so bad that it sinks in more and more every day. I now find myself crying at times more then I did when we first lost him.

Hugh was undoing the dishwasher and came across this mug that I had made with a bunch of his pictures on it. I was getting ready to go out and came in the kitchen to find him holding that cup. It was all to apparent that he was having a bad moment. He just started crying when I put my arms around him. My heart goes out to him, I know how lonely I feel and I have a lot of support. His support is few and far between so a lot of the time he is having to cope on his own. I know many times I do this myself but I know that there are people there watching out for me every step of the way and I can't say that for him. He has been keeping himself busy with the garden and finds it theraputic so I am very greatful for that.

I have had many moments throughout the last week and day where I just break down crying for no reason. Today I had a good reason but had to do everything that I had to do in order to keep it together. I was at a rehearsal with a bunch of old friends and some others that I didn't know. Well one of the people that I didn't know walked in with a brand new baby boy. It was just such a hard thing for me. I don't have as much of a problem with little girls but little boys are just hard for me to see and be around. I was so totally unprepared. If I had known ahead of time I don't thik it would have been so bad but not knowing was like someone hit you in the stomache or sat on your chest.

The odd part is that those who did know kind of didn't know what to do. Everyone kept looking at me and I felt like an outcast in a wierd way. I just felt so uncomfortable. It was probably the worst situation I have been in since George died. That was one of those moements I wished I was at home and not there. My sister had droven so I was stuck there. Had my van been there I would have just left. It was such an uncomfortable possition to be in. There were people all around me but I never felt more alone ever in my life. I hope to God I am never put in a position like that ever again.

I got home and Hugh knew something was wrong. My mom called to see if I was ok and I just couldn't keep it together any more and started crying. THis is the worst feeling in the world. I want my son back and there is nothing I can do to change that. It isn't that I don't want other people to be happy, I do, I just don't know how to live the way I use to be after this sort of thing. It will just never be the same for me and part of me envies those who don't know this sort of pain. The only people that I tend to find commonality with lately are those who have lost a child too. My family and friends are wonderful and I am thankful for them but sometimes I just feel like I am miles away from them all at this point in my life. It is probably me feeling that way but for now, that is just how it is. I know everyone means well but sometimes it just makes a situation worse and then I feel like I have to not only deal with the bad situation but also the reaction of others.

My heart just feels like it is breaking all over again. The thought that this is how my life will always be is just so sad to me. I not only grieve for the loss of my son but also for the loss of my own dreams of a life I wanted for myself. It was never anything big, I am a simple person. Yet everytime it seems like we finally have it all together something comes along to prove us wrong and this has been the worst thing that could ever happen. Nothing else that ever happens will ever be worse then this and I can honestly say I know that. You can never do anything or take anything from me that meant more to me then my son. Nothing will ever hurt worse then this. Please keep us both in your prayers.

Missing You

My heart is broken,
My arms ache,
Somtimes I wonder how much more can I take.

You were my child,
My life, my love,
It is so hard to think you are now watching from above.

I pray to god
And ask for his strength
for how long will I be without you...only he knows the length.

Little monkey of mine,
I think of you every second.
I wait for my day when I am beckoned.

For now I will have to stay here,
I still have a job to do,
But I can't wait for the moment when once again I can hold you.

I actually wrote this poem myself. For anyone who knows me, this sort of thing does not normally come easy. Tonight I emailed another mom going through a tough time after the loss of her daughter. My God I know her pain and truly understand how she is feeling. The past few days have just been so hard. With everything leading up to Mother's Day and the fact that he would have been 8 months old that day, I have just had a very hard time emotionally. I miss him so much right now, dispite my best efforts to keep busy or do something. The simplest thing just makes me cry...even talking about him makes me want to cry sometimes...not because I am sad for him but rather for myself.

Today we began the tedious job of putting rocks in his garden. The little boys were so eager to help Hugh and I. They are so smart and want to work hard to make their little brother's garden beautiful. Josh and Michael each began taking rocks back themseves even if it was only one at a time! Josh finally got smart and I just laughed so hard as I watched him put them all in his plastic shopping cart. He just amazes me sometimes...he is so smart! I took pictures that I will upload tomorrow. It was just so precious. His garden is being made with so much love. I know it is going to be perfect when we are all done.

My sweet little angel monkey I miss you with every single fiber of my being.

Letter to God

God,

I will never forget the moment my son awoke in your arms for he left mine. My heat broke that morning and the immages will forever haunt me. The arms that use to hold my sweet baby now ache and yearn to hold him again. Pain like this is just so unimmaginable to those who have never walked this road. I use to be one of those who didn't get it and I would give so much be able to rewind the clock and for you to change your mind so I could have my baby back. The very thought of living the rest of my life without him in just makes my heart break all over again.

There have been moments where I just felt utterly alone. So many try to understand but just cannot even begin to immagine. I know you understand for you have been down this road yourself. When I feel all is lost and I can go no further I can hear your messages in my mind telling me that you are with me. There are days and moments where even breathing seems impossible. My thoughts will go back to many of your messages you left here on Earth and those that you keep reminding me of. At those moments I somehow breath in and continue to live as you have planed for me.

So many times I ask why and what makes you choose me. My life has been difficult to say the least, so many things and dreams have been taken from me already...when is my fair share up. I watch others in envy wishing I could have their luck and innocence. From time to time I wonder what I ever did so wrong to deserve the pain I now live every day and will forever live. Realistically I know nothing is the answer but being left with no answers is so difficult. I have struggled on so many levels and cannot understand the lesson you are trying to teach me at times. Then there are moments where I try to understand that it may be a lesson for somene else but then why my baby? I watch people beat and abuse their own children and could not understand why you would not take that child rather then my son who was loved unconditionally. Yet, your voice still rinds in my mind reassuring me it will be ok.

Sometimes it seems as if he was a dream. The only lasting prof I have happens to be the scar from where he was born. He came from love and was loved the time you entrusted him to our care. We have pictures and belongings but they mean nothing anymore and only bring more pain. That is when I think about the passages that say to not worry about earthly things and worry about what you will be building in heaven. Never did I anticipate my "house" would begin being built without me there first.

I know you have him in your care and there is no better place and I would never take that from him. I hurt for myself and the sadness that I will now live with for the rest of my life. People talk about the grief process and how it is just differnet when your child goes home before you do. You can try to understand and prepare yourself for this sort of thing but nothing can prepare you. The sudden loss makes it even worse...we never got to say goodbye or give him one more kiss before he took his last breath the moment he grew his wings and flew to be with you. I remember kissing him that night and doing the sing of the cross on his forehead as I do every night on all my children. Please kiss him for me and hold him tight and sing to him...those were the things that made him so content. I miss being able to be the one to do that and care for him.

Many moments come when I wonder if only I had done something differnet whould he still be here. I know I beat myself up and wish I could go back just to see if he could have stayed. The moment he was given to me, I knew he was already in your care. I tried all I could to keep him with me because I loved him with all that I am but dispite all my efforts I could not fix it. As I held him you just kept telling me it would be ok. I still don't know how it is going to be ok although I trust you.

I don't know how to be whole again. This entire thing is just so foreign to me. The very thought of him makes me cry knowing what I lost. The thought of lossing something important is such a terrible feeling and then you are so happy when you have found it again. I pray that when my day comes that I have that feeling when I am reunited with my angel. It is always auch a great feeling when you find something you lost rather then knowing exactly where something is and being able to walk up and grab it without much effort.

Please stay with me and carry me when needed...I cannot do this alone and you are the only one who knows my heart. Tell my little monkey to save a place for me, that I love him more then life itself, but that I still have to take care of things here but I will be there, I promise!

The New Footprints

Hugh and I have had a rough few days. I can't even explain why. I've been trying to find some ways to cope and came across this beautiful poem that I wanted to share. Footprints in the Sand has always been my favorite poem. Many of the obstacles I have been through are so foreign to the majority of people. So many times I have felt like I can't make it another step and then in my mind I always here...It was then that I carried you...and I can do it again for I know I am not alone. This poem is just as beautiful.

I think that part of the sadness has been so many people having babies and we just lost ours. Our neighbors brought their new little boy home and I know it hit Hugh hard. He was outside working on George's garden and it just made him sad to think they have their baby and all he has is this garden that he would greatfully give back to get our son back. Mother's Day is next week and I am having such a hard time with it. The very thought of the day brings tears to my eyes. I know I have the other boys but from this Mother's Day forward, I will always be missing something. You can never prepare yourself for losing your child no matter how much you try. Many times I watched friends of mine lose their child and was so greatful that I was not living that life. So many times I tried to put myself in their shoes and all I can say is that what I thought was nothing compared to living it. Even though so many times I feel alone, I truly know that I am not alone.

The New Footprints
Unknown

Now imagine you and the Lord Jesus are walking along the beach together.
For much of the way the Lord's footprints go along steadily, consistently,
rarely varying in the pace. But your prints are in a disorganized stream of
zig zags, starts, stops, turn arounds, circles, departures, and returns.
For much of the way it seems to go like this. But gradually, your footprints
come in line with the Lord's, soon paralleling His consistently. You and
Jesus are walking as true friends. This seems perfect, but then an interesting thing happens; your footprints that once etched the sand next to the Master's
are now walking precisely in His steps. Inside His large footprints is the
smaller "sand print," safely enclosed. You and Jesus are becoming one;
this goes on for many miles. But gradually you notice another change.
The footprints inside the larger footprints seem to grow larger.
Eventually it disappears altogether. There is only one set of
footprints. They have become one; again this goes on for a long time.
But then something awful happens. The second set of footprints is back.
This time it seems even worse than before. Zig zags all over the place.
Stop...start. Deep gashes in the sand. A veritable mess of prints.
You're amazed and shocked. But this is the end of your dream. Now you
speak:

"Lord, I understand the first scene with the zig zags, fits,
starts, and so on. I was a new Christian, just learning.
But You walked on through the storm and helped me learn to walk with You."

"That is correct," replied the Lord.

"Then, when the smaller footprints were inside of Yours, I was actually
learning to walk in Your steps. I followed You very closely."

"Very good. You have understood everything so far."

"Then the smaller footprints grew and eventually filled in with Yours.
I suppose that I was actually growing so much that I was becoming more
like You in every way."

"Precisely."

"But this is my question, Lord. Was there a regression of something?
The footprints went back to two, and this time it was worse than the first."

The Lord smiles, then laughs. "You didn't know?" He says. "That was
when we danced."

Psalms 30:11 - Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing