Today was just a day of unexpected moments of sadness for both Hugh and I. We would each find ourselves randomly crying for whatever reason. The sad reality that our son is gone is just so hard to actually comprehend. It hurts so bad that it sinks in more and more every day. I now find myself crying at times more then I did when we first lost him.
Hugh was undoing the dishwasher and came across this mug that I had made with a bunch of his pictures on it. I was getting ready to go out and came in the kitchen to find him holding that cup. It was all to apparent that he was having a bad moment. He just started crying when I put my arms around him. My heart goes out to him, I know how lonely I feel and I have a lot of support. His support is few and far between so a lot of the time he is having to cope on his own. I know many times I do this myself but I know that there are people there watching out for me every step of the way and I can't say that for him. He has been keeping himself busy with the garden and finds it theraputic so I am very greatful for that.
I have had many moments throughout the last week and day where I just break down crying for no reason. Today I had a good reason but had to do everything that I had to do in order to keep it together. I was at a rehearsal with a bunch of old friends and some others that I didn't know. Well one of the people that I didn't know walked in with a brand new baby boy. It was just such a hard thing for me. I don't have as much of a problem with little girls but little boys are just hard for me to see and be around. I was so totally unprepared. If I had known ahead of time I don't thik it would have been so bad but not knowing was like someone hit you in the stomache or sat on your chest.
The odd part is that those who did know kind of didn't know what to do. Everyone kept looking at me and I felt like an outcast in a wierd way. I just felt so uncomfortable. It was probably the worst situation I have been in since George died. That was one of those moements I wished I was at home and not there. My sister had droven so I was stuck there. Had my van been there I would have just left. It was such an uncomfortable possition to be in. There were people all around me but I never felt more alone ever in my life. I hope to God I am never put in a position like that ever again.
I got home and Hugh knew something was wrong. My mom called to see if I was ok and I just couldn't keep it together any more and started crying. THis is the worst feeling in the world. I want my son back and there is nothing I can do to change that. It isn't that I don't want other people to be happy, I do, I just don't know how to live the way I use to be after this sort of thing. It will just never be the same for me and part of me envies those who don't know this sort of pain. The only people that I tend to find commonality with lately are those who have lost a child too. My family and friends are wonderful and I am thankful for them but sometimes I just feel like I am miles away from them all at this point in my life. It is probably me feeling that way but for now, that is just how it is. I know everyone means well but sometimes it just makes a situation worse and then I feel like I have to not only deal with the bad situation but also the reaction of others.
My heart just feels like it is breaking all over again. The thought that this is how my life will always be is just so sad to me. I not only grieve for the loss of my son but also for the loss of my own dreams of a life I wanted for myself. It was never anything big, I am a simple person. Yet everytime it seems like we finally have it all together something comes along to prove us wrong and this has been the worst thing that could ever happen. Nothing else that ever happens will ever be worse then this and I can honestly say I know that. You can never do anything or take anything from me that meant more to me then my son. Nothing will ever hurt worse then this. Please keep us both in your prayers.
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