I can't really say why I have been having such horrible days but I have been having them. Often times you can't see on the outside how much I am dying on the inside. I've gotten so good at faking it that by a simple glance you would think there is nothing wrong with me. Little do most people I know or see in a day know, inside I am just dying. Almost three years later, it is just as hard as when I let him go, I've only got better at putting away the pain for longer periods of time. The kicker is when it comes back and I can no longer control it, I am a mess for such a long time even if it is just inside of me or that I cry in the shower or in bed as I attempt to go to sleep.
This is when I miss having my own house the most. There I was able to just be open with my feelings without having to having to answer as to why I am just not myself...God sometimes I don't even know other than I feel often that my life sucks and I am tired of being in this living hell. God, if I said that now, I would face some sort of lecture as to how I have to look on the possitive side or how I need to be strong for my other children. My son is dead and although children die every day and there are worse situations, mine is pretty shitty and I get to have my moments when I feel that way. To me it is the worst. This of course doesn't come only from those I live with but also others around me on a less common basis or those who don't even know me at all. If I could wipe some of these damn sayings out of people's vocabulary, I would!!!
One of the other main reasons I miss my house was because that was the one place I felt my son's presence. I could go to his room and just sit for a while and feel like I was with him and now that is all gone...I feel him no where at all and that just kills me inside. No one will ever know how hard it is to look out the back door and know the one place he was, I am never allowed back to. Its been about a year since we have moved in with my parents and "leaving it all behind" has not helped one bit and rather has been worse for me than living there was. It may sound stupid to some but not to me...that was the place I brought all of my children home to and the home my husband and I built together litterally and figuratively. It was the one place where we could let our walls down and be the people we are without fear of judgement. All of that is gone...my son is now gone again. I HATE to even drive by the house because it causes so much pain in my heart. When I am caught looking at it from the back door here I am told to "stop eating my heart out"...ugh...another phrase I would like to oblitorate!
We are heading into another season of difficult times and I am just dreading them because I don't feel as if we can grieve for the things we have lost in a way we need to. Last year I tried to get through it by taking anxiety meds and that shure as hell didn't do anything but get people calling me a drug addict. Little did they know, all I wanted was to escape the pain and anxiety that they have no real idea about. I was willing to try anything!!! When I got to February, I got asked when I was going to get over this "first it was his birthday, and then it was the holidays, and then it was his death date and now you still aren't over it" . Really??? Unless you can bring my son back from the dead this whole season is going to be difficult, all the way up until and mabe even past the day I burried him, and I am not going to get over it anytime soon. No mother, or father for that matter, should have to watch the horror unfold before their eyes as their child dies unexpectedly with such trauma. If I could erase the memories of that awful day, God knows I would because I keep reliving it over and over again by no choice of my own but rather the lingering anxiety that comes with a traumatic situation. All I can say is be me and then we will talk.
This past week has had me going back and thinking of George and how much I miss him and hurt. It is the anniverssary of us loosing the only place I knew as his home and is followed up by his birthday, the holidays, his death date, the horrible days in between, and his burrial date...all the days that suck! It always seems as if you just finally get a grips on the one date and the next one is there making you start all over again. This will only be my third attempt at facing these days and trying to figure out how to get through them as much in tact as possible. Yeah, I know I have to deal with it every day so it seems like I've had more time but think about your own family and if you were missing someone how you would feel worse on certain days that were special to you. The other part is that so often people forget that Hugh was his father and deserves some slack from time to time. Even if his feelings/actions may seem completely wrong, they may be right for him or they are his truth. He deserves just as much respect and support as the kids and I do and yet he is the one they easily redicule or tease without any thought as to why he would do/say something or his feelings.
I really do ask that you pray for me, for us, and for the children. On my end, I am hurting so badly inside and even if the kids or Hugh aren't feeling the same thing, that doesn't mean they don't feel it through me. I've already talked to Richard and he is having his own issues himself right now when it comes to his brothers death. The two of us have both felt the lack of ability to truly show our feelings to others even if we are really only feeling inside that others don't understand. This may very well not be the actual truth but it is our truth, the way we see it and as any therapist would tell you, you have to deal with the person's truth as if it is because for that person that is exactly what it is. For now I just ask you pray for us all but especially me as I find it harder and harder to keep my emotions in check...three years ago he was in my womb safe and sound, happy and playful, and now instead of running around with his siblings, he is gone with very little knowledge of this world he was suppose to share. For now, I just pray that these bad days go away soon!
