Mixed Emotions

As many of you know, who follow my blog, my husband and I are facing loosing our home. This is such a stressful thing for our family after we have been through so much. This of course comes with so many mixed emotions. All of the memories of our son are here in this house, good and bad. We brought all our babies home here and made this house our home. This is also the only place Richard knows as home, he doesn't remember the house that I had before this with his father. Moving from this home is much harder than it ever was to move from my old house.

We will have to move in with my parents which is directly around the corner from our home. You can actually see our house from the deck of their back yard. That in its own right will make this move even harder, we will have to look at it all the time knowing that it is no longer ours and watch others change all that we created here for our family. It is exciting for the kids to move in with my parents because they love them so much and really do spend quite a bit of time over there.

Recently, my brother announced he is moving out into his own apartment which now leaves extra room for us over there as we come closer to having to make a decision one way or another. I sat down with my parents and we discussed it all and it will be a lot but we will have to finish part of their basement in order to give us all enough space over there without being on top of one another and still allow us to feel as if part of the house is our own without having to pack everything away and still feel as if we have our place.

Richard knows what is transpiring and we have talked it over with him. He feels very mixed emotions about it all. He wants to move but his heart is here with all the memories. Right now he is full of these emotions and I can see it as he distances himself from others and withdraws from things. My heart just breaks for him as he has been through so many things in his young life. There has been nothing I could do for him to prevent any of these things all I could do was deal with the fallout of it all. It is hard enough to deal with them myself but to add in the fact that I have to sit by and watch my son hurt with nothing I can do about it.

We have looked at many options and people at our church have offered to help but we just cannot ask people to help us with this. It is too much for anyone to ask. Hugh and I have tried looking at several different options but all have fallen through thus far. Just as we think we have an answer it just doesn't come through,and it is just so disappointing. Moving wouldn't be so hard if we weren't having to live right around the corner and see our house with someone else living there every single day. I have prayed over and over again for guidance from God to know what to do but have felt nothing but helpless and lost. In the end it keeps coming back to moving in with my parents. Often times I know change comes with mixed emotions and I feel that is kind of where we all are right now. Moving in will help us and also my parents so in some ways it is a win win deal but yet again it is hard.

Last night as I sat here in tears with these emotions yet again while I went through the things in our house and started to pack, I came up with an idea. So many people have shown concern or want to help but just don't know how or what to do for us. The money is a substantial amount that we could not just ask from someone not know if and when we would ever be able to repay it all. Life happens and it happens to us quite frequently always changing our plans. I told Hugh that if people want to help, it has to come without strings attached with the knowledge we can't repay it. It has to come from the heart. We cannot have the added stress of owing someone something like this.

I came up with an idea to allow others to give if they want and not if they don't. Here on this web page we have a pay pal account set up that takes monetary donations. We set this up after George died to allow people to donate money rather than send flowers. It allowed us to pay for things for his funeral and things like that. Now our plan is to allow others the opportunity to give to our family if they felt lead to do so. We don't want to give a particular amount of money. We want people to give from their heart if they feel lead to do so. Should we come up with enough money to save our house than we will do so. If we do not come up with enough money to do it we will use the money to help adapt my parents house to our needs and whatever may be left over will be donated to our church who has always been there for us. They are getting ready to build on and be able to touch more people's lives and know that the donation would be much welcomed. If you feel that you would rather donate personally via check please email me directly for that information. It is way to much for one to bear but if as a group it is taken on, it may be possible. Every penny counts and is appreciated.

If you feel compelled to help our family out even if it is only through prayer, please do so and know we appreciate you in every capacity that someone could. Think for a moment if you were in our situation and the gratefulness you would feel towards anyone who would help in this capacity and know that is how we feel. We cannot repay you in any capacity other than gratefulness. Thank you just doesn't come close to the expression we feel. In this manner it will also allow us to feel where God is leading us and know that no matter what situation we find ourselves in that it is right where he wants us to be in our lives.

No matter what happens, please keep us all in your prayers. These mixed emotions are very hard for us to go through, the kids included. They add to our already difficult grief walk. George has been on all our minds a lot lately as we watch his sister grow up. We are happy she is healthy and bringing so much joy to us but again another bag of mixed emotions come with it all. Each new milestone she meets brings joy but also sadness knowing that George just never made it to this age and didn't get to do any of these things. My heart just breaks thinking of the little boy he would have been should he been blessed to live this long. We always wonder what it would be like to have another child running around here like he should be. It does however teach you to truly appreciate the small stuff and take each moment in as if it were you last. Mixed emotions are so very hard to have when you really just want to be happy and not have intrusive thoughts of sadness on such joyous moments in life.

We all think of triumph as a good thing but often times it was never easy to get there. The word tragedy brings thoughts of sadness however many don't think that there is good that can come out of it too. We have witnessed and felt both in such a great way time and time again. Thank you all who follow our story and keep us in your prayers. Prayers are such a wonderful gift that keep us going and knowing others care makes the pain bearable. A prayer means just as much as any tangible gift that someone can give to us.

jessica Andrews - you will never be forgotten lyrics.avi

Written by Another Angel Mom

Starr MelendezDear Mommy
I know you are sad that I had to leave
And you don’t understand why I couldn’t breathe
And I know it doesn’t help you that I am no longer in pain
But I promise I hear you every time you call my name
I try and touch you and comfort you when you cry
And I know you don’t understand why I had to die
Sometimes I hold you as you fall asleep
The tears sometimes don’t stop as you continue to weep
I try and let you know I am there
I see you hugging my bunny and my teddy bear
And I caress your face
But sometimes it doesn’t help as you stare at the corner
That used to be my space
I see you hold my clothes searching for that baby smell
I just wish I could stop you from believing that you are in hell
Precious Mommy I know you miss me more every day
And I know you struggle as look for answers, something to say
I can feel how much you miss me every minute of the day
But even though I tried I just was not meant to stay
Please don’t think I ever held you to blame
It was just my time, I had to go
They called my name
I know you wish to hold me just one more time
Just remember,
As much as I was yours, you were also mine
My heart knows how much you loved me
Even though you had to let me go
And even after death I promise you I know
Sometimes while you are sleeping I curl up next to you
And I sing our song just like you used to do
I curl my fingers around yours just like I always did
And I place butterfly kisses upon each eye lid
Please don’t ever believe that, I didn’t know how much you loved me
Because I felt it every time I breathed
This world was just too cruel for me to stay too long
And I know you are angry and it feels so wrong
But now instead of you watching over me
I watch over you every single day
And I will always be your strength in every way
And even though, it was time for me to depart
I did not die
Because I live in your heart.
Love Always
Your Daughter Malia

3/4/08
I wrote this as a dream, I started writing and I dont remember choosing the words and when it was done this is what i had. so i honestly believe my daughter used me to write this..
Starr

Pain

This morning I woke up and the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" was on television. I had plans to go back to sleep but just could not get past the aching and pain I was feeling in my back as the pain just throbbed. It wasn't horrible but just enough to keep me away so I took some medicine and waited for it to kick in. This movie is a wonderful movie that is full of many things that cause you to pause and think on a much deeper level.

The past few days all I have been able to think about was pain. In the hospital as I sat there enduring the worst physical pain I had ever been in my entire life thus far, I kept thinking and praying that the pain would go away. I cannot tell you how relieved I was when the nurse came and administered the pain medication that let the surging pain become tolerable. As I sat there, I thought about how I wish it was that simple where pain from the heart goes and I though how I would have endured the pain I was in a million times over if only I could have my son back or even one more fleeting moment with him. Unfortunately, the type of pain I have where George is concerned cannot be fixed by pain medication or anything else for that matter. The very thought of that was just so overwhelming that as I sat in the hospital where he died, all I could do was ache not only physically but emotionally. I was thankful for the moments when I slept to gain reprieve from all my body and mind were enduring.

Today, I sat here thinking about pain in general. A surgeon can fix the physical problem for you but unless you choose to get up and work hard at pushing through all the pain you will never get better. There are moments even after all the initial work is done that you will still have problems and pain will come back since you are never truly back to the way you were before. I sat there thinking of the physical pain I was in and how others who loved me sat there watching me on the hospital gurney feeling helpless as they watched on as I worked through every moment of that pain. They were not able to fix it for me or take it away and somewhere inside each of them they had their own feelings of pain, sadness, and fear all created by the pain that I was having. They were all relieved when the nurse brought my medicine and I was in less pain but their worries never left. People checked in on me and along the way I made a friend in my roommate and her husband and several nurses during my stay. I was in less pain the day I was discharged even though not back 100%

This sort of scenario applies for emotional pain too. The day George died was like the surging pain that caused me to call 911 and take me to the hospital. People gathered around us and brought us food and attended his service just like that nurse brought me medication. As time went on many felt the relief of time taking place and although they worried for them, they could continue on with their lives even though deep inside our pain was still there. Along the way we have made new friends and had some come in and out of our lives just like those nurses that change shifts. Some of them have stayed the whole time just like my roommate did. These people have been people we know well and others who were complete strangers and found a common bond with.

So many times I would just sit there and pray to God asking him to take the pain away from my heart because I was so tired and it just hurt so bad. That of course is not possible and I know it for my son was part of me and has become part of the very fiber of my being even though he was only here for a short time. It is like breaking your leg, it may be mended after the initial part of it all and is only a short time however the marks are still visible your entire life on an xray and you may even feel it when it rains outside and your body aches in that very spot. It may not be apparent to the naked eye that you ever broke a bone but it is with you forever and the pain is never completely gone much like loosing a child, no matter how short or long the time may have been.

That being said, there are also moments where the pain you feel just overcomes you. You wish that someone would come and knock you out or somehow you could do something to take it all away. Just as in labor, they tell you to find a focal point to get through it all, that is just how it is in the beginning, you cannot focus on anything else but yourself or it will overtake you and the pain is so immense. Through this whole process, I never even thought about the fact that it was exactly what I was doing this whole time. I could not see past my own pain at times and had to find a way to focus just on my own pain. There were moments that I was aware others were in pain too but there was nothing I could do because I was in so much pain myself that I needed to focus only on me.

There is however a point where you have to move forward and push through it all. Just as with labor, the pain doesn't go away and it is so intense during those moments you are pushing through. You know somehow that in the end if you keep pushing that there is a greater prize at the end of it all. Some people have to push for hours while others it is only a brief amount of time. In order to get to that point you have to go through all the really hard stuff. Along the way there are people there to support you but if you don't allow them to, your labor is much more difficult as is the walk of grief. As in labor, there are ups and downs through the entire grief process. No matter the case though, you cannot enjoy the fruits of your labor until you pass through the hard stuff and then comes the moment you hear that cry and your life is forever changed. Your pain never ends after you deliver the child but you love them and watch them grow up and the pain is back as the grow into adults but it is a different type of pain, the pain of watching them become independent and the loss you feel for that need they had for you. This correlates to the pain you feel, it changes but doesn't go away.

If you get lost in your own pain, you just feel the surging pain coming in and taking over and becoming overwhelming. You block out all those around you and cannot see their pain. I remember when I was younger and had to get my ingrown toe nails removed and I did not do it with anesthesia because I was afraid of the needles. While I was getting it taken care of, I would hold on to someone else's fingers...the first time it was my sister Tara and I turned her fingers blue, not even realizing it. Her fingers had been deprived of the blood and oxygen they needed to survive. I thought about that and how if we cannot look past our own pain to see that of those around us also than those relationships will suffer and eventually die if we don't loosen our grip and realize that the other person needs us as much as we need them sometimes.

I really thought about that because I know that there are days where I just want to shut the whole world out, including my family and friends. Every single part of me wants to crawl in bed and forget the whole world exists. I will admit there have been times where I have only been able to focus on just my own pain, and not the pain of those around me. People understand it but it doesn't make it right. We have to take the time to see past ourselves and our own immediate situation. By allowing them to grieve with you is also like letting go of that grip so the blood can flow as needed. It is so hard to do. There were times that I have done this with Hugh, my children, my mom, and so many others in my life while walking this path. It was only when I realized I had that vice grip going on and I loosened my grip that the relationship began to flourish. Their pain was different than mine even though we lost the same person and I had to learn to accept that but it was no easy task and often times is an ongoing thing.

I found this quote to be quite interesting in the movie and it took a special place in my heart and made me really think hard about it:

Liz: "So the holy truth of the whole adventure here in India, is in one line: "God dwells within you...as you." God's not interested in watching a performance of how a spiritual person looks and behaves. The quiet girl who glides silently through the place with a gentle, ethereal smile...who is that person? It's Ingrid Bergman in "The Bells of St. Mary's" – not me. God dwells within me...as me."


This is such a profound thought that it made me think of all those times I kept praying to God to take my pain away, that I too had a say in it all. I allow God to work through me for the good of others, why not for my own good? We often times forget that we are his creations, just as our children are ours. God would do anything to help us but often times has to stand by and although he never leaves our side he cannot take the pain away but will be there to hold our hands in support just as we would our children. He is within us all and imparts himself to each of us as long as we allow him to dwell within us. We in return are allowed to help ourselves through all the pain and grief and no one else can do it for us but we cannot loose sight of those around us and embrace them too as we walk this path. The next time you are hurting, take a look around, I am sure you are not alone. Don't shut those around you out and recognize their pain too. Life is no easy road and we are here to help one another through the pain that comes with it. There are no quick fixes and it will forever be different but that doesn't mean that there aren't going to be moments of sheer glory and joy as you work through it all.

The Cord

We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

~ author unknown ~

Forever - Rascal Flatts [HD][Lyrics]

The Person I'm Meant To Be

I have really been thinking a lot lately about all that has transpired in my life thus far. Often times I wonder how in the world it is fair and why have I been chosen to carry these burdens. The other day a friend of mine came over to sit with me and help me out. Ironically she is my ex-husband's ex-girlfriend. Over the past year or two that we have known one another, she has become one of my best friends and is there for us no matter what. She is a friend to me like I am a friend to others and that is odd for me since it isn't often I find that. What that means is that she gives of herself unconditionally and would drop anything no matter what for the other person.

Right now she is going through a tough patch in her life and I remember being there myself years ago. She is a wonderful person and is now learning how to love herself rather than continually looking for approval from everywhere else but within or from God. This is such a hard thing to do and I remember going through this after my divorce. That of course got me thinking as to how odd it was that we are both friends due to my ex-husband. This man had created such problems for the two of us and great pain in our hearts but in the end also gave us the gift of a friendship that we never would have ever had otherwise. Even if I had to do it all again just to meet this wonderful person, I would.

In all of that I began to think about how the trials of your past are not what define you but rather help contribute to the person you are meant to be as long as you allow that. It is when you wallow in the pain and sadness that trials bring do they get the better of you and you are actually putting more obstacles in the way of being that person you are to be. No matter all my poor decisions or things that others just don't understand, I am proud of who I am and all that I have accomplished in my life. It may not look like a lot to many people but spend a little bit of time with my children and you will see what I am talking about. They are all so very special and I am not saying that just because I am their mom. God has allowed me to help in his plans and blessing me with these wonderful gifts and there is no way I would trade them to not endure all that I have been through.

Many people can pass judgement but I know I don't have to answer to anyone but God. That is such a wonderful thought. He knows why I do what I do and I that all the things that have gotten me to this point in my life are what is actually creating the person he wants me to be. It is also such a wonderful feeling to know I am loved so unconditional and in the way I need to be loved even when I don't love myself. I thought alot about death and where I would be if I had gotten so sick and been called to heaven. Standing there I know I could be proud of who I am because I have learned to love myself and do all that I do trying to do what I feel I am called to do.

The death of George has even contributed to the person I am meant to be. I miss him terribly but he has given me a whole other part of myself that I did not have before he died. It was devastating and I had compassion before but never like I do now. There have been wonderful people I have met up with that I never would have if he had not died. It also taught me to appreciate all the small things and to not take things for granite because none of us have tomorrow. Today is a gift from God and tomorrow is just an added blessing should you be able to see it. All of it could be changed in one single instant and so I have learned to make it all count. I can also see where he has changed the lives of others and that there was more God has created from this tragedy than what I have taken from it.

By allowing all the bad things/choices to define who I am that means that they have won and taken over all the good in life. I refuse to allow that to happen. Embracing the pain and the bad actually makes me a stronger and more well rounded individual. I'm going to have my moments and so does everyone but that is ok as long as they don't take over our lives and we take those moments too and keep moving forward. Life isn't meant to be easy but it is great and I will surely allow all moments, good and bad to add to the wonderful person that I am and am meant to be. It is hard but try to not beat yourself up and look deep inside and try to find a way to love who you are and if there isn't something figure out how to change that. God loves us all for who we are not who we or others think we should be...that is such a wonderful gift!