Mixed Emotions

As many of you know, who follow my blog, my husband and I are facing loosing our home. This is such a stressful thing for our family after we have been through so much. This of course comes with so many mixed emotions. All of the memories of our son are here in this house, good and bad. We brought all our babies home here and made this house our home. This is also the only place Richard knows as home, he doesn't remember the house that I had before this with his father. Moving from this home is much harder than it ever was to move from my old house.

We will have to move in with my parents which is directly around the corner from our home. You can actually see our house from the deck of their back yard. That in its own right will make this move even harder, we will have to look at it all the time knowing that it is no longer ours and watch others change all that we created here for our family. It is exciting for the kids to move in with my parents because they love them so much and really do spend quite a bit of time over there.

Recently, my brother announced he is moving out into his own apartment which now leaves extra room for us over there as we come closer to having to make a decision one way or another. I sat down with my parents and we discussed it all and it will be a lot but we will have to finish part of their basement in order to give us all enough space over there without being on top of one another and still allow us to feel as if part of the house is our own without having to pack everything away and still feel as if we have our place.

Richard knows what is transpiring and we have talked it over with him. He feels very mixed emotions about it all. He wants to move but his heart is here with all the memories. Right now he is full of these emotions and I can see it as he distances himself from others and withdraws from things. My heart just breaks for him as he has been through so many things in his young life. There has been nothing I could do for him to prevent any of these things all I could do was deal with the fallout of it all. It is hard enough to deal with them myself but to add in the fact that I have to sit by and watch my son hurt with nothing I can do about it.

We have looked at many options and people at our church have offered to help but we just cannot ask people to help us with this. It is too much for anyone to ask. Hugh and I have tried looking at several different options but all have fallen through thus far. Just as we think we have an answer it just doesn't come through,and it is just so disappointing. Moving wouldn't be so hard if we weren't having to live right around the corner and see our house with someone else living there every single day. I have prayed over and over again for guidance from God to know what to do but have felt nothing but helpless and lost. In the end it keeps coming back to moving in with my parents. Often times I know change comes with mixed emotions and I feel that is kind of where we all are right now. Moving in will help us and also my parents so in some ways it is a win win deal but yet again it is hard.

Last night as I sat here in tears with these emotions yet again while I went through the things in our house and started to pack, I came up with an idea. So many people have shown concern or want to help but just don't know how or what to do for us. The money is a substantial amount that we could not just ask from someone not know if and when we would ever be able to repay it all. Life happens and it happens to us quite frequently always changing our plans. I told Hugh that if people want to help, it has to come without strings attached with the knowledge we can't repay it. It has to come from the heart. We cannot have the added stress of owing someone something like this.

I came up with an idea to allow others to give if they want and not if they don't. Here on this web page we have a pay pal account set up that takes monetary donations. We set this up after George died to allow people to donate money rather than send flowers. It allowed us to pay for things for his funeral and things like that. Now our plan is to allow others the opportunity to give to our family if they felt lead to do so. We don't want to give a particular amount of money. We want people to give from their heart if they feel lead to do so. Should we come up with enough money to save our house than we will do so. If we do not come up with enough money to do it we will use the money to help adapt my parents house to our needs and whatever may be left over will be donated to our church who has always been there for us. They are getting ready to build on and be able to touch more people's lives and know that the donation would be much welcomed. If you feel that you would rather donate personally via check please email me directly for that information. It is way to much for one to bear but if as a group it is taken on, it may be possible. Every penny counts and is appreciated.

If you feel compelled to help our family out even if it is only through prayer, please do so and know we appreciate you in every capacity that someone could. Think for a moment if you were in our situation and the gratefulness you would feel towards anyone who would help in this capacity and know that is how we feel. We cannot repay you in any capacity other than gratefulness. Thank you just doesn't come close to the expression we feel. In this manner it will also allow us to feel where God is leading us and know that no matter what situation we find ourselves in that it is right where he wants us to be in our lives.

No matter what happens, please keep us all in your prayers. These mixed emotions are very hard for us to go through, the kids included. They add to our already difficult grief walk. George has been on all our minds a lot lately as we watch his sister grow up. We are happy she is healthy and bringing so much joy to us but again another bag of mixed emotions come with it all. Each new milestone she meets brings joy but also sadness knowing that George just never made it to this age and didn't get to do any of these things. My heart just breaks thinking of the little boy he would have been should he been blessed to live this long. We always wonder what it would be like to have another child running around here like he should be. It does however teach you to truly appreciate the small stuff and take each moment in as if it were you last. Mixed emotions are so very hard to have when you really just want to be happy and not have intrusive thoughts of sadness on such joyous moments in life.

We all think of triumph as a good thing but often times it was never easy to get there. The word tragedy brings thoughts of sadness however many don't think that there is good that can come out of it too. We have witnessed and felt both in such a great way time and time again. Thank you all who follow our story and keep us in your prayers. Prayers are such a wonderful gift that keep us going and knowing others care makes the pain bearable. A prayer means just as much as any tangible gift that someone can give to us.