Things I Have Forgotten

It just amazes me at the number of things that you loose when you burry your child. People take for granted the fact that they can smile/laugh and mean it. The sound of birds chirping in the morning and just taking the warmth the sun put on my face and just warms you and your soul. I've found out that I need to allow myself to do those things and have meaning behind them all again. It isn't like I didn't mean to do those things in a different way but I realized how much of a lack of enthusiasm I have doing them because so often I know it is expected of me and to keep the peace and sanity I have always played the middle guy...this time around there are times I have to just walk away because there is no middle ground mediator for me.


Two days before I returned home from FL crap hit the fan with some of my family memberts and they were ready to lynch me. I had posted what I thought was an innocent comment about how good of a time I was having and how I really connected with my friend Sarah(her brother died as an infant and no one knew him but she has watched her mom mourn for him for years) Sarah and I also have this wonderful connection and know that if something happened that the other would be there right away, no questions asked. I have one other friend, Andrea, fro Germany. It is so hard for me since I was not a woman who had a lot of "girlfriends" I find that people fall into different catagories where relationships are concerned and that could even change daily.

After all the crap I had to deal with after this whole thing that just had to add a bad element to my trip, I thought to myself that I can't change what they think of me or what I do but I can just say I hear you but agree to disagree now. My sister Tara is always asking me what I "NEED" but there is no real answer to that and I found that out this death date of George. I went out and got my own flowers (my mom had sent some too and gave me a book and monkey figurine with wings. THANKS MOM) I ordered an Edible Arrangement and had it sent here. Ordered a pretzle tray and sandwich tray. I invited people but only felt in my heart that a few would show but I really was hoping for more but I should have known better. Earlier I had overheard a conversation saying how it was wrong to ask for cards or trinkets for my son on his death date. The very thought of that just hurt. We didn't get many but we did get a few cards, books, handmade photo colage book, and a handmade clay monkey. My sister Tara did get each kid a monkey thing and gave us a monkey mailbox for valentines. In the end I didn't get disappointed as much and did it all for my son even though he can't be here for it.

These thoughts and small gestures are what I need...they are what mean the most. My aunt would send meals weeks after everyone else stopped. I've come to recognize that I am a people pleaser but cannot do that all the time and there are moments what I need to do may sound selfish or wrong but I am trying to do best by myself and my children. Our whole family lost him but the tight core of us who were there and witnessed the horrible morning events hae the hardest time and they will be for a lifetime. Somehow in all this I came to realize so many things I had forgotten because grief is so deep and consumes so much of who you now are as you blindly try to figure it all out.

This morning I laid in bed at 7am before the chaos begins and I was listening to the birds sing as if it was the first time I have ever heard them. The worlds is new and I need to learn to live in it. The world really is the same but I am different and I have to now accept and face the world as the new me. Someone who looses a limb is alive but have to learn to deal with the loss of part of their being...this is the same when you loose your child. You have to relearn to live in a new way due to the loss of such an enormous part of who you are.

I surely could use some more time away to work a little on myself and want to work with Hugh so we are on the same page. There is a place called Faith's Lodge that is a christian get away for parents/families that have suffered the loss of a child. We would really benefit from this but we have to find a way to pay for flight to get there and that sort of stuff. No matter the out come t is all in God's hands right where it is suppose to be.

Earie sounds of morning

Well right about know we had found George's body and things were in full swing. The police were rushed to the house as I stood there helplessly wishing they could do what I could not until that moment. His little body was rushed to the ER where they were no more successful....my heart is just breaking thinking about how fast that morning went. It was so sad and so hard...you can live through the shock of it all and that is why the second year is so hard...all of that is gone. The cold reality of it all is in your face. I was up all night with panic attacks taking medication and prayin they would subside so I could get back to sleep.

Today we have decided since Hugh had to work yesterday, we will off space to anyone who wants to come around 2pm and share the happiness for his birthday and joy we do hold in our hearts for George's heavenly birthday. If you cannot make it please consider doing a random act of kindness and coming back to let me know what you did. I am headed to the craft store today to get me a scrap book. It doesn't have to be a memory you have with him alive but maybe somehow he touched you in some capacity. I have tried to do this before without much success but I hope more people choose to help out so we can fill his book and each year add to it on his birthday/holidays/heavenly birthday.

Please keep us in your prayers and those also who celebrate the same tragedy we do today. May God's loving peace find thyme and comfort them the way they need to be.