Rejoice!

I'm sure you read the title and wondered how that could be the title on such a sad day for us. Well,as hard as today is for us we rejoice for George although we are broken hearted. My son was the light of my life and I miss him terribly and will for the rest of my life but I know where he is and that I am not sad for him but rather myself and knowing that it seems like an eternity until I will be with him again. However, if it was not for Jesus and God's own sacrifice, I would not get to see my son again so for that I rejoice. That is not to say that our lives are not difficult and that we don't ache with every single breath we take but we know he is already enjoying all that God promised his people. My son never had to know sadness or the troubles of this world and for that I am grateful...he only knew true love and that in itself is such a gift that God gave him. If I have to suffer this pain for him to not know some of the evils of the world, than just like any mother or parent for that matter, I will do it gladly.

Yesterday was Hugh's birthday and it was a hard day all the way around since George died on a Friday. I woke up to panic attacks at just about the time we found him. I had to get up and check on everyone even though I tried to talk sense into myself. I just kept thinking of how it was my last day with my son and although those memories now bring pain, I am grateful to have at least a few good memories that are not fuzzy, I remember the last time I held him, played with him, and tucked him into bed just as well as I do the horrible bad memories that haunt me. Despite it all, we kept the kids home and took them to Chuck E Cheese to have fun and celebrate as a family and make some good memories. The day was very low key and I made Hugh his favorite meal and then called it a night.

Today we kept ourselves busy with Gabrielle's baptism. The service was beautiful and so was she in her pretty little outfit. I stood in the back at the font thinking of how George never made it there and the last of my children that was there was Michael. My grandparents were alive and my grandmother was right there and would have poured the water over his head if she could have done so. Now I stood there this time a very different person, never made it there with George, and now my grandparents were not there. It was such a different experience yet the meaning behind watching my daughter become a child of God had such a greater purpose and meaning then ever before. There were to points in the service where I cried but not for myself but because I was overwhelmed with the love God has for me and my family. To think that my son has already stood before him just was overwhelming and knowing God's own sacrifice for me just became so very apparent.

There was a pretty good turn out for the service and those who truly meant something and who we meant something to were there. Through all of this we have really found who we can count on and who are true friends and family that are willing to go out of their way to show us they care. I looked at the amount of hits that this page has gotten since I started it a little over a year ago and I am amazed that we have had over 7000 hits in a year. The thought of that is overwhelming and how I think that my son is living on in me and changing the world even if it is through my personal trials or that of my family. God has called us to this path for some reason and I will continue doing his will no matter how hard it really is. I don't get it and there are times I would like to resign from this job but if I really think about it I know I would do it all over again and try to put my faith in him all the time no matter if I can understand it or not.

I cannot thank all of you who have kept up with our page over the past year. In some odd way even though it seems at times that we are alone, it just proved that many of you care even though we know it sometimes hard to express. For a short moment in time you are taking the time to care enough to follow us. Knowing that people care about us and remember our son enough to follow on a regular basis is such a blessing and helps us to know that this has been a very worth while effort on my part to keep this page. We have gone through so many feelings and ups and downs personally and with other friends and family. Many of these emotions were raw and after some thought on my/our part we realized that sometimes things aren't always the way we initially perceive. Somehow this just goes to prove that we need to keep our faith and renew it daily. We are human however and fall from that path and is the reason we need Christ in our lives. No matter how we feel or what we say, right or wrong, people may not forgive or understand but God does. I think that this is why baptism is important and what it truly is all about...Jesus gave his life for us so we can be renewed...what a great gift to the world.

I continue to ask for your prayers for each day of the rest of our lives will be difficult and painful but we know God hears every prayer and walks with us and helps us to get through this all. We pray for all of you daily and as for God's grace and guidance in your lives too. Life is difficult for everyone and we all have our ups and downs and can all use prayer. Thank you all again for everything and all the support through this past year and hope we can count on your love and support for years to come.

Surviving

All I can say for the past few days is that we are surviving. Breathing in and out and moving through the day is about all I find myself being able to muster up. I thank God that breathing is involuntary cause if it wasn't lord knows if I would be doing that. Throughout the entire day and at night I find myself crying or choking back tears with the reality that this is all not just a bad dream and it is my life forever sinks in hard. I don't know how to live the rest of my life with this sadness forever in my heart. I keep it together for everyone elses sake and put on my "happy" face and even trying to escape by sleeping doesn't work as I wake from nightmares that replay that horrible day over and over again.

I hate the fact that this is all "normal" I don't want it to be my normal, I want my old life back where there was not a looming sadness. I don't want the anxiety or panic attacks anymore, they are exhausting and just a horrible reminder over and over again. What I would give to be able to erase them but instead they are more vivid than the good memories...the good memories grow fuzzier each day and it just breaks my heart. I can't remember his face without looking at a picture, all I see is the baby that was handed to me and lying on that hospital gurney. That isn't the baby that I knew but the baby i knew only now exists in my heart...a baby who's laugh I can no longer hear or remember. I would give anything to have the good memories like I have the bad ones.

Hugh's birthday is tomorrow. We are keeping the kids home and plan to spend some time with them. Hugh didn't want to do anything initially but has decided he wants to take them to Chuck E Cheese in the afternoon. I know it will be one very difficult day for him since I know how I feel and it isn't even my birthday. For me, it brings such a sadness thinking that a year ago he was alive, smiling and playing like he should be. We didn't know he would be gone and it just breaks my heart. I have more anxiety about tomorrow than I do of the day that he died for some reason. I don't remember much of that day to be honest, all I remember are my very last moments with him while he was alive, those are vivid. With me feeling this way, I can only imagine how he is really doing, but he is keeping himself busy with work and the kids.

The kids are their normal selves and can't wait to go out with Hugh tomorrow and have no idea what the day brings for us and I guess that is a good thing. Joshua however keeps referencing things and people dying every single time you turn around. Just about anything you do that seems like it could be dangerous or even things that aren't he will say that it will make you die. Every single time I hear it, it just breaks my heart. Richard knows the day is coming and has his moments but in general he is doing pretty well. Michael and Gabby don't know anything is different.

Lately Hugh and I have been talking about the house. It breaks our hearts to think we could loose this place. We have not heard back from the lawyer that is helping us muddle through my unemployment situation and even with him working we would still be struggling to make payments even if we didn't pay the basics here. I called a guy from our local news station and he told us to just walk away since we owe more than the house is really worth. He has no idea how hard that is, this is the only place our children have known as home, Hugh an I worked so hard to fix this place up, and this is the only place George ever lived. Part of us would like to leave to have a new start somewhere else but even still, doing that would be like loosing part of ourselves in the process.

I often wonder what else will we really have to loose? Haven't we been through enough as it is? These are the times that I have to rely on my faith the most. I don't understand God's plan for us right now. There has got to be more than I am seeing and understanding right now and although I am ok with that, it doesn't take the human part of me out of the mix and causes me to worry and be sad for the things I had thought would be in my life. I often times refer to Job and how he would not denounce God but let him know in no uncertain terms that he didn't get it at all. That is probably the best way to describe how I feel about everything that has transpired in our lives to date. There is also a part of me that knows God has greater plans for us than we did for ourselves and how overwhelming the thought to be called to do his work truly is.

Please keep us in your prayers as we make it through these next few days and survive through the hardest thing since George died.

Through Christ

Educate Yourself! Knowledge is Power and Could Save a Life!

I am advocating everyone I know to learn CPR and knowing the importance of lifesaving techniques. Know that there is a difference in types of CPR and that standards have recently changed.

Here are links for CPR which is different for infants up to a year, children, and adult CPR...I didn't remember this and wish I had when we found George.

Infant to age 1-difference is you need to cover their nose and mouth, 2 breaths, 30 compressions while on a HARD surface...if you are alone do 5 cycles before calling 911...if someone is there preform CPR and have them call immediately.

This sight allows you to purchase a video and a practice doll for your whole family and caregivers to learn! It is about $40 and well worth the cost to be educated. Do not just assume a caregiver knows how to do this since most people don't know there is a difference in types of CPR!

http://www.aap.org/family/infantcpranytime.htm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z3gtOCCE2v4&feature=related

Children: cover mouth only, 2 breaths, 5 compressions while on hard surface
http://depts.washington.edu/learncpr/videodemo/child-cpr-video.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GYTphMOrYCE&feature=related

NEW Adult: Compressions come FIRST now!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9T25SMyz3A&feature=related

Here is a link for an AED...for those of you who don't know these are vital to survival of a person in cardiac arrest and well worth the money to have one...You CANNOT use them on a child under a year old but it could save someones life if you have one on hand...they are easy to use so don't be intimidated by them...they walk you through how to use them as you use them.

http://www.costco.com/Browse/Product.aspx?Prodid=11323972&Ne=4000000&eCat=BC|3605&N=4040913&Mo=58&No=1&Nr=P_CatalogName:BC&cat=75277&Ns=P_Price|1||P_SignDesc1&lang=en-US&Sp=C