Panic Attacks

All I can say is panic attacks are so horrible to have to live with. For me they were never an issue until George died and the months following they were just horrible. Once Gabrielle was born, I chose to stop breastfeeding so that I could take medication to help me with those attacks. They now only happen randomly but when they hit they hit hard!

Last night Hugh's voice just sent me down that road again. The cold water in the shower was on but the sound in his voice was that sound that was in his voice that horrible morning. I started to panic and went looking for him to only find him content taking a shower not realizing the power of just the sound of his voice has on my poor hear and mind. Once I found him and checked all the kids I just lost it. I sat in the bathroom sobbing uncontrollably. It was the worst feeling in the whole world and it was just like reliving that horrible morning but this time with no mercy from the state of shock you are in during moments like those in the beginning.

I have been on edge quite a big with the hurricane information. Never before would I be this way but this time, I just couldn't get past it and worrying about my children and family. Richard and I headed to the stores to grab the things our family would need in case it was really bad for us. I tried to seem like it was fine and I was doing it to just be on the safe side and that is totally true but I was a mess inside with horrible scenarios running through my head. Prior to George's death I never felt anything like this and I feel now for those who live their lives in this capacity because it is just awful.

Often I will try to talk myself down from these attacks and other times they just overwhelm me and leave me in tears. Hugh just held me as I sobbed and just said "It hurts so bad. It just hurts so bad" Reliving those moments when George died are just horrible and words don't even do it justice. Not only do you relive them just one time during one of these attacks,it just plays over and over again in your head like a skipping record. You pray to God to take away the horrible memories and give you back the remembrance of the smile that used to fill your life with such joy that now the memories of it cause pain and sadness for the loss of something as simple as that smile.

Please pray for me and for all those who suffer in this capacity...it is no easy road to walk and you are taken off guard and can never prepare for them. You can be logical and the most well rounded person but you have no control over any of this.

When i tell you that my heart still hurts,
you dont know what you say.
When i tell you that my eyes still cry,
you look the other way.
How could you know the pain i have,
and the sorrow that i feel.
For you havent lost a precious child,
so for you, this isnt real.
I cant say that i blame you,
For i was once like you.
I would turn my head and walk away,
not knowing what to do.
But now i know, oh, how i know
What another mother feels.
For only when you have lost your child,
Our shared pain is now so real.
This painful loss that bereaved mothers share,
brings us closer in our hearts.
Now when we meet and share our child,
we are friends right from the start..

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation,
by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your
requests to God. And the peace of God, which
transcends all understanding, will guard your
hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

When tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see.
If the sun should rise and find your eyes, all filled with tears for me.
I wish so much you wouldn't cry, the way you did today,
While thinking of the many things we never got to say.

I know how much you love me, as much as I love you..
And each time that you think of me, I know you'll miss me too..
But when tomorrow starts without me, Please try to understand..
An angel came and called my name and took me by the hand,
It seemed my place was ready - In Heaven far above,
and that I'd have to leave behind, those things I dearly love..

But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye.
For all of life, I'd always thought, I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for, so much yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you..
I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad..
I thought of all the love we shared, and how much fun we had..
If I could relive yesterday, just even for a while,
I'd say goodbye, then kiss you ‘til I saw that special smile..

But then I fully realized, that it could never be,
'Cause emptiness and memories, would take the place of me.
And when I thought of all those things, I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow. .
But when I walked through Heaven's gates, I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me, From his great & golden throne,

He said, "This is eternity, and all I've promised you.
Today your life on Earth is past, but here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last,
and since each day is the same day, there's no longing for the past. .
But you have been so faithful, so trusting and so true,

So come and take me by the hand, and share my life with me.."
So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart,
for every time you think of me, I'll be right there
in your Heart..

Do Babies Grow Up in Heaven?

Will I know my baby when we meet again?

Will he have grown up, not be the infant that died in my arms?

Will I recognize him, be able to find him among so many others?

Or will he be a stranger to me, not knowing who I am,

or me knowing him?

Do babies grow up in heaven?

He never got his first tooth, or said his first words.

No first shoes, no Santa, no first birthday cake.

Will my son still be a baby when we meet again?

Do babies grow up in heaven?

Who sings him precious lullabies?

Who holds him close and kisses him everyday?

Who tells him constantly that they love him?

Do babies grow up in heaven?

When we next meet, will he know me?

Will he want to know me?

Will he be my son who died at three months, or a man, fully grown?

Will I have the joy of being a mother to my son for all eternity?

Do babies grow up in heaven?

Will I be able to hold him, love him, sing lullabies to him?

Will I be able to hold his tiny hand, or will it be a man's hand?

Will I ever have the joy that only holding my son can bring?

I need to know! In heaven, is my baby still a baby?