All I can say is panic attacks are so horrible to have to live with. For me they were never an issue until George died and the months following they were just horrible. Once Gabrielle was born, I chose to stop breastfeeding so that I could take medication to help me with those attacks. They now only happen randomly but when they hit they hit hard!
Last night Hugh's voice just sent me down that road again. The cold water in the shower was on but the sound in his voice was that sound that was in his voice that horrible morning. I started to panic and went looking for him to only find him content taking a shower not realizing the power of just the sound of his voice has on my poor hear and mind. Once I found him and checked all the kids I just lost it. I sat in the bathroom sobbing uncontrollably. It was the worst feeling in the whole world and it was just like reliving that horrible morning but this time with no mercy from the state of shock you are in during moments like those in the beginning.
I have been on edge quite a big with the hurricane information. Never before would I be this way but this time, I just couldn't get past it and worrying about my children and family. Richard and I headed to the stores to grab the things our family would need in case it was really bad for us. I tried to seem like it was fine and I was doing it to just be on the safe side and that is totally true but I was a mess inside with horrible scenarios running through my head. Prior to George's death I never felt anything like this and I feel now for those who live their lives in this capacity because it is just awful.
Often I will try to talk myself down from these attacks and other times they just overwhelm me and leave me in tears. Hugh just held me as I sobbed and just said "It hurts so bad. It just hurts so bad" Reliving those moments when George died are just horrible and words don't even do it justice. Not only do you relive them just one time during one of these attacks,it just plays over and over again in your head like a skipping record. You pray to God to take away the horrible memories and give you back the remembrance of the smile that used to fill your life with such joy that now the memories of it cause pain and sadness for the loss of something as simple as that smile.
Please pray for me and for all those who suffer in this capacity...it is no easy road to walk and you are taken off guard and can never prepare for them. You can be logical and the most well rounded person but you have no control over any of this.
George's Guardian's of Grace Projects
Stocking project is now in full force collecting donations. We have a list of the items we can use. You can also choose to sponsor a stocking in memory or honor of someone else. We will include a paragraph or two in the cards we place in the stockings to let the recipient know about the person that means so much to you. Our paypal account is posted on this page and ready to take donations. Email us for a list of items needed or with any questions or information you would like included on a sponsored stocking/donation.
Video Tributes/Celebration of Life Footage
Here is a link to a video tribute that was made by Richard's dad in memory of George. Get out your tissues!
We Finally have footage from the service up and running:
It is in 4 sections running about 17 mins each. If you were unable to attend, you can now see what you missed. We were so blessed to have everyone there with us in person and in spirit!