Just Amazed

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=250770838278630&view=wall&notif_t=event_wall

So often I am amazed at how God uses something so horrible in such a positive way. As you know we have asked people to help celebrate his life with us on his birthday which is a little over a week away on Sept 9th. The Facebook page I have created has almost 400 people as definite participants. Seeing the number increasing is so exciting for us all and helps us to know there is some validity to our pain. Somehow seeing God work through others in memory of George is such a great gift and helps our hurting hearts to smile through the pain of his loss.

I cannot tell you how hard it is to be a mom with a child in heaven and not be able to plan a birthday party for that child ever. My heart breaks to think I should be planning a party and watching my son walk around playing with his siblings. All of the kids get so excited for their birthdays because I have always made a big deal of them. We may struggle for things but there is one thing that I always make special and that is their birthdays. They mean so much to me as their mother and knowing the special gift I was given the day they were born and I remember the excitement I had as a kid since it was the day I was celebrated and the center of attention. To never be able to plan a party for George is so hard for me since they mean so much.

I watch as my sister plans my nieces first birthday and how they have struggled to figure out what they want to do and how they don't want to make a big deal and yet they do. For me I always made a big deal of the kids birthdays but even more so since George died. I never know if it will be the last time I celebrate with them and even though it can be considered a waste of money because they don't remember it, I will have to say it never is in my opinion. Having never got to plan a party for my son showed me how ever minute counts and how regretful I would be if I had not done some of the things with him I did.

People thought it was stupid that I made a big deal out of Christmas for a little boy who didn't know anything but I can't tell you how grateful I am that I didn't listen to those who voiced their opinion on this...we didn't give him a ton of stuff but I made sure he had a good Christmas too and I thank God every single day that I did that. I now live as if each day were my last and ignore those who have their own opinions about what I should and shouldn't do...they have not walked my shoes and it isn't their opinion that matters, it is my life and I will live it the way I feel is right. I would give anything to have been able to celebrate a birthday with my little boy here and not have to find some other way to have to celebrate his life like I do now and forever I will have to keep it all together on that weekend although every part of me wants to die.

All that said, I still have to find a way to celebrate his life and the gift he was to our family and this year I just felt acts of kindness were the way to go. So often I am disappointed in others and how things in my life are really not that important to them or they get tired of hearing about our son who is now dead. I didn't want to feel that way and put in all this effort like I did last year to only have a handful of the same people show in support. By doing it this way I am not hurt even more by those I thought would be supportive but aren't and I get to know in my heart that he knows we love him and that this way he can touch more lives and our suffering has meaning to it. I cannot buy him gifts or celebrate the way I would like to but we can give gifts to others and I cannot think of a better way to show the unconditional love we had for him. Every time I look at the page my heart smiles a little more and this is my way of planning his birthday party and a grand one with tons of people involved, even those who didn't know him. It is so reassuring when someone we don't even know leaves a message encouraging us and telling us how they are going to participate. I'd be lying if I said I didn't NEED that to push through the days sometimes. It just amazes me how so many people have found a place in their hearts for my little monkey.

I miss his beautiful smile and giggles the most. My heart just aches to have them back but I know that is not possible. The other day Richard and I were talking about George and he was telling me how much his therapy helped him and that he asked me to go for myself. I told him I was already working on it but I sat there in awe looking at my son as he expressed his faith and how he felt God was speaking to his heart to become a counselor and help other kids who have lived through such traumatic incidents as he has in his life. He told me about how much his little brother means to him and how he feels he has been walking the steps of grief and how anniversaries are hard for him and how meaningful the things we do as a family have been and helped him through his pain. I didn't realize how much my thoughts and feelings influence him and how by doing positive things even though they are hard to do, have helped him through all of the hard things. He is such an amazing person and I have never been prouder of someone. Dispite all we have been through there are days I am amazed at God's works in our lives and in the lives of those around us through the death of one small little boy. No matter the outcome of anything I would not change having him to not feel this pain so I will forever carry this gladly and proudly as his mom and thank God for him every single day!