Odd Things

I have really been thinking of George a lot today. My heart is just so heavy missing him and all that he brought to my life. Almost every second of the day I have had to fight back tears as I sat here thinking of him. The smallest things can trigger the tears and there are so many odd things that just remember him or that I can't do out of fear of repeating these things something bad will happen.

My aunt had brought up these different bakery items and one was a chocolate cake with icing. Ok I know it sounds stupid but the minute I tasted it I thought of him and just felt like crying. The day before he died was Hugh's birthday and we had made him a chocolate cake with vanilla icing! That night Hugh and I both gave him a taste of that birthday cake. Little did we know it would be the only birthday cake he ever tasted...he never got to live to even have his first one himself. The very next day he was dead. I still find some odd solace in knowing that we gave him that cake and he got to taste it at some point in his short life.

Today Hugh asked me to run him up his lunch to work since he forgot it. I didn't hesitate to go because I felt the need to stop at Wendy's and get the same lunch I would get when I was pregnant with him. I would always get a bacon cheese burger with a baked potato and iced tea. Now for some odd reason I find comfort in eating that same meal when I miss him the most. That was the time when he was safe and life was so different and good.

Some of the odd things I refuse to do now are also kind of odd. During my pregnancy with Gabrielle I had no problem wearing the pajama pants and robe that I wore the day George died. After Gabby was born I could not ever bring myself to wear them ever again. It was kind of like if I wore them they would bring me the bad luck that I had that morning so they went into the trash because looking at them would make me cry. Right before he died I had joined a yoga group and for the life of me I cannot bring myself to do that either. Part of me wants nothing to do with the things directly prior to his death like in some odd way avoiding them will stop it from happening again or that the pain will stop.

After talking to many other moms, I know I am not alone...this is apparently very common and something that we all cope with on a daily basis. Many of the mom's tell me that these days leading up to his birthday are worse than the day of and that often times the anticipation of it all is worse than the day. I don't really know how true that is but I do have to say that this year has actually been harder than the first year for me. Somehow you trudge through the first year and people understand and remember them and feel it is ok to still miss them but once you are past that year mark it is like he doesn't mean as much to others like he does to us. That is such a hard thing and also that the shock has totally worn off and the pain is real and there is no escape from any of it. I would deal with the first year before I would ever live through the second like this. In the beginning it hurts really bad but as time goes on and it doesn't consume your ever waking moment like it does the first few weeks, time goes on but you don't acknowledge that pain as much as you did before so when it hits, it hits hard. Please keep us all in your prayers and also the other parents who walk this path every single day just like we do.