Friday, July 22, 2011
Some days I just want to lay in bed;
I shreak at the mere raising of my head.
I wonder what am I doing in this place;
I don't want to keep running the race;
I am tired, lost, and stuck
When will I ever be free from this "muck"?
I muster up all the strength from within;
I tell myself "I will see this thru to the end;
I crawl out of bed with all of my might;
For today I am willing to fight;
I will push forward with all my heart;
I will press on no matter what;
For today I will begin a new start.
When those days of fear and pain
Seem to take over and I feel bound by defeat
I will know that I am here for a reason
I have a purpose to fulfill;
I will not allow circumstances to stand in the way;
With God on my side, continue this race, I will...
Sunday, July 17, 2011
There Still is Beauty in the Desert
"Good times and bad times are part of living. It is difficult to fully appreciate joy until you have tasted sadness. Laughter is sweeter if you have experienced tears. There may be times when you feel like you're stuck in a dry and desolate place, but an encouraging call or a hug from a friend can be an oasis; beauty in the desert. Though it may not be easy, try to remember that the trials are going to help you fully experience the joy on the horizon"
This morning I woke to find this as my "Words from God" for the day. Ironically, I have been thinking a lot about that the past few days. Hugh and my dad finally finished our room in the basement and we were able to get the bed I found on Craigs list yesterday and start to make the room feel like a home for our family. I was able to make it a beautiful place to be when I miss my little monkey. We put his pictures up and his monkeys around the room to remind us of him. I even went to our house to grab some things out of it that I felt I could not leave behind.
Ironically, I had to have the wall sticker of Curious George floating away on balloons for my room. That sticker I had used to cover up the hole in the wall that Hugh put in it the morning George died. I also took the little dragonfly sticker that I had used on a mural in my house that I had left an hope space for George's hand prints on. The George now has a special place on our wall and the dragonfly is right as you walk in our room on the door. His little butterfly buddy is there with him and that reminds me of my nephew in heaven, Gavin, and I like to think the two of them are always together just like my sister and I always were growing up. No matter what, I find comfort knowing that the two of them are together waiting for their mommies. Now the two of them are with me in my room and it is such a great feeling, something I didn't experience before.
Since we have been living here, I have been able to also feel God's blessings amidst all the sad stuff going on. Yes we are loosing our house but we are gaining memories with my parents that are priceless. Never in my life have I ever seen my dad the way he is like he is with the kids, especially Gabrielle. As we were growing up, I remember him not really partaking in out lives other than a few moments where his love for us showed through even if he didn't want it to. It wasn't until I was pregnant with Josh that he told me he loved me and I will never forget that moment as long as I live. He was always quiet but you knew he loved you even though he could not express it. I walked down to our room to find him playing with Gabrielle in her crib with both of them smiling ear to ear. She just adores him and he adores her...the way they look at one another is just special. My dad also plays with the boys and these are moments that we never had growing up and that I am so grateful for my children to experience.
As things here get settled more and more each day, I know that we made the right decision. How do you choose to walk away from your home and the only place your dead child knew as home? How do you leave them all over again? Are the benefits going to outweigh the challenges? Is this right for our family? Am I loosing my son all over again? How are we going to do this? All of this and more went through my head. I knew it wasn't going to be easy no matter what we chose. In the end God really pressed moving in with my parents on my heart even though some people from our church offered their help. Even if we were to save it this time what is to say that down the road that we won't fall back in the same situation and I could not have that happen knowing that we were accepting help. This choice also allowed Hugh a freedom to not always have to worry about the financial end of things so much. His job issues are not his fault and he is doing all he can to better our family situation but things just have not worked out at this point and that is ok but now he is able to not look so down on himself and contribute what he can and just be the daddy and husband he was meant to be.
It was so hard to go home the other day and decide what we were taking and what we weren't. I knew I had wanted those stickers I pulled but taking them was not easy. The curious George had so much meaning to it that just taking it off the wall brought tears to my eyes just as putting it up back in our room did. Ironically, it placed here does not have the same emotional issues that did at home. It was a constant reminder of that horrible morning when Hugh put his head through the wall, the reason I put it up to begin with. Now looking at it just brings a different feeling to it and it brings a warm smile on my face. I still remember why I bought it but the hole is not just lurking behind it and I can just remember my son and all he meant to me and the blessing of his eternal life. It now makes me happy for him and not sad for myself. I really believe that this is going to be the general feel as we slowly move.
In the end I think it is going to be a blessing even though we can't see God's greater plan for us right now. Even in the worst of it all, there have always been blessings. Through George's death lives were changed for the better even though hearts were broken in the process. That doesn't mean that there won't be pain and suffering but it is the beauty in the desert that keeps us walking on to find that horizon where you finally see the grassy pane.
This morning I woke to find this as my "Words from God" for the day. Ironically, I have been thinking a lot about that the past few days. Hugh and my dad finally finished our room in the basement and we were able to get the bed I found on Craigs list yesterday and start to make the room feel like a home for our family. I was able to make it a beautiful place to be when I miss my little monkey. We put his pictures up and his monkeys around the room to remind us of him. I even went to our house to grab some things out of it that I felt I could not leave behind.
Ironically, I had to have the wall sticker of Curious George floating away on balloons for my room. That sticker I had used to cover up the hole in the wall that Hugh put in it the morning George died. I also took the little dragonfly sticker that I had used on a mural in my house that I had left an hope space for George's hand prints on. The George now has a special place on our wall and the dragonfly is right as you walk in our room on the door. His little butterfly buddy is there with him and that reminds me of my nephew in heaven, Gavin, and I like to think the two of them are always together just like my sister and I always were growing up. No matter what, I find comfort knowing that the two of them are together waiting for their mommies. Now the two of them are with me in my room and it is such a great feeling, something I didn't experience before.
Since we have been living here, I have been able to also feel God's blessings amidst all the sad stuff going on. Yes we are loosing our house but we are gaining memories with my parents that are priceless. Never in my life have I ever seen my dad the way he is like he is with the kids, especially Gabrielle. As we were growing up, I remember him not really partaking in out lives other than a few moments where his love for us showed through even if he didn't want it to. It wasn't until I was pregnant with Josh that he told me he loved me and I will never forget that moment as long as I live. He was always quiet but you knew he loved you even though he could not express it. I walked down to our room to find him playing with Gabrielle in her crib with both of them smiling ear to ear. She just adores him and he adores her...the way they look at one another is just special. My dad also plays with the boys and these are moments that we never had growing up and that I am so grateful for my children to experience.
As things here get settled more and more each day, I know that we made the right decision. How do you choose to walk away from your home and the only place your dead child knew as home? How do you leave them all over again? Are the benefits going to outweigh the challenges? Is this right for our family? Am I loosing my son all over again? How are we going to do this? All of this and more went through my head. I knew it wasn't going to be easy no matter what we chose. In the end God really pressed moving in with my parents on my heart even though some people from our church offered their help. Even if we were to save it this time what is to say that down the road that we won't fall back in the same situation and I could not have that happen knowing that we were accepting help. This choice also allowed Hugh a freedom to not always have to worry about the financial end of things so much. His job issues are not his fault and he is doing all he can to better our family situation but things just have not worked out at this point and that is ok but now he is able to not look so down on himself and contribute what he can and just be the daddy and husband he was meant to be.
It was so hard to go home the other day and decide what we were taking and what we weren't. I knew I had wanted those stickers I pulled but taking them was not easy. The curious George had so much meaning to it that just taking it off the wall brought tears to my eyes just as putting it up back in our room did. Ironically, it placed here does not have the same emotional issues that did at home. It was a constant reminder of that horrible morning when Hugh put his head through the wall, the reason I put it up to begin with. Now looking at it just brings a different feeling to it and it brings a warm smile on my face. I still remember why I bought it but the hole is not just lurking behind it and I can just remember my son and all he meant to me and the blessing of his eternal life. It now makes me happy for him and not sad for myself. I really believe that this is going to be the general feel as we slowly move.
In the end I think it is going to be a blessing even though we can't see God's greater plan for us right now. Even in the worst of it all, there have always been blessings. Through George's death lives were changed for the better even though hearts were broken in the process. That doesn't mean that there won't be pain and suffering but it is the beauty in the desert that keeps us walking on to find that horizon where you finally see the grassy pane.
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Me With My Prince Charming In Front of the Castle
