Living Every Day

Every single day I miss my little monkey and it saddens me to know our lives will just never be the same ever again. There will forever be this sadness in our hearts. Last night I was sitting next to Hugh and turned my head to realize he was looking at pictures of George and had tears streaming down his face. Every time I think I have it hard, I know he has it so much more difficult with very few friends and family that call or support him the way he needs to be. I tend to actually find our situation of sheer loneliness more the norm rather than the other way around. It definitely explained why many people divorce after the death of a child. Thankfully for Hugh and I it has been the opposite and has brought us closer than ever before. I sat there with him, both of our hearts breaking for the son we lost and the life we now lead.

Yesterday he finished the flooring in the baby's room. It has been so very difficult for both Hugh and I to work on Gabrielle's room. There are just so many unexplainable mixed emotions. Part of you is excited and thankful for the wonderful gift of life and yet sad for the loss of life too. As he worked on the floor, I worked on refinishing the furniture. We had wanted to just get new baby furniture since it is so hard emotionally to use George's things. With the two of us both not working and my unemployment in an appeal stage, there just is no way we can afford it. That has led me to trying to find a creative way to try and make it possible for us to use his things.

We have bought a new crib since there is absolutely no way in the world we could ever use his crib again. We are still saving money for a mattress that is not toxic since they are quite expensive but after what I now know there is no way I will put this baby on another mattress that isn't. There was a dresser that we took from the boys rooms to use but it is too tall to use as a changing table too, so we are left finding ourselves using the table. That is hard for Hugh since he has a lot of memories with the little monkey on there. For me it is the rocking chair. I used to rock him and sing to him in the chair and more than with the other kids. The other boys were just not into cuddling with mommy much when they were little like George was...they were all daddy boys. I think so often of the times I would sit in that chair with him trying to get him to sleep and thinking he was but only to find as I looked at him, he was just laying there wide awake and calm and peaceful resting on my chest as I sang to him.

The hard part is that although they were George's, they were also Michael's. He of course doesn't know that but it is so hard to try and find some sort of middle ground. Every single part of me was aching as I sat their painting and redoing my boys furniture. I took a break and went with the boys to my mom's since they were making it more difficult for Hugh to finish the floor. She asked me about it and if it was hard and I said yes and couldn't talk or think about it without tears welling up in my eyes. To think that something so simple can be so hard amazes me.

On another note, we have been working on the Comfort Zone fundraiser. Tickets are finally put together for the brunch. If you are interested please email us or check out the web page for more details www.komfortforkidzcampaign.blogspot.com We are in need of raffle items and covered dishes along with forms of entertainment that are kid based. There are some wonderful people, including the officer who responded to our house, trying to help us make this such a wonderful family event. We really want it to be a great event and a way to celebrate his first birthday here on Earth without him but honoring his memory and keeping his spirit alive.

We did also have a good moment last night. For the first time Hugh was able to feel the baby move. It was quite exciting for both of us since in so many ways it has not seemed real. You can't miss the baby belly but it has been just a very surreal experience to this point. It has been very different for many reasons. We know George is in heaven watching down over all of us. On so many occasions we have felt his presence or seen symbols of his presence in our lives and dreams. I pray to God every day for our strength and his guidance in our lives. Some days are better than others and some moments are the same way. This is the longest most exhausting path in life to be walking.

Footprints

"These are my footprints,so perfect and so small.These tiny footprints never touched the ground at all.Not one tiny footprint,for now I have wings.These tiny footprints were meant for other things.You will hear my tiny footprints,in the patter of the rain.Gentle drops like angel's tears,of joy and not from pain.You will see my tiny footprints,in each butterflies' lazy dance.I'll let you know I'm with you,if you just give me the chance.You will see my tiny footprints,in the rustle of the leaves.I will whisper names into the wind,and call each one that grieves.Most of all, these tiny footprints,are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.'Cause even though I'm gone now,We'll never truly part."

This was posted by another angel's mommy. It was just so beautiful and touched my heart. Missing my little boy so much! Life will never be the same and part of me will forever be missing until I see him again in God's kingdom.

Natalie grant held

Natalie Grant - In Better Hands Now

Tired

I am really at the point where I am just tired. When I say that I mean in every single sense of the word, physically and emotionally. Today for some reason I found myself just trudging through the day with nothing but my little monkey on my mind. There really is no particular reason other than the fact that I miss him more than words could ever express. Several times as I drove to and from doctors offices I found myself cry and recounting the day he left and the night before when I was playing with him.

At the ATU I sat there waiting for my appt to start and they were quite behind. I always bring a book and I have been reading one written by a father who lost his son. It is always interesting to read a man's perspective and I thought that it would help me to maybe understand Hugh and his grief a little better. In the book, he recounted a dream he had about his son weeks after he passed away. He explained how very vivid this dream was and how he knew it was God given. I knew exactly what he was talking about since I had one exactly the same a while after George passed away.

To this day it is one of the most profound dreams I have ever had. It was God giving me a my last good bye with my son. I held him and yet I knew he was gone. He cuddled up with me for my last moment with him and had his say good bye. God was with us and was letting me know he was ok and that he was at peace in heaven. It was different than any other dream in my life...I woke up knowing it was God's way of letting me say goodbye and to know he really was ok and in heaven(I've always had a hang up since he was not baptized). People can think I am crazy but anyone who has ever had a dream like that can tell you how much of an impact that makes on your life and how it stays with you forever.

That dream kept running through my mind today over and over again. What I would not give for that moment back to hold him again. In that moment nothing else mattered and although I knew he was gone he was mine for those moments. I knew I would have to let him go and that I had a job to still do no matter how hard it was for me to get up every morning and live my life without him in it. The moment I woke up it was so very bitter sweet. I was so thankful for that dream and yet the reality of my new life was so painful, I just wanted to go back to sleep.

On days like this where I feel like I can barely breath and getting from moment to moment is just a challenge, I have come to rely on God with everything in me. I cannot do this alone, my heart is breaking and I am to tired to keep going. These are the days you wish you could just have a vacation from life. Never did I understand why people would say that an older person was just to tired to live. Now having been through what I have and knowing how exhausting living a difficult life really is, I understand the true meaning of peace given by death. It has given me a new found respect for those who just want to be "done" something I could never fathom before this. I seriously thought they were out of their mind, why would you want to die? Now I think it is rather the peace of no longer being tired and knowing the promise that God gives us for eternal life of joy with those we love...no more pain or sorrow...what an awesome gift!

I've been reading a lot of passages in the bible and each of them speaks to me differently now then they ever did before. The books I have been reading are very moving and definitely give new meaning to His word. Ever day I am looking for answers and comfort in ways I never thought I would. There are certain songs that speak to my heart and particular passages. For the rest of the night I am going to just try and relax a little and although I know tears will grace my cheeks most of the night I know that I am not alone and that I will make it through this one step at a time.

Miss This Face

I miss his smile and this little face more than words can say. There is not a day that goes by where I don't feel the stabbing pain of loosing him. I still cannot look at his pictures and find the joy in them that I used to. Looking at them makes me cry now. I wish that I could look at them and smile like I used to but now they are the sad reminder of what I no longer have. There will be no more with him in it and this is all I have left of my son besides the love that I carry for him every single day and the pain that was left in the wake of his death. I pray that there will come a day when I can look at these without tears.