God I Miss You!

I sit here thinking of how long it has been since I watched you die.  My heart is so very heavy and I miss you more than words can say!  No one knows how bad I hurt sometimes.  I've gotten so good at keeping it all inside and putting on my happy face.  It hurts so bad to pretend like I am happy when inside I am crying.  Life is nothing like I wanted it to be and I have no control over that.  It hurts when I hear people judge me when they have not walked my shoes and have no real idea how hard it is.  Nothing is fair when your child dies and you did nothing to warrant this kind of pain.  I can't even look at your picture without wanting to cry and right now I miss more than ever our house.  No one understands how much it hurts to loose it.  It was like loosing you all over again because this was the only place you knew as home and the only place I really have memories with you.  They feel it is better for us to move forward but it isn't the case and moving and having to have a happy face on now almost 24/7 makes this even harder to handle.  The pain can be so bad that I want to explode inside but can't...instead I have to wait until night when I cry myself to sleep.  There isn't anything in the world that I wouldn't give to have you in my arms again.  I miss you more than you will ever know.  Sending you kisses to heaven because I can't give them to you myself:o(