Life Without You

Miss you. Never more alone. So tired of everything. Sick of fake smiles and small talk. Intense pain magnified by others who just don't get it and make it worse. Wish it was all different. Love you more than life itself. Wish I could hold you again. The worst thing in the world to ever have to live through. Every breath hurts. Thankful for you in my life. Thankful for God's grace. Grateful that he carries me when no one else can.

You Have a Little Sister

Well, we found out yesterday that you will have a little sister. As happy as daddy and I were, it was so very bitter sweet. We were grateful since your big brothers now understand that she is not you coming back to us like they did for so long. Her name is Gabrielle Grace. I wonder if you met her before she was sent to us.

Daddy and I went to buy Gabrielle her first dress. As we were in the first store, we were both very overwhelmed. The baby isles bring so many mixed feelings for us! Daddy spotted an outfit in the middle of all the girl outfits that was definitely not a girl outfit. It was actually a monkey outfit, one of our favorites that you had worn. I didn't realize it at first since it was up on one of the higher racks. My eyes fell on daddy who just had tears streaming down his cheeks. I just hugged him as I saw what it was he had looked at. He said he knew you were there and you knew you had a little sister.

I cannot tell you how very hard this is for us. One part of us is falling apart while one part is happy. We are trying to keep it together and move forward with life. Your big brothers are happy and can't wait to have another baby but they still miss you and talk about you every single day. It is such an awkward place to be. As daddy sat there picking out her first dress, we both sat there practically in tears as no one else in the store really knew how very hard it was for us nor knew this life we now lead. It was almost as hard as the day I had to buy your christening outfit as the very last outfit you would ever wear and the people behind the counter had no idea and I just burst into tears.

Daddy and I made a very hard decision today. We have decided to use your changing table and rocking chair. It was so hard for daddy and I to want to use them. Part of us doesn't want to because it reminds us of you but than again, we want to give her something special from you too. Together we decided we will paint them so that it isn't so hard for us to see her use something that reminds us of you in such a big way. You were always happy there, except on the changing table that very first bath that you hated so much!

It is so hard to not have you here. We promise to make sure that she knows she has such an awesome big brother in heaven. We will be sure to show her lots of pictures of you and tell her all about you and how wonderful you are. I wish you were here to welcome her into the world but I know you will be there that day with us. I also know you will keep an eye on her just like big brothers do. Sending you lots of love and hugs right now...wishing I could give you them myself...you are always in my heart my little monkey!

Your Pictures

I sit here every day and look at your pictures. Some days I just want to cry and others I wonder were you real? I look at your face and am saddened that in my mind I can barely remember what you looked like alive without the reminder of a picture. The reminders of your death and seeing you that way will forever be etched in my mind no matter how hard that I try to get rid of them and just remember your beautiful smile and blue eyes.

Each day I find it hard to recall what your cry,laugh, and coo sounded like. It breaks my heart to know I will never hear them again but if heard again I would know it was you in an instant. Only in my dreams do I hear that distinct sound of your voice. It hurts to know I never got to hear you say mommy or daddy. Every day I wonder what you would have been like if you were still here. My heart aches for you every single day wishing you were here with me. I look at your big brothers and think of how big they are getting and how you would be right behind them and it makes me realize the void left forever in my life. You should be right behind them on your way to being a toddler but instead you are in heaven and we are left with part of our hearts missing.

I sat here yesterday talking to your aunt who is probably one of the very few people who understands and is not judgmental telling me to get over you or that we need to move on and that we have some insane time-line allowed to miss you. She doesn't say hurtful things that I have to try and understand how they come out of her mouth. If she thinks it will be hurtful she will tell me she isn't sure how I am going to take it before she says it. I thank God for her every single day of my life because I have no idea where I would be without her understanding because there isn't anyone else right now that understands the way she does.

I am just so very tired of everyone who doesn't trying to pass judgment about how we are handling this all. Until they loose their child then they have no place telling me what to do or that I am wrong. Rather than dealing with their narrow minded attitudes I just have only associated with them on a limited basis. That saddens me but I already have so much on my plate that I don't need to add that to my life. I owe your daddy and brother the energy and attention that they have always deserved and need right now. I find it funny that it is like people think I sit in my room in my bed all day crying and not living my life...lord are they wrong. I try to do what I can to honor your memory and keep a balance in my life.

Daddy and I both have learned to enjoy the simple things and we do that every single day now. We know that God will guide us to where he wants us and that is just what he is doing. I guess it just isn't fast enough of the manner everyone else wants...little do they realize this is his will and his time not ours. We learned the day you left to trust him completely and we do. If and when there is a time we are meant to get a job or do something other than what we are currently doing, then he will guide us that way. Daddy has been applying for jobs now numerous times a week and still has not found one. Some people think he is just sitting home doing nothing yet they don't really get how difficult it is out there right now and that when God wants him to have one, he will have one. We have looked back and realized we are pieces in his plan because everything that happened prior to you leaving us and every single thing was put in place to prepare us for that day.

So many days I sit there wondering why God took you. What life lesson did he want to teach us? One day it came to me, it wasn't really a lesson for us although we have learned quite a bit since you left. I truly believe that this lesson was for others who are lost in their lives and God knew daddy and I would not be mad at him or have our marriage fall apart or be severely depressed. Yes we are sad but that is par the course. We are not mad or upset with God and have never been at all and we actually have this unexplainable peace in us knowing you had a purpose here in this world and a purpose to you being in heaven.

The one lesson I have taken from all of this is that the only person I can rely on is God himself and that I don't "need" other people in my life I choose to have them. I've learned that our family comes first and that I am no longer just going to drop things in order to meet other peoples needs and expectations of me and that it is ok to do that. Somewhere in there I also realized I don't need anyone's approval about my life and the things I do. They can talk about me all they want and feel what they want and I can say I am not going to be a part of that anymore. That was very hard for me because until you died I would do whatever someone else wanted me to do and do whatever it was I thought they wanted or needed with no regard for myself or daddy and your big brothers.

I realized I cannot please everyone and have given myself the permission to do what I need to do for our little family because no one else is going to do that for us, it has been proven over and over again to me. God is truly all I "need" in my life and that is such a powerful life lesson that very few people every truly understand. I can feel his presence in my life and the things that I do and know that they are ok and this is where we are suppose to be in accordance with his plan. It still saddens me that he had to take you to teach lessons to people. I want to hold you and I want to be with you and I wish this wasn't my life but I know I cannot change anything and have to live according to his plan and not mine.

Tears will forever roll from my eyes and down my cheeks for your loss just as they did the day you were born from the joy you brought to us. I would not have traded you to not have this pain. You have made me a better person on so many levels and I thank God for that every single day. All of us here miss you and love you more than words can say. Your brothers still talk about you every day and how you are in the clouds or in heaven. They send balloons to you all the time and color pictures for you and write you letters. I know you are watching from heaven and see our lives without you in them and how very different they are now. I know different does not mean bad and that we are where we are suppose to be. I ask God to hold you and tell you how much I love you and give you hugs and kisses from me all the time. What I wouldn't do to be able to do that myself! For now I have to hold you in my heart until I am with you again. Asking you to watch over everyone is way to much for such a little boy, I just ask that you know how much we all love and miss you and that we cannot wait to be with you again some day in heaven.

Difficult Events

Yesterday was my sister's baby shower. I had a lot to do with it but I cannot tell you how hard it was to sit through it for me. It was so difficult to put my own personal feelings aside for my sister and try to hold it together so I didn't ruin her day. Every single part of me just wanted to leave halfway through the event. At one point I just went to the back of our church hall and sat in the kitchen where it took every ounce of my strength and will to not leave. I sat there crying trying so hard not to and to gather my composure but it was so hard for me to do.

There was no way I could have left even if I had wanted to. I also wasn't going to do that because I know it would have been upsetting to my sister and I didn't want to do that either. I was the only one who knew how things went back in the hall since I was the one who set up that morning. It was our church and I know Hugh would have gone back for me to finish up but there was no way he would have had any clue as to how it all went back. At that point I was kicking myself for not taking a picture of the original set up before I started.

I did collect myself after a few moments and just kept myself busy trying to just make it through the rest of the event. It was so weird to feel as if I was in a room full of strangers when part of the people there were family members I did know. Never in my life was I happier to see Hugh and the boys come in. Hugh stayed and helped me clean up and him just being there brought me so much comfort even though he didn't even know it. I was so grateful when it was finally over. Never was I more happy to be home where I did not have to keep myself together or try to keep pushing memories and thoughts that made my heart heavy aside.

This is the first type of event like this that I have had to go to since George passed away. It was absolutely one of the hardest things to do thus far and I have no intention of every going to another for a very long time. I can't explain why they are so hard but after talking to a few mothers who lost young children too, I realized I am not alone. It was not the babies or the little kids there that made it hard...they don't really bother me anymore like they used to(I only have a hard time being around children that were born around the same time he was) I don't know if it is a jealousy or yearning for the fact you remember being that person not living that nightmare and you will never be that person again. Or you just remember being there and that happiness and joy that expecting a baby brings to only know your happiness was cut short and you would give anything to have it back. It is just so very confusing and emotional.

I am pregnant and even having a new baby just is not the same as it used to be for me. Shopping in baby stores is difficult...I cannot tell you how grateful I am for online shopping and even when I do have to go the the store and through the baby section, it is probably the shortest part of my trip where I am in and out. The sad part is that we have to replace just about everything that was George's for this new baby so I have a lot of work to do. It saddens me to think of his things sitting in bags in my mother's basement knowing that they were his and I am working hard on finding them new homes. His changing table sits in my front room as I search for a person who wants to use it. We don't want to sell them we just want his things used by someone who needs them.

It is odd but I find solace knowing that someone else can use his things because then I know they are being used the way they were intended to be used. There is an old high school friend who lives in VA who said she may have a home for his things. I am just now working on how to get them to her since no one here wants or can use them. I wish I had it in me to be able to use them myself but I can't and neither can Hugh and we both know we just will never be able to do that. We also want the new baby to just not have to deal with the stigma of their big brother who died and for them to know they were wanted because we wanted more children not to replace their brother or ease our pain because this baby was wanted even before George died.

Once we know if we are having a boy or girl I have friends that I know who have already offered us some things. We are keeping his pack n play but that really is about it. A good chunk of his things were brand new since we had given a lot of the other boys things to a young mother in need. I am buying things a little at a time and we have a new crib and car seat along with some gender neutral outfits.

The boys have had a lot of fun going to the store and getting things with Hugh and I here and there. Joshua would buy the entire store if he could. Yesterday they had a blast running around and just being kids. They of course let some balloons go to him at the church. They still find a lot of comfort in our church and the fact that it is the place where they associate a party for their brother(his funeral)and feel like he is there. I have to say that I do too and am so grateful for that.

I can't imagine how much harder it would have been yesterday if it was not at the church. Although that is where his service was, it was a celebration of his eternal life and that just brings different feelings other then sadness to me. It doesn't make me think of good times when he was alive that make me sad because I will never have them again. I don't know exactly how to explain it other than it is just different there for me and I know it is for the boys too.

They can't wait for the new baby and it brings them all so much happiness with something great to look forward to. Joshua tickles my belly whenever he walks by. I will be grateful to finally know if this is a boy or girl so we can have a definite name so they can understand that it is not George coming back. It will make the baby an individual to them as they work hard to wrap their little heads around something they just don't understand yet.

I hate the fact that there will always be moments like the one I had yesterday. In many ways that is what makes people avoid Hugh and I in hopes to not cause anymore pain without them realizing we know and that it makes it harder. I understand that but also wish they would understand we can't avoid this stuff forever either. If I had to choose for that first moment to be anywhere I wouldn't have chosen it anywhere else and for anyone else. I know my sister understands how very complicated for me it is and having it at the church did make it easier. I was just grateful it was not for a friend or something like that. We can't avoid these situations forever and know they will all be hard for everyone but they are things we have to do since we are still here despite the fact he is in heaven. I will still hate these things and holidays since it will now always carry an incomplete feeling and sadness for the life I wish I had vs the life I now have to live.

Now I can focus my efforts on getting situated for the trip to GA to see a Mito specialist. I'm very excited since our first experiences thus far have been nothing but positive. Michael had dental surgery on Friday and although she is not technically his doc yet she talked to the dentist and hospital to make sure he was situated from a Mito standpoint. The dentist just raved about her as a doctor saying she was such a pleasure and got back to her right away...something we have not had thus far other than from Ken. It will be a relief to have her on board before the baby is born and brings us a peace of mind. We have two weeks to get it all together...it feels as if it is nonstop right now well into Sept when the fundraiser ends.