I sit here every day and look at your pictures. Some days I just want to cry and others I wonder were you real? I look at your face and am saddened that in my mind I can barely remember what you looked like alive without the reminder of a picture. The reminders of your death and seeing you that way will forever be etched in my mind no matter how hard that I try to get rid of them and just remember your beautiful smile and blue eyes.
Each day I find it hard to recall what your cry,laugh, and coo sounded like. It breaks my heart to know I will never hear them again but if heard again I would know it was you in an instant. Only in my dreams do I hear that distinct sound of your voice. It hurts to know I never got to hear you say mommy or daddy. Every day I wonder what you would have been like if you were still here. My heart aches for you every single day wishing you were here with me. I look at your big brothers and think of how big they are getting and how you would be right behind them and it makes me realize the void left forever in my life. You should be right behind them on your way to being a toddler but instead you are in heaven and we are left with part of our hearts missing.
I sat here yesterday talking to your aunt who is probably one of the very few people who understands and is not judgmental telling me to get over you or that we need to move on and that we have some insane time-line allowed to miss you. She doesn't say hurtful things that I have to try and understand how they come out of her mouth. If she thinks it will be hurtful she will tell me she isn't sure how I am going to take it before she says it. I thank God for her every single day of my life because I have no idea where I would be without her understanding because there isn't anyone else right now that understands the way she does.
I am just so very tired of everyone who doesn't trying to pass judgment about how we are handling this all. Until they loose their child then they have no place telling me what to do or that I am wrong. Rather than dealing with their narrow minded attitudes I just have only associated with them on a limited basis. That saddens me but I already have so much on my plate that I don't need to add that to my life. I owe your daddy and brother the energy and attention that they have always deserved and need right now. I find it funny that it is like people think I sit in my room in my bed all day crying and not living my life...lord are they wrong. I try to do what I can to honor your memory and keep a balance in my life.
Daddy and I both have learned to enjoy the simple things and we do that every single day now. We know that God will guide us to where he wants us and that is just what he is doing. I guess it just isn't fast enough of the manner everyone else wants...little do they realize this is his will and his time not ours. We learned the day you left to trust him completely and we do. If and when there is a time we are meant to get a job or do something other than what we are currently doing, then he will guide us that way. Daddy has been applying for jobs now numerous times a week and still has not found one. Some people think he is just sitting home doing nothing yet they don't really get how difficult it is out there right now and that when God wants him to have one, he will have one. We have looked back and realized we are pieces in his plan because everything that happened prior to you leaving us and every single thing was put in place to prepare us for that day.
So many days I sit there wondering why God took you. What life lesson did he want to teach us? One day it came to me, it wasn't really a lesson for us although we have learned quite a bit since you left. I truly believe that this lesson was for others who are lost in their lives and God knew daddy and I would not be mad at him or have our marriage fall apart or be severely depressed. Yes we are sad but that is par the course. We are not mad or upset with God and have never been at all and we actually have this unexplainable peace in us knowing you had a purpose here in this world and a purpose to you being in heaven.
The one lesson I have taken from all of this is that the only person I can rely on is God himself and that I don't "need" other people in my life I choose to have them. I've learned that our family comes first and that I am no longer just going to drop things in order to meet other peoples needs and expectations of me and that it is ok to do that. Somewhere in there I also realized I don't need anyone's approval about my life and the things I do. They can talk about me all they want and feel what they want and I can say I am not going to be a part of that anymore. That was very hard for me because until you died I would do whatever someone else wanted me to do and do whatever it was I thought they wanted or needed with no regard for myself or daddy and your big brothers.
I realized I cannot please everyone and have given myself the permission to do what I need to do for our little family because no one else is going to do that for us, it has been proven over and over again to me. God is truly all I "need" in my life and that is such a powerful life lesson that very few people every truly understand. I can feel his presence in my life and the things that I do and know that they are ok and this is where we are suppose to be in accordance with his plan. It still saddens me that he had to take you to teach lessons to people. I want to hold you and I want to be with you and I wish this wasn't my life but I know I cannot change anything and have to live according to his plan and not mine.
Tears will forever roll from my eyes and down my cheeks for your loss just as they did the day you were born from the joy you brought to us. I would not have traded you to not have this pain. You have made me a better person on so many levels and I thank God for that every single day. All of us here miss you and love you more than words can say. Your brothers still talk about you every day and how you are in the clouds or in heaven. They send balloons to you all the time and color pictures for you and write you letters. I know you are watching from heaven and see our lives without you in them and how very different they are now. I know different does not mean bad and that we are where we are suppose to be. I ask God to hold you and tell you how much I love you and give you hugs and kisses from me all the time. What I wouldn't do to be able to do that myself! For now I have to hold you in my heart until I am with you again. Asking you to watch over everyone is way to much for such a little boy, I just ask that you know how much we all love and miss you and that we cannot wait to be with you again some day in heaven.
George's Guardian's of Grace Projects
Stocking project is now in full force collecting donations. We have a list of the items we can use. You can also choose to sponsor a stocking in memory or honor of someone else. We will include a paragraph or two in the cards we place in the stockings to let the recipient know about the person that means so much to you. Our paypal account is posted on this page and ready to take donations. Email us for a list of items needed or with any questions or information you would like included on a sponsored stocking/donation.
Video Tributes/Celebration of Life Footage
Here is a link to a video tribute that was made by Richard's dad in memory of George. Get out your tissues!
We Finally have footage from the service up and running:
It is in 4 sections running about 17 mins each. If you were unable to attend, you can now see what you missed. We were so blessed to have everyone there with us in person and in spirit!