A Letter from Heaven author Unknown

My Dearest Family

Some things I'd like to say

But first of all to let you know

That I arrived Today

I'm writing this from Heaven

Where I dwell with God above

Where there's no more tears or

Sadness, there is just eternal love

Please do not be unhappy

Just because I'm out of sight

Remember that I'm with you

Every morning, noon, and night

That day I had to leave you

When my life on Earth was through

God picked me up and hugged me

And He said "I welcome you"

It's good to have you back again

You were missed while you were gone

As for your dearest family

They'll be here later on

I need you here so badly

As part of My big plan

There's so much that we have to do

To help our mortal man

Then God gave me a list of things

He wished for me to do

And foremost on that list of mine

Is to watch and care for you

And i will be beside you

Every day and week and year

And when you're sad

I'm standing there

To wipe away each tear

And when you lie in bed at night

The days chores put to flight

God and I are closest to you

In the middle of the night

When you think of my life on Earth

And all those loving years

Because you're only human

They are bound to bring you tears

But do not be afraid to cry

It does relieve the pain

But remember there would be no flowers

Unless there was some rain

I wish that I could tell you

Of all that God has planned

but If I were to tell you

You wouldn't understand

But one thing is for certain

Though my life on Earth is over

I am closer to you now

Than I was ever before

And to my many friends

Trust that God knows what is best

I'm still not far away from you

I'm just beyond the crest

There are rocky roads ahead of you

And many hills to climb

But together we can do it

Taking one day at a time

It was always my philosophy

and I'd like it for you too

That as you give to the world

So the world will give to you

If you can help somebody

Who is in sorrow or in pain

Then you can say to God at night

My day was not in vain

And now I am contented

That my life it was worthwhile

Knowing as I passed along the way

That I made somebody smile

So if you meet somebody

Who is feeling down and low

Just lend a hand to pick them up

As on your way you go

When you are walking

down the street

An you've got me on your mind

I'm walking in your footsteps

Only half a step behind

And when you feel the gentle breeze

Or the wind upon your face

That's me giving you a great big hug

Or just a soft embrace

And when it's time for you to go

From that body to be free

Remember you're not going

You are coming here to me

And I will always love you

From that land way up above

Will be in touch again soon

P.S. God sends his love

Signed,

YOUR CHILD

Missed You Today

I missed you a lot today. We celebrated your big brother's 6th birthday today with our friend Vanessa and her family. The two of us have always been pregnant together and she always had the opposite sex baby than I did every time. We have had 4 and 1. Today it was the first time I realized how hard it was to be there and not have you. The missing number was just so much more apparent.

I watched her little guy running around and thought of you immediately. You guys should have been the best of friends doing things together. Ironically you changed her life and made Vanessa hug her children tighter at night and her heart breaks for me and our family all the time. Whenever I see her I think of you and know how much you have touched her life and I know she thinks of you all the time. Being there celebrating was wonderful but made me really realize how much you not being there with us made me miss you.

Vanessa has become even closer to us since you died. She honors your memory ever single chance she gets. She is the one person who has stopped by on all major events and supported us in any capacity possible. I remember all the times she stopped by with a gift or small token of her sentiment. She never really knew what to do but always made the effort and it always meant the world especially when no one else tried. On her son's birthday she had a balloon there with your name on it and monkey cupcakes and lollipops since she could not imagine not planning her child's first birthday. They honored you in such a special way that my heart just swelled with so much love for them. She even told her sister who is pregnant with a boy that she can't use monkeys since they are yours:o) Her saying that just made me smile.

The ride home with Gabrielle babbling in the back made me realize how blessed we really are to have had you for the short time we did. Life is so very precious and although I want more I am grateful it wasn't any less time. God has blessed me with your brothers and your sister and although they don't take the pain of your loss away, they make me appreciate all that I do have and you taught me how to do it in a different way. There is this love for life that I have now that I didn't have before. I hurt in some ways but have gained other life pleasures. The life trails we face mean nothing since nothing is worse than not having you here with us. They can take my house and everything else but nothing can hurt anymore than the day you went to heaven no matter how sad it is.

People look at us with this pitty look but little do they know as much as we hurt we still praise God and appreciate what we do have rather than what we have lost. Your life here is gone but your eternal life is forever. Our house will be gone but he memories never will be. Life as we knew it just a few short years ago has changed beyond belief and is nothing we ever anticipated but in some ways it was what we needed rather than what we want. The hard stuff makes you appreciate the simple things and learn to live in the moment not the past or future. This is such a hard life lesson to learn and I still work on it every day. Every day of my life I will miss you but I missed you a little more today. Love you little monkey...play freely in heaven and know I am sending you hugs and kisses every day.

Birthdays

Tomorrow will be Joshua's 6th birthday! I cannot believe he is going to be that old. Of course some of the first things I think of was how excited Hugh and I were to find our we were expecting him. That pregnancy and birth were just full of so much excitement and joy for us, the only actual one that did not hold any sort of worry for the baby's health. I remember having an anxiety attack right before being taken back to the OR for my planned c-section. Looking at Hugh's panicked face as my blood pressure dropped immediately, I looked at him and told him "I don't want to do this anymore, I have changed my mind, take me home!"

That was so unrealistic as everything was ran and that little boy moving inside was ready to meet the world. Little did we know at that moment how much he would really change our lives, in ways we never expected him to be. They walked me back to the OR and this path we now travel meant no turning back and we didn't even know it then. My spinal was given and that blue drape was placed up as Hugh was brought into the room where he sat by my head. Before we knew it this long skinny little string bean who we had already named Joshua David was born with a big beautiful little cry.

Hugh was such a proud papa! He went out that night with his brother and friends to celebrate and he even had a cigar to pass around and share with others as he celebrated the birth of his first biological child. People came to visit at the hospital and life as we knew it was good. Joshua was a fussy baby but not as bad as his big brother Richard was 6 years earlier. Time had gone by so I really didn't remember much about Richard as a baby other than all he did was cry. Hugh was a big help with Joshua unlike Richard's father so I really did not think twice when this big blue eyed little wonder peered up at me with nothing by a wail. It wasn't until he was 4months old that we started down the path we still travel...Mito.

From then on, all births were just not the same and full of this worry that I will always have for the rest of my life and now have in such a greater capacity since George died...the horrible fear with each night as I tuck them all in...will this be my last words spoken to my children or last moments with them. Would I wake in the morning to find that the Lord had called them in the dark of night or dawn of morning? That fear was realized the morning George died and has greatened my fear well beyond what it used to be and birthdays now have such a different meaning to me.

I now am thankful for another wonderful year that God has blessed us with but also wonder if this year will be the year God calls them home and beg him with all that I have that he never takes another child of mine until after he has called me. Will their disease get worse or what obstacles will they face this coming year and yet so thankful for the simple blessings of the health that they currently have even though it is not perfect. Yes things changed immensely the day George died but it also changed in such a great capacity the day we had Joshua and a year following when he was flown to GA to have testing that would change our lives and hopes for our future forever.

For me Joshua's birthday now carries some other sort of pain with it. It means that George's is right around the corner. It makes me think of not only Joshua's birth but also George's and how much he meant to me and his big brother. These next few weeks I should be making plans for another party...something I just love to do as their mommy. George was the apple of Joshua's eye! Joshua was so very close to George and had a special connection with him that the other boys didn't and I am not sure if it was his age or what it was but ironically the two of them looked so much alike!!! To this day Joshua is the one who remembers the most out of the kids about the morning we found George and is very impacted about it all even if we don't realize it or know it.

This will be the second birthday we will celebrate of George's where he won't be here to blow out the candles...he never even had a chance to do it once. The thought of it this year is even harder since we don't have anything big planned like we did last year. I have opted to take time off from doing fundraisers to just focus on our family for a while even though I wanted to do something for George on his birthday, I just didn't have it in me this year to do it with all that is going on with the house and the kids. We have instead chosen to do random acts of kindness that day in his honor his memory and are going to ask others to do the same. I'd like it if they could share with me what they have chosen to do so I can add it to his baby book but other requests just for a simple email have not been fruitful so I am just going to really make it something with our little family and if anyone else wants to do it than that would be awesome but the heartache of others not really caring enough to participate is just to hurtful and that day comes with its own set of pain.

George's birthday this year is going to be kind of different since my niece Mallory was born last year around the time his first birthday was. They will share the same weekend for a party so I just felt it was better to celebrate the living and remember George quietly in my own way even though standing at another party that weekend will be beyond difficult. I know with all of my heart that my niece was meant to be born that time of year for a reason...she was actually conceived right before George died. She is very special to me since I watch her grow and meet all the milestones just like George should have and get to see what it would have been like had he lived. Her due date was the day after George's birthday and secretly inside I kind of wished she had shared that day with him. Knowing her own personal loss of my nephew Gavin, my sister was kind enough to ask me if I had anything planned for George's birthday weekend but I didn't this year since we are going down to Disney the following week.

Disney for me is such a happy place since it is the only place we took as a family trip with him included. I am really glad that we are going there this year when we are. In a way we kind of get to celebrate for him there just by having fun and taking Gabby for the first time. I think while I am there I am going to get him something special for his birthday to put on his mantle. yes it seems odd to buy something for a dead child but in some way as their mom you feel the need to do such. All of my kids mean the world to me no matter where they reside!

Tomorrow please say an extra prayer for Joshua!

Unexpected Feelings

Today was such an odd day for me. My aunt came over with her grandchildren. One of them is only a month older than George would have been. I remember how everyone was so leery of bringing her around me when George died. This was the first time I ever met this little girl. She is so beautiful but all I could think of was how George would have been doing all she was doing. It made me wonder what he would have looked like and how he would have been.

This little girl is such a blessing and does not live an easy life. Right now her mommy has a drug problem and cannot care for her sister and this beautiful girl. She has been in trouble with the law and cannot care for her children but knew that enough to have my aunt care for her children, something I give her a lot of credit for. Looking at this child just made my heart swell with a love and want to just be with her. My heart broke for her mother knowing how much she was missing out on and could not fathom voluntarily giving my children away.

I could see this yearning in Hugh's eyes and see that he was thinking the same thing. He went back downstairs to work on the room down there. Part of it was because he wants to finish the room but I could see how hard it was for him. The feeling was so strong. Seeing her made us think of our little boy in heaven. It wasn't a sad feeling like so many people thought it would be. All I wanted to do was look at her and wonder how our little guy would have been. Every part of me just wanted to pick her up and hug her and kiss her. I just wanted to keep her with us even though I knew I couldn't.

After Gabrielle was born, I was very hesitant to have another baby. People already look at us and think we are crazy or look down on our family because of our problems and the amount of children we have. They don't know anything behind our story and why we have made certain decisions and when we made them things looked like they were fine and going to be great and then wham...something bad happens and we are yet again struggling to dig out of the hole. After seeing this little girl it made me realize that I don't care what other people think at all and that eventually I would like another baby. Hugh and I both feel that one more will complete our family. No child could ever replace George but after seeing this girl I realized that we were just meant to have one more child. Right now isn't the ideal time but sometime in the future is now something I am willing to consider when before I really was on the fence about it all.

I really thought that my feelings about all of this would be very different. God somehow took that sadness I thought I was going to have and turned it to something completely unexpected. It made me happy to see this little girl and see how much joy she created. These moments I know God's hand are directly placed in my life and are gracing me with his presence and love to show me the way and follow his calling.