George Charles Garman 09/09/09 to 01/29/10

January 29, 2010 our world was turned upside down when our 4 month old little boy earned his wings after a battle with Mitochondrial Disease and awoke in the Lords loving arms.

"Life can not be measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away."

George's Guardian's of Grace Projects

Stocking project is now in full force collecting donations. We have a list of the items we can use. You can also choose to sponsor a stocking in memory or honor of someone else. We will include a paragraph or two in the cards we place in the stockings to let the recipient know about the person that means so much to you. Our paypal account is posted on this page and ready to take donations. Email us for a list of items needed or with any questions or information you would like included on a sponsored stocking/donation.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Thinking About My Little Monkey

There is not a day that doesn't go by that I don't think of my little monkey and how much I miss him. The past few days I have found that our front room will smell like his room did around the time he died for a brief moments in the morning. It makes me wonder if he is coming to visit or just letting me know that he knows how much I miss him. I made a candle that I light when I am thinking of him and every morning the sun shines in the window and the beam lights up the colored glass as if the candle is glowing. The rest of the room is not lit up, just that glass piece and it is always at the same time that the smell of his room is there.

Today I decided to go through and pull out Gabrielle's next size clothing and see what we have for her. We have been fortunate that some great people have given us things for her to use. Mixed in among the clothes were items that were George's that he never wore but that would work for a little girl. I pulled out the t shirts and knew they were his immediately or a sports tee that I know I had bought for him but he never made it to wear. I cannot tell you how very heart breaking it is to know you had such plans for something so simple that never came to fruition. There is some sort of bitter sweetness that comes with sharing these things with Gabrielle.

We are getting closer to the age George was when he died as Gabby hits her 3 month mark. I remember that George weighed less but that I had just pulled out his 3-6month clothing for him right before he died. The closer we get the more anxiety I tend to have with Gabrielle. He was Gabby's age now right around Christmas time and all I think of was how I didn't know that time was limited and that it would be my only holiday season ever with my son. Somehow in all of this, it makes me cherish the time with the kids in a way much different than ever before. I don't want to ever have regrets like the ones I now carry for the rest of my life for things that I wished I had done with him thinking I would have more time to do it.

He has taught me so many things that I didn't know before or just took for granite. There is a special place in my heart for him and a gratefulness to God that I will always have for letting me be his mommy. I pray that he help me to do his will and use this tragedy to change the world in a positive manner. The other day I had a visit from a woman who has become part of our family over the past few years. It was so nice to visit with her and talk to her. She reads a lot of what I write and told me to keep doing what I am doing. It made me know that keeping this blog and sharing those raw feelings and all that has come since George died has been a positive thing and even though others don't realize what this really is all about, there are many who do and appreciate the way I allow people into our world and hold nothing back. I think in some ways it shows the human part of emotions, good and bad, and how God changes us through good and bad feelings that we have.

I have looked back on the person I was before my son died. Now, over a year later, I am such a different person. The feelings and the pain are there but they are different now. Shock has worn off and I have had to deal with the reality that he is gone and all the obstacles that have also been placed in our way. There were times when I read what I wrote and realized misplaced anger, lack of understanding, frustration, and other times full of hope, inspiration, and strength. No matter my feelings the one thing that has not wavered has been my faith. I have watched my faith change but never has it wavered but has actually become stronger with each obstacle. I think that before all of this I thought I was a strong person and that all of the struggles were my limit of strength, but I was wrong. Somehow in all of this I learned that I am capable of anything that God wants me to do. It isn't always what I want to do and it is not always easy but putting my faith in him at all turns of life has been a huge lesson. I cannot plan things myself, they never turn out that way. Instead I have learned to listen to those subtle whispers and heartfelt nudges towards the path God wants me to follow. Somehow I am learning to not doubt myself and just know if this is what he wants it will happen no matter what.

The most important thing is that we love one another and work through these things we are faced with together. Even if we loose everything, as long as we have one another the rest of it is all just things. We can't take our house with us or any other materialistic things. It is scary to face the thought we may no longer call this house our home and it breaks my heart to think that it is even possible. Somehow even if we do loose our house I know that God sees the greater picture and I don't. I remember when Hugh lost his job and how I just had faith that it would all be ok, something I didn't usually have, but I thank God every day that he did loose his job. God gave him such a gift by allowing him to spend time with George before he took him back. Hugh never would have had that time and as hard as it was for our family, I thank God for it ever single moment of the day. I remember going through my divorce and all that came before it and didn't understand any of it and yet now I thank him for the gift of guidance and putting my life on a different path than it was on.

Among all of the life tragedies we have faced, none is grater than the death of our son. I know that if we can get through that in tact and stronger that there is not a thing we cannot do. I am not building my home here on Earth, I am working towards the greater picture and the home I will return to in son is already there creating a place for of the passages I picked for his service was about just that and now every time I hear of it I think of how much more meaning that passage now has to us. It is going to be the most glorious day when I know I have done all that God has called me to do for that is the day I will be with my son again...until then I will continue to do all that I am called to no matter how impossible it may seem. All things are possible through Christ!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths."
- Proverbs 3:5-6

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Did God Spare Him?

I often sit and wonder why God took my little boy so soon. It breaks my heart to see all the dreams I had for him just disappear only to be left with heartache. I've always said that my faith has never wavered but that I just don't understand it at all. I don't think that I ever really will until I am called home myself someday. I miss his smile, his laugh, and just the way he lit up when he saw me. The time I had with his is something that I will always cherish in a way that no one will ever understand.

A few minutes ago I happened to look at a picture of Joshua when he was little that my cousin had posted on Facebook. It was from a time when Josh was having some serious issues medically and although no one else really believed he was that sick, you could really see it in the picture. Joshua's face was very drawn and he was super skinny. His eyes were just as big and blue as they are now but they just looked sick. I remember those days and how I would try just about anything to get him to eat or to add calories to his meals. Even though he "looked good" he truly was a sick little boy even if others didn't realize it. Those days all of a sudden came flooding back. I remember how close he came to getting a feeding tube and although people thought he didn't need one, looking at that picture I realized how he did. Fortunately, we were able to put him on a medication that increased his appetite and became our saving grace and made it so we did not have to give him a feeding tube.

George looked so much like his big brother Josh. He was such a happy baby but truly had some serious medical issues going on. I don't think people really knew how sick he truly was. His reflux was just horrible. We were trying to get it under control but without him doing the things for the doctors that he was doing at home, I was having a hard time getting him what he needed. Specialized baby formula was not even working for him and even with me adding cereal and trying to make the formula more tolerable for him, we still had trouble. Several times he had breathing problems that I told docs about but he would never replicate it in their presence. I really was afraid for him and didn't know how to help him or how to get him the help he needed. The boys old pediatrician tried to give me as much help as he could but he seriously thought that George had Mito like the other boys and the worst of the kids.

In my heart I truly know he was a sick little boy and it made me wonder if God spared him a lifetime of pain and suffering. I know what I went through and still go through with the boys who are healthier and how hard it is to get people to believe me or be able to help when they can't see what I see. In the end I don't know what ultimately took the life from his little body but I do know he had Mito and that he fought it every single day like a little champ. He was such a trooper and I know he would have kept fighting if God had chosen that for him but he didn't. God chose to call him home well before I ever thought he would.

I would gladly have taken care of him no matter the condition he was in. For his sake though, I would not want him to have to live in pain or live in and out of hospitals like so many other children with this disease. I have watched many parents live the hard part of this disease where they watch their child go through numerous surgeries and have feeding tubes or traches placed or other surgeries for GI problems. We would have gladly walked that path with out little boy if God had chosen that for us but that was not what he had planned for our son. I wonder if God saved him from a life of this and just gave him the gift of not having to endure anymore that he already was at the time. We had the time to love him and he truly had the gift of only knowing unconditional love and none of the pains of this world. If we have to endure this so he didn't have to know anything other than our love than I would do it a million times over. That picture just brought it all into focus a little and made me think of what life would have possibly been like for him.

Video Tributes/Celebration of Life Footage

Here is a link to a video tribute that was made by Richard's dad in memory of George. Get out your tissues!!/video/video.php?v=1360981185308&ref=mf

We Finally have footage from the service up and running:!/video/video.php?v=1368692138077&ref=mf!/video/video.php?v=1368733099101!/video/video.php?v=1368770540037

It is in 4 sections running about 17 mins each. If you were unable to attend, you can now see what you missed. We were so blessed to have everyone there with us in person and in spirit!

Me With My Prince Charming In Front of the Castle

Me With My Prince Charming In Front of the Castle