George Charles Garman 09/09/09 to 01/29/10

January 29, 2010 our world was turned upside down when our 4 month old little boy earned his wings after a battle with Mitochondrial Disease and awoke in the Lords loving arms.

"Life can not be measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away."

George's Guardian's of Grace Projects

Stocking project is now in full force collecting donations. We have a list of the items we can use. You can also choose to sponsor a stocking in memory or honor of someone else. We will include a paragraph or two in the cards we place in the stockings to let the recipient know about the person that means so much to you. Our paypal account is posted on this page and ready to take donations. Email us for a list of items needed or with any questions or information you would like included on a sponsored stocking/donation.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Hard Day

Today was a very difficult day emotionally for me. Majority of the day I was either crying or close to crying and dispite my best efforts, I just couldn't get past my feelings of loss. My heart just feels so empty and it just hurts so bad at times I just need to be left alone and on my own. That of course is not always possible with having kids, a husband, and family, actually it is impossible.

A lot of my emotions are running high because the sad realization of this all just sinks in very hard. I'm so sad that my life is like this and it hurts to know it will never ever be the same again. I've always had a challenging life. Ever single time I think I have it together something terrible happens. I don't understand it all and just keep asking God why in the world does he keep doing this to me. Just when I think it can't get worse it does. Nothing could be worse then loosing my son but then the general circumstances of life happen and add to the pain.

My sister is having a baby and happens to be due right around George's birthday. I'm so happy for her but am sad at the same time. I feel horrible because it is suppose to be a happy time but everyone worries about me and hurting my feelings. It is going to hurt no matter what happens and that is the sucky part. It should be a happy time for her and her husband but instead it is only somewhat happy due to George dying. I feel bad about it all but I know she understands but htis all just adds to the emotions that come with the loss of a child.

Yesterday she found out she was having a girl. I'm happy for her since I know she really wanted a girl. She felt bad telling me because she knows Hugh and I have always wanted a girl but have not been blessed with one. I was happy for her dispite my sadness for myself and the dream I had for myself and my life. I didn't grieve the fact that she was having a girl but rather the loss of my own dreams and how far I have come from where I thought I would be in my life and just wanted to know why life has always been so hard for me.

We had gone to my mom's house and she showed me her ultrasound pictures. It was so great to see them but also made me think of mine from George and how happy I was. Later on that night my aunt had come to visit and my mom had said something to her about my necklace. I showed it to her but somewhere in all of it, I just realized that this was all I would ever have to show for my son. We have his pictures but they are never going to be new and all I am left with are ashes in a necklace while everyone else will have more then that with their children. My sister will eventually fill a book with pictures. People wont' be akward or sad to look at them like they are when they look at George's pictures. The very thought of it is all so emotional.

I am greatful for the things I have, don't get me wrong. There is just a point that you get to sometimes when you ask why? When is it all enough? Many times I have told Hugh he needs to leave me because I am just bad luck. His life was so much simpler when he didn't know me. For whatever reason, I have a preverbial black cloud following me around. He of course knows I am kidding but all of the challenges in my life, this being the biggest, make it difficult to get through the day sometimes. Today was one of those days.

I know a lot of what I am feeling is normal and I have to go through all of this but it stinks. In general, I think I am just impatient with the grief process. I just want this pain to subside and it won't. Sometimes it is worse and other times it is tollerable. I find writing is theraputic for me and also just being alone with my thoughts at times. It is there in the silence that I can pray and ask for guidance. I can also cry and be mad and not feel as if I have to have it together all the time or for someone else. That pretend smile does not have to be plastered on and I can just be me. I think having cleaned out George's room this week coupled with all the other emotional components, today was just my day to have it all hit at once. In general, I think that is how it is going to be. You seem to have it together for a while and then hits you.

Michael, believe it or not has been my saving grace. Joshua and Richard are off doing their own thing most of the time and usually at my mom's house. Michael is here because he is a homebody. Right now we are spending a lot of time together. For whatever reason, he knows just when I need a hug or kiss. He has become a big mommy's boy lately, and that is strange for him. Michael has always been a daddy's boy from the moment he took his first breath. I don't know if it was because I was knocked out for his birth and it took us longer to connect or if it is just his general disposition. Lately, he has just wanted me to do things with him, including getting him on the bus and playing with him. Today he went shopping with me and it was nice to be out and let him participate in it all and get away from the house and saddness for awhile.

We went shopping for some sheets for both Josh and Michael. A few days ago, Joshua asked to move his stuff into George's room. We had began to clean it out and Josh wanted to move in there to be close to him. Part of it made me sad but also happy. He said that he missed his Georgie and wanted to sleep in his room. That started us on our quest to redecorate the room. We have opted to begin changing their things over to organic materials. After a lot of research we feel it is going to be the best decision for them since most of the things our society uses are toxic to cells and with the boys already having cell dysfuncion, we have opted to try and reduce as much of it as possible. They are so excited to have new things and Michael had a great time shopping to look for things.

We are looking to do their room with dinosaurs. Michael loves them!!! The main idea came from our trip to Disney. It was our first and last trip with George. While we were there, each of the boys got a stuffed Build a Dino from TRex. When we were cleaning George's room out we saw his dinosaur which was in his bed the day he died and felt that it would be fitting to bring him into part of the room since it is his bedroom too. It is a way to let it be the boys room but still George's room and encorporate a happy time in our lives. I think that is kind of how things will be from now on. We will now have to think of a way to keep going forward but also still keep his memory alive.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Friday, April 16, 2010


It has now been 11 weeks since my little boy earned his wings...I find it sad that I count the weeks that he has died rather then the weeks of his life. There is not much anyone can do about this, it is just the natural process of losing a child and trying to find a way to cope with it. It is very similar to having a child though... while you are pregnant you count the weeks, you count the months when they are born, and then once they hit a year, you begin to count the years. It is very ironic how close life and death are from one another.

Today I sat her with my sister and talked and cried. She just kept saying that she couldn't immagine this whole thing and how we feel since she knows how bad she feels. So many people have told us over and over again that they just don't know how we do it and can't immagine the pain. As I was taking a shower I realized a way to explain it to people, at least the whole grieving parent thing.

It is as if you are in a car and it starts to rain. The car you are driving is on its last leg when all of a sudden it starts to pour out of now where on a bright sunny day. The windshield wipers don't work well, your tires are lucky to be touching the pavement, and the clouds ahead are as dark as night with what seems like no end in sight, and the rain keeps coming. There are lots of other cars on the road but they are in better shape then yours and are not having as much difficulty getting through the sudden down pour like you are in your vehicle.

For me the other cars that are not as broken down are those who have experienced the road of grief but not as a parent. Everyone can understand and see the guy in the beat up car but there is nothing they can do for him as he makes his way slowly down the road. As the driver(the bereaved parent) you know you have to go slow and keep praying that you make it through the storm alive! You no longer worry about that meeting you were headed to, you just want to get out of the storm. Not everyone has ever driven one of these broken down cars so although they can understand what it is like to have your car in the shop, they don't know the craziness of having to constantly drive a car on its last leg.

To me the car itself(not the state of the car) represents faith. Dispite the circumstances of my car, it is protecting me from the sudden down pour that I did not expect( I had even checked the weather before I left the house! just like all parents try to protect their children.). The car will eventually get me from point A to point B even though it may not be the way I had anticipated it. Some people may break down along the way and may need help where others in these cars make it dispite the odds. Many of us driving a broken car look at the rain and are thankful for the very car we do have for our mind wanders to those who don't have a car at all(those who have not found faith) and are unsheltered in the terrible weather. They are soaked and overwhelmed when this sort of weather takes place. The wet clothes make their walk alone in the pouring rain almost impossible to get through. Sometimes they will be picked up along the way and others will have to keep walking alone in the the rain.

We also know that it cannot rain forever and that eventually the rain will stop and make way for the sun even if it does not clear up completely. Just as rain does, it varies in intensity the entire time. A grieving parent goes through ups and downs. There are moments in the storm where it pours and then there are slight drizzles, and then there are moments where it doesn't rain but the sun is not out.

Many times a down pour will bring you to think of places like Hawii where it is beautiful and sunny and what you would give to be there. That is the very thought of how you feel others have it better and wish that your life could just be different so you don't have to feel the pain(weather the storm). The thing we all forget in those moments is that Hawii gets hurricans and has it's own set of problems(everyone has their own troubles that make their lives difficult)

Eventually you come back to realize that the storm is coming to an end and that the sun does shine.The broken down car you drove got you through the storm. You will never be able to upgrade your car but you can still get a tune up and put on new wipers and tires. A person who has lost their child will never be the same again but will find a way to make it through this to live the "new normal" that they will forever have to live. I think that our perception on life and faith changes but now that we have the experience we are wiser or just have learned to work through our grief to be able to handle the road we are traveling on.(just like a more experienced drive is vs a new driver)

I have no intention of getting out to walk, but rather seek refuge in my car even if it happens to stall for a moment or two or feel as if it may. My faith is strong. There are times I am mad at God and ask why which seem very overwhelming at times. I don't question my faith but have found it difficult at time to wrap my head around it all. I know deep inside that my faith is my refuge and God will see me through.

This analogy is only my way of trying to help people understand something that is so very difficult to understand unless they have walked the road that we now walk. I think that jsut about everyone knows what it is like to drive a car so it is something that would have a greater understanding then the actual loss of a child. We will eventually get through this storm. There is a song called Bring on the Rain that is listed on here and that is how I feel so many times. I pray to God all the time for him to see us through this especially when it is pouring outside.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010


So many times I wonder when will the tears ever end? I know the answer is never...but keep praying for an end to this sort of pain. The sad part is I know I will carry this pain for the rest of my life...yes it will change but it will never go away. My heart has never been heavier then what it was today. We began to clean out George's room today. I had bagged up his things and that was hard to do but now they are offically not in our house anymore. We took those and his crib to my mom's house until my sister decides if she wants to use his things or we find them another home. It is the hardest thing to ever have to do.

In a way it is even harder then the day he died. I think sometimes the aftermath is worse then the actual event. The memories haunt you and the pain is all to real. When it is happening, you are in a state of shock so it never really sinks in or hurts like it does weeks later. All of the insanity of the events is over and you are left with your own thoughts and heavy heart trying to figure out how to move forward from such a terrible and unexpected tradgedy. Most of the day today I just prayed to God asking him to help me through this because although I knew I had to do it, I knew I could not do it alone.

It was such a big day altogether. Michael went to school for his first day. We thought he would be fine and no snags since all he could talk about for the past few weeks was going to school. This morning came and he cried saying he didn't want to go. For Hugh and I it was hard enough knowing that there was no one else coming up in the ranks to get on the school bus and our heart just ached knowing that George was gone and Michael was growing up. To hear him cry and say he didn't want to go was just torture.

I'm sure that it is kind of how God must feel when we go through trails in life. It has got to be much like a child must feel their first day of school. Many of us don't remember that day since we were all quite young. You don't know what to expect and everything you are comfortable with and use to is changed forever. God, like a parent, knows that you must move forward and take this step no matter how much you cry and want to not do it. It rips your heart out to hear them cry and see them afraid, yet you know you must get them on that bus so that they can grow and become the people they are meant to be. You can't really prepare children since they don't really get the concept but you know after they have done it they will be ok even if they cry for a while after.

I think I am now at the point where I am crying still. For the very first time it really hit me that my little boy was gone. I came across the pictures from the hospital where we were holding after he had earned his wings. The memories came flooding back and for the first time it was all real. I held his lock of hair and looked at his baptism certificate and foot prints that were all done after he died. His crib was taken down at that point and I realized that I would never lay another child in his crib and the very thought of that just saddened me. I remember holding him that day and for the first time the fact that he died just overwhelmed me and reality just set in. I miss him so much.

Hugh and I are both still haunted by the events of that day. Certain things will trigger panic attacks still. Last night I had a horrible dream where I found Joshua dead and in my dream, I thought Oh, my God, not again, I can't do this again! I woke up with my heart racing and had a horrible time going back to sleep. Even when I did and I woke in the morning my heart was still in my throat. Ironically, even in my dream, I kept thinking of Job and how he lost everything and although I feel like I have lost everything, in reality I have not and I am so greatful for the things I have. That does not change the sheer fact that the panic attacks are still going to be there and that I have to find a way to live with this weight now in my heart and the bad memories in my mind.

Hugh is out tonight at his friends house. He had planned this for a while so there was no way I could even ask him to stay home tonight. Emotinally, I kind of needed him here but I know he needs his time away too. It is time for me to just pray and try to find an inner peace that I have been seeking since George left us. I know he is here in my heart but it does not help the fact that my arms are empty and yearn to hold him still. He was so beautiful, and I look at pictures and cry remembering how happy he made me and how we had a special connection.

There are moments that I get those moments of peace when I get some sign that he is ok. Today, after I had a really good cry looking at those pictures, I continued to go through his room. I came across his diaper bag and started to clean it out. Well, I went through every pocked and cried over the toys hanging off the side which were the last thing I took off. Once again I went through the pockets to make sure I didn't miss anything before I put it in the bag of things to go to the church for the rummage sale. I had thought everything was out and as I looked in I saw a penny heads up in the bottom of the bag. Anyone who knows our family, knows that it was my grandmom's thing. To me it was her way of letting me know that he was ok and was with her. It may sound odd or stupid but I found some sort of comfort in that. It was like the dream I had the other day with George in it. I was holding him again but it was different then any dream before, he was letting me knwo he was ok and that I would hold him again someday.

I know that each day will hold its own challenges but I am so greatful for my faith because I cannot immagine going through this witout it. I feel sorry for those who do not have faith and walk this road because I cannot immagine it completely alone. Even though many times I feel very alone, I know that Christ is walking with me so deep inside I don't feel so alone. People who don't have faith must really have a very difficult time finding peace and a way to move forward after something like this happens to them. I have actually added those people to my prayers at night because I cannot fathom the pain they must feel.

Tears streem from my eyes because I hurt inside but I also cry tears of joy knowing my baby has eternal life. I cannot think of a greater gift and I would not want to take that from him. He never knew the pain of this world like so many of us do. I would never want him to have the pain that I now carry and I would endure this pain a million times over if it meant that none of my children or loved ones/friends had to ever endure this. I especially would not want this for him and I know that the day he died, the only thing he ever knew was love and what a great thing that is, he went from know is heartly family's love to know his heavenly family's love and never knew true sorrow or pain and I would not take that from him to just be selfish and have him back for myself.

Monday, April 12, 2010


Today has been a very rough day emotionally. Hugh and I are doing spring cleaning since our church is having their rummage sale this coming weekend. Both of us know we cannot keep George's things forever. Together we have decided what we will keep of his and what we will donate to the church. We cannot sell it or just give it away to some charity we have no connection with for many emotional reasons. This is probably the hardest thing anyone will ever have to do in their lives. Before we chose to keep things, I prayed that God would be with us as we made these decisions because at no point will it be easy or a better time to do it.

My sister is having a baby and we have offered her some of his things including his crib and changing table. We do not expect anyone to take these things but would rather offer them to someone we know to use since they have so much meaning to us. Both of us have agreed that we have to both be able to get rid of or keep something or it doesn't happen either way. My sister is prayerfully contemplating if she can handle using his things and both Hugh and I are greatful for this but also understand if she cannot. We knew that using his things would be difficult for anyone if they knew that a baby who had earned their wings happend to use them first. There is just some sort of stigma with things coming from those who have gone on before us. I remember when a friend of ours gave us their car and told us that their daughter who had died had been brought home in it and it was the only ride that she ever took in it. For whatever reason it had more meaning to Hugh and I knowing this but then again we never knew the child personally but now understnad th meaning behind them not wanting to just get rid of it or give it to just some random person.

We are trying to begin our "new" life and doing all of this is sort of a way to start over. The whole process is very difficult and only those who have been down this road before truly understand the magnitude of this path and the decisions. No one could fathom this sort of path in life becase I know that I never could and prayed that I never would have to. Somewhere along the road God had chosen us for this path and I can say that we are not angry and not mad and understand that he knew we could walk the road without being robbed along the way of our faith.

I've sat here thinking of how my grandmother use to say that God closes a door and opens a window. In some ways I think that it is wrong. I kept thinking of the passage that we chose for the baby's service. It talked about going before us to prepare a home for us in heaven. That made me think of the actual physical structure of a house and I belive that our lives here are more like the foundation of a house. Each trail in life is more like a brick that we are given to build the foundation of our home. Here, there are all sorts of foundations and materials used to create them. Some will crack under pressure and yet others will stand strong all depending on the materials used and stress placed on them.

I believe that God his the contractor in our lives who has the plans for the house and knows what will be needed to hold the house he has in mind. None of us know what he has in store for us when we get to heaven and how grand of a home it will be. I would trust a contractor who builds homes for a living to make the decisions as to the type of foundation needed and we all need to do so with our eternal life. Just as the building process of a foundation is temporary and short, our lives here are the same and are preparing us for eternity or for the rest of our home. Holding that home is not going to be an easy task but God helps us to create our foundation so that once the home is built we can enjoy it to the fullest and not worry about the structure.

I thought about this difference because closing something just seemed so final and I know that my son is still here with me and so are all those who have gone on before me. Even though his life has ended his life still continues to build strength in so many people. God has given each of us a brick from the same lot number, George's lot, and we are each placing it in a different place that we need it in our lives to build our foundation. We are all creating our home to be able to live in God's kingdom. God knew that this struggle and this brick for our foundation would not crack under the pressure and that our faith would not waiver unlike others who may do that if presented with this challenge in their lives. I don't know if this perception makes sense to anyone else but God is building my foundation and George is preparing my home in heaven. Our road in life leads to that home and it is winding but never are we along because Christ is walking with us while God is the contractor completing our foundation.

Video Tributes/Celebration of Life Footage

Here is a link to a video tribute that was made by Richard's dad in memory of George. Get out your tissues!!/video/video.php?v=1360981185308&ref=mf

We Finally have footage from the service up and running:!/video/video.php?v=1368692138077&ref=mf!/video/video.php?v=1368733099101!/video/video.php?v=1368770540037

It is in 4 sections running about 17 mins each. If you were unable to attend, you can now see what you missed. We were so blessed to have everyone there with us in person and in spirit!

Me With My Prince Charming In Front of the Castle

Me With My Prince Charming In Front of the Castle