Hard Day

Today was a very difficult day emotionally for me. Majority of the day I was either crying or close to crying and dispite my best efforts, I just couldn't get past my feelings of loss. My heart just feels so empty and it just hurts so bad at times I just need to be left alone and on my own. That of course is not always possible with having kids, a husband, and family, actually it is impossible.

A lot of my emotions are running high because the sad realization of this all just sinks in very hard. I'm so sad that my life is like this and it hurts to know it will never ever be the same again. I've always had a challenging life. Ever single time I think I have it together something terrible happens. I don't understand it all and just keep asking God why in the world does he keep doing this to me. Just when I think it can't get worse it does. Nothing could be worse then loosing my son but then the general circumstances of life happen and add to the pain.

My sister is having a baby and happens to be due right around George's birthday. I'm so happy for her but am sad at the same time. I feel horrible because it is suppose to be a happy time but everyone worries about me and hurting my feelings. It is going to hurt no matter what happens and that is the sucky part. It should be a happy time for her and her husband but instead it is only somewhat happy due to George dying. I feel bad about it all but I know she understands but htis all just adds to the emotions that come with the loss of a child.

Yesterday she found out she was having a girl. I'm happy for her since I know she really wanted a girl. She felt bad telling me because she knows Hugh and I have always wanted a girl but have not been blessed with one. I was happy for her dispite my sadness for myself and the dream I had for myself and my life. I didn't grieve the fact that she was having a girl but rather the loss of my own dreams and how far I have come from where I thought I would be in my life and just wanted to know why life has always been so hard for me.

We had gone to my mom's house and she showed me her ultrasound pictures. It was so great to see them but also made me think of mine from George and how happy I was. Later on that night my aunt had come to visit and my mom had said something to her about my necklace. I showed it to her but somewhere in all of it, I just realized that this was all I would ever have to show for my son. We have his pictures but they are never going to be new and all I am left with are ashes in a necklace while everyone else will have more then that with their children. My sister will eventually fill a book with pictures. People wont' be akward or sad to look at them like they are when they look at George's pictures. The very thought of it is all so emotional.

I am greatful for the things I have, don't get me wrong. There is just a point that you get to sometimes when you ask why? When is it all enough? Many times I have told Hugh he needs to leave me because I am just bad luck. His life was so much simpler when he didn't know me. For whatever reason, I have a preverbial black cloud following me around. He of course knows I am kidding but all of the challenges in my life, this being the biggest, make it difficult to get through the day sometimes. Today was one of those days.

I know a lot of what I am feeling is normal and I have to go through all of this but it stinks. In general, I think I am just impatient with the grief process. I just want this pain to subside and it won't. Sometimes it is worse and other times it is tollerable. I find writing is theraputic for me and also just being alone with my thoughts at times. It is there in the silence that I can pray and ask for guidance. I can also cry and be mad and not feel as if I have to have it together all the time or for someone else. That pretend smile does not have to be plastered on and I can just be me. I think having cleaned out George's room this week coupled with all the other emotional components, today was just my day to have it all hit at once. In general, I think that is how it is going to be. You seem to have it together for a while and then wham...it hits you.

Michael, believe it or not has been my saving grace. Joshua and Richard are off doing their own thing most of the time and usually at my mom's house. Michael is here because he is a homebody. Right now we are spending a lot of time together. For whatever reason, he knows just when I need a hug or kiss. He has become a big mommy's boy lately, and that is strange for him. Michael has always been a daddy's boy from the moment he took his first breath. I don't know if it was because I was knocked out for his birth and it took us longer to connect or if it is just his general disposition. Lately, he has just wanted me to do things with him, including getting him on the bus and playing with him. Today he went shopping with me and it was nice to be out and let him participate in it all and get away from the house and saddness for awhile.

We went shopping for some sheets for both Josh and Michael. A few days ago, Joshua asked to move his stuff into George's room. We had began to clean it out and Josh wanted to move in there to be close to him. Part of it made me sad but also happy. He said that he missed his Georgie and wanted to sleep in his room. That started us on our quest to redecorate the room. We have opted to begin changing their things over to organic materials. After a lot of research we feel it is going to be the best decision for them since most of the things our society uses are toxic to cells and with the boys already having cell dysfuncion, we have opted to try and reduce as much of it as possible. They are so excited to have new things and Michael had a great time shopping to look for things.

We are looking to do their room with dinosaurs. Michael loves them!!! The main idea came from our trip to Disney. It was our first and last trip with George. While we were there, each of the boys got a stuffed Build a Dino from TRex. When we were cleaning George's room out we saw his dinosaur which was in his bed the day he died and felt that it would be fitting to bring him into part of the room since it is his bedroom too. It is a way to let it be the boys room but still George's room and encorporate a happy time in our lives. I think that is kind of how things will be from now on. We will now have to think of a way to keep going forward but also still keep his memory alive.

Tomorrow will be a better day.