Rain

It has now been 11 weeks since my little boy earned his wings...I find it sad that I count the weeks that he has died rather then the weeks of his life. There is not much anyone can do about this, it is just the natural process of losing a child and trying to find a way to cope with it. It is very similar to having a child though... while you are pregnant you count the weeks, you count the months when they are born, and then once they hit a year, you begin to count the years. It is very ironic how close life and death are from one another.

Today I sat her with my sister and talked and cried. She just kept saying that she couldn't immagine this whole thing and how we feel since she knows how bad she feels. So many people have told us over and over again that they just don't know how we do it and can't immagine the pain. As I was taking a shower I realized a way to explain it to people, at least the whole grieving parent thing.

It is as if you are in a car and it starts to rain. The car you are driving is on its last leg when all of a sudden it starts to pour out of now where on a bright sunny day. The windshield wipers don't work well, your tires are lucky to be touching the pavement, and the clouds ahead are as dark as night with what seems like no end in sight, and the rain keeps coming. There are lots of other cars on the road but they are in better shape then yours and are not having as much difficulty getting through the sudden down pour like you are in your vehicle.

For me the other cars that are not as broken down are those who have experienced the road of grief but not as a parent. Everyone can understand and see the guy in the beat up car but there is nothing they can do for him as he makes his way slowly down the road. As the driver(the bereaved parent) you know you have to go slow and keep praying that you make it through the storm alive! You no longer worry about that meeting you were headed to, you just want to get out of the storm. Not everyone has ever driven one of these broken down cars so although they can understand what it is like to have your car in the shop, they don't know the craziness of having to constantly drive a car on its last leg.

To me the car itself(not the state of the car) represents faith. Dispite the circumstances of my car, it is protecting me from the sudden down pour that I did not expect( I had even checked the weather before I left the house! just like all parents try to protect their children.). The car will eventually get me from point A to point B even though it may not be the way I had anticipated it. Some people may break down along the way and may need help where others in these cars make it dispite the odds. Many of us driving a broken car look at the rain and are thankful for the very car we do have for our mind wanders to those who don't have a car at all(those who have not found faith) and are unsheltered in the terrible weather. They are soaked and overwhelmed when this sort of weather takes place. The wet clothes make their walk alone in the pouring rain almost impossible to get through. Sometimes they will be picked up along the way and others will have to keep walking alone in the the rain.

We also know that it cannot rain forever and that eventually the rain will stop and make way for the sun even if it does not clear up completely. Just as rain does, it varies in intensity the entire time. A grieving parent goes through ups and downs. There are moments in the storm where it pours and then there are slight drizzles, and then there are moments where it doesn't rain but the sun is not out.

Many times a down pour will bring you to think of places like Hawii where it is beautiful and sunny and what you would give to be there. That is the very thought of how you feel others have it better and wish that your life could just be different so you don't have to feel the pain(weather the storm). The thing we all forget in those moments is that Hawii gets hurricans and has it's own set of problems(everyone has their own troubles that make their lives difficult)

Eventually you come back to realize that the storm is coming to an end and that the sun does shine.The broken down car you drove got you through the storm. You will never be able to upgrade your car but you can still get a tune up and put on new wipers and tires. A person who has lost their child will never be the same again but will find a way to make it through this to live the "new normal" that they will forever have to live. I think that our perception on life and faith changes but now that we have the experience we are wiser or just have learned to work through our grief to be able to handle the road we are traveling on.(just like a more experienced drive is vs a new driver)

I have no intention of getting out to walk, but rather seek refuge in my car even if it happens to stall for a moment or two or feel as if it may. My faith is strong. There are times I am mad at God and ask why which seem very overwhelming at times. I don't question my faith but have found it difficult at time to wrap my head around it all. I know deep inside that my faith is my refuge and God will see me through.

This analogy is only my way of trying to help people understand something that is so very difficult to understand unless they have walked the road that we now walk. I think that jsut about everyone knows what it is like to drive a car so it is something that would have a greater understanding then the actual loss of a child. We will eventually get through this storm. There is a song called Bring on the Rain that is listed on here and that is how I feel so many times. I pray to God all the time for him to see us through this especially when it is pouring outside.