The Life That's Chosen Me - Karen Taylor-Good

We Have to Stay

Yesterday made me know that we cannot move and aren't meant to move.  I know financially that my parents can't stay here but I know we have to find a way to stay.  You are probably wondering what it was that made that change so fast.  Yesterday Joshua graduated from Kindergarten and Michael had his Kickball Tournament.  Both boys are in classes that have children with all sorts of challenges.  Our experience with both classes just made us know we had to stay for them because they thrive and shine and it is all due to the school staff and their hard work with these children.

I wish I could explain the feeling in these rooms yesterday.  The beginning of our day started with Michael's class of 5 children with challenges that all vary and yet you would not know there was a thing wrong with any of them by the way they acted.  Not one of these children let their challenges get in their way of playing this game of kickball.  They had to practice for 2 months to be able to do this but they were so proud  of themselves and couldn't wait to show their parents all they had accomplished.  We laughed and cried as the parents of these children and knowing where each one came from.  There were two classes of 5 that played two hard innings and finished up in their classrooms with their proud parents spending some time and eating snacks.  The atmosphere created by these children was nothing but amazing and such a gift and blessing to be able to experience.

Two things crossed my mind as I sat there cheering on these children.  First of all I was so proud of Michael and knew he needed to remain in this atmosphere of support and love created by all the work of the staff and our ability to put things in place to make it easy for him to succeed.  I was afraid for him if we were to loose that.  My next big thought was about how George should be following in his footsteps.  We were joking about how the teacher didn't have anymore Garman's in the wings that would make her classroom cold.  After the joking I got to thinking about how he would have been there or getting ready to attend her class and it made me sad.  It wasn't long before I had to snap out of it and head to Joshua's class.

Joshua's graduation was such a HUGE milestone for him that all of us made it and so did Hugh's mom and mine.  He has worked so hard to get where he is!  The teachers and therapists did not think he would be where he is right now.  We all knew where he came from and how hard learning came to Joshua and yet how hard he works to try and accomplish something.  This was his second year in this class and each year he grew so much.  We also know Michael would be going into this class and that he would benefit from this classroom greatly and the idea of him not being able to have this just broke my heart and I got sadder as time went on and also prouder.  I was sad for the fact that our dreams for our life turned out nothing like we had planned and that was mainly the fact that we were all there but George and that hurt.

I also though of how hard our lives have been and how hard we have struggled even before we were married and if you thought of all that, you couldn't help but be sad.  The other side of it was that I thought of the people we were then and the people we are now and our blessings.  My children have been my teachers and shown me how often times one tiny step deserves more praise than a mile being ran.  They taught me how much I personally cherish life from the very moment it starts as little tiny cells.  They also made me realize that no one person deserves life over anyone else based on challenges or accomplishments and time here doesn't determine impact on the world.  Every single day they teach me more than I will ever teach them.

This entire thing made me realize how much more I want them to thrive and how it is this environment that allows that.  We need to do whatever we can to stay in our schools for the kids.  Richard will also be going to HS soon and will struggle in a typical HS and here he has the option of a vocational school where I know he will succeed.  Hugh is a supervisor and although the pay isn't great, it is experience as a supervisor and it does pay the bills.  The kids have health insurance here in NJ and if we were to move to SC they would have to  loose it here until I can try to re qualify the kids.  We also just found the best medical staff for the kids and I would have to go through that all over again and I am so afraid of that for them and myself.  Deep down, I felt that we need to stay here and make this as possible as can be for all our sakes.  I'm really praying that we can find a way to get ourselves a new home here and asking God for his guidance through all of this.  Please pray for us and that God guides us each day to get where he wants us to be.

Feeling God's Guidance

After my post last night  (make sure to read the post below if you haven't already done so), I really felt God's guidance after praying for it for so long.  I'm not sure how to make it happen but I am sure God will provide a way if this is what he wants for us.  My mom and I ironically were looking at houses in the same development here in NJ for us.  Deep in my heart I really know we are meant to move on but I don't feel it truly is to SC.  We were willing to try it for a change and because we knew we had no other option if my parents moved.  My biggest problem would be leaving the school where we have worked so hard with staff to make sure these children are cared for educationally/medically.  The next MAJOR problem is the kids would NOT have health insurance if we move at least until I could get them qualified for insurance down in SC.  Then there is the matter of physicians.  I have talked to several mom's down there and the hospital there is a good one but it took so long to get to the doctor where the children are.  It took me so long and part of George's problems also came from docs who didn't listen and I am so afraid to go through that all over again with these kids.

All that said,  somehow Hugh and I have to find someone to purchase this house for us and allow us to make payments and purchase it back from them, kind of rent with option to buy.  We would care for the house as if it were our own and pay all the things that need to be paid and can even come up with a deposit but our credit is shot.  It amazes me how all the years prior that we paid our bills and mortgage, including the mortgage from my first house, are all shot because of one bad year that was a bad year for our family where Hugh lost his job and our son died.  There is total justification for our problems and yet we are crucified because of it all.  We just want a small place to call home.  This place is perfect and allows the boys access to a pool which is physically what they need and backs up to the middle school where Richard goes to school.  The kids could continue on as planned and Richard would have the option of a vocational high school where he would have hands on learning...something he needs desperately but would not have in SC.

We are asking for your prayers with this and that if it is at all possible and in God's plan that it come to fruition and we find a way to make this possible for our family.  Below is the link for the home if you are at all interested in seeing what we are looking at.

http://www.realtor.com/realestateandhomes-detail/36-Blue-Spruce-Ct_Lumberton_NJ_08048_M64083-76241

Is my life distinguishable?

Today was one of those days...a really tough emotional day.  Hugh and I were basically home by ourselves like it used to be when we lived in our house.  For the first time in a long time I realized how much I miss what we had...our old life when things were different.  It isn't that our life is bad because we all know how others are in a worse position but it always seemed as if it couldn't get worse but somehow we just watched our lives slowly become unrecognizable from what we knew as our "normal".  I don't know if I am making any sense but we have come so far from what our dreams were for our life together.

I think of the day we got married and how we had such high hopes that the worst was behind us.  We were so wrong and life just got harder.  Our marriage has been tested over and over again as we got further and further from our dream of the "perfect family" and "white picket fence" dream.  All we ever wanted in life were the simple things and it feels as if all we have worked for to get those dreams have been ripped away in the blink of an eye.  It was hard even before George died but the day he died, our world began to crumble.  I feel like we are standing in a pile of rubble and aimlessly looking around trying to figure out what to do and where do we go...how do we rebuild our lives?

The stress level was so high for both Hugh and I...it felt as if we were drifting in different directions.  Hugh came home, took care of the kids until they went to bed and then would just watch TV and there was very little time for us.  I was so exhausted from dealing with the kids, finances, cleaning, and all the other things that come with a family and became so burnt out that I just have been in survival mode trying to find out how to live again.  The kids have just been doing whatever works and going through their own daily routines and drifting in different directions to cope with all that we have been through.  They are starving for attention and structure that we no longer have since we have lost our house.  We have all been trying  but with so many great losses in our lives and where we are living up in the air, they are so lost and so are we.

All of this came to the surface today for both Hugh and I.  Hugh was able to get his frustration out even though it was with some yelling and an outbreak.  I of course yelled back and got out my own frustrations and once we both cooled down we talked about it and of course apologized.  We both needed this probably for a long time.  The kids were in bed, although Richard did come out to see what was going on.  It has just felt like we were all doing out own things and none of us were working as a family and all structure and rules have gone out the window.  We need to get our family back on track and try to rebuild all that has been shattered and destroyed.  Some things we will need to leave and move on from but other things are salvageable but need to be re-purposed for this new life we have.  It isn't what we dreamed of or what we planned and now we really need to hand it over to God and let him work in our lives.  I don't even recognize my life or know where we are going with it all at this point and that just adds so much stress and is so scary. 

George died and devastated all our lives.  Each day I suffer so much pain and yet I have a strong faith and know my son will be waiting for me in heaven.  Nothing makes this whole thing easier.  People try to give you words of wisdom or make you feel better but it only makes you feel more on your own in this deep abyss of pain.  Yet, as I cry for my son, I am reminded of the life I still have to live when I hear the laughter of my kids or feel the gentle touch of a chubby little hand wiping away my tears and hugging me.  The kids are what make life worth living.  We have to live again for them.  Tonight I just melted down after being overwhelmed by all our financial issues, medical problems, and all we have lost...mainly the dreams for our lives which have died.  In my despair, Richard hugged and comforted me while Gabby was her little innocent self looking up at me and offering kisses and wiping away my tears.  For them we need to figure this out and trust in God.  He of course is on his time and not ours and we need to put our faith in him and his plan for us, not our plan.

Our lives that we planned are not distinguishable but that doesn't mean that it was what God had planned and we are right on track where he wants us to be.  We are passionate and always willing to help anyone in need as best we can but the reason for that is because we know what it is like to be in need.  Had we not been through all we have, we would not be the people we are and although we have faults, we are down to the core hard workers and good people.  We love our fellow men and do what we can and lend support to others walking the path with us because we know what it is like but we wouldn't understand all of their pain and be able to support them the way we do.  Through our suffering we have grown and learned many life lessons we would not have known otherwise.  I remember my sister asking why God would give her a baby she would never meet and for her to suffer such heartache and pain over a baby she loved from the moment she knew he existed.  Gavin, my nephew, went to heaven before George and George helped my sister through her loss and yet I thank God all the time for Gavin because my sister knows my pain and we have a bond that not many others know.  George was her blessing and Gavin was mine!

I'm ready to put it all in God's hands and allow him to make my life what he wants it.  It may not be distinguishable to me but it will be to Him.  Please pray for my family and I.  We need prayers for God's will in our lives right now.  We feel lost but also know we are only lost because we have been following our own path rather than handing it over to God completely.  He has blessed us many times and we should know how to do this but after so much pain it is hard to realize he does not cause and it isn't because we did anything wrong.  Life happens and it happens to us!  Thank you all for your prayers and following our family as we walk this difficult path!  God is our compass on this difficult journey we call life.

Jeremy Camp ♥†There Will Be A Day†♥ (((ChristianRock)))

Strong Enough by Matthew West

My New Thought for the Week

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.
~ Romans 12:2, NLT

I got this in my email today and have decided to try and make this my new moto to live by...we have been dealt such hard stuff and I have wanted a break from it so bad. I have to just allow God to do his will in me since I cannot control this world and all that it throws at us. Here's to trying hard to transform my thought process and hopefully find a better way to live in this world.