I don't know if it is Hugh's return to work or what but I miss my little monkey more now than ever before. Right now it seems as if we are being thrust forward to keep living but part of us just keeps remaining behind. Often times I think it is like having to drive a car/bike with a flat tire. Yes the wheels keep going but it is no easy task and a hill that used to be easy to get up is now a huge chore leaving you exhausted and dreading coming to the next one. Right now just about everything just reminds me of him and I just want him back so bad. Even looking at his pictures has become difficult to do without tears welling up in my eyes.
Life for us has been on fast forward. Hugh started both jobs and has left the house at 8:30 or 9am and does not return until 9:30pm. He really does not like the job at the cemetery. He said the gentleman training him reminds him of his father and is just as obnoxious and demeaning at times. Yesterday he saw a memorial plaque for a young child and it brought back some very hard feelings for him. He also does not care for the way they want him to sell and feels like it is in an odd way taking advantage of people. There is one other guy training with him and he feels the same way. Hugh is toughing it out for now though. Sears is easy for him since he has done it before and is a comfortable fit for him.
He has however also received a job prospect working for DHL doing shipping in their brokerage department. This job would require us to relocate to South Carolina. He already did the first of about 3-4 interviews and will have the second one soon. It is kind of exciting but scary at the same time. The pay would allow him to not have to be gone all day long and work normal hours for the first time ever since we have been married. It will be better for the kids and I to have him work like this and although a transfer would be hard the company pays for the relocation stuff. We would have to find a place to rent/own which may pose a challenge since our credit took a hit due to our issues with unemployment and lack of pay lately.
We have decided to leave it in God's hands and follow his will for us. So much has to take place but it could all happen quite fast and we could find ourselves moved even before the end of winter. One big obstacle will be our home we have here. We owe more than it is worth now and trying to sell it would be a nightmare if you have to add in Realtor fees on top of it this would pose a huge problem. This leaves a lot of leg work to look into how to handle this sort of situation and I think I will have to get a hold of the lawyer we are working with to see what options we have. We have not declared bankruptcy yet since he just started his jobs and this all may put it in a different place than what we were before. There is a lot that has to fall in place though so we will just take it one step at a time...he has to actually get the job first! Please keep us all in your prayers as we move forward with life and learn to live without our little boy here with us. So many huge changes are definitely adding to it all.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
God I Miss You
For whatever reason, I am just missing you something terrible tonight. Tears keep running down my face and I keep trying to keep it together but I just can't. My heart is so broken and I miss you so bad. I love you so much.
Empty House, Empty Heart
Well, things around here have changed quite a bit these past few days. Hugh started his two jobs yesterday. The morning was just insane with his truck not working, Richard forgetting his binder and needing it to be ran up to him, Josh and Michael missing the bus, and an ultrasound appt first thing in the morning. The rest of the day was just as chaotic with the kids bouncing off the walls and trying to settle in to not having Hugh home. It is surely going to take a lot of getting used to for all of us.
Gabrielle is really taking a lot out of me, unlike any of the boys. She is constantly moving and always in a bad spot making it hard to breath. Right now she is breech and the technician yesterday looked at me and said oh my god she is in a really bad spot all the way up to your ribs. I knew that already but it was at least nice to know I am not insane. I don't know if the vacation is adding to this exhaustion or just all the emotional stress and physical stressed coupled together. The good news is Gabrielle looks good and weighed in at around 3lbs 9oz and every organ looking/working well. We got to see her practicing her breathing, seeing your baby on the screen never gets old and brings amazement with it every time and you know there has got to be a God. We can't wait to meet her, it is only a few more weeks away.
All of that said, I have the mornings here to myself right now. Many people say that it is so nice that I have this time when it is quite...little do they realize that it isn't all it is cracked up to be. I can't tell you how hard it is to sit here even though I keep myself busy with housework. All I can think of is how my little boy should be here toddling around getting into stuff. The deafening silence is a cold reminder of his return to heaven way to early. You can try to keep yourself busy but the pain and emptiness you feel is still there. It is just so sad to think of the life we have come to know. Yes there are always positives but there are only so many times you can look on the bright side and try to make the best of the situation...no matter how you look at it, it is sad and always will be. Not only is my house empty but part of my heart is and will forever be missing and that is such a hard realization and reality to live with. I know Gabrielle will be here soon but no child could ever replace another or fill that emptiness.
I do have a lot to still do but being so tired and just emotionally and physically drained really makes it difficult. A simple phone call can be a challenge at times. The thought of the holidays around the corner is just overwhelming. Hugh told me this morning that Sears is open that morning and I told him I want him to see if he can not have to work it. There is no way I can sit through a holiday right now without him here and my baby in heaven. His other job is going to require a lot of time away from home for him too so it is going to be a rough road over the next few weeks/months. I know we will figure it all out but as things stand right now, it all seems so overwhelming.
My mind has wandered back to the very beginning of this journey. My emotions and feelings were so very different than they are now. Hearing a certain song will bring those feelings back and I can feel how very different they are now vs then. In some ways that state of shock after someone dies is such a blessing. It amazes me how very different I am now opposed to then and how life has really changed and sometimes is just unrecognizable. I will often times look at the boys and am so grateful that at least the younger two are the ages they are because their moments of sadness come and go so fast and do not linger like that of us who are older. I think often times that is why God wants us to come to him as children. There is just something special that they have going for them that is so different than what adults have. For now I will just have to keep plugging away making it through every moment of every day relying on God and my faith that there is just more that I don't understand and keep asking him to get me through this all. I can't wait until the day that my house is not empty and my heart is whole again...the day that I get to be with my little boy again...for now I will keep doing God's will until he feels my job here is done.
Gabrielle is really taking a lot out of me, unlike any of the boys. She is constantly moving and always in a bad spot making it hard to breath. Right now she is breech and the technician yesterday looked at me and said oh my god she is in a really bad spot all the way up to your ribs. I knew that already but it was at least nice to know I am not insane. I don't know if the vacation is adding to this exhaustion or just all the emotional stress and physical stressed coupled together. The good news is Gabrielle looks good and weighed in at around 3lbs 9oz and every organ looking/working well. We got to see her practicing her breathing, seeing your baby on the screen never gets old and brings amazement with it every time and you know there has got to be a God. We can't wait to meet her, it is only a few more weeks away.
All of that said, I have the mornings here to myself right now. Many people say that it is so nice that I have this time when it is quite...little do they realize that it isn't all it is cracked up to be. I can't tell you how hard it is to sit here even though I keep myself busy with housework. All I can think of is how my little boy should be here toddling around getting into stuff. The deafening silence is a cold reminder of his return to heaven way to early. You can try to keep yourself busy but the pain and emptiness you feel is still there. It is just so sad to think of the life we have come to know. Yes there are always positives but there are only so many times you can look on the bright side and try to make the best of the situation...no matter how you look at it, it is sad and always will be. Not only is my house empty but part of my heart is and will forever be missing and that is such a hard realization and reality to live with. I know Gabrielle will be here soon but no child could ever replace another or fill that emptiness.
I do have a lot to still do but being so tired and just emotionally and physically drained really makes it difficult. A simple phone call can be a challenge at times. The thought of the holidays around the corner is just overwhelming. Hugh told me this morning that Sears is open that morning and I told him I want him to see if he can not have to work it. There is no way I can sit through a holiday right now without him here and my baby in heaven. His other job is going to require a lot of time away from home for him too so it is going to be a rough road over the next few weeks/months. I know we will figure it all out but as things stand right now, it all seems so overwhelming.
My mind has wandered back to the very beginning of this journey. My emotions and feelings were so very different than they are now. Hearing a certain song will bring those feelings back and I can feel how very different they are now vs then. In some ways that state of shock after someone dies is such a blessing. It amazes me how very different I am now opposed to then and how life has really changed and sometimes is just unrecognizable. I will often times look at the boys and am so grateful that at least the younger two are the ages they are because their moments of sadness come and go so fast and do not linger like that of us who are older. I think often times that is why God wants us to come to him as children. There is just something special that they have going for them that is so different than what adults have. For now I will just have to keep plugging away making it through every moment of every day relying on God and my faith that there is just more that I don't understand and keep asking him to get me through this all. I can't wait until the day that my house is not empty and my heart is whole again...the day that I get to be with my little boy again...for now I will keep doing God's will until he feels my job here is done.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Life Changes
Well we are finally home after the trip to Disney. It was a good but emotional trip for all of us. I'm grateful we had the chance to go back dispite how emotionally difficult it was. There were times where it was just overwhelming. I am sure part of it is being pregnant, running around after kids, and trying to keep it all together mixed in there with all the emotions of George not being there. Hugh and I found ourselves getting short with one another at times only to realize it after and apologize. It is so odd how we all can display sadness without even realizing it.
Hugh's mom did wind up going with my family and had a great time. She had never been on a trip where she really had no worries. You could tell at times that she is not used to being around people or living with others. Her expectations sometimes are just not exactly feasible but it surely comes with her lack of experience where dealing with others is concerned. I'm sure it was also very emotional for her since it was the week a year ago she took her husband to the hospital and he never came home. Two weeks from now is the 1 year anniversary of his passing. It was nice for her to get the chance to spend time with the kids and have a once in a lifetime experience though. I was grateful that my grandparents had gone with us so she had someone her own age to talk to and associate with.
Tomorrow starts a whole new chapter for us here. Hugh starts both of his jobs. He is very apprehensive and emotional about it all, not really knowing how to feel. On one hand he will miss the kids and on the other hand it is exciting to be back working again. New jobs always bring lots of anxiety for him since his self confidence is really not the best. He really is capable of anything but often times does not believe that. Please keep him in your prayers and all of us as we adjust to not having him here at home with us all day long.
We also go to get a growth ultrasound for Gabrielle in the morning. I really can't believe that she will be here in a little under 2 months. This too brings many emotions and fears to the surface. Much of this pregnancy has seemed quite surreal and even though I feel her moving, it is as if it is all just to good to be true following all the life trials we have faced thus far. There is a lot of anxiety coming with it all and as time gets closer the anxiety becomes worse for me but I am trying to keep my mind from wondering to the worst case scenarios even though it is difficult to do.
That being said, the time is going to just fly with the holidays all thrown in there. I really have no idea what we are doing for them to be honest. Part of me doesn't even want to think of them. Hugh and I were talking about it last night as we talked/cried about how much we miss George and how very different our lives are and continue to be. He said we can't run from them and I agree but I really don't know what to do or how to handle them. Part of me just feels like we need to take it all one moment at a time and let the cards fall where they will. Gabrielle's birth will really determine a lot of it since I feel she will be here well before her scheduled date of the 30th of Dec. I did get two ornaments for George's tree while in Disney and will wrap them up once we get his little tree placed later this month. The rest of it is up in the air. Last year was tough with it being the first without my grandparents and this year will be tough without George. I really am hoping that the new year is better than this one has been.
Please keep us all in your prayers as we move forward and face these very huge life changes ahead of us. Things are very difficult right now for us on so many levels and although we know they will work out, it does not take away the pain or worry that we carry each day.
Hugh's mom did wind up going with my family and had a great time. She had never been on a trip where she really had no worries. You could tell at times that she is not used to being around people or living with others. Her expectations sometimes are just not exactly feasible but it surely comes with her lack of experience where dealing with others is concerned. I'm sure it was also very emotional for her since it was the week a year ago she took her husband to the hospital and he never came home. Two weeks from now is the 1 year anniversary of his passing. It was nice for her to get the chance to spend time with the kids and have a once in a lifetime experience though. I was grateful that my grandparents had gone with us so she had someone her own age to talk to and associate with.
Tomorrow starts a whole new chapter for us here. Hugh starts both of his jobs. He is very apprehensive and emotional about it all, not really knowing how to feel. On one hand he will miss the kids and on the other hand it is exciting to be back working again. New jobs always bring lots of anxiety for him since his self confidence is really not the best. He really is capable of anything but often times does not believe that. Please keep him in your prayers and all of us as we adjust to not having him here at home with us all day long.
We also go to get a growth ultrasound for Gabrielle in the morning. I really can't believe that she will be here in a little under 2 months. This too brings many emotions and fears to the surface. Much of this pregnancy has seemed quite surreal and even though I feel her moving, it is as if it is all just to good to be true following all the life trials we have faced thus far. There is a lot of anxiety coming with it all and as time gets closer the anxiety becomes worse for me but I am trying to keep my mind from wondering to the worst case scenarios even though it is difficult to do.
That being said, the time is going to just fly with the holidays all thrown in there. I really have no idea what we are doing for them to be honest. Part of me doesn't even want to think of them. Hugh and I were talking about it last night as we talked/cried about how much we miss George and how very different our lives are and continue to be. He said we can't run from them and I agree but I really don't know what to do or how to handle them. Part of me just feels like we need to take it all one moment at a time and let the cards fall where they will. Gabrielle's birth will really determine a lot of it since I feel she will be here well before her scheduled date of the 30th of Dec. I did get two ornaments for George's tree while in Disney and will wrap them up once we get his little tree placed later this month. The rest of it is up in the air. Last year was tough with it being the first without my grandparents and this year will be tough without George. I really am hoping that the new year is better than this one has been.
Please keep us all in your prayers as we move forward and face these very huge life changes ahead of us. Things are very difficult right now for us on so many levels and although we know they will work out, it does not take away the pain or worry that we carry each day.
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Me With My Prince Charming In Front of the Castle
