I don't need easy, I just need not so hard!

This is a quote from Eat Pray Love and it just fits my life right now. I miss George so much. This morning I opened the drawer in the kitchen looking for something only to come over a candle and it was a number 2 candle. With that, I just lost it and started crying. It just broke my heart and there was nothing I could do about it. I am at the point where I don't want to be a mom or a wife and need to just be alone but there is no place for that in my life right now. Every day is just another day I survive through and try to still find a way to be happy among such sorrow.

The pain never lets up, I just get better at handling it when it comes. Right now I am relying so much on Hugh and thanking God for him every single moment. I really hate when he has to leave for work because I feel so alone and lost. I've actually been putting on his clothes to just feel secure when he is gone. This morning he witnessed my break down and I just sobbed in his arms. I asked him how he does it? How is he so strong? I don't really know but lord I wish I could be that way. I know he hurts too but I think when I cry I often times cry for the both of us and as he holds me our heats ache together as they have since the day George died.

We also both appreciate and love Gabrielle in such a special way. She brings such joy to our lives and she and the boys are what keep us both going every single day. So often I think he has it more together than I do. I tend to zone out and although I am here most of the times my mind is somewhere else. Alot of my thought has been going to how I want to really spend the actually day he was born. Right now I am so anti social and the thought of having to put on that happy face is such a chore. My mom told me we are having a picnic Monday and I am really just dreading it all together. The boys go back to school and I am dreading that too and having to pull myself together to do the things that I am required to do when every part of me doesn't have any desire to do it.

I think that each year we try something new until we find what works. Last year we did the fundraiser and it was nice but I found that it was not something I wanted to do this year. I still wanted to do something special and that was when I came up with the random act of kindness for the day of his birth. I'm really excited but it still leaves this feeling of needing to do something a little more for the kids. They want to have a party but I am not up for that since the next day is my nieces and that is going to require all I have in me to make it through, especially since Hugh will be working. I'm thinking of maybe going to a hotel with the kids that has a pool and let them swim...then again we could go to the movies or something....I really am lost with it this year. Some part of me just feels as if my heart really isn't in it at all but I can't be that way for the kids.

The boys are so excited and have already started to decorate here at my parents house with balloons. It makes me smile but also makes my heart sad too. They want George to have cards and presents. I tried to tell them that babies in heaven don't usually get cards and presents and that was just not ok. Well when I figured I could not convince them otherwise, I went on wish upon a hero and asked people to mail some cards or small items for George's urn/mantle. There were a few kind hearts who have signed up to do that and I hope it makes the boys happy. I think I am going to leave what happens up to God and go from there...I'm tired of trying to plan things and am just walking away from that sort of stuff right now.

This is definitely much harder than last year was so please keep me in your prayers as I try to find out the best way to handle this. I know it is all going to be trial and error each year so we will see if this year works or if I have to find something new for next year.

Two years ago you blessed our family,

We were all filled with such joy

The moment we heard that first cry.

You were such a beautiful and perfect little boy.

Your smile lit up the room

Life could not get better than this

But one day that all changed

And now instead your smile we now miss.

God called you home sooner than we had planned

We had so many plans and dreams for you someday

God’s were greater and instead he called you to his side

Now in heaven you celebrate your birthday and play

This is not how we ever planned to celebrate such a special moment.

There was suppose to be balloons, streamers, candles, and cake

Decorations were to be hung up high with a banner

Family and friends to enjoy the party we would make

Instead my heart is heaven without you here

We have to celebrate you life with you in heaven

We don’t know how to do this and sometimes the pain is just so hard to bare.

Now as the days come close you are on our minds 24/7

I hope in heaven you can see how great our love is.

We will never forget you no matter how much time goes by

You are so special you still deserve to be celebrated

Even though to heaven you did fly.

A blessing to this world and all the lives that have been touched

Is now how we hold on tight to your memory in our heart

We know you would be proud of how we live life with you there

So celebrate your birthday in heaven and we will do so here…for no matter what happens we will never really part.

Happy birthday little monkey boy!

Celebrate how special a boy and the gift you are

Life isn’t the same but we would never forget

Instead we have to celebrate this special day from afar.

Hugs and kisses to our special boy!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding." (Proverbs 3:5)

In Appreciation Of Grieving Mothers

Grieving Mothers this poem is for you.
May God Bless You, for all you do!
You are a safe harbor, where our thoughts can roam.
This lovely site, makes us all feel at home!

We, the mothers, have lost our heart!
The day our beloved children, from us, were torn apart!
Never again will any of us be the same,
But I know our loss is Heavens gain!

With much appreciation, I wanted you to know,
how very much your love does truly show,
So together we will survive,
keeping the memories of our beloved "kids" alive!

Someday, we all will be so glad,
that for this little while we were so sad!
That blessed day, when we all re-unite
Until then, thanks for your guidance, peace and light!

Authored by Shari Soklow

Random Act of Kindness Card

George Charles Garman
09/09/09-01/29/10
www.georgegarman.blogspot.com

You have been blessed to honor the memory of a sweet little boy in heaven on his birthday! He was a gift to all and now lives on through those he touched. Please keep his memory alive by doing a random act of kindness in his name and pass along this card. To find out more about this amazing little boy please visit his web page listed above.

George's Birthday

As you know George's 2nd birthday is coming up. It has been really hard and I have really been toying with what we as a family want to do. I know we will have cake for him but the boys want to have a party. After a conversation with them, they asked me if people will give George cards/presents. I tried to explain that you really don't do that for people in heaven. They still feel that George is getting the short end of the stick and feel it isn't fair! Great another thing I have to try and explain and find a way to work around. It would be a lot easier if they were a little older.

That being said they want to decorate and throw a party for their brother. We are all still doing the random acts of kindness but they want to see a tangible celebration of his life. I figured I would ask people to send cards or small gifts to add to George's mantle so he boys can throw their brother a party. If you are interested in helping us out by sending a card or something small we would really appreciate it. He was our little monkey so if you happen to find something with a monkey on it, that would be extra special. Handmade cards are great also. Mail things to: George Garman 7 Ellis Avenue Lumberton, NJ 08048 if you are willing to make these boys dreams of a party for their brother come to life. Thank you for finding it in your heart to do this.

Helping Children Grieve

Children can accept loss if there is something to hope for, something to look forward to. But if they view their lives as one loss after another, recovery is extremely difficult.

Here are some general guidelines in helping your children grieve:
• Understand that children have feelings even if they do not show them. A child's initial response, like adults, is denial.
• Tell your children about the feelings you are struggling with.
• Tell them they are not responsible for the loss.
• Help them understand what has happened. Share just enough details to satisfy their questions, avoiding anything that would traumatize them.
• Be there for them. They need more than words. Your presence can help them grieve the loss.
• Help them remember the good times and encourage them to share their emotions.
• Empathize with their hurt without condoning any wrong behavior.

"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!" (Isaiah 49:15).

Lord, You love my children even more than I do. Give me the wisdom to care for them and nurture them through my grief. Amen.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am diamond glints on the snow.

I am sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush,

Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die.

A Touching Verse

But joyful are those who have the God of Israel as their helper, whose hope is in the Lord their God.

~ Psalm 146:5, NLT

This verse from the bible was in my inbox today. It really spoke to my heart. I know how much I rely on God and those he has put in my life to help me through all of the hurdles I have had to overcome in my life. I remember when my ex husband went to prison and how depressed I was. There were days I did not even get out of bed and Richard would crawl in with me as he watched his Blues Clues and I would sleep my life away because of the pain I felt inside. At that point in my life, my relationship with God was no where near what it is now. I had lost my faith in order to fit in my ex husbands lifestyle. With him now out of the picture, God called me from the darkest place I was in my life. At that time I had no idea how great his plans for me were and we were just really getting to know one another in a special way.

George's death by far was the most devastating thing to ever happen in my life. Yet this time around it has been very different. I have my days where I don't want to be a mom and lay in bed but I don't. Having God in my life has given me a strength that I never thought I possessed. During the time I was with my ex and the years before, I just sought out this love. I wanted to be loved yet didn't think I deserved it and surely not loved in the way that God loves me. In it all I settled for a man who was nothing that I ever would say I was going to be with yet somehow found myself lost and aimlessly floundering as I sought this love that I was not going to get from him. With all my heart I wanted it to work and i put in all efforts but one day God came and showed me the real love I was seeking and the strong person I really am and told me he had greater plans for me than I ever did for myself. I was so humbled and still am every single day as I feel him calling me to do his work,that is such an honor and as much as I don't want to have to do the hard stuff I know I am not alone and he is there with me.

I found out that I was not alone having to jump these hurdles, God is my helper. When the road seems long and impossible and I want to give up, he is right there holding my hand and carrying me when I can no longer take another step. Having the hope of eternal life is what also helps me to get through each day, knowing in my heart that someday I will be with my son again. I have always told people that there is no harm in believing but what if you are wrong and there is a God and Jesus was his son crucified for our sins and you are wrong? Being a believer is not harmful but not believing takes away any hope of eternal life and I personally don't want to be on that end of it all.

I also find the part that says those who choose God as their helper have joy. That is so true and I can personally tell you why. Among all the pain I carry in my heart, my heart still knows how to smile and appreciate life. Mixed in with the surging pain at times is still joy. It is the joy that I got to be George's mommy, knowing I will see him again someday, the joy for all the blessings in my life, thankfulness and joy for finding the love of my life, joy for the simple things like the laughter and smiles of my children. It is so hard to have mixed feelings like this but the joy is what keeps me going every single day. When I did not know God in the capacity I do now,there was no joy in my heart and I was so lost and depressed, there is now a distinct difference and I thank God every day that he called me to his folds and helped me to hear his calling.

Last night is the perfect example of this type of joy. All day I had such a tough day. I fought back tears most of the day and my heart just hurt so bad. I always talk about Gabrielle and the blessing she has been to us all. Last night was no different and I could feel God working through this little girl to bring joy to my life. She was sitting on the ground playing and I started to laugh...well she started to laugh. My mom and dad were there too and they joined in the laughter. The expression on her face and the laughter from her little soul just filled the air with so much joy. There were tears in my eyes but this time they were tears of joy. I was so grateful that amidst my pain there was such joy that filled the room, I knew that this little girl was God's gift of joy among the sorrow of loosing her big brother.

Somehow I am learning that these mixed feelings are ok to have and they are just Gods way of helping us through the pain. He knows this pain all too well because he too lost his son and had to watch him suffer here on Earth while he was in Heaven, just the opposite of what I live with each day. There is however a profound difference, I know my son wants for nothing and does not suffer in any capacity but God sent his son to suffer and endure the difficulties that life brings and that has got to be the hardest thing ever. I never understood how God could do this but also knowing that through my son's death that lives have been changed for the better, I understand why he made that sacrifice. In my heart I feel as if, if George's loss changes one life for the better than my suffering was worth it all in the end. I think that this is why on his birthday I felt compelled to come up with the idea of random acts of kindness. You never know who's life you will change by something as simple as a smile. I know my son's smile changed my life and that of so many other and it is truly a blessing.

Take the time to see how this bible verse touches you and applies to your life. If you do not know God yet in the capacity that you have a personal relationship, I urge you to seek it out and work on it. This does not come easy and as any other relationship in your life worth having, it takes lots of work and is constantly changing. The only difference is that God is always with you and will fill your life with this love that only He can give. Once you have found that, you will never want to give it up and somewhere in your heart it will always lie even in your dark moments where you are angry with him or feel unworthy of his love. He loves you unconditionally with no strings attached just like a parent loves a child and would give anything for them. If your own parents have failed you, know they are only human and that they cannot provide the type of love that God has for you. Building faith is a daily task but it is the one thing in life worth doing and working hard at because the rewards are greater than you can even begin to imagine.

God, thank you for calling me to your fold and loving me for who I am. Words cannot express my gratefulness for you grace and mercy in my life while you help me overcome the troubles of this life. Thank you for carrying me when I cannot walk through the darkest places this world takes us to. Please continue to be with me always and let me see the joy you bring in the midst of darkness and pain. Thank you for your sacrifice so that one day I can see my son again and find eternal love and life that only you can provide. Forgive me for all my sins, known and unknown and help me to seek a relationship with you every day and be a tool for you to use so others can see your love through all I do.

Amen.