I don't need easy, I just need not so hard!

This is a quote from Eat Pray Love and it just fits my life right now. I miss George so much. This morning I opened the drawer in the kitchen looking for something only to come over a candle and it was a number 2 candle. With that, I just lost it and started crying. It just broke my heart and there was nothing I could do about it. I am at the point where I don't want to be a mom or a wife and need to just be alone but there is no place for that in my life right now. Every day is just another day I survive through and try to still find a way to be happy among such sorrow.

The pain never lets up, I just get better at handling it when it comes. Right now I am relying so much on Hugh and thanking God for him every single moment. I really hate when he has to leave for work because I feel so alone and lost. I've actually been putting on his clothes to just feel secure when he is gone. This morning he witnessed my break down and I just sobbed in his arms. I asked him how he does it? How is he so strong? I don't really know but lord I wish I could be that way. I know he hurts too but I think when I cry I often times cry for the both of us and as he holds me our heats ache together as they have since the day George died.

We also both appreciate and love Gabrielle in such a special way. She brings such joy to our lives and she and the boys are what keep us both going every single day. So often I think he has it more together than I do. I tend to zone out and although I am here most of the times my mind is somewhere else. Alot of my thought has been going to how I want to really spend the actually day he was born. Right now I am so anti social and the thought of having to put on that happy face is such a chore. My mom told me we are having a picnic Monday and I am really just dreading it all together. The boys go back to school and I am dreading that too and having to pull myself together to do the things that I am required to do when every part of me doesn't have any desire to do it.

I think that each year we try something new until we find what works. Last year we did the fundraiser and it was nice but I found that it was not something I wanted to do this year. I still wanted to do something special and that was when I came up with the random act of kindness for the day of his birth. I'm really excited but it still leaves this feeling of needing to do something a little more for the kids. They want to have a party but I am not up for that since the next day is my nieces and that is going to require all I have in me to make it through, especially since Hugh will be working. I'm thinking of maybe going to a hotel with the kids that has a pool and let them swim...then again we could go to the movies or something....I really am lost with it this year. Some part of me just feels as if my heart really isn't in it at all but I can't be that way for the kids.

The boys are so excited and have already started to decorate here at my parents house with balloons. It makes me smile but also makes my heart sad too. They want George to have cards and presents. I tried to tell them that babies in heaven don't usually get cards and presents and that was just not ok. Well when I figured I could not convince them otherwise, I went on wish upon a hero and asked people to mail some cards or small items for George's urn/mantle. There were a few kind hearts who have signed up to do that and I hope it makes the boys happy. I think I am going to leave what happens up to God and go from there...I'm tired of trying to plan things and am just walking away from that sort of stuff right now.

This is definitely much harder than last year was so please keep me in your prayers as I try to find out the best way to handle this. I know it is all going to be trial and error each year so we will see if this year works or if I have to find something new for next year.