Hard Day

Today was a hard day for me yet again. It all started off really good. Richard had to serve at church so Hugh and I went along with Gabrielle. Richard ran in to robe while Hugh and I took Gabrielle to her big brother's grave...well sort of grave. Some of his ashes were placed in the memorial garden at the church but no one but us would know he is even there. The plaque there still does not have his name although we have tried several times to get his name added and we even offered to pay for it but nothing has been done about it.

This is so very hard for us because it is like we have no sacred place to go visit our little boy and feel close to him. Those who have a grave for their child can go and visit and just have that time there which we don't really have. I know it isn't that big of a deal but with no acknowledgement of his place there, it feels like he isn't even there and it breaks my heart. I am so very glad we did not opt to put all his ashes there because if I had nothing I would have gone crazy by now. It is close to two years and there still is not something recognizing him and that just makes is so hard to even be there because it causes deep pain in my heart to know he is there now and there is nothing marking that...in some regards I regret putting any of his ashes there at all.

I got through that painful feeling as I stood there trying to show Gabrielle where her big brother was buried. We got home and my aunt was there with her two step grandchildren. The youngest of the two was born right before George was. She just turned two and between the sad feeling in my heart over still not seeing his name to only be taken back to see her. I kept thinking how he would be doing all the same things she is doing. Every part of me just wanted to scoop her up in my arms and hug her and the other just had to walk away as the heartache surged once again.

Escaping to the basement I turned the TV on only to find a Little House on the Prairie. The episode was one where a little girl died and the mother just lost it. She kidnapped Laura and made her put on the dress the little girl used to us and even made her call her mama. She was trying to replace that space in her heart that was so hurt. She wanted so badly to keep her and make her her own. I felt like that lady with my aunts great grandaughter and you could tell Hugh felt the same way. He had to have her in his arms and just hugged her. I could see that longing in his eyes for the little boy we lost. Its so very painful to really go through moments like those. You don't want to make everyone else around you uncomfortable or for them to think you are loosing your mind but it is a common feeling among parents who loose a child.

My friend Cathy just had her baby. I look at the pictures of him and remember George who was born around the same time of the year. To be honest, I have been thinking about babies a lot lately and having a lot of dreams about them. Hugh and I have agreed that we want one more even though we get snide comments all the time when we even mention another child. I was not sure how I would handle a baby after George died if it was a boy but now I kind of want one. Having Gabrielle was just what we needed to heal in the aspect of getting through those fears...now it is kind of like we want a boy so it is like we can raise another little boy.

Right now that is a ways out but I definitely know I want another no matter what everyone else thinks about it, I truly feel that God has placed this in my heart. This is not possible right now because of the medications that I am on for anxiety and pain. There will come a day when it will be time for that but I used to think I was totally done but now I know there is one more in my future...this one we will wait until they are born to find out what sex they are. I know people don't understand this yearning but I know it is God placing it in my heart and I am ok with that.

We are really trying to figure out what to do on George's birthday as a family this year. I've thought of asking my siblings to come over and have cake, take a trip to the zoo, go see smurfs, and all sorts of other things but nothing is still hitting home. I thought maybe to rent a room at a hotel with a pool there and just hanging out as a family that day, a picnic at the park, and lots of other things have been rolling around in my head but no light bulb moment yet. Most families go to the cemetery and take a cake and balloons for their loved on but without a name and it being at the church and there is no direct marking I feel lost with being able to do that sort of thing...I would love to take a picnic lunch with a cake to his grave but it just isn't the same feeling at the church especially with his name not being there.

As of right now I feel like I am just going through the motions and back in survival mode. This time however I do still feel joy and do smile unlike how I was directly following George's death. I am just counting the days till the 9th and can't wait to get messages from others who tell me what they did in his memory. The following week we are headed to Disney and that is where I feel close to George for some reason. I also get to visit my Aunt Joan who I miss terribly since she moved. She has always been my rock and the one person who just "gets me" Since she has moved, I haven't had the luxury of just stopping at her house to see her. I can call but it just isn't the same as being in person. I feel that once I am back from Florida, I will be able to have things a little more together and can move forward.

Please keep us all in your prayers and please keep passing the information about the Random Acts of Kindness. Hearing how my little monkey is changing the world just makes my heart swell knowing how great he was here on Earth and is now affecting the world even when he is gone.