Counting Down the Days

I know it sounds stupid but we are counting down the days until George's 2nd birthday. As hard as it is I will always celebrate his life and the blessing he was to us and that is truly what it is all about. Today I took the time to decorate his mantle. There are streamers along with these cute little monkey napkins that I taped there. We have gotten two cards for him so far from people who felt compared to celebrate his life with us and they sit right in front of his urn waiting for his birthday. As the day comes closer and closer, I'm still kind of figuring it all out but am kind of taking George's lead. Even when I don't feel his presence around me, I feel it within me.

Hugh finally hit his breaking point this morning. He did a few errands before going to work. When he got home Michael was already on the school bus and it just sent him over the deep end. He started to cry and I knew it was more than just not being able to get him on the bus. With him sobbing in my arms I took his head in my hands and looked in his eyes and said "This is more than just Michael isn't it?" and the sobbing just gave me my answer. He said he was my son...my youngest son. Now I feel bad to let Michael down...I feel like I let George down. God did I know how he felt. We stood in my mom's kitchen hugging one another and leaning on each other for the strength we need to keep on going.

We don't have a lot of money but I contacted a local salon that does massages. I explained what I was looking for and asked for advice and the woman emailed me back with a wonderful offer. She said that Hugh and I can both come in around 6:15pm for a meal and have it followed by a couple's massage at a reduced cost. I couldn't turn it down, I think we have needed this forever. We are so very blessed to be able to do that and I don't care what I have to do to come up with that money, we have to go. I think it will give us some personal time to relax and remember the life that blessed us two years ago and what he really means to us still in a different way than ever before.

I think we may opt to start moving some of his flowers from his garden over here during the day. We both really need to feel his presence and I just have not found that yet and I think that by planting life it will always remind me he still lives on. I will be able to look out the window every single day and know that my son is in God's kingdom and beautiful just like the little garden we will have here. It will kind of be like our own little peace of heaven here. I have his little garden plaque that I bought and I want to make it the center of attention and surround it with beautiful blooming flowers/plants and maybe put a little bit of his ashes in the small urn we have and bury them there so that I have a place to go where I feel him close since the church has not put his name on the plaque and it is a feeling of being lost anytime I visit the garden there. In the end we will play it by ear and I know it will be what it is suppose to be.