I am wide awake and praying for sleep to find me. I've made my way upstairs to find myself listening to Christian music. Somehow right now that is the only thing I find comfort in. My heart hurts so bad and aches for my son to be in my arms. Every day I pray to God asking him to help me through this. I feel his presence but it doesn't take the pain away at all. Every day closer brings more pain. I now hate the question "what's wrong with you" because every part of me is screaming "my son is dead, that is what is the matter with me...how the hell would you feel?"
My baby is dead and that is the sad sick reality of it all. He should be here running around and playing with his brothers and sister not in an urn. He belongs in my arms. I'm angry that there are people who abuse their kids and their children are still alive and yet great people have lost theirs that are loved unconditionally now sit with empty arms and broken hearts. This hell I would not wish on my worst enemy. I also hate the person I am right now, depressed and lost, but knowing it and knowing that this is all part of the deal. Getting short and just not really here is not the person I am or want to be. Part of me died the day my son died and like him, I will never get it back until I am with him again.
There is no amount of counseling that can help you when you know what the problem is and you have your head well wrapped around it all but can't change the situation. Yes you can look on the "good side" although there really isn't one. People seem to have this need to make you feel better and don't realize that sometimes crying just does that. I hate having to feel like I have to hold back tears all the time just so I don't make someone else uncomfortable or have to hear another lecture as to how there is good in this all. I know that damn it and I have been doing all I can to look at the good things but for crying out loud...you let your child die and see how well you fair with it all. Take off your arm or leg and see how you now have to be different but still function in a world that didn't change other than for you.
There is no magic wand to fix it because it will never be fixed and i will never be the person I was before he died. yes in some regards I am stronger but in others I am weaker. I so wish that people would understand that I will have to feel this way my whole life and there just isn't anyone or anything that can fix it other than God himself. Each day he works through me and knows my heart and accepts me for where I am in this process and just lets me be and is there when I need him. There are no criticizing remarks or stupid idiotic things that come from his mouth that I have to pretend I didn't hear or take everything I have inside to not want to punch the person in the mouth although I wish there was.
Most of the time we parents who have lost a child are lost ourselves only because of those around us trying to hurry us along so that they don't have to see us suffer. We know they mean well and want us to feel better but its just not possible. We can accept it for what it is but don't have to like it and there are going to be days sometimes even weeks, months, or years that we are not totally here. I am a very logical person and I know where this all stands in my life and what I must do but my heart sometimes calls in a different direction and I am allowed that time to miss my son and hate the world that I live in without him in it. That doesn't make me crazy or need a counselor, it just means that I don't like what has happened to me and that I have had no control over any of this to this day or for the days that follow. He was part of my body and came from me so until my own body is gone he will always be here and that bond is stronger than ever. Life is hard and it sucks terribly at times but it is also good and I am aware of that but for right now it sucks and I am allowed to hate all of it. God of all people understands and thankfully lets me be who I am and without any words comforts me through all of this.
George's Guardian's of Grace Projects
Stocking project is now in full force collecting donations. We have a list of the items we can use. You can also choose to sponsor a stocking in memory or honor of someone else. We will include a paragraph or two in the cards we place in the stockings to let the recipient know about the person that means so much to you. Our paypal account is posted on this page and ready to take donations. Email us for a list of items needed or with any questions or information you would like included on a sponsored stocking/donation.
Video Tributes/Celebration of Life Footage
Here is a link to a video tribute that was made by Richard's dad in memory of George. Get out your tissues!
We Finally have footage from the service up and running:
It is in 4 sections running about 17 mins each. If you were unable to attend, you can now see what you missed. We were so blessed to have everyone there with us in person and in spirit!