Life is so different than I had ever planned for it to be. Things have been so hard for us and often times I wonder where the fairness is in it all. I would not wish anyone else harm or these bad things but I often wonder how it is that we were dished so many hard things in life to overcome. Our house is officially gone and it came as a surprise since our lawyer was suppose to let us know when we were only a few days away so we could do our final walk through. Hugh and I went over to do that since we knew that the 30th was when we were suppose to close on our bankruptcy. We got to the house only to find all the locks changed and I cannot tell you how devastating that is. I sat in the car crying as Hugh just stared blankly. One of the biggest parts of our lives was over...we had worked so hard on it and it was gone in the blink of an eye. I found it so odd as I thought how Gabby would never know it as home and yet it was the only home George ever knew. My heart just breaks now as I type this.
My parents had gone to SC this past week and although I had planned to go, part of me didn't want to go. Just a day later, I couldn't stay here at the house with just Richard and Gabby since Hugh was working all the time. All I could think about was the house and all that happened there, good and bad. I remember the day Hugh and I got married, we stopped at the house still in wedding attire and had a picture taken. God, we had no idea what awaited us as we stood there so deep in love and oblivious to all the life changes we were in for that awaited us. Being alone with my thoughts isn't really a good thing since it really makes me think of things on all levels and most of the time I can only focus on the bad/tough stuff. After being alone with my thoughts, Richard, Gabby, and I opted to drive to SC to be with my parents and the two younger boys. Hugh did eventually follow us to go for a job interview at a furniture place there.
Our family is looking to move south but I am so torn about it all. One part of me wants to go and the other is screaming no. I don't have any idea what is in store for us and I fear the unknown. We have been handed so much unknown that I am so not ready for this sort of thing and yet there is nothing left for us here. Hugh and I cannot afford to stay here if my parents choose to move so one way or another we have to move and the thought of it all is just so overwhelming. We had hoped Hugh would know about the job by the time we left and finally we would have some guidance but it didn't work out that way either. My heart just feels like it wants to explode with tears...if hearts could cry, mine would have drown me by now with all the pain I feel on a daily basis.
The morning we were coming home Hugh made a comment about "the three younger boys sitting on the back bench" and I just lost it and cried. I've become so good at putting up that front and the permanent happy face that often times I think I am fooling myself too. Moments like those that come out of no where are the ones when I realize how bad I really do feel inside. He didn't mean to say what he did but it came out and it made me think of George because Gabby is a girl. The tears just kept flowing. With the house being gone, it is just one more way that I have lost my son. The only place he knew as home is now gone and the last of the things I had cherished that reminded me of him is forever lost. We came home to only find boards on the windows which made it even harder and although I have on my happy face, my heart is crying and the pain is so great. I want my son back in the worst way and yet I know I can't have that. Life has been so unfair to us and I feel such a need for a break in it all. Feeling homeless is such a devastating feeling but add loosing the room your dead child lived in and the place they knew as home is even more heart wrenching than you can think of.
I am happy for all the blessings, don't get me wrong but my heart just aches so bad at times. The pain is so overwhelming at times no matter how good you get at putting on that happy face for the rest of the world. Please keep us in your prayers as we face yet another emotional obstacle.
George's Guardian's of Grace Projects
Stocking project is now in full force collecting donations. We have a list of the items we can use. You can also choose to sponsor a stocking in memory or honor of someone else. We will include a paragraph or two in the cards we place in the stockings to let the recipient know about the person that means so much to you. Our paypal account is posted on this page and ready to take donations. Email us for a list of items needed or with any questions or information you would like included on a sponsored stocking/donation.
Video Tributes/Celebration of Life Footage
Here is a link to a video tribute that was made by Richard's dad in memory of George. Get out your tissues!
We Finally have footage from the service up and running:
It is in 4 sections running about 17 mins each. If you were unable to attend, you can now see what you missed. We were so blessed to have everyone there with us in person and in spirit!