George's Guardian's of Grace Projects
Friday, September 9, 2011
Our family chose to honor one of Richard's teachers and a colleague of my sisters. This man went out of his way to be there for our family in so many ways. The day George died, he was one of the first people at our house. He brought the very first monkey which I cherish and now resides in a special box. This man showed so much compassion and love for our family that I could not think of a better person to show kindness. I opted to send an edible arrangement to the school where he works in George's memory. He still to this day checks in on our family and Richard is no longer even in the same school anymore.
Please don't hesitate to leave us you acts of kindness and we look forward to hearing about them.
Happy Birthday to You
Today you are two!
We are going to celebrate
On this very special date.
You may now be in heaven and not here on Earth
We love you so much no amount of money could come close to your worth
We wish you were here with us
But we will still be sure to still make a fuss.
There will be lots of smiles and love
With our hearts sending our joy to you up above.
There are balloons, cake, cards, and gifts, maybe seven
We will celebrate your life with you in heaven
People here on Earth remember how special a boy
Acts of kindness will float through the earth to just bring joy
This joy is in your memory and will reach far and wide
As we sit here as your family missing you our hearts are just filled with pride.
You have changed us the moment you joined our family that time ago.
Now you are in heaven you still change the world and lives of those you didn’t even know.
I hope they sing to you and celebrate with fanfare
We only wish we could be there.
Here on Earth our laughter and love goes up to you
So happy birthday little monkey now that you celebrate being two!
Lovingly Written by Mommy
How do you describe Inner Strength
Is it measure in feet and in length
No my friend that is not right
Inner Strength is like a guiding light
Inner Strength comes from within
When life is so bad and you can’t seem to win
Your heart and your mind are wound so tight
That nothing seems real and nothing is right
You reach down deep from the depths of your heart
You search for all the memories which still are a part
The sights the sounds of events from the past
Are now your Inner strength that you must make last
You must be strong you can’t let it show
They have no clue because they just don't know
Your Inner Strength must be your guiding light
That is all you have to make life seem right
So when you are down and feeling real low
Reach deep down inside and let you Inner Strength Glow
That is how we all must survive
For we are here and still alive
Author: Robert Walters Sr.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Hugh finally hit his breaking point this morning. He did a few errands before going to work. When he got home Michael was already on the school bus and it just sent him over the deep end. He started to cry and I knew it was more than just not being able to get him on the bus. With him sobbing in my arms I took his head in my hands and looked in his eyes and said "This is more than just Michael isn't it?" and the sobbing just gave me my answer. He said he was my son...my youngest son. Now I feel bad to let Michael down...I feel like I let George down. God did I know how he felt. We stood in my mom's kitchen hugging one another and leaning on each other for the strength we need to keep on going.
We don't have a lot of money but I contacted a local salon that does massages. I explained what I was looking for and asked for advice and the woman emailed me back with a wonderful offer. She said that Hugh and I can both come in around 6:15pm for a meal and have it followed by a couple's massage at a reduced cost. I couldn't turn it down, I think we have needed this forever. We are so very blessed to be able to do that and I don't care what I have to do to come up with that money, we have to go. I think it will give us some personal time to relax and remember the life that blessed us two years ago and what he really means to us still in a different way than ever before.
I think we may opt to start moving some of his flowers from his garden over here during the day. We both really need to feel his presence and I just have not found that yet and I think that by planting life it will always remind me he still lives on. I will be able to look out the window every single day and know that my son is in God's kingdom and beautiful just like the little garden we will have here. It will kind of be like our own little peace of heaven here. I have his little garden plaque that I bought and I want to make it the center of attention and surround it with beautiful blooming flowers/plants and maybe put a little bit of his ashes in the small urn we have and bury them there so that I have a place to go where I feel him close since the church has not put his name on the plaque and it is a feeling of being lost anytime I visit the garden there. In the end we will play it by ear and I know it will be what it is suppose to be.
My baby is dead and that is the sad sick reality of it all. He should be here running around and playing with his brothers and sister not in an urn. He belongs in my arms. I'm angry that there are people who abuse their kids and their children are still alive and yet great people have lost theirs that are loved unconditionally now sit with empty arms and broken hearts. This hell I would not wish on my worst enemy. I also hate the person I am right now, depressed and lost, but knowing it and knowing that this is all part of the deal. Getting short and just not really here is not the person I am or want to be. Part of me died the day my son died and like him, I will never get it back until I am with him again.
There is no amount of counseling that can help you when you know what the problem is and you have your head well wrapped around it all but can't change the situation. Yes you can look on the "good side" although there really isn't one. People seem to have this need to make you feel better and don't realize that sometimes crying just does that. I hate having to feel like I have to hold back tears all the time just so I don't make someone else uncomfortable or have to hear another lecture as to how there is good in this all. I know that damn it and I have been doing all I can to look at the good things but for crying out loud...you let your child die and see how well you fair with it all. Take off your arm or leg and see how you now have to be different but still function in a world that didn't change other than for you.
There is no magic wand to fix it because it will never be fixed and i will never be the person I was before he died. yes in some regards I am stronger but in others I am weaker. I so wish that people would understand that I will have to feel this way my whole life and there just isn't anyone or anything that can fix it other than God himself. Each day he works through me and knows my heart and accepts me for where I am in this process and just lets me be and is there when I need him. There are no criticizing remarks or stupid idiotic things that come from his mouth that I have to pretend I didn't hear or take everything I have inside to not want to punch the person in the mouth although I wish there was.
Most of the time we parents who have lost a child are lost ourselves only because of those around us trying to hurry us along so that they don't have to see us suffer. We know they mean well and want us to feel better but its just not possible. We can accept it for what it is but don't have to like it and there are going to be days sometimes even weeks, months, or years that we are not totally here. I am a very logical person and I know where this all stands in my life and what I must do but my heart sometimes calls in a different direction and I am allowed that time to miss my son and hate the world that I live in without him in it. That doesn't make me crazy or need a counselor, it just means that I don't like what has happened to me and that I have had no control over any of this to this day or for the days that follow. He was part of my body and came from me so until my own body is gone he will always be here and that bond is stronger than ever. Life is hard and it sucks terribly at times but it is also good and I am aware of that but for right now it sucks and I am allowed to hate all of it. God of all people understands and thankfully lets me be who I am and without any words comforts me through all of this.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Daddy please don`t look so sad,
Mommy please don`t cry.
I am in the arms of Jesus
and He sings me lullabies.
Please do not try to question God,
don`t think He is unkind.
Don`t think He sent me to you and that
He changed His mind.
You see, I am special
and I`m needed up above.
I`m the special child you gave Him,
the product of your love.
I`ll always be there with you.
So watch the sky at night.
Find the brightest star that`s gleaming.
That`s my halo`s brilliant light.
So Daddy please don`t look so sad.
Mommy please don`t cry.
I am in the arms of Jesus.
And He sings me lullabies.
1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.
2. You have the right to talk about your grief.
3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.
4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.
5. You have the right to experience " griefbursts"
6. You have the right to make use of ritual.
7. You have the right to make use of Spirituality.
8. You have the right to search for meaning.
9. You have the right to treasure your memories.
10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.
Monday, September 5, 2011
© Ferna Lary Mills
gone from us. But as we go on with living, grief eventually fades into the background
of our lives, only on occasion raising its ugly head. In the hustle and bustle of every
day life, sometimes we find ourselves moved beyond our grief and wrapped up in
just plain living. This is a good thing, for it gives us time and distance from our pain
as we continue to heal.
When my grandmother passed away it was not the first loss of a dear loved one that
I've had to endure, and probably not the last. But it was the most recent. However, I
discovered that not only did I have to face a new grief - this loss also reminded me
of my "old" grief. Suddenly, grief was no longer in the background of my life. It
seemed as if everything had returned with raw emotion, right back up to the surface.
Now, if you have ever read anything I've ever written here, you will know that I
cannot deal with these things. I simply don't have the strength. Fortunately, this is
okay. One of my favorite scriptures is Psalms 46:1 ~ "God is my strength and my
refuge. An ever present help in times of trouble."
During sorrow and strife, how many times have I cried out to God to "Give me
strength!" when in all actuality, that wasn't really what I needed Him to do. For even
God can't give this mortal body enough strength to endure some of the things life has
tossed at me. That doesn't mean He "can't" do it. It simply means He didn't create
THIS mortal body to handle that type of strength, because He has a better plan!
In times of trouble, when you feel like you can't go on, that your bones are tired, your
soul is weary and there's just no strength left in your spirit to persevere - ask God
for that strength. However, instead of asking Him to "GIVE me strength", pray that He
will BE your strength.
By asking God to BE your strength, you are no longer limited by your own resources.
He will be that supernatural strength that can only come from Him ~ from within!
This doesn't mean you're suddenly Superman and you can leap tall buildings. But
with His strength, you can put one foot in front of the other when all you want to do is
sleep. With His strength you can carry on with the things that you must do day to day
when all you want to do is bury your head in the sand. His strength gets you up and
moving when your strength cannot even stop the flow of one single tear.
During 10-months of one year, I lost both of my parents, went through a divorce,
battled my daughter's health and school problems, and watched my son's health
deteriorate due to what we believed was a terminal illness. Surely you don't believe I
came through all that on my own! No, I'm just not that good! But HE used His own
strength in place of mine to get me through all of that and more. Until you experience
it for yourself, it's almost impossible to comprehend.
The neatest thing is that all you have to do ... is ask. His strength, His peace, and
His comfort are just beyond your sight, yet given freely when you ask. I know this
because I have asked many times, and He has answered as many times. He
promises to be our "ever present help" in times of trouble.
I place one foot in front of the other, not on my own, but through Him. In the allegory,
"Footprints in the Sand", the author says God told the man He walked beside him in
life leaving two sets of footprints most of the time. When there was only one set of
footprints, that was the times that God was carrying him through his trials.
I prefer to believe that I always leave only one set of footprints, but that God is
walking in them with me. He can't get any closer to me than that.
May God bless you and comfort you and give you peace. ~Ferna
Sunday, September 4, 2011
This is so very hard for us because it is like we have no sacred place to go visit our little boy and feel close to him. Those who have a grave for their child can go and visit and just have that time there which we don't really have. I know it isn't that big of a deal but with no acknowledgement of his place there, it feels like he isn't even there and it breaks my heart. I am so very glad we did not opt to put all his ashes there because if I had nothing I would have gone crazy by now. It is close to two years and there still is not something recognizing him and that just makes is so hard to even be there because it causes deep pain in my heart to know he is there now and there is nothing marking that...in some regards I regret putting any of his ashes there at all.
I got through that painful feeling as I stood there trying to show Gabrielle where her big brother was buried. We got home and my aunt was there with her two step grandchildren. The youngest of the two was born right before George was. She just turned two and between the sad feeling in my heart over still not seeing his name to only be taken back to see her. I kept thinking how he would be doing all the same things she is doing. Every part of me just wanted to scoop her up in my arms and hug her and the other just had to walk away as the heartache surged once again.
Escaping to the basement I turned the TV on only to find a Little House on the Prairie. The episode was one where a little girl died and the mother just lost it. She kidnapped Laura and made her put on the dress the little girl used to us and even made her call her mama. She was trying to replace that space in her heart that was so hurt. She wanted so badly to keep her and make her her own. I felt like that lady with my aunts great grandaughter and you could tell Hugh felt the same way. He had to have her in his arms and just hugged her. I could see that longing in his eyes for the little boy we lost. Its so very painful to really go through moments like those. You don't want to make everyone else around you uncomfortable or for them to think you are loosing your mind but it is a common feeling among parents who loose a child.
My friend Cathy just had her baby. I look at the pictures of him and remember George who was born around the same time of the year. To be honest, I have been thinking about babies a lot lately and having a lot of dreams about them. Hugh and I have agreed that we want one more even though we get snide comments all the time when we even mention another child. I was not sure how I would handle a baby after George died if it was a boy but now I kind of want one. Having Gabrielle was just what we needed to heal in the aspect of getting through those fears...now it is kind of like we want a boy so it is like we can raise another little boy.
Right now that is a ways out but I definitely know I want another no matter what everyone else thinks about it, I truly feel that God has placed this in my heart. This is not possible right now because of the medications that I am on for anxiety and pain. There will come a day when it will be time for that but I used to think I was totally done but now I know there is one more in my future...this one we will wait until they are born to find out what sex they are. I know people don't understand this yearning but I know it is God placing it in my heart and I am ok with that.
We are really trying to figure out what to do on George's birthday as a family this year. I've thought of asking my siblings to come over and have cake, take a trip to the zoo, go see smurfs, and all sorts of other things but nothing is still hitting home. I thought maybe to rent a room at a hotel with a pool there and just hanging out as a family that day, a picnic at the park, and lots of other things have been rolling around in my head but no light bulb moment yet. Most families go to the cemetery and take a cake and balloons for their loved on but without a name and it being at the church and there is no direct marking I feel lost with being able to do that sort of thing...I would love to take a picnic lunch with a cake to his grave but it just isn't the same feeling at the church especially with his name not being there.
As of right now I feel like I am just going through the motions and back in survival mode. This time however I do still feel joy and do smile unlike how I was directly following George's death. I am just counting the days till the 9th and can't wait to get messages from others who tell me what they did in his memory. The following week we are headed to Disney and that is where I feel close to George for some reason. I also get to visit my Aunt Joan who I miss terribly since she moved. She has always been my rock and the one person who just "gets me" Since she has moved, I haven't had the luxury of just stopping at her house to see her. I can call but it just isn't the same as being in person. I feel that once I am back from Florida, I will be able to have things a little more together and can move forward.
Please keep us all in your prayers and please keep passing the information about the Random Acts of Kindness. Hearing how my little monkey is changing the world just makes my heart swell knowing how great he was here on Earth and is now affecting the world even when he is gone.
Video Tributes/Celebration of Life Footage
Here is a link to a video tribute that was made by Richard's dad in memory of George. Get out your tissues!
We Finally have footage from the service up and running:
It is in 4 sections running about 17 mins each. If you were unable to attend, you can now see what you missed. We were so blessed to have everyone there with us in person and in spirit!