Tears Heal

The past few days I have not been able to sleep. It is 5am and I have been awake for quite a while now. All I can think about is my son and how much I miss him. I am so thankful for my many blessings but there is such a huge part of me that aches daily. The medication I am on helps with the anxiety and allows me to be less moody but it cannot take the pain in my heart away, nothing can. For me I think that is probably the hardest thing, the pain just lingers even in the back of my mind somewhere...some part of me is always missing.

Throughout the day I find tears just welling up in my eyes as I try and fight them back so I can keep it together for the rest of my family. It is hard for them to see me cry and they want to fix something that they can't and often times just don't realize that sometimes crying helps. Often times I find that whenever I don't know what to do or I feel overwhelmed that I cry and in some ways it helps me to heal or just get through the moment. There are times that it still is a moment at a time sort of thing even though it is truly less frequently than it was in the beginning. The pain changes with time but never lessens.

I would give anything to hold him again and see his beautiful smile. Every single part of me wants him back even though I know it just isn't possible. I forget what his laugh sounded like and yet I can still feel him snuggled under my chin. As I sat here in tears earlier, I thought how ironic it was that I would give anything just to hear him cry again when I used to give anything to make him stop. There is definitely a different way to look at things after your child dies.

We happened to get the movie Tangled the other day. I sat here watching it with the boys and Gabrielle as my heart just ached thinking how he should be here running around and getting into stuff. In the movie Rapunzel is stollen from her parents and every year on her birthday they send up a lantern just like they did the day she was born. She of course does not come home for years. She is turning 18 and her parents still cry with the pain and ache that they did for her the day she was taken. It hit me that this is how it will be for us too and for so many others who have had to watch their child go before them. The dipiction of the parents was so very spot on in this movie as tears still welled up in their eyes even years later.

No amount of counseling or pills will ever fix the pain in a person's heart. Grief is not a mental health disorder and does not come with an easy fix. Often times tears are the only thing that help you through the rough patches. I know that this pain just shows how much I loved him and still do. Each tear shed is one hug or kiss or I love you that I am not able to give to him since he is gone. I know this sounds odd but I thank God for tears and the ability to cry and feel the pain sometimes. So often it feels as if he was a dream but knowing this pain is real and crying out to God for comfort just lets me know he was here and I had such an unconditional love for my son.

Wish you were here

Today Michael turned 4 years old. It hit me hard to think of the huge gap between him and Gabrielle. I felt the missing presence of George all day today as we spent the day with Michael and the reality of him being gone really hit me hard. We were just getting to know him when he left us and I think of all the things he should be doing but never got a chance to do. I found myself thinking of him all day and even crying tonight numerous times. The hardest time for me was when Michael was having a conversation with my cousin who was visiting. He said that Gabrielle was our baby since George died when his heart stopped working. For whatever reason, hearing it from his mouth just made my heart sad and want to cry and I just couldn't hide the tears that were building up all day long. I posted a song that I heard today I posted. It truly spoke to my heart today just when I needed it the most. Please keep me in your prayers tonight.

Laura Story - Blessings

The New Footprints

Now imagine you and the Lord Jesus are walking along the beach together.
For much of the way the Lord's footprints go along steadily, consistently,
rarely varying in the pace. But your prints are in a disorganized stream of
zig zags, starts, stops, turn arounds, circles, departures, and returns.
For much of the way it seems to go like this. But gradually, your footprints
come in line with the Lord's, soon paralleling His consistently. You and
Jesus are walking as true friends. This seems perfect, but then an interesting
thing
happens; your footprints that once etched the sand next to the Master's
are now walking precisely in His steps. Inside His large footprints is the
smaller "sand print," safely enclosed. You and Jesus are becoming one;
this goes on for many miles. But gradually you notice another change.
The footprints inside the larger footprints seem to grow larger.
Eventually it disappears altogether. There is only one set of
footprints. They have become one; again this goes on for a long time.
But then something awful happens. The second set of footprints is back.
This time it seems even worse than before. Zig zags all over the place.
Stop...start. Deep gashes in the sand. A veritable mess of prints.
You're amazed and shocked. But this is the end of your dream. Now you
speak:

"Lord, I understand the first scene with the zig zags, fits,
starts, and so on. I was a new Christian, just learning.
But You walked on through the storm and helped me learn to walk with You."

"That is correct," replied the Lord.

"Then, when the smaller footprints were inside of Yours, I was actually
learning to walk in Your steps. I followed You very closely."

"Very good. You have understood everything so far."

"Then the smaller footprints grew and eventually filled in with Yours.
I suppose that I was actually growing so much that I was becoming more
like You in every way."

"Precisely."

"But this is my question, Lord. Was there a regression of something?
The footprints went back to two, and this time it was worse than the first."

The Lord smiles, then laughs. "You didn't know?" He says. "That was
when we danced."

Psalms 30:11 - Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing

Missing You

I have been missing you a lot today. Things have just felt as if they were off and I could not figure out why. Finally late this afternoon, I realized I was just missing you. Part of me was just so sad I sat here and cried and not knowing what else to do I went over to Memom's house to not be alone with my aching heart. It was just a generally hard day for me with no real reason for it. I updated your page earlier this morning but that usually makes me feel better and not feel so lost.

I must not have been the only one because tonight on the way home from Memom's Josh said how much he missed you too. He said that he was just sad and that his heart hurt! With that my heart hurt even more wishing I could fix it for him too. Your blanket from your crib sits at the bottom of his bed but tonight he asked me to put it on him when he went to sleep and I tucked him in. He just looked at me and said "I promise to take care of this special blanket, thank you for letting me have it when I miss Georgie!"

Please know how much I love and miss you and so does everyone in your family. Send Josh some good dreams and let him know you are with him. I love you my sweet little boys!

Heart Overwhelmed

Lately, my heart has just been so very overwhelmed by mixed feelings. I feel my son's presence alot these days and can feel him in my heart much more prevalent than ever before. Gabrielle is getting close to the age he was when he died. I'm not sure if that is the cause of all the emotions or just the very meaning of this season and how it has changed me in a great way since George died.

May 1st Gabrielle will the the same age George was when he died. Originally I told myself I was not going to count the days but something made me do it yesterday. George was 143 days old, the same age Joshua was to the very day when he had his first seizure. For whatever reason there was some significance to all of that to me. To see her meet that milestone will bring a mix of it's own emotions...joy for the fact she passed it and sadness to know that George never got to do anything after that day that she will do. It is something that others who never had a child die would never think of as significant, I know I never did.

Last night for whatever reason was a rough night for both Hugh and I. Hugh was eating a piece of chocolate cake that our friend Sarah had bought for him when the two of us went out to lunch. I looked at him and saw him crying and asked him what was wrong. It took a little prying but he sat there in tears saying that the last thing he ate before George died was chocolate cake for his birthday. My heart just went out to him as I held him knowing the pain in his heart and wishing that I could take it for him.

Gabrielle was kind of fussy so I was up late with her and had her in my arms. As I stood in the living room holding her all I could think of was George. Just as I was trying to get myself to not feel the way I did, she tucked her little head under my chin just like he used to. Tears welled up in my eyes as I stood there thanking God for her and the time I was blessed to be George's mom. Right as I thought that and almost started to full out cry she took her little hand and grasped my necklace that has some of George's ashes in it. It just overwhelmed my heart so much, I didn't know I could feel so much all at one time. She just held tight to it and put her head under my chin and rested her head on my chest...it was as if she just knew how bad my heart just hurt and was full of joy.

She also has a small little red spot above her eyebrow. As a kid I had one next to my eye and it was much bigger. For whatever reason I keep looking at it. The other day as I sat there looking at it, I realized none of the other kids ever had one. In another fleeting thought, I felt as if it was an angel kiss from her big brother as she was sent here to us. This now has a special meaning to me and as I hold her I think of how if George had not died that she would not be here. During her battle with RSV she had several apnea episodes and I think of how we never would have known if she had not been on a monitor. I often wonder if he did not die to send her and save her life and if it was all part of God's greater plan for us all. Time will only tell and I may never really know until I return to heaven some day.

After all the emotions bouncing around in my head and the aversion to not cry, I finally succumbed to it all. I took a shower and headed to bed. As I laid down, the emotions just overcame me and I cried myself to sleep. I miss my son but have such a profound and unexplainable love for Gabrielle. It isn't that I love her any more or any less than the boys but it is just so very different this time around. I will just hold her and be so overwhelmed by my feelings and just stand there thanking God for her and the blessing she is in our lives and how she just brings something different to our lives and it has nothing to do with her being a girl.

I have posted a song here that has been touching my life in such a profound way every single time I hear it. It really personifies the true sacrifice that Christ gave to the world when he willingly went to the cross. This also makes me think of how I will be able to see my son again. I think of what Christ really went through for us and how without him this would not be possible. The season of Lent and Easter all have just a new meaning to me with my son dying. I urge you to allow God into your heart and really think about Christ and his sacrifice this Lent/Easter season. Would you give your life for man kind unconditionally? What does it all really mean to you? Do you have a hope to see those who have gone before you? What would you give for one more day? Allow your heart to know his love for you and allow your heart to overflow with the love he has to give and find a sense of peace within knowing the full meaning of his promise and love for us.

Thank you Lord for all you have given to me and my family! We are truly blessed and cannot thank you enough for your sacrifice and love that will allow us to see our loved ones again and to also life forever with you for eternity. Your love is so great and overwhelms our hearts, we cannot even imagine your love for us. Please help us to do your will and forgive us when our own agenda comes into play. We are truly blessed to be called to your folds and to know you on a personal level. Please watch over us and when things are tough, please remind us of your love and find comfort in your embrace as you carry us through those moments.

Matt Maher - Christ is Risen