Tears Heal

The past few days I have not been able to sleep. It is 5am and I have been awake for quite a while now. All I can think about is my son and how much I miss him. I am so thankful for my many blessings but there is such a huge part of me that aches daily. The medication I am on helps with the anxiety and allows me to be less moody but it cannot take the pain in my heart away, nothing can. For me I think that is probably the hardest thing, the pain just lingers even in the back of my mind somewhere...some part of me is always missing.

Throughout the day I find tears just welling up in my eyes as I try and fight them back so I can keep it together for the rest of my family. It is hard for them to see me cry and they want to fix something that they can't and often times just don't realize that sometimes crying helps. Often times I find that whenever I don't know what to do or I feel overwhelmed that I cry and in some ways it helps me to heal or just get through the moment. There are times that it still is a moment at a time sort of thing even though it is truly less frequently than it was in the beginning. The pain changes with time but never lessens.

I would give anything to hold him again and see his beautiful smile. Every single part of me wants him back even though I know it just isn't possible. I forget what his laugh sounded like and yet I can still feel him snuggled under my chin. As I sat here in tears earlier, I thought how ironic it was that I would give anything just to hear him cry again when I used to give anything to make him stop. There is definitely a different way to look at things after your child dies.

We happened to get the movie Tangled the other day. I sat here watching it with the boys and Gabrielle as my heart just ached thinking how he should be here running around and getting into stuff. In the movie Rapunzel is stollen from her parents and every year on her birthday they send up a lantern just like they did the day she was born. She of course does not come home for years. She is turning 18 and her parents still cry with the pain and ache that they did for her the day she was taken. It hit me that this is how it will be for us too and for so many others who have had to watch their child go before them. The dipiction of the parents was so very spot on in this movie as tears still welled up in their eyes even years later.

No amount of counseling or pills will ever fix the pain in a person's heart. Grief is not a mental health disorder and does not come with an easy fix. Often times tears are the only thing that help you through the rough patches. I know that this pain just shows how much I loved him and still do. Each tear shed is one hug or kiss or I love you that I am not able to give to him since he is gone. I know this sounds odd but I thank God for tears and the ability to cry and feel the pain sometimes. So often it feels as if he was a dream but knowing this pain is real and crying out to God for comfort just lets me know he was here and I had such an unconditional love for my son.