Rays of Sun

It has been a while since I updated what has been going on in our lives.  The summer always is harder to write since the kids are home from school and need my attention.  Every day I have been thinking and praying for the Green family who lost their son recently.  I know I asked for prayers for them prior but my  heart is just so heavy for them since I know the pain of loosing a child.  The mom of the family, I knew from Cub Scouts and she was always supportive of our family so I am very drawn to them and want to help any way that I can. 

If I could take away their pain, I would because I would not wish this hell on Earth to anyone.  That being said, I know I can't so I am doing all I can do and just offering our services and prayers for them.  We have signed up to take them a meal once a week on Monday's.  I have also sent the mom emails and just keep letting her know I am here for her.  I don't want to be a nudge but I also know that she won't ask since I didn't and you are just focused on surviving.  Your live goes into survival mode and you feel like the rest of the world is spinning and going on while yours is staying still.  I think of the road ahead for them and know how difficult it really is so I want to do anything I can to ease it because I just kept praying for someone to help me and give me guidance or just to hug me and listen to me talk about my son and the horrible events of the day.  You often find that other people don't know how to do this and you forget they don't know what this is like and you would never wish it on them so you just have to rely on someone who really is able to be there and push you forward even when you are digging your heals in and trying to go back to your old life.  I just want my old life back with my child in it so you want to turn around rather than to forward. 

The resources and things I had to hunt for I have given them also because I don't want them to go through what we went through.  I felt so alone when George died because people didn't know how to help or what to do so they did nothing.  Everyone would tell me No one set up meals for us on a consistent basis, not even our church or extended family.  There were individuals who did make a meal or bring something over but after his funeral the support started to disappear and that was when I needed it the most.  I don't hold anyone at fault because I didn't know what I needed so that meant they didn't because no one had ever been through this before other than two people I know and they have disappeared from our lives all together.  At the time this was all happening, I was quite angry and hurt by those that I felt I could count on and they didn't step up.  Looking back now, I know how bitter I was about all of it and I couldn't look past my own pain to see theirs but I couldn't at the time.  I was also shocked by the few who stepped out and helped that I didn't think would ever be there.

I was unable at the time to also see that God was there helping me by bringing little rays of sunshine because I was so lost in the storm of my grief.  There was a lot of misplaced anger and things of that nature and people I hurt unintentionally and I have had to ask God to forgive me along with those who I am now aware that I hurt.  I'm sure there are other people I have hurt unknowingly and I have asked God for their forgiveness to find their hearts and ask him that they can see how lost I was.  This is the kind of thing that you can't prepare for or learn ahead of time.  Yesterday I actually had one of our issues cleared up.  I have been praying for this for so long!  The clouds are starting to part a little and allow the sun to shine through all of the pain. 

We had an altercation with a neighbor the day after George died.  It has been one of the worst relationships I have ever had in my life.  I've been praying for this to stop and have tried on several occasions to make peace with the neighbor only to have it end up in a fight of some nature.  The kids have wanted to play with the little boy in the home but we have held them back for several reasons but mainly because of our issues with them.  Two days ago the little boy came here and I didn't have a problem with it, I don't have and never have had an issue with the child but insisted that if the kids wanted to play that it had to be here.  These kids had so much fun and I have to say it brought me back to being a kid myself and I had to start to rethink things.  Yesterday, they wanted to go swimming in his pool at his house.  Our pool was having issues and the air conditioner in Joshua's play house was not working so if the boys wanted to go  outside and play it had to be in a pool or they had to have access to a pool.

I sucked up my pride and told the kids it was ok if Richard was willing to go and take the boys.  They convinced him and I was in the middle of something so I told him to ask the neighbor first.  Much to my dismay the kids came back and Michael was in tears and Richard was upset.  He told me that it was a problem and that the neighbor gave him a hard time.  Something in me said that I needed to go even though I didn't want to.  This needed to be fixed for these kids sake.  With that I got out of my PJ's and headed over there and with every single step I prayed to God to give me the right words.  The neighbor met me on the sidewalk and definitely had attitude but I stayed calm and kept praying.  I'm not the type of person to deal with confrontation and have always been the one to walk away so this is out of my character.  She started talking at me, not yelling but with plenty of attitude and I just let her go and say what she needed to. 

There were times I wanted to just say something and cop an attitude with her too but I didn't.  I stayed calm and told her that I want to put things in the past for the kids sake and to move forward.  With that I told her that I am a different person and that I apologize for anything that may have transpired between our families.  I also explained that I don't even remember some of the stuff that was said or done and that we both have our own perception of what happened and that somewhere in the middle is where it truly is and no one was right or wrong and that we needed to just move forward for the kids.  Her demeanor changed and her heart was softened and we were able to patch things up.  I am still thanking God for his presence and work in this situation.  AMEN God is Good!!!

We had recently gone to FL for a big family vacation.  Things didn't go as well as they usually do and we wound up coming home two days early since the kids missed Hugh.  Hugh was unable to go with us because they are doing inventory.  It was so hard without him, especially since we flew and it was me with 4 kids on my own with all their stuff.  During the trip all sorts of crazy things happened and it was really the worst trip we ever had but the kids had fun and enjoyed the company of the adults and were oblivious to what was going on.  During our trip to Downtown Disney I saw the water fountain working and it has not worked since we went with George...every part of me wanted to cry!  I know it sounds stupid but it is one of the last family pictures we have with him in it and it was such a happy time for us all.  I thank God for that trip every single day and that we got to share that experience with him.  He LOVED the water fountain and the Christmas lights that they had decorating all of Disney. 

Those are memories I will forever cherish...and yet they also make me sad since I though we would be able to bring him back later.  We had also eaten in the T-Rex restaurant for the first time with him and it was so awesome.  This trip we did too and we took Gabby.  She absolutely loved it and fell in love with the fish!!!  Deep in my heart I could feel slight sadness for George but happiness because I could share that with her.  We had to have her make her own dinosaur from their version of Build a Bear since all the kids have one but her.  She named it Chi Chi after my cousin's Chihuahua that she fell in love with at my uncle in SC house.   Although it was a rough trip there were also rays of sunshine that shone through and every single time I go there part of my heart heals a little more because I feel so close to my son there.  It truly is for us The Happiest Place on Earth!

This is such a long and draining process but God's promise to walk with us every way has been what we have relied on to make it through this horrible tragedy.  As much as I hurt, I am also grateful for the blessings.  For our family there are big rays of sunshine coming through as I follow the guidance I have in my heart from God even if no one else understands.  I am sure that Mary's family was not so happy their daughter was pregnant and they probably took a lot of criticism at that time.  I'm here to do God's will and not my own or that of anyone else and somewhere in all this I forgot that.  I have sought approval from those around me when in fact it is God's love and will that I should be doing.  People will always talk about me or say nasty things but I know I am doing what God wants and that all of this is to help mold me into what he wants me to be.  I think that being there  for this family is one of my purposes so please pray for them and me so that I may help them walk this path...if George had not died I would not be able to do this...he is still touching lives now that he is gone and instead of living here he is living on in my heart and he shines through my eyes as I do the things God has planned for me.  Thank you Lord for the sunshine in the storm!